Generation Artax

We kick off this episode with burning questions about when exactly the aliens are coming. Then, flash back to 1992 when Terri writes to Kim from college about what a big player she is now. Then, cut to 1995 for a serious plot twist when Terri makes out with her best friend…and it doesn't go well. In Unrelated: Don't hate the player. Hate the game. Welcome to Generation Artax.

• Alien overlords vs. personal agency: World domination or Galactic Glow Up?
• Kim says there are aliens, period the end
• Terri wonders if the aliens will function as galactic contractors
• Kim thinks we're basically about to get an intergalactic glow up
• Terri writes Kim from college for the first time…sophomore year—to say she's got some a big player now (and it's all a big game)
• Terri is a makeout bandit
• Loving the boyfriend-free zone
• Terri only really cries over women
• Terri hooks up with a girl in college
• Both of Terri's direct roommates in college ended up gay
• Love is not a game to Kim
• Unrelated: Your favorite game as a kid (Boggle, Monopoly, Super Mario Brothers)

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For this special Mother's Day episode, our guest is none other than…our mom! Meet Jeanne Trespicio, the woman who is responsible for, well, all of this (waves hands around vaguely). Go behind the scenes of Boomer parenting, and Jeanne's largely laissez-faire approach to: movies, TV, play dates, real dates, and taking the train to Port Authority. Plus: Kim hates meatloaf, Terri hates Kim, and little Lori is sent to ski school with a 104 degree fever. Sounds right. Welcome to Generation Artax. Happy Mother's Day!

Also in this episode:

• A little background on Jeanne, and her family of origin.
• Our grandmother's scandalous courtship by state trooper Johnny Barone
• No one has ever seen our grandmother's wedding pictures because there are none, because she got married as an old crone at 29
• Why no one thought our mother was our mother.
• Roving bands of neighborhood kids in the 80s
• Kim drank Sprite like kids today drink water, and can't believe any of us have teeth
• Mom denies she made us sit at the table til we finished dinner
• Kim would rather die than eat meatloaf and to this day won't try it
• Mom's guiding philosophy for school: Do your job
• Mom to Kim: Life is a bore get used to it
• Growing up in a sport-free zone
• Dedicated phone lines = peace in the land
• Young Terri hates Kim so much she can barely speak
• Mom sends Lori off to Ski School with a 104 fever

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How do you spell heartbreak? T-E-R-R-I. In this episode, Terri comes clean about a boy she scoped out at a spelling bee, and then later woefully mistreated, which still haunts her. Also: Kim meets an emotionally wounded boy at a bonfire. In Unrelated: Children's movies that really shouldn't have been children's movies. Like, the Last Unicorn, about a sexy horse and the prince who falls for her. Welcome to Generation Artax.

Show notes:

• Terri is on a spending freeze, thinks about things she'd like to buy when she "deserves" it and Kim and Lori lecture her about mindset
• Kim meets a boy at the beach with the wrong attachment style who cries a lot and sends her B-side Green Day songs
• Terri falls in love at a regional spelling bee begins romance via post
• Terri leaves said boy high and dry at the high school dance, then we try to find him on LinkedIn
• The Last Unicorn, with its glorified beastiality, sexy horses, and trees with boobs.
• Dark Crystal, which had very adult themes and is giving Epstein
• The Electric Grandmother, which is just really super fucked up and feels very AI for 1982

Let's be clear: Lori wants love in 1993, but she didn't say she wants it to be easy (which is why it's over before it's begun). Find out why Cash Cab is a true test of character. Lori goes on the wrong booze cruise, Kim nearly has a stroke, and Terri hard launches her new relationship—which, speaking of the 90s, is with a girl she went to high school with. True story. Welcome to Generation Artax.

