Gramercy

Author Rashod's autobiography about his father's imprisonment is eerily similar to one most of us might already be familiar with from Bryan Stevenson's book, "Just Mercy." It's heartbreaking, unfair, and cruel...but imagine being the child who had to live through it. This is Rashod's story...

Rashod has such a tender heart for helping people. He also brings a unique perspective….that of an African American police officer. He sees and can speak to  both sides of the equation with knowledge, compassion, and understanding. He is purposeful about building positive relationships with those living in tougher neighborhoods. He seeks out kids that used to be like him as a youth and tries to give them attention, kindness, and wisdom because he knows what they lack and need since he was one of those kids.

One thing his mom taught him was to never be a victim of his environment nor to be a victim of who you are. This advice was taken to heart and lived out even though terrible things happened to their family.  I'm in awe of how they stayed focused and continued being the best people they could be in society. All of us need to take Rashod's Mom's wisdom to heart: "Understand the history, but don't use it as a victim card. Be cautious in this society, but don't let that hinder you from being happy."

I had quite the "aha moment" when Rashod said, "White people will never understand what it feels like...that trauma is passed down through generations." I desperately want to understand, I want to empathize, I want to show I care….but he's right. I'll never feel it, the best I can do is imagine the pain. Trauma passed down through generations takes time to heal, and if circumstances keep that trauma raw and at the surface, it takes even longer to heal. I think as white people, we would do good to remember this and extend more grace, patience, and mercy since we can't pretend to understand or know the depth of this feeling.

Lastly, I want to encourage you to read Rashod's story in his own words from his book, "Fatherless Son." I'm actually going to make it easier for one of you wonderful listeners by giving you a chance to get his book for free. All you need to do is send an email to [email protected] and tell me your favorite quote from Officer Coleman's episode. I will draw a winner at random on March 28th, 2021 and notify the lucky reader via email. Author Rashod also has a 7 part series on YouTube that describes in detail everything he went through to exonerate his father. I've watched all of them and am impressed with all the time, research, and energy it took to help free his Father from all charges. You can find all of Author Rashod's social media and website links in the show notes.

I'd like to end with Officer Coleman's tip for making the world a better place: "Take care of the person next to you." It really is that simple. And he is a shining example of what that looks like. He answers Martin Luther King Jr's question of: "Life's most persistent and urgent question is, 'What are you doing for others?" May we all find the answer to that question for our own lives, just as Rashod has. 

Rashod's Quotes:

From his mom and Maya Angelou: "When people show you who they are, believe them."

From his basketball coach friend: "Do right."

Road To Exoneration (YouTube) - 7 part series 

Author Rashod on Instagram

Author Rashod's Website

Author Rashod's Email: [email protected]

My guest today has a long list of credits to her name: author, creative, educator,  podcaster (her books and podcast are linked in the show notes), and public speaker just to name a few. Rabhin has taught in the Long Beach, CA Unified School District for over twenty years. She’s worked a total of 30 years in education at various levels—K-12, community college and university. She earned her BA in Sociology from Stanford University and J.D. at UCLA School of Law. Oh ya, and she does all that while also walking half marathons multiple times a year. She embodies joy. She's one of those people that after you spend time with her, you just feel better, happier, and more optimistic. From the second we met, we hit it off. I normally sit and visit with each of my guests for a while before we officially start recording for the podcast. I usually never leave those segments in the final, edited version. But today, our conversation right out of the gate was INCREDIBLE. I wanted you guys to have the chance to hear the whole thing and see Rahbin's genuine nature. She starts dropping pearls of wisdom before the show even started. 

I'm so thankful Rahbin mentioned scarcity vs. abundance. It is true that it is a mindset and what you see is what you look for. As she mentioned, we are both, in our own unique ways, working towards the same end: helping voice the stories of Black people in America. We are competitors - we're co-workers for a larger cause. Our country needs as many of these conversations as we can get.  

