What if the most mature thing you could do this week… is not respond?

In this episode, Pam and Erin slow it right down and talk about something deceptively simple—but wildly life-changing: the pause. Not the “I’m biting my tongue so I don’t lose it” kind of pause… but the kind that becomes a ritual—a way of living that creates depth, dignity, and way fewer “I can’t believe I said that” moments.

This conversation was inspired by a beautiful novel Pam couldn’t put down: The Correspondent by Virginia Evans—a story told through handwritten letters that reminded us what it feels like to communicate with intention… not impulse.

• Why speed isn’t the same as depth (and why “quick replies” often cost us)

• The neuroscience of reactive communication: amygdala hijack, cortisol spikes, and why your “wise self” basically goes offline

• How most “communication” is actually emotional discharge
  (“We don’t respond… we release.” 🔥)

• A hilarious (and painfully relatable) real-life story from Pam about returning a curling iron… and how silence did the work

• Why delayed responses can be maturity—not avoidance
  (and how Pam’s divorce process has unexpectedly taught her that)

Pam breaks it down into an easy framework you’ll recognize immediately:

1. Triggered Self – flooded, reactive, defensive, fast-fingered on the keyboard

2. Protective Self – strategic, righteous, looking for validation (“I’m right, right?!”)

3. Sovereign Self – grounded, clear, dignity intact, speaking from “what matters most”

And yes… we talk about how the Protective Self loves to recruit a friend into the drama triangle. (We’ve all done it.)

If you take nothing else from this episode, take this:

1. Regulate — don’t respond while activated (move your body, breathe, walk, journal, do the somatic thing)

2. Name it — what is it really? hurt? fear? humiliation? rejection? (naming reduces intensity)

3. Identity check — who do I want to be in this story? what would my future self do?

4. Precision response — fewer words, cleaner tone, no emotional leakage
   “Sovereignty is concise.”

Because honestly… wouldn’t it be nice if you didn’t have to repair everything all the time?

• “We don’t respond, we release.”

• “The pause restores wisdom.”

• “Don’t assume a peaceful person is unskilled at war.”

• “Draft it. Don’t send it. Sleep on it. Then speak from who you’re becoming—not who you were in pain.”

If you want a soothing, soul-nourishing read (or listen), Pam highly recommends The Correspondent by Virginia Evans—and shares why she’s inspired to start writing letters again (the real kind… with paper).

If your nervous system is craving a reset—and your heart is craving clarity—this is your invitation.

Join Pam + Erin (and yes… the cowboy) for a transformative weekend on a private ranch and private lake in 100 Mile, BC. Expect:

• yoga + meditation

• breathwork

• a grounded personal development program you can actually apply

• horses + horseback riding

• campfire magic + lots of laughter

• the kind of space where you can finally hear yourself again

It’s deep enough to change you… and light enough that you’ll have a blast.

👉 Link to reserve your spot is in the show notes. Spots are limited.

• “I wish I could unsend that text.”

• “I don’t trust what I’m about to say right now.”

• “I want to be calm… but I also want to be honest.”

• “I’m tired of repairing. I want to lead myself better.”

Until next time—take the pause. It’s not giving up. It’s growing up.

pamrader.com/gritandgrace

Grit & Grace Podcast — The Quiet Power of Being Unimpressive (feat. our resident Cowboy, Brian Thiessen)

What if the most aligned version of you… isn’t the flashiest one?

In this episode, Pam and Erin are joined by our resident cowboy, Brian Thiessen, for a funny-as-hell and surprisingly profound conversation about the difference between being impressive and being inspiring—and why “choosing the mule” might be the most radical act of self-respect you make this year.

Brian shares the story of being cast as an extra in a western film… only to show up late and get stuck with Tim the mule—the one ride nobody wants if you’re trying to look cool.

Except… when the frozen ground turns into chaos and horses start going down, Tim is the only one who makes it through.

It’s hilarious. It’s humbling. And it’s a perfect metaphor for the way we chase “pretty horses” in life—approval, validation, status, busy-ness—while the steady, unsexy choice is often what actually keeps us safe and gets us to the other side.

• Why “being impressive” is basically a drug (hello dopamine hits + chasing validation)

• The sneaky ways we perform: over-functioning, over-working, over-disciplining, over-serving

• Spiritual bypassing disguised as “I’m just regulated” (but inside you’re plotting someone’s demise 😅)

• People-pleasing and the exhausting game of managing perceptions

• The identity whiplash of losing “the stuff” (relationships, homes, status)… and realizing you actually like who you’re becoming

• A simple but powerful audit: Where am I performing instead of living? Who am I trying to impress?

