Gotta Grow Up Sometime!

Garrett—an actual, honest-to-goodness wizard—performs a ritual to transmogrify Sydney into Sandy. The Countess clearly thinks Mila and Owen have been bonin’ down. Nathan’s dog is a bougie bitch. Libbie sets the record straight about her alleged “obsession” with the SC theme song. The OUTFITS in this one, you guys. Wow. Wow.

Sandy and Nancy get drunk on milkshakes and talk Jimmy into a menage et trois. Sydney’s anxieties are spiraling out of control. JT gets some dramatic musical stings. Garrett isn’t even a little bit wet. LEAVE SANDY ALONE!

Our noble friend is rocking out tonight. Sophia’s on the prowl. Sydney’s getting worried. JT’s hands are sweaty. Neil has vanished. Mila won’t shut up about her rhymes. This party sucks, man. Plus: We get political and expose our liberal agenda (via Dan Quayle jokes).

Surprise! There’s a dance tonight! Callie and Barek have a Highlander dynamic. We meet Jack Goldbrick, never to forget him. Jimmy has an interesting take on vampirism. Nathan knows a lot of dramaturges.

We interviewed Stacey Moseley, aka our queen, Callie Walker. What did Stacey wear to her audition? How do you build a swimming pool in a sound stage? Was Callie going to have an EVIL TWIN? Where did Stacey’s eyebrows go? The answers to these questions and so many more on this very special episode of Gotta Grow Up Sometime.

Apparently somebody put LSD in the Swans Crossing municipal water supply, because this week the whole entire cast is tripping balls. Saja crushes a lock with his fist. Owen is seeing triple. Garrett commits botanicide. We figured out why Mila can’t swim. Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow.

Owen gets stuck inside his drum set. Sandy is still putting up with his crap. A glimpse into Ralph’s rich inner life. Jazz, with a vast hairdo, issues a dire warning to Sydney. Nathan writes a beautiful poem. Libbie spent the weekend in a Hollywood orgy suite.

Happy Season 3, Swannies! Garrett is grounded. Sydney is triumphant. Barek is back to his usual schtick of harassing minors. The Buckyballs swing both ways. Coach Tuna brings the pain. Neil and JT are werewolves, apparently. Nathan looks forward to pooping his pants.

Sydney, master of chaos, steers the slumber party straight onto the rocks of her vengeance. Saja is bullied over meatballs. Glory and JT kiss, allegedly, and Nathan is MAD about it. Guess what Sandy’s birthmark is shaped like. Just guess. Garrett is literally going to commit murder. It’s the end of Season 2! I can’t believe we’re still doing this!

The slumber party is BYOW: Bring Your Own Wig. Guys, this episode is cursed. Tech issues, echoes, weird sound things I couldn’t fix… the literal coven put a hex on our show. Plus, Barek is… wow. SO gross in this one. Enjoy.