Rahbin's words on allyship were poignant and hard hitting. Allyship is not enough. Sometimes I think, as white people, we pat ourselves on the back and say, "but I'm on their side. I marched in a rally. I have Black friends. I have a BLM sign in my yard." Great - but what are you doing about it?! I've actually had someone ask me that. My gut reaction was, "probably not enough." But then I responded to him honestly with:  Well, I'm educating myself in Black history from Black authors, I'm listening to lived experiences, I'm learning about systemic racism, and I'm dialoguing with white friends about it all. Do you agree with Rahbin's statement, "We're all entitled to live a life in which we thrive without limitation?" If so, what are you doing about it? This question is challenging because it disrupts our comfort zone. It requires that we take a stand at the expense of friendships, convenience, what others might think of us. It's the equivalent of putting our money where our mouth is.

If you would love to hear more stories like those found on Gramercy, check out Rahbin's podcast, 365 Brothers on any podcasting platform.As Rahbin says, you will discover the breadth and depth of Black men in America.  It will expand your world, your heart, and your understanding, as it has mine. 

I'll close with a quote from Rahbin's dream dinner guest the singer and songwriter, Prince. He's known for saying, "Compassion is an action word with no boundaries." May we all be inspired to try acts of compassion by simply smiling more and saying "hello" to people different from as, just as Rahbin has.

Rahbin's Quote:

Pearle Bailey - "To talk to someone who does not listen is enough to tense the devil."

Rahbin's website: All Things Shyne

Rabin's Podcast: 365 Brothers

LaQuanta's mom made the hard choice of leaving her home and family in Tulsa to give a better life with more opportunity to her kids by moving to Seattle. She was given the chance to grow up in a beautiful neighborhood with successful professionals as parents and all the privilege that comes with it. I found her admission fascinating that privilege sheltered her exposure to racist actions even though she saw glimpses in how those around her were treated. I can understand how it took her awhile to process these actions as racism since they were not overt in nature.  

I appreciate LaQuanta's sage advice that change begins with the younger generation. She's absolutely right. Teaching empathy and compassion at a young age is critical to ending all these great divides we have in our society. To quote Jane Elliott, "Racism is a learned affliction and anything that is learned can be unlearned." I love how LaQuanta is actively teaching her daughter through her actions what kindness, acceptance, and understanding of all people looks like.

I'm also glad LaQuanta brought up the George Floyd murder and how it produced trauma for all who saw it. I hadn't thought about it in those terms before. It seems we've all become so desensitized to violence because of the movies we watch or video games we play. But George was a real person. This wasn't staged. It was real blood. Real hate. Real shock. All filmed live and no one had any power to stop it. That's traumatic. How do we as a country heal from that? I think the answer lies in what so many guests have said and LaQuanta echos….kindness. The more seeds of kindness we plant, the more fruit of kindness we grow. It seems to have an exponential growth pattern. But sadly, so does fear and hate. It is a conscious choice. We have to educate ourselves and choose kindness. As R.J. Palacio says in her book, Wonder, "When given the choice between being right or being kind, choose kind. Let's start there. Thank you LaQuanta for reminding us that we never know where people are or what they're going through and how a morsel of kindness can change someone's day or entire life.

LaQuanta's Quotes: 
"Baby, if you're gonna pray, then don't worry." her Grandma 

"Never look down on someone unless you're reaching down to lift them up." Anonymous

Today I am so happy to introduce you to my new friend Ralph Monroe III. He is a modern day renaissance man. He is a poet, father, husband, podcaster, graduate student, preacher, audio and video producer, graphic artist, and business owner. But I knew he was my new best friend when I read in his bio that bookstores are like candy stores for him. We are kindred spirits. Unfortunately, you don't have the benefit of seeing him while he is talking. If you did, you would see a man who never stops smiling. His joy of life is contagious. He is a deep thinker with a poetic mind, and a captivating way of expressing his thoughts. Without further adieu, here is Ralph Monroe...

The odds Ralph overcame to get where he is and become the person he is today are overwhelming. His path is not a straight one. But it's precisely the path he needed to take in order to grow in the grace, knowledge, and understanding he encapsulates at this time in his life. His life story reminds me of the quote by Alexandre Dumas in his book, The Count of Monte Cristo, "Only a man who has felt ultimate despair is capable of feeling ultimate bliss."