SHOW NOTES

• Sometimes Kim likes the darkness
• Lori loves corned beef
• Teenage Lori wants love, but she also wants a challenge
• The Rules of Courtney Love, and the book The Rules
• Kim hates The Rules
• The 72-hour boyfriend
• Kim's favorite thing about humans
• Cash Cab and why it's Kim's example of the best of humanity
• Terri's improv journey
• The importance of play
• Terri hard launches her relationship with Kim's BFF fr HS
• UNRELATED: Did you ever think you were about to die?
• Terri legit almost dies from sepsis
• Lori and the booze cruise that wasn't at all a booze cruise
• Kim nearly has a stroke

We kick off this episode fresh from a colonoscopy! Then, travel back to the 90s when Terri leaves Kim old fashioned directions to the biggest party of the year, which include "turn left at the tree." Witness the dawn of the World Wide Web, Terri's awkward conversation with a boy she doesn't like, and a little body horror you definitely didn't ask for. Welcome to Generation Artax.

In this episode:

• Terri gets a colonoscopy right before taping
• Hemorrhoid talk and blood draws
• Life before GPS - turn at the tree (remember that tree?).
• Kim calls AAA and they legit send her a marked-up map
• Terri's internship consisted of doing an hours-long Google search
• Introducing…the World Wide Web
• Mind blown by moving images on the computer
• Terri has a relationship talk with a guy she's not in a relationship with
• Ongoing Heather saga
• Listening to Led Zeppelin may ruin your life
• People throw rocks at Kim's window
• Cigarettes smell like the 90s
• More Sex and the City talk
• Lori sleeps with the TV on
• UNRELATED: Procedures we loved
• Terri recommends endometrial ablation (and never have a period again)
• Kim recommends laser eye surgery (sheer magic)
• Lori recommends scalp pigmentation (Check out Scalp New England and tell Brian Lori sent you! bostonsmp.com)

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Our parents go on a two-week sojourn to Europe and all hell breaks loose: Kim absolutely did not throw a house party or lose her virginity in her childhood bedroom. Lori gains the upper hand with Sean. Terri folds under pressure and takes Kim down with her. It's all power shifts and wild betrayals on this episode of Generation Artax.

In this episode:

• We're dreaming of merch, but we don't have any yet
• Lori wants to broaden her horizons at a high school dance
• Lori maintains a good cover for the bitch within
• Our parents go on a two week sojourn (and yes Lori used those words)
• Lori is ride or die for Kim, and Terri flips on a dime
• Nest cameras have made house parties obsolete
• Kim loses her virginity in her childhood bedroom
• Take the bus — or get thrown under it
• Wild betrayal at the dinner table
• Terri waxes poetic and also has a weird crush on Billy Squier
• How much do we love going to bed? Let me count the ways.
• Unrelated: Things we never thought we'd love: shoveling snow. Peloton. Going to bed at 7pm
• Also will someone please explain blue cheese

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It's hard to believe that we used to call a number and then sit through a recording of every single showtime, but THIS IS WHAT OUR LIVES WERE. Also, every movie was great: Muppets Take Manhattan. Chances Are. Ghost. Need we go on. Plus: Kim tries to rebrand her seventh grade class, Lori worships Atreyu, and Terri falls in love with Peter Pan and is then confused by that. Welcome to Generation Artax.

In this episode:

• Hot coffee just doesn't taste as good as iced
• Muppets take Manhattan is the hands-down best
• Sixth grade wasn't a class; it was a brand
• Kim's seventh grade fallout and attempts at a rebrand, but really still just mourning sixth grade
• We all enjoy some schadenfreude when Kim is down and out
• Kim wants to French Sean. She is determined. But it doesn't happen.
• "Kim T sucks"
• Handwriting analysis of bathroom graffiti
• Jen Euston was always nice to us but her classmates were bitches
• Culture Vultures was super elite Broadway club for budding New Yorkers
• Terri meets her new best friend Liz when her others dump her
• Undone by the periodic table
• Kim and Lori explain the plot of Chances Are to Terri
• Kim thinks she was Lori's mother and our mom's mother in another life
• Terri goes on a date with Greg and Greg's dad to see Ghost
• Welcome to MovieFone
• Unrelated: The celebrity crush that woke you the F up
• Atreyu but make it 20s gangster
• Kim wants Prince Charming
• Terri falls hard for Peter Pan and realizes she's in love with Sandy Duncan

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In 1993, St. Lori was on a mission to keep boys from going down the wrong path. Oral arguments ensue. Then, Terri reads one of Lori's high school essays which is chock full of backhanded compliments about her very average and unremarkable sisters. Kim is shunned in society for enjoying life. The snacks we were raised on in the 80s. Also: Terri's Lexapro is late again and her sad is showing. Welcome to Generation Artax.