“Grit without showmanship. Grace without applause.”

This episode is for anyone who’s tired of curating their life like it’s a brand—and is ready to feel steady, true, and free.

If this conversation hits, you’ll LOVE the retreat.

Pam, Erin, and Brian will be guiding you through a transformative weekend on a private ranch on a private lake in the Cariboo—campfires, horses, incredible food, yoga + meditation, breathwork, and a grounded program designed to help you get crystal clear on what matters most and how to actually live from that place.

Spots are limited and this one will fill fast—the link is in the show notes.

If you’re ready to stop leaking life force into being “impressive” and start living aligned (for real), here are a few ways to go deeper:

• 1:1 Coaching with Pam (private, personal, powerful) pamrader.com

• Programs + group containers through Shift Labs / the Grit & Grace ecosystem

• Retreat experiences (including the Grit & Grace Retreat May 21–24) pamrader.com/gritandgrace

Addicted to Intensity? Here's how to stop letting it run your life.

Ever notice how things can be good… and then your brain is like, “Cool cool cool—let’s ruin it”? 🙃
In this episode, Pam and Erin get hilariously honest about the sneaky ways a dysregulated nervous system can become addicted to intensity—creating drama, urgency, and “problems” where none exist… even when our wise adult knows better.

We unpack why calm can feel unsafe, why your body might confuse chaos with chemistry, and how to stop letting your old wiring drive the bus (without shaming yourself into a cortisol spiral).

• What nervous system dysregulation actually feels like (urgent, catastrophic, convincing)

• The “drama queen” twist: not stirring someone else’s pot… stirring your own

• How past intensity (relationships, workplace stress, chronic hypervigilance) can rewire your system

• Why we confuse intensity = depth = love (and how media trained us to do it)

• The neuroscience: when the limbic system fires, your prefrontal cortex goes offline

• “Humans prefer predictable pain over unfamiliar peace” (yep… that part)

• Why you need a safe person to “borrow” a prefrontal cortex when you’re activated

• The cost of intensity addiction: sabotaging good relationships, burnout, bad sleep, bad decisions

• The truth bomb: “Of course and no wonder” is healing… and you’re still responsible to repair

• Calm is a learned state (and you need reps to expand your capacity for safety)

• Take a break until your wise adult re-enters the building

• Longer exhales, slow movement, orienting, nature, feet on the floor, hand on heart

• Delay big conversations or decisions until you’re regulated

• Find a mantra that’s true enough to land in your body (not empty affirmation fluff)

• “Tell on yourself” without blaming: “My nervous system got activated—give me a minute.”

• “My system tried to prevent a future fall by creating a present problem.”

• “Calm feels like withdrawal when you’ve lived in chaos.”

• “Healing isn’t the absence of intensity—it’s holding intensity without letting it drive the bus.”

• “Peace doesn’t mean I disappear. It means I arrive.” 🔥

• Where does calm feel unfamiliar in your life?

• What do you tend to question the moment things go well—loyalty, interest, worthiness?

• What happens if you don’t act on the intensity for 24 hours?

• What “high-level significance” are you trying to get through urgency, anger, or drama?

Share it with the friend who spirals after a country song (no judgment, Erin 😅), or the one who confuses butterflies with nervous system activation.

And if you want to practice this work in real time with amazing humans…

📍 May 21–24 | Spring Lake Ranch | 100 Mile House, BC
Horseback riding, yoga, breathwork, campfires, two-stepping, laughter, and a program built to help you reawaken—without having to white-knuckle your way through life.

pamrader.com/gritandgrace

Next episode: the Cowboys ride in with Western wisdom + hilarious stories you don’t want to miss. 🤠🔥

This episode was inspired by a powerful conversation between Mel Robbins and Terry Real, whose work has deeply shaped how we understand relationships, conflict, and repair.

We took their brilliant insights and pulled them apart through our own lived experience — sharing real examples, honest reflections, and what this work actually looks like inside long-term relationships. From the pull of the adaptive child to the responsibility of the wise adult, we explore why harmony isn’t the goal — repair is.

Terry Real’s teachings have influenced so much of how we approach relational work, and this episode is both a reflection on his ideas and an invitation to practice them in real life — imperfectly, consciously, and with courage.

If you care about your relationships and want tools that actually work when things get hard, this one’s for you.

Join us at the Grit & Grace Retreat to explore this work in an embodied, grounded way — in community, in nature, and in real time

. https://pamrader.com/gritandgrace

Reasonable Is Just Fear in a Nice Outfit

In this episode of Grit & Grace, Pam Rader and Erin Payne dive into a conversation many of us didn’t realize we needed—the hidden cost of being “reasonable.”