I feel I can relate to so much of Ralph's heart...his love of learning, his desire to go deep, how he wants to help affect change for good on a large scale and for the future benefit of his children. I appreciate his balanced approach to life. He holds the tension of systemic racism in the here and now along side his hope for change for future generations. He said it perfectly, "the battle that wages inside of me." His poem, Vexed, captures this tension with poiniency. His hope in a better future does not negate the pain and hardship of the present. But he chooses not to focus on it. He embraces the feelings experienced by living in a society riddled with systemic racism, but he also embraces hope. It doesn't have to be one or the other.  Ralph is the living breathing example of the motto he posts on his website: "The greatest message you will ever speak is given without words; it's how you live your life."

I'm so glad he quoted Dr. King on Sincere Ignorance. It is dangerous. Intentional or unintentional, it certainly seems to fuel hate, self-preservation, and racism. I appreciated his practical advice for how to place ourselves in others' shoes...by reading a book or listening to a podcast, or educating ourselves in order to help us foster understanding. I'm thankful for the reminder that understanding does not equate to agreement. It is simply a way of showing respect. May we all remember that only we can control our responses to situations and choose to live with hope and humility...as Ralph has.

Ralph's Quote: "Everyday can be beautiful if you make it." - Ralph's Grandfather

Vexed   by Ralph Monroe III

Vexed, annoyed, irritated, infuriated.

Disturbed, exacerbated, perturbed, frustrated.

Heartbroken, anguished, crushed, isolated.

Grieving, shattered, downcast, mentally suffering.

Oppression, suppression, injustice.

Tired of it.

But God's suffering, pain, sacrifice
think of it.

Stay steadfast, unwavering, unchanging

Is what God speaks to me

How do I keep loving, interceding, believing

In this society?

My faith, conviction, hope

Is in Him

God's grace, His Spirit, His Truth

Break through us

Like waters breaking a dam

God's justice will roll on through

And righteousness will flow

Like a stream leading back to You.

Yes, I'm vexed

But will remain steadfast

And be a voice until I breathe my last.

Ways to find Ralph online:

Ralph's Podcast
Ralph's Instagram

Ralph's Personal Website

Ralph's Business Website

I can't wait to introduce you to my dear friend, Crystal. In this episode, you might feel a bit like a fly on the wall overhearing two friends sitting at the kitchen table just talking about life. Crystal is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Certified School Counselor, and Musician.  She began her professional experiences as a middle school and high school orchestra director. Crystal has 19 years of educational experience and 7 years as a School Counselor. She is also the mom of two incredible highschoolers, Carissa and Rueben and an all around hilarious, good person. 

When I think of my times with Crystal, I think of laughter and sunshine. That is what she brings to our friendship and I am forever grateful that our paths crossed in this big, beautiful world. She has helped shape my thinking in so many areas. She is a huge encouragement and you always leave feeling better after time spent in her presence. Because we are just two friends talking, I completely forgot to formally welcome her to the show. We just jumped in and started talking. So grab a cup of coffee or tea, pull up a chair, and join us as we discuss what racism looks like from Crystal's perspective.

I love Crystal's dartboard analogy! I can apply that to all of my relationships. I know Crystal said she uses humor as a defense mechanism, but I appreciate that she is self-reflective enough to know this about herself. Being able to admit to others that you know how you try to deflect uncomfortable situations shows such a deep knowledge of oneself, and comes from a place of humility, and authenticity. I have learned from watching Crystal's example,  that I too, wish to be able to vulnerably admit my own defenses to others instead of making excuses and justifications for my actions. 

Crystal's counseling expertise is a definite bonus in being able to help navigate these often muddy waters of racism and relationships for herself, her kids, as well as the high schoolers she serves with on a daily basis. I have deep respect for how she is thankful for all the trials and hardships of her life for she knows she wouldn't be the person she is today without them. You know you've reached the pinnacle of maturity when you can look your past in the face and see how all of it, the good and bad, has worked collectively to create the person you are today. There is an ancient Chinese proverb that says: “The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials.” May we all see the friction we encounter as just another day of being polished...as Crystal has. 

Crystal's Quotes: Both from Maya Angelou
"When people show you who they are, believe them." 
"When you know better, you do better."

Precious has a contagious optimism and a gift of expressing herself with eloquence and grace. In today's episode, we discuss what it means to be a strong black woman, what passive aggressive comments look and feel like, as well as what it's like growing up biracial in the United States. 

