Gif of A$$holes Podcast

The @$$holes use this time to put forth their ideas for the next big extended universe:versus movies. They discuss a bracketing system, a laundry list of ideal matches, and even structure it like the WWF matches of the 80’s we all remember so vaguely. As always, it’s the GOA vs. Good Taste.

In order to enter the giveaway, @tweet us using the hashtag #ALFvs and tell us who you’d like to see Alf face-off-against. One lucky responder will get a mediocre prize!

Desirae’s daily reminder not to suck

Why are we, as a society, so nostalgic for things that weren’t even that good in the first place? Who even gives a shit about pet rocks- I mean seriously. In the midst of all of the Ready-Player-One-80’s-porn-neon-nonsense sit 4 grumpy assholes, ready to tear apart everything you nerds hold so dear: your pop culture knowledge. It’s dumb, sucker!

In this episode, we take a look at some Garbage Pail Kids cards, talk shit about RP1, hear how Desirae used to torture kids with the monstrous ALF, and generally complain about remakes of our personal favorite classics. Grab your trapper keeper, lace up those Reeboks, and get ready to hate the 80’s.

If there is one thing these a$$holes love to do, it is pick apart movies. This time they try it out with movies they haven’t seen and probably never will. 2018 is bound to be a shit year for movies, just like 2017, 2016, and so on.

The GOA is prepared for the end of the world. They have combed popular culture, and have a career solution for every type of apocalyptic future you can imagine. During the inevitable rebuilding of civilization, each of us will need a job in order to keep the rat meat on the campfire and the weapons under our rock pillows. Don has a creative plan to make weapons he can barter with, Kevin will counsel those who remain, Desirae will probably either get stuck teaching or cleaning up after everyone, while Matt will fuck your toaster, free of charge.

Are you sick of Star Wars yet? We sure are, even though we are t-minus 3 days until the premiere of Ep. 8: The Last Jedi. We have a hodge-podge of Star Wars nonsense we address, including: Adam Driver, the white chocolate dildo; a Holiday Special reboot starring CGI Tarkin and Miley Cyrus; the most unfortunate immersive experience Disney could offer at their theme park; Elan Sleazebaggano; and we tie it all up by recasting Hook with the lumpyest Star Wars characters.

Porkins is the pan.

In episode 19, the assholes have really hit their stride. Piggy-backing on the immense success of the teen-paranormal-romance genre thanks to Twilight, we have a new and far better love story to tell. We’ve all seen the memes, everything is a better love story than Twilight, and ours is no exception to that rule. Inspired by the splendor that is Bigfoot erotica (real) and coupled with Desirae’s deep burning love for Riverdale (also real), this new series is everything that Twilight was but MORE: bigger, grosser, and oh so much more satisfying (sexually). Take our hands as we walk you through our superlative, erotic, new paranormal romance series, Low Tide.

Rico (Gilman)

In this SPOILER leaden episode, the a$$holes relive the glory and mastery of the lesser-known sequel 2010: The Year We Make Contact. Because Matt has never seen it, we take him on a circuitous journey through the plot (sort of) and foray on our own odyssey to create a Kubrick themed EU housed by the many satellites of Jupiter. Yeah, it’s hard to follow. A little like the original movie…

In episode 17, the assholes revisit the national disaster that was Sad Con. We plan for a second, sadder year, and simultaneously plot and cast the movie adaptation. Whether you are familiar with Sad Con Year 1 or not, this is a truly miserable experience, no background knowledge needed! Come to Sad Con 2, get a too-small t-shirt, win a Droopy award, and Live or Die- the choice is yours.

Hey- Fuck you guy from Brazil who had nothing positive to say about the first incarnation of Sad Con.

Welcome to episode 16! In this month’s installment we treat you to the plot of yet another film too awesome to get made. This time we are lampooning the Denver housing market, poking fun at the Colorado pot-refugees, and going all in on murdering celebrities to increase property values. Yep, we went there. Celebrity hauntings = the next logical step in exciting real estate amenities. And just imagine how many likes you could get on Instagram with your spectrally enhanced RiNo loft! #SpiritualCohabitation

Whether you live in Colorado or not, we think you will enjoy a Rick Moranis/Jessica Lange vehicle (with a cameo by Earth, Wind and Fire?? Count me in!) setting the celebrity bar LOW with this playful, yet murderous, dig into the seedy side of real estate.

For your reference:

An actual house listing

What the hell is on Hera’s head? This is the question that started it all. That, and the realization that her lekku jiggle on Rebels. 

That show is animated, and yet she jiggles away. Why? This lead to more and more questions, such as:

You ever notice that Twi’Lek’s are one of the only sexualized types of non-human aliens in Star Wars? Have you wondered where the lines of taboo are drawn? Is it socially acceptable for a human to date a wookiee? What about bone a Mon Calamari? An Ewok? If so, you are a sicko-nerd-pervert