You know the pendulum:

• On one end, emotional chaos and oversharing.

• On the other, being so calm, regulated, and “mature” that you quietly disappear.

Somewhere along the way, emotional regulation got confused with self-silencing.

Pam and Erin explore how many of us—especially thoughtful, self-aware people—use reasonableness as a socially acceptable way to:

• Avoid discomfort

• Keep the peace

• Stay liked

• Protect ourselves from judgment

…and how that choice slowly chips away at our confidence, desires, self-trust, and even our dreams.

This episode is an honest, funny, and deeply grounding exploration of what it actually means to live in alignment—not as an emotional disaster, and not as a spiritually bypassing saint, but as a human being willing to tell the truth kindly, clearly, and courageously.

• Why “being reasonable” is often fear in disguise

• How emotional regulation can turn into self-abandonment

• The difference between honesty and harshness

• Why calm doesn’t always equal peace

• How people-pleasing masquerades as maturity

• The missing communication skill that keeps us stuck at the extremes

• Why pursuing your desires may look unreasonable—but might be the most reasonable thing of all

• How expanding your capacity often requires doing the thing that makes you want to pee your pants

Pam and Erin also share personal reflections on career, identity, entrepreneurship, separation, and what it takes to choose an unreasonably alive life—rather than a merely acceptable one.

“If you do reasonable things, you’ll have a reasonable life.
If you do unreasonable things, you gain access to an unreasonably extraordinary one.”

Take a moment to reflect on where you’ve been:

• Staying quiet instead of speaking up

• Choosing comfort over truth

• Playing small to keep others comfortable

• Calling self-betrayal “emotional intelligence”

What might shift if you allowed yourself to redefine what reasonable really means?

Pam and Erin extend an invitation that might feel a little unreasonable—and very aligned:

The Grit & Grace Retreat
📍 Spring Lake Ranch, 100 Mile House, BC
🗓️ May 21–24

Four days of horses, yoga, campfires, deep conversations, laughter, and spaciousness—designed to help you reconnect with what matters and remember who you are when you stop performing for everyone else.

Sometimes the most unreasonable thing you can do…
is choose yourself.

If this episode resonated, please share it with someone who might need permission to stop being so reasonable.
It helps the show grow, and we’re grateful you’re here.

Until next time—
may you keep turning grit into grace.

As the year comes to a close and Christmas approaches, Pam Rader and Erin Payne invite you into an honest, compassionate conversation about forgiveness—not as a moral obligation, but as a pathway to freedom, peace, and reclaimed energy.

This episode is for anyone who has had a hard year—marked by endings, grief, disappointment, or emotional exhaustion—and is ready to stop carrying the weight of resentment into the new year.

Together, Pam and Erin explore:

• What forgiveness is (and what it definitely is not)

• Why resentment feels justified—but quietly drains our life force

• How forgiveness can coexist with anger, grief, and strong boundaries

• Why self-forgiveness is the foundation of forgiving others

• And how peace becomes non-negotiable once you’ve truly tasted it

Drawing on teachings from Baron Baptiste, Byron Katie, and Deepak Chopra, this episode offers both deep reflection and practical tools you can use immediately—especially during emotionally charged family gatherings and year-end transitions.

What if sadness, anger, doubt, and anxiety weren’t problems to fix—but teachers inviting us into deeper truth?

In this honest and timely conversation, Pam Rader and Erin Payne explore why our culture’s obsession with “being happy” often disconnects us from our humanity—and how so-called undesirable emotions can actually become portals for healing, clarity, and personal power.

As the holidays approach—a time that can amplify grief, stress, and emotional complexity—this episode offers grounded wisdom, nervous-system-based insights, and practical tools for working with your emotions instead of against them.

In this episode, we explore:

• Why “positive vibes only” can create shame around normal human emotions

• How unprocessed emotions get stored in the nervous system

• The emotional arc: why feelings must be allowed to complete

• Sadness, anger, doubt, jealousy, and fear as messengers—not mistakes

• Anger as a protector and boundary-setter (when integrated consciously)

• How focus, posture, and self-talk shape our emotional state

  • When emotions are asking to be felt—and when they’ve become habits

  • Why holding space (for ourselves and others) is sacred work

  Pam also shares a powerful yogic story that reminds us: darkness has always had a place in wisdom traditions—and it has something to teach us.

  This episode is an invitation to slow down, get curious, and ask a different question:
  What is this emotion here to show me?

