In this episode, Lilly breaks down why your feedback feels like criticism to your partner—even when you’re genuinely trying to help—and what you can do to shift that.

She explains the two reasons feedback lands like criticism: your conduct (the energy behind your words) and the absence of emotional safety in the relationship. She’ll walk you through the fear vs. love framework, redefine what “safety” actually means in a relationship, and give you a simple grounding tool to use before you walk through the door at the end of the workday.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

* Why your partner reacts to feedback like it’s criticism, even when you’re genuinely trying to help

* The two reasons feedback lands like criticism: conduct and absence of safety

* Why conduct (the energy behind your words) matters just as much as content (what you’re saying)

* The fear vs. love framework: words rooted in fear are repelled, words rooted in love are received

* What emotional safety actually means (and why it’s not just physical safety)

* How to tell if emotional safety is present in your relationship (the intimacy temperature check)

* Why feedback can’t land in a chronically activated relationship

* How to become the tuning fork for your family (vagal authority in your home)

* A simple grounding tool to use before you walk through the door at the end of the workday

Free Download:

Explode Shutdown Cycle Field Guide for LeadersIf you get home after work and find yourself exploding at the smallest things, then shutting down and withdrawing, this guide is for you.

Work with Lilly:

If you’re someone who explodes and then withdraws and shuts down, or you notice a lot of tension and turmoil in your home, reach out to Lilly. She’ll walk you through what nervous system work could do for your relationship.Email: [email protected]

In this episode, Lilly breaks down what chronic activation is, how you get stuck in it, and what you can do about it. She’ll explain why you might feel like you’re always on alert, always in danger, always one step away from everything falling apart. And she’ll give you one simple resourcing tool that can help you access safety in your nervous system.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

* What chronic activation is and why you’ve stopped noticing it

* How chronic activation is like being sleep-deprived—you adapt, but you’re still declining internally

* Why you feel like you’re always on alert, always in danger, always one step away from everything falling apart

* The difference between sympathetic charge (activation) and parasympathetic safety (rest, connection, intimacy)

* Why high-functioning men go from highly activated to completely shut down at the end of the day (dorsal vagal collapse)

* What resourcing is and how it helps your nervous system access safety

* A simple exercise you can do right now to downshift into safety

* Why resourcing alone won’t renegotiate the patterns keeping you stuck, and what will

Free Download:

Explode Shutdown Cycle Field Guide for LeadersIf you get home after work and find yourself exploding at the smallest things, then shutting down and withdrawing, this guide is for you.

https://lillyrachels.myflodesk.com/fieldguide

Book a Call with Lilly:

If you’re interested in working directly with your nervous system to renegotiate the patterns keeping you in chronic activation, book a call with Lilly. She’ll walk you through polyvagal theory and explore what’s going on in your individual system and if nervous system work will help you.

https://calendar.app.google/dDeTxAJfjCZQLnzS7

In this episode, Lilly breaks down the Explode Shutdown Cycle: chronic activation → trigger → explosion → guilt → shutdown → repeat.

She’ll explain why willpower and communication skills can’t fix this, and what actually works: training your nervous system to expand capacity and move fluidly between activation and safety.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

* What the Explode Shutdown Cycle is and why it keeps repeating

* The nervous system science behind chronic activation, explosion, guilt, and shutdown

* Why you’re a “high-functioning survivalist” (like a high-functioning alcoholic—you keep it together, but at a cost)

* Why willpower and communication skills can’t fix a maxed-out nervous system

* The difference between sympathetic overdrive (activation) and ventral vagal (safety, connection, rest)

* Why small triggers at home (mess, requests, interruptions) feel like threats when you’re already maxed out

* How to train your nervous system to expand capacity and stay present under pressure

* The three phases to break the cycle (outlined in the free field guide)

* Why this is not a personality flaw—it’s a trainable nervous system response

Free Download:

Explode Shutdown Cycle Field GuideVisual diagram + 3 phases to break the cycle.https://lillyrachels.myflodesk.com/fieldguide

Connect with Lilly:

* Work 1:1: [email protected]

* Website: lillyrachels.com

You’re keeping your partner at arm’s length.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Looking for proof they’ll leave.

It’s not them. It’s your fear of rejection putting a force field around you that love can’t get through.

