Today we continue sharing about sexual intimacy in marriage. And let’s start with a question; is sex in marriage like a thermostat or a thermometer?

Well, we find thermostats in almost every cooling system – like car engines, aircons, fridges. The purpose is to regulate temperature and keep the system from over heating or cooling. So if sex in our marriage regulates our relationship – we are in deep trouble. Just think about it, sex good – marriage great, sex bad – marriage down the drain. Ok that can’t be it!

A thermometer on the other hand, as we have learnt during Covid, indicates that something could be wrong!

Likewise, in a healthy marriage, sex reinforces the relational bond. It is the most intimate and private act that couples share, a celebration of their unity and oneness. In this regard our sex life can be an indication of the well-being and health of our relationship.

Sex involves the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual and therefore reflects our well-being in these areas. Therefore, a lack of interest or rejection or withdrawal, may be because of something physical like fatigue, a pregnancy, a diet or the children. Mentally it could be due to stress. Or emotionally as result of guilt, conflict, anger or abuse.

So be mindful of these things and communicate it with one another.

But remember the bottom line – relax and take pleasure in the absolute uniqueness of your sexual intimacy as a married couple – it is, after all, a gift from God for you to enjoy!

Today we start by sharing about communication in marriage and specifically about sexual intimacy.

So, let’s kick off with a question; “Whose idea is sex anyway?” Well, that may be a difficult one – we live in times where the media is saturated with promoting certain ideas about sex. Sex is just a Google search away. We see it in movies and TV shows. Pornographic websites are rampant, and thousands of articles and video clips suggest the 3 secrets or the 10 things that will change sexual fantasy into reality. Finding the truth is very confusing!

Dennis Rainey (from Preparing for Marriage, a publication of FamilyLife - Campus Crusade for Christ) says that sex has become a cultural obsession; society paints sexual intimacy as a cheap counterfeit and a perversion of its original design! It is like a surgeon’s knife – designed for good but in the wrong hands it can do

The Bible tells us that God created man and women (Genesis 1:27), and God said that a man will leave his parents and unite with his wife and they will become one (Genesis 2:24). So, in short – sex is God’s divine idea. As Rainey says – God created a process of intimate communication, of which sex is a significant part.

It is a powerful, emotional, bonding experience designed to strengthen a marriage – much as metal rods reinforce concrete. God designed sex as part of communication in a marriage and as a way to really ‘know’ each other.

The bottom line – sex is not an end, it is a means to an end! And we will talk more about this next time.

Asking for and granting forgiveness is difficult because usually our pride is involved.  This process becomes easier when we have established the ‘goodwill’ bank account we discussed in session two.

The offending party needs to take the initiative to ask for forgiveness.  This involves:

Determine what, how and when something should be said.

Asking for forgiveness might look something like this.  “Yesterday, I said you always spend too much.  I was wrong to accuse you, especially when I used the word ‘always’.  Will you forgive me?”  Then keep quiet and wait for your partner’s reply.

The person who was wronged is responsible to forgive – even if the partner never asks forgiveness.  In granting forgiveness, we make a choice to give up our right to punish the other person.  Forgiveness is a supernatural response.  We can call on the power of the Holy Spirit to empower us to forgive, even when we don’t feel like it.  After all we also want to be forgiven when we fail.

Sometimes we agree to disagree.  In light of eternity, some issues really aren’t worth our energy to fight about.  Don’t make a conflict where there doesn’t need to be one.

The late Dr Gary Smalley had a brilliant video series called ‘Anger to Intimacy’.  In it he tells the story of a friend whose wife was continually leaving drawers and doors open.  She didn’t do it intentionally; she just didn’t see it.  The husband tried every conceivable way to change her, but he failed.  In the end, he just decided to be a ‘drawer closer.’  Sometimes we need to overlook the offense and be a ‘drawer closer’ – end of conflict.

Finally, it’s important to remember that it is rarely just one person in the relationship who causes the conflict.  Even if your partner is 97% wrong and you only contributed 3%, it’s important that you acknowledge your 3% and also seek forgiveness.

The issue is not who wins or loses but restoring harmony and ‘oneness’ in the relationship.

In our last session we talked about avoiding, or minimising, conflict by building goodwill in the relationship.  But let’s say you have an explosive conflict.  What do you do then?

Determine what, how and when something should be said.

Learning the skills to successfully negotiate conflict is a lifelong, growing process, but it is well worth the investment.

A key principle to successful conflict resolution is to proactively create an environment of love, trust and refuge.  I like to think of it as a ‘goodwill’ bank account that is available to draw on in times of conflict.  As you invest in the relationship, you will reap the rewards when you need those deep reserves of goodwill.

We begin to build goodwill when we demonstrate appreciation for our partner.  Instead of nagging, scolding and belittling be lavish with a thank you, praise and words of affirmation.

Find ways to spend time together, without other distractions.  Have fun.  Go for walks, hikes, coffee, dinner out – all without the children.  Or go away someplace for a day or a weekend where you can connect and talk about topics other than work, current conflicts or even children.  Be creative with what fits you and your personalities.

My husband Ken and I try to take 15-20 minutes every day to play a backgammon match – but no gambling!  We are very competitive, but we laugh a lot and the relaxed environment allows us to occasionally speak about more serious issues at the same time.

Another thing Ken and I have done for most of our 36 years is to read books together.  We usually go out for coffee to eliminate the distractions of our home, and read a portion of the book, then discuss the contents.  It has generated great discussions that sometimes go on for days.  It has helped us see into each other’s hearts and has drawn us closer together.

