When a group of mercenaries with lame-ass code names attack the estate of a very gorgeous, very feisty, very sexy and insanely doable Beverly D'Angelo (and the rest of her family or whatever), Santa Claus must slap on a man bun, rock the dad bod, and step in to save Christmas, making all the ladies kweamy along the way.

see you in 2024, suckahfish!

When a man inadvertently makes Santa fall off his roof (therefore brutally killing him and dissolving his presumed wife) on Christmas Eve, he finds himself magically recruited to take his place because he literally didn't read the fine print.

Locke is a pretentious douche, Kate has C titties, Charlie whines a lot, Jack is an ass man, Jin gets a new bracelet.

Jack Skellington, king of Halloween Town and owner of wiry limbs, discovers Christmas Town, which isn't St Paddy's town, but should have been, but his attempts to copy someone else's shit brings Christmas to a halt but eventually leads to snowy kiss on top of the swirly hill so I guess we can just ignore the United States' eagerness to blow whatever they don't understand straight out of the sky without zero recon...because it's Christmas, dammit, and i want my toys.

Jack goes crazy. Boone throws a tantrum. Locke reveals what he stores in his ass. Joanna dies. the Blue Shirt Lady returns right on cue.

When a murderous eight-year-old troublemaker with a lust for blood and death is mistakenly left home alone by his awful parents, he seizes the opportunity to defend his home in the most violently gruesome way possible against a pair of idiot burglars who have decidedly obscure but fitting backstories.

A fucking unexpectedly hunky Chicago advertising man must make every fucking bad decision possible as he travels home from fucking New York for fucking Thanksgiving, alongside a fucking lovable oaf of a shower-fucking-curtain-ring salesman as his only fucking companion.

in a movie that definitely doesn't begin with someone jackin it in a crucifixal manner, a young girl (who inevitably ages like a fine wine), is possessed by a mysterious entity manifesting itself by making a whoopsy on the living room rug, causing her mother to seek the help of two Catholic priests, a Rabbi, a lawyer and an Irish magician who have all walked into a bar to save her life.

then all the monsters suck and fuck and eat ass and triple penetrate an undead wife.

After swapping bodies with a deranged serial killer because a mystical knife deemed it so, a meek and timid high-school senior discovers that she has fewer than 24 hours before the change becomes permanent, because that's a convenient plot device. but what do you expect? you can't have a fucken week long curse. especially not on a friday the 13th...becuase those only last a day.

Rebecca goes on another rant that we tried to avoid, but you just can't stop her. in all honesty, it sounds like something you gotta do. i know i gotta. she paints such a picture, doesn't she?