In this episode, Lilly breaks down the fear of rejection, why it shows up in relationships, and how it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. She walks you through the difference between real fear (evidence in THIS relationship) and imagined fear (ghosts from your past), and gives you a powerful reframe for building self-trust.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

* What the fear of rejection actually includes (fear of judgment, abandonment, not being good enough)

* Why this fear starts in childhood and shows up in your adult relationships

* How your brain looks for proof of what you already believe (and creates self-sabotage)

* Why keeping someone at arm’s length guarantees they’ll eventually leave

* The difference between real fear and imagined fear (and how to tell which one you’re dealing with)

* How to know if your fear is based on evidence in THIS relationship or trauma from the past

* Why “I am worthy of love” doesn’t work (and what to say instead)

Connect with Lilly:

* Book a Free Call with Lilly

* Website: lillyrachels.com

FREE CLASS JAN 27: At Ease: Why You Can’t Relax At Home

Save Your Seat

You’re crushing it at work. Managing teams. Solving problems. Making decisions under pressure.

But when you get home? You can’t turn it off.

Your wife wants to talk and it feels like a chore. Your kids annoy you because you can’t focus. You get into bed and your mind races through tomorrow’s to-do list.

There’s no exhale. No downshift. Just chronic activation.

In this episode, Lilly breaks down vagal authority, a leadership concept from polyvagal theory that explains why some leaders command a room through groundedness rather than intimidation. She walks you through your nervous system, explains chronic activation, and gives you a practice you can try right now to start building flexibility in your system.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

* What vagal authority is and why it’s the new frontier of leadership

* The difference between sympathetic (go mode) and parasympathetic (rest mode) nervous systems

* What chronic activation feels like (and why you can’t relax at home)

* Why being the grounded person in the room is more powerful than being the loudest

* How your nervous system becomes the tuning fork for everyone around you

* A simple grounding practice to access safety in your body

* What it means to “surf through your day” instead of constantly spiking and crashing

Connect with Lilly:

* Free class January 27th: Why You Can’t Relax at Home (Even If Nothing is Wrong) - https://stan.store/lillyrachels/p/why-you-cant-relax-at-home

* Work 1:1: [email protected]

* Website: www.lillyrachels.com

FREE MASTERCLASS: Why You Can’t Relax At Home (Even When Nothing Is Wrong): JOIN FOR FREE

If you’ve tried talk therapy, read the books, and still find yourself exploding over small things or shutting down during conflict, this episode is for you.

Today I’m sharing a client success story that shows exactly why nervous system work is more effective than traditional talk therapy, especially for men. You’ll hear how Dan (not his real name) went from explosive anger with his wife and PTSD triggers at work to staying calm, present, and connected, in just a few weeks.

This isn’t about talking through your problems for months. This is about working with what’s happening in your body so you can move through triggers without being derailed by them.

If you’re stuck in chronic stress, hypervigilance, or explosive reactions, this episode will show you what’s possible.

What You’ll Learn:

* Why Dan’s explosive anger wasn’t a character flaw, it was a nervous system pattern

* How childhood trauma and military PTSD were connected to his present-day reactions

* Why talk therapy often re-traumatizes people (and how nervous system work is different)

* What it means to expand your window of tolerance so triggers don’t blow you offline

* Why fights with your partner are never just about the present moment

Join the Free Masterclass: If you struggle with chronic stress, hypervigilance, explosive reactions, or shutdown during conflict, this class is for you. Learn what’s happening in your nervous system and how to move through it.

👉 [Register here: January 26th - Free]

New year, new relationship standards. In this episode, Lilly breaks down the five things that need to go and the five things that need to stay in your relationship for 2026.

We’re ditching the defensive apologies, the unrealistic expectations, and the passive-aggressive pet names. And we’re leaning into repair as a one-way street, friction as your growth edge, and building a flexible nervous system that can handle real connection.

This isn’t about perfection. It’s about doing the real work in 2026.

What You’ll Learn:

* Why labeling your partner as “avoidant” or “narcissist” is sabotaging your relationship

* The truth about expecting your partner to meet all your needs (spoiler: they can’t)

* Why band-aid fixes don’t work—and what root cause work actually looks like

* How to apologize without making excuses or rationalizing your behavior

* What “repair as a one-way street” means and why it changes everything

* How to reframe relationship friction as your growth edge

* The difference between nervous system regulation and a flexible nervous system

* Why men and women need to be on the same team in 2026

Key Takeaways:

* An apology is simple: “I’m sorry for this.” No excuses, no rationalization.

