Gotta Grow Up Sometime!

It’s 1 a.m. and there is entirely too much going on in this town, considering the hour. In full ninja regalia, Saja checks out a jogger’s butt. Glory and Callie have become BFFs. Jimmy is still at the Tool n Die, probably for creepy reasons. Sydney gets stuck in an elevator, then she gets stuck in Mila’s plan to date Billy Gunn on the down-low. Owen: still striking out with Mila.

Garrett and Sydney have spent an entire hour staring at each other across the pool. Billy Gunn amps up the creep factor to astonishing new levels. Callie makes arrangements for extended landlubbery because apparently Swans Crossing is not, in fact, the only place left. Mr. Han has been running a clandestine drug ring out of the library and we are ON TO HIM. Busted!

Welcome to the Nudibranquet. The Countess really goes all out in her attempt to seduce Captain Walker: Ritz crackers with CheezWiz, synchronized swimmers, Dolores the Nudibranch Girl, inexplicable ping-pong balls, an original aria composed for the occasion… it’s an evening no one in Swans Crossing will soon forget.

Sydney is dressed down and is going through some shit. The Countess outsources her seduction of Captain Walker to the local youth. Barek bilocates. Mila is torn between Garrett and Billy Gunn. Owen sleeps in his studio. Callie kicks Jimmy where it counts. Nancy commits gossip fraud. We are here for Sassy Sandy Swan. There's a lot going on in this one; strap in.

To no one’s surprise, Sydney violates Sandy’s basic human rights. Jimmy and Callie decide to Do It, but not in the way you’re thinking. Garrett further enmeshes Sandy in his intricate scheme to ruin Sydney’s life. Mila rehearses her impending victimization at Billy Gunn’s hands. Hope you guys like bird sounds, cause you’re getting a lot of them today.

Billy Gunn is the Matt Gaetz of Swans Crossing. We solve the mystery of Jimmy’s lone T-shirt. JT and Neil attempt to build a missile silo. Barek is fully cognizant of his own creepiness. Sandy senses her advantage over Sydney. We ponder the metaphysical nature of the Baldies. Ralph and Mr. Han have the greatest scene of all time.

It’s Season 4, Swannies! Sandy dyes her hair the color of a school bus. Garrett test drives a new catch phrase. Billy Gunn’s in town, and he’s most definitely a predator. Saja hits on Callie. Nathan gets very angry at a tree. Libbie tells a shocking 90s story from her Mormon past about pizza and sex.

JT jumps out a window. Sydney’s existential crisis continues apace. Garrett likes to watch. Extremely long con/extremely low payoff. Audio quality was worse than usual this time due to technical issues. Sorry. We suck, but that’s why you love us. Happy end of Season 3! Season 4 starts Feb 12!

Omicron ruined Libbie's holiday plans so she wrote a fanfic instead of visiting her family. Glory plans a Secret Santa gift exchange, but it doesn't exactly go as planned...

Callie’s hair grew three sizes that day. Somebody (Jazz?) roofied Neil. Sydney is busy gazing. Everyone has so many watches. Captain Walker achieves fishception. Nathan has a great idea for a holiday special.