Building into the relationship takes time but will prevent many conflicts from even happening.

Whatever you do, be proactive and plan how you will create an environment that builds oneness and allows the relationship to flourish.

In previous sessions we have covered many aspects of the marriage relationship.  One theme that should have been central to all these areas is that we want to build ‘oneness’ in our marriages.  The opposite of oneness is isolation.  Building oneness requires good communication skills, especially when addressing conflict.

When couples marry, it’s like two mini cultures colliding to create a new culture.  This process of changing and adapting to one another inevitably leads to conflict.  If conflict is approached correctly, it is healthy because it enables the individuals to mature and grow and draws the couple closer together.  That’s the exciting potential of conflict

The not so exciting side of conflict is change, and sometimes there is pain with the change.

Just like any life skill, we all need help learning how to constructively engage in conflict.  Some of these skills are:

Unresolved conflict can intensify the emotions of future conflicts, so we want to work hard at settling conflicts before they create bitterness and isolation in the relationship.

Finally we look at mother as a teacher and mentor of her children. Proverbs 31:26 says: “She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.”

A mom teaches by communicating her values and priorities and by being a model that her children can pattern themselves by.

A mother is the primary teacher of the next generation. Proverbs 1:8 says: “Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching.”

A mother teaches her daughter about being a godly woman. “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”  – Proverbs 31:30

A mother models to her daughter the significant impact of her role as a wife and mother in God’s design of the family.

She models to her son the kind of woman he should marry. Proverbs 31:1 talks about an oracle taught by a mother to her son. She also teaches her son how to honour and appreciate a woman’s responsibilities of being a wife and mom.

Mentoring occurs when a woman is available to teach other women how to love God, love their husbands and love their children.

A successful mother must be committed to God and His Word and not the world.

What kind of legacy will you, as a mother, leave?

God places great importance on a mother’s love for her children. The Bible says older women should train the younger women to love their husbands and children. Titus 2:4

Love is lived. Children hear, see and feel it. Mother demonstrates love by loving God, her family, herself and others. Mother does not show acts of love to other people at the expense of her children. She is careful not to create resentment in her growing children while teaching the principles of sharing. For God so loved the world that He gave!

Apostle Paul says in 1 Thessalonians 2:7 – “But we were gentle among you, like a mother caring for her little children.”

Nurturing children cultivates their ability to give and receive love. It takes a godly, prayerful and sensitive mother to love children in a balanced manner. Gentle and tough at the same time. Creating healthy boundaries so that with love children learn to respect others. Creating boundaries can facilitate security when done consistently and lovingly.

Nurturing children requires mother to be personally, emotionally and spiritually involved.

Children need to be a valued priority in a mother’s heart.

Children need significant amounts of time and attention to be healthy and well adjusted.

Proverbs 29:15b, 17 says: “…but a child left to himself disgraces his mother. Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul.”

God honours and BLESSES a mother’s love for her children.

Her children will be blessed. Psalm 112:2b says: “…the generation of the upright will be blessed.”

As we see in Proverbs 31:28a “…she herself will be blessed. Her children arise and call her blessed.”

Will your children call you blessed?

In session 3 we Consider mother’s involvement outside the home

Building a home also requires that a couple depends upon the wisdom of God.

A couple should prayerfully consider, then agree upon their motives and priorities, before mom becomes involved in too many activities outside the home. Questions to consider include:

There are times in a family when mom’s activities outside the home may be more appropriate and suitable than other times.

There are times when a family’s needs could be undetermined  by mom’s distraction with too many outside activities. This can be, when there are young children in the home, during teenage years of the children and when the husband does not get the support he needs.

The attitude a couple has about mom’s importance in the family will directly influence how the children value their mom and her role.

Having said all that, we should not be silent about working mothers. The most ideal situation would be for women to consider taking a break during child birth years and during the teen ages of the children. These are crucial years for bringing up children and supporting them. We realise however, that working mothers engage the help of domestic workers and institutions like pre-schools and kindergartens.

In this case mother should make up for time lost during weekends and in the evenings. Mother should develop a relationship with her children such that they will discuss matters openly so that she picks up quickly where her children are being taught differently and correct that as soon as possible

Are your activities reasonably balanced?

Motherhood is often devalued by society. Sometimes women say “I am only a mother” as if that does not mean much. Motherhood is often belittled in the light of academic careers and other things regarded by society as important.

Yet motherhood is the most important full time job. It is a high and holy calling of God. God sees mother as a home builder!! “She builds her house, with her own hands” ( Proverbs 14:1); “…she watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness” (Proverbs 31:27).

We should go with what God says not what culture says. In Acts 4:19 the apostles say: “Judge for yourselves if it is better for us to listen to you or to God”. God’s ideas have eternal value.

The home is a mother’s primary sphere of influence and teaching Godly values. Mother’s home reflects her values.

Security and self-worth of the children are firstly formed by the relationship they have with their mother and secondly, by the relationship their mother has with their father.

How has your mother influenced your feelings and values concerning family and children? Your view of motherhood does not have to be negative because of past experiences.

God is able to make a new thing with you. If you had a positive experience, God can make it even better for you and your own children. Effective motherhood is possible.

Motherhood skills, attitudes and perspectives can be developed by seeking godly, older women as role models (Titus 2:3, 4); reading helpful books, as well as seeking godly professional counselling.

Much of children’s future is shaped by experiences in the home.

What are your fears about being a mom? Take them to the Lord in prayer, as we read in Philippians 4:6.