* Repair is a one-way street—deal with one problem at a time.

* Your partner is a mirror showing you where you need to grow.

* Flexibility in your nervous system is more important than always being “zen.”

* Stop pitting men and women against each other—we all rise together.

Connect with Lilly:

* Work with Lilly 1-on-1: [Book a consultation call]

You shut down. You go silent. You walk away.

You think you’re protecting yourself. But you’re actually killing your connection.

In this final episode of the 5-part series on losing strategies, Lilly breaks down withdrawal, the pattern she’s struggled with most. She explains the difference between withdrawal and taking a responsible timeout, why your nervous system goes into freeze or flight, and how to build your capacity to stay in the room when conflict gets hard.

This is Part 5 (the final episode) of a 5-part series on the losing strategies that sabotage your relationship and how to interrupt the cycle.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

* What withdrawal really is (physically or emotionally leaving from resignation or retaliation)

* The difference between withdrawal and taking a responsible timeout

* What withdrawal looks like

* Why your nervous system goes into freeze or flight during conflict

* Why withdrawal is one of the most destructive patterns in relationships

* How to recognize when you’re about to withdraw (awareness of your body’s signals)

* How to take a responsible timeout

* How to ground yourself during a timeout

* Why you need to build capacity to stay in the uncomfortable

* The one question that changes everything

Connect with Lilly:

* Work 1:1 with Lilly: [email protected]

* Book a free call: https://calendar.app.google/HEj4hbVcy1u8eToF9

You got hurt. So you hurt them back.

You think you’re standing up for yourself. You think you’re evening the score. But really? You’re just creating more pain.

In this episode, Lilly breaks down the fourth of five losing strategies that keep you stuck in the same conflicts: retaliation. She explains what Terry Real calls “offending from the victim position,” why your nervous system wants payback, and how to stand up for yourself without tearing your partner down.

This is Part 4 of a 5-part series on the losing strategies that sabotage your relationship and how to interrupt the cycle.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

* What retaliation really is (offending from the victim position)

* The difference between overt retaliation (direct attacks) and covert retaliation (passive-aggressive punishment)

* Why your nervous system wants to make them feel what you feel

* What victim mentality has to do with retaliation

* Two powerful questions: What do you get out of being the victim? What do you get to avoid?

* The real cost: Creates a cycle of payback, prevents repair, erodes trust

* Why retaliation feels justified but destroys connection

* How to recognize when you’re in retaliation mode

* How to name the hurt directly instead of punishing them

* How to stand up for yourself with love (not vengeance)

* How to let go of the scorecard and ask for what you need

* The one question that changes everything: “Am I trying to hurt them back, or am I trying to repair this?”

Connect with Lilly:

* Work 1:1 with Lilly: [email protected]

* Website: www.growthovereasy.com

You think you’re just being honest. You’re actually overwhelming your partner.

You’ve been holding it in all day. All week. Then it explodes. You say everything. You let it all out. And your partner shuts down, gets defensive, or walks away.

In this episode, Lilly breaks down the third of five losing strategies that keep you stuck in the same conflicts: unbridled self-expression. She explains what Terry Real calls “the barf bag approach to intimacy,” why your nervous system floods, and how to express yourself without creating emotional debris.

This is Part 3 of a 5-part series on the losing strategies that sabotage your relationship and how to interrupt the cycle.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

* What unbridled self-expression really is (the “barf bag approach”)

* Why “being honest” without consideration destroys connection

* What’s happening in your nervous system when you’re flooded

* The difference between expressing emotion and emotional dumping

* Why your partner can’t hear you when you’re venting without filter

* How “always” and “never” statements shut down conversation

* The real cost of prioritizing discharge over connection

* How to recognize when you’re flooded (outside your window of tolerance)

* How to take a responsible time out (15 minutes, then come back)

* The 7-10 whys exercise to get specific instead of generalizing

* Terry Real’s Feedback Wheel: What I saw, Story I made up, How I feel, What I’d like

* The one question that changes everything: “Am I saying this to be heard, or am I saying this to release?”

Connect with Lilly:

* Work 1:1 with Lilly: [email protected]

* Website: lillyrachels.com