  ✨ If you’re navigating the holidays with mixed emotions—or simply want a more compassionate relationship with yourself—this conversation will meet you right where you are.

  🔗 Learn more about upcoming Grit & Grace retreats and offerings at pamrader.com

In this rich and deeply human conversation, Pam and Erin sit down with Dr. Rebecca Reid—family physician, embodiment coach, and wise guide in the realms of healing, attachment, spirituality, and conscious relationship. Together, they explore what it truly takes to grow, to listen inwardly, and to show up for relationships as places of transformation.

This episode goes far beyond theory. It’s a heart-forward exploration of how our attachment styles influence our lives, how curiosity opens unexpected pathways for healing, and how we can soften into relationships—not as places to perform, but as sacred training grounds for becoming more whole.

You’ll hear Dr. Rebecca share vulnerably about her own journey of reconnecting with her intuition, navigating the unknown, and learning to trust the body as a compass. The conversation weaves attachment theory with spirituality, trauma-informed embodiment, psychedelic healing, and the profound empowerment that comes from taking responsibility for our own evolution.

If you’re navigating love, heartbreak, patterns that keep repeating, or the desire for deeper connection—with yourself or with a partner—this episode will meet you right where you are.

To find out more about Dr. Reid and her groundbreaking work, check out https://www.madeformiracles.ca/

To join us on our inaugural Grit and Grace Retreat, check out pamrader.com to get on our waitlist.

Big life shifts come with a thousand “firsts”—first holiday alone, first mortgage in your own name, first week without the kids, first date after years, first time setting a real boundary. In this raw, hopeful conversation, Pam and Erin unpack the messy middle of change and how to meet it with self-compassion, sovereignty, and a dash of courage.

We explore:

• Expanding capacity when life suddenly doubles your load (single parenting, finances, new roles)

• How grief and excitement can co-exist inside new rituals and seasons

• Dating after long relationships—meeting your light and shadow without losing yourself

• Security, nervous system wobble, and the pull to seek rescue vs. self-trust

• Creating boundaries that keep your peace in (not people out)—and surviving the backlash

• Autopilot vs. authorship: why “what I’ve always done” won’t take you anywhere new

• Speaking vulnerably as a form of self-love (and an antidote to isolation)

• Letting grit polish you into something more aligned, authentic, and free

Favorite ideas & one-liners:

• “Autopilot always takes you home—but never somewhere new.”

• “No souls are harmed in the making of your new life.”

• “What would love have me do right now?”

Try this:

• Name one “first” you’re in. What new ritual could honour it?

• Ask: If no one was watching, how would I create this moment?

• Write a boundary that keeps your peace in. Practice saying it kindly, once.

• Replace autopilot with authorship: choose one small, courageous action today.

Resources & next steps:

• Want support while you navigate your own season of firsts? Work with Pam 1:1 or join our community for coaching, practices, and weekly prompts.

• Get on the Grit & Grace Retreat waitlist for April 2026—come do this sacred work with Pam, Erin, and Brian (details via Pam’s socials @pamrader and website pamrader.com.

If this episode served you, follow the show, leave a review, and share it with someone who’s walking through their own firsts. Here’s to turning life’s grit into gold.

This week on Grit & Grace, the Cowboy rides in.

Pam sits down with Brian for a straight-talk conversation about masculine and feminine energy—minus the jargon and the rented Lamborghinis. What starts as a discussion about polarity quickly turns into something much more honest: how men and women can actually understand each other, communicate better, and meet in authenticity instead of blame.

From the old “protect and provide” script to the confusion modern men feel about being strong and soft, Brian brings a grounded, every-day voice to a topic that’s often over-theorized. His practical, good-humored “cowboy wisdom” balances Pam’s heart-led insight, giving listeners a fuller, more human perspective on how we can all show up—vulnerably, responsibly, and real.

Together they unpack:

• Why “roles” aren’t the problem—disconnection is

• What happens when women try to feel safe through control, and men try to love through protection

• How to listen without defensiveness and speak without blame

• Why communication—not polarity—is the real secret to healthy relationships

• The Cowboy’s take on what it means to “man up” without armouring up

This isn’t the polished “evolved male” narrative you see online—it’s something rarer: a real man, willing to get honest about confusion, softness, and what peace feels like on the other side of pretending.

If you’ve ever wondered what men are actually thinking, or how to make love feel less like keeping score and more like being seen, this episode is your invitation to slow down, drop the labels, and listen.

Want more grit-to-grace conversations (and maybe a campfire chat with the Cowboy)?
Join the Grit & Grace Retreat waitlist at pamrader.com