I want to give a huge shout out to Precious' parents for raising such a self-aware, well-adjusted, conscientious young lady who knows who she is and where she stands. She tackles tough problems with action, assertiveness, and kindness. Precious takes her impact on the world seriously. She's out there on all these social media platforms not just to hear herself speak, but for the greater good. She knows the impact her words have on others and is purposeful about spreading kindness, awareness, and happiness (and what says happiness better than great cooking tips, recipes, and advice?!). I love how she refers to it as the butterfly effect. 

If you want to learn more about Precious you can find her podcast titled, "Precious the Foodie'' wherever you listen to podcasts. I also encourage you to check out her website where she has links to fantastic articles, TEDtalks, and podcasts in learning more about anti-racism. Be sure to check the show notes for the links to all of Precious' social media sites. 

Mother Teresa says, "Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless." I see this lived out in the life of my sweet guest today. May we all be cognizant of the butterfly effect we have on people's lives and choose kindness every chance we get, like Precious has.

Precious' Original Quote: "Kindness never goes out of style.The more you put good into the world, it naturally becomes a better place to live, not just for you, but for everyone."

Precious Pioneer Blog

Precious Pioneer on Instagram

Precious Pioneer on YouTube

Today I am in conversation with Mr. Bobby Washington. He is a pastor at the multicultural East Denver Church of God. He is also a successful businessman owning and operating two nationwide businesses. Bobby has a Chinese mother and African American father and lived abroad during his childhood. His life experiences give him a unique point of view about racism in the U.S . I was captivated by his story, his gentle manner in conveying the truth, his honest perspective about racism, and the kindness that radiates from him. 

There were several takeaways from my visit with Bobby. I especially appreciated his insight into the word "we", how it's used for a lot of things, but not in relation to racism. It's like we don't want to own our part in it, look at ourselves, and deal with it.  I love how he said, "Why can't we walk together with that too?" We are willing to carry the honor of our past collective victories as a country, but not our past collective failures or injustices. That's a heavy truth that needs more unpacking and honest reflection.

Bobby's bubble analogy made me smile since I recently heard the exact same metaphor from my friend Rama in Season 1. Opening our bubbles, or spheres of influence, to others is another way of encouraging inclusivity. Being more loving has never made anyone feel left out. But putting labels on people gives us many reasons to exclude. 

Lastly, I was impressed with Bobby's confession about how he carried a chip on his shoulder for years. And really, who could blame him? But he was humble and teachable enough to see that carrying that chip was not moving him forward...only love and forgiveness can do that. May we all carefully reflect on our own lives and be willing to admit the anger, resentment, or hurt we're holding onto so we don't negatively project it onto others, just as Bobby did all those years ago. By letting go of that chip, he wasn't saying that all the injustices he experienced were okay, they were still painfully raw. But he didn't focus on them anymore. He changed his focus and in doing so changed the trajectory of his life to helping others affect positive change in this world.

Bobby's life reminds of MLK's quote: "There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies." Thank you for choosing to live a life of love when it would be easy to succumb to hate. May we all choose love, as Bobby has.

Bobby's Quote: "A gentle word turns away wrath." The Bible, Proverbs 15:1

East Denver Church of God

 I first learned of Myriama through a mutual friend who sent me her article, "Seeing Color." . In it, Myriama says, "Now is the right time to educate yourself on the reality of black lives and how you can become an effective advocate for racial justice. You can start by seeing color." She is a thoughtful, kind, expressive young woman and thanks to her incredible parents, she is especially wise beyond her years. I commend her for taking the time to share her heart, fears, and experiences with us. It is a very vulnerable position to be in and I applaud her courage.

From my time with Myriama it's evident to me that she lives out her favorite quote. She is such an inspiration to me with her calm, gentle, patient ways. I am in awe of her parents and the love, wisdom, and acceptance of others they modeled to their beautiful daughter as she was growing up. Not that her life was without struggle. I see how those hardships, anxieties, and inequities were used as teachable moments that helped her grow in grace and wisdom. They made her a stronger, better person. But those insensitive remarks, stereotyping, and cruel behaviors still caused great pain. She just chose forgiveness, love, and education as the ways of healing those wounds. I see you Myriama. I see what you're going through and I stand with you. May we all find it within ourselves to be gracious to one another and to live as intentionally as Myriama has.