• Someone took a gummy (can you guess? you guessed wrong)
• Bromilow's chocolate is the best
• Milk vs. dark and white chocolate isn't real chocolate
• Lemon is definitely citrus
• French onion soup smells so nasty
• Oak & Orchard in Bolton, MA
• Oral sex and all its attending monikers
• There's no good word for cunnilingus
• Lori fails at her job of keeping boys on the straight and narrow
• Public reading of Lori's high school essay about her average, untalented sisters and how she learned everyone else sucks
• Terri experiences an upsetting lapse in meds (again)
• Kim shares a koan of her own: "Life is a lock and smiling is the key."
• Kim is shunned from society for being happy
• Unrelated: A food you could not get enough of growing up

If you ask Kim, Dominos pizza is what high school tastes like, and it hasn't changed since 1988. In this episode, we recall our favorite restaurants from days of yore: Pizza Hut, Red Lobster, and Benihana (shout out to Short Hills). Plus, Kim loses her shit when her friends take Terri's car for a joy ride; Lori eats raw garlic to ward off pests; and Terri tries to ward off boys. Then, we play a little Would You Rather — which is right around when Terri's gummy kicks in. Welcome to Generation Artax.

In this episode:

• Dominos hasn't changed since 1988, so it takes like high school
• Pizza Hut breadsticks with marina sauce
• Red Lobster was high class eating for Terri in 1989
• Throwing back Shirley Temples at Benihana (shout out to Short Hills, NJ)
• Lori thinks you don't get bloated when you're young (ok)
• The great Nissan heist of 1992
• Kim totally loses her shit on her friends
• Overattachment to cars
• Terri gets her first Subaru but no she's so not gay
• Lori is robbed on the Real World Road Rules Challenge: Battle of the Sexes
• Lori eats raw garlic and never got bitten in Jamaica, and still does it
• Terri is annoyed by boys and can't imagine liking them
• Terri probably had a crush on her BFF, who baby talks her
• Terri surprises Lori with tickets to Paula Abdul in 1992
• Color Me Badd is the best, followed by Eddie Money
• UNRELATED: Would you rather

This week, Terri needs to chill the fuck out, but literally can't. Also, why time is liquid and doesn't actually exist, and the time Kim's fourth grade crush called to say, "You're ugly." Facts: The meaner a boy is, the more he likes you; your nose grows faster than the rest of your face. Plus: The time Lori got a bold-ass pixie cut and Kim got a really bad perm, and when Terri thought she and her friends were the hottest fourth graders ever. Welcome to Generation Artax.

In this episode:

• Terri can't chill on Sundays
• Time is liquid and doesn't exist
• Kim's crush called and said, "You're ugly" and Kim responds with a love letter
• We learn that the more a boy treats you like shit, the more he likes you. Cool.
• Terri learns of someone with a crush on her and she doesn't know how to handle it
• Terri's journal warns that dirty thoughts are coming
• Terri says she and her friends are the hottest fourth graders ever, because that's not gross and weird
• Your nose grows first and it's horrible
• Terri never had a perm and she was proud of her virgin hair
• Axel, our sexy European childhood hair stylist
• Lori braves a pixie cut
• Crediting Urban Outfitters, Delia, Wet Seal for our entire personalities
• Lori Lefteye Lopez
• Terri's not the kind of girl you marry because she just wants to be friends
• Terri wears breakaway pants to her 30th college reunion cuz she gay now
• Kim does prep work before reunions
• The Worm is Lori's go-to move
• UNRELATED: One piece of tech or gadgetry that we don't use anymore but you kinda miss it: The mysterious of life of no caller ID; screening your calls via answering machine; cassette tapes were garbage; B-Sides; Sam Goody; delayed gratification no longer exists; no one will ever use the word "download" in the future

Visit our website: www.generationartax.com and join our mailing list for the latest information on the podcast.