Myriama's Quote: "Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that." MLK Jr.

Myriama's Newspaper Article: "Seeing Color"

Myriama's Roster Page at Saint Louis University

Atlantic 10 Conference's women's basketball Player of the Week

Saja Butler is first and foremost a musician. Music can't help but flow out of her. She owns her own company called Urban Monk Studio where she has taught and continues to teach thousands of music lovers how to sing and play a variety of instruments. She is passionate about the power of music in life. Saja sees music as a bridge that joins people together. It is with that same contagious joy and passion that she welcomes and loves everyone in her life. 

I met Saja at her home in Old Town Fort Collins, Colorado. Being that we are in the time of covid, we sat out back on her patio with the appropriate level of social distance between us. But the unintended, beautiful consequence of this time outside was the delightful sounds of nature and the neighborhood that enveloped our conversation. You'll hear birdsong, rustling wind, airplanes, a nail gun, loud mufflers, and the occasional dog bark. And it truly was a conversation. I was lost in her story, magnetic personality, and cadence of her voice. I felt like I was sitting in the backyard of a friend I'd known all my life and we were just passing the heavenly fall afternoon sharing stories.  

What I appreciate most is Saja's willingness to be real about all the facets in her life. She is one of the most genuine people I have met. She's honest about her struggles as a small business owner, how she feels blue some days and needs to talk it out with friends, and about the trauma of her parents' divorce but also the healing that came out of it years later. These aren't "black only problems." This is the human condition. We are all more the same than we are different. We can all relate to these struggles. The color of our skin does not change that. Saja is not more or less successful in this life because of her skin color. This just happened to be the beautiful pigment she was born with. True, her struggles can be compounded because others look at the melanin of her skin and attribute false stereotypes to it just as some could look at my skin color and assume generalizations about me that may or may not be true. This is why we need to surround ourselves with people different from us...to learn how they cope, what they struggle with, what their fears are, what brings them deep joy...and then maybe we'll find our commonality. And in that commonality we'll find compassion, relatability, and hopefully, a friend. The beauty of this is that we already know how to do this. We do this with people who share our same religion, or nationality, or favorite football team. We're not all automatically friends because of this commonality, it's a choice we make. All we have to do now is be more intentional about meeting others outside of our bubbles and make an effort to find common ground. Slowly, relationships will build and as Saja points out, it's the intimacy of a relationship that will fight racism. 

I had several "aha" moments with Saja when I felt like she was speaking right to my heart. The first was when she said, "Music is literally about the present moment. It is a gift." I have experienced what she was speaking of but was never able to phrase it in the way Saja did. It brought me such joy to hear her express this in the way she did. 

I was left speechless when Saja was nonchalantly describing the Saturday klan rallies in the southern town of her youth. I was impressed with the insight she draws about how the south is healing faster because of that overt racism than other places where racism is more covert. It really does go back to what James Baldwin said, "Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.”

The light bulb went off in my head again when Saja mentioned people reacting instead of responding. How many times have I been guilty of this very thing. Reacting is a knee jerk behavior triggered out of our own pain or fear. But taking time to respond requires fore-thought that eventually influences the conversation in a genuine manner.

I left my time with Saja feeling  hope for the future, a light heart, and joy deep inside - all that after an hour long visit talking about racism. Some people are just like that, they leave a trail of joy behind them everywhere they go. May we all give our genuine selves to another, be present with them, and leave them with the knowledge that they  are loved, listened to, and accepted, as Saja does.

Saja's Quote: Howard Berger: "Truth is a social construct merely relative to one's nature."

Saja's Website: Urban Monk Studios

In this season we learn how to be an ally to our Black co-workers, neighbors, and friends. We learn how to ask relevant questions. We learn how to listen. We learn how to say, "I see you. I hear you. I am with you."

Articles on Racism:

What is systemic racism?

Becoming comfortable with the uncomfortable topic of race.

Anti-racism: A practice in being uncomfortable.

The Myth of a Post Racial America

Post Racial Society

ACLU videos:

Los Angeles, 1992 - 100 Years of Racism in Policing

Detroit, 1967 - 100 Years of Racism in Policing

Harlem, 1935 - 100 Years of Racism in Policing

Chicago, 1919 - 100 Years of Racism in Policing