In our long history, humans have created many companions: Tamagotchi, Roomba, Zune, Shake Weight… but no artificial companion will ever replace Man’s Best Friend. Dogs are the quintessential domestic animal that have been with us from nomadic to cave to agricultural to modern life. And as such, they are perhaps our greatest and final connection to our animal nature. Thence, occasionally, nature calls.

In our futuristic nuclear-powered metropolises we discrete our shame down drains and sewers in the dark bowels underneath our monoliths, but the dog does not. The dog forces us outside for it’s business, displaying its duty for all the public to see. Yet nature has no place here… and so Dog’s Best Friend now kneels, bowing to the unnatural world we’ve built, and bags it up.

But what if nobody is looking? What if its inconvenient? What if its raining? Surely that counts as cleaning… right?

Join Veronique and Mat as we relieve ourselves of this mess and flush away the Rainy Day Dog Poop.

*Grumbles are specifically off-the-cuff, no research went into this grumble.

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Since time immemorial, humankind has celebrated the athlete. There is a primal sense of combat in sport which allows us to release our more aggressive urges vicariously from the comfort of an armchair by cheering for our favorite athletes. We raise our gridiron competitors to divine levels of heroes. The Flash is a runner, Hawk-Eye is an archer, Superman is a high-jumper that can leap tall buildings in a single bound. And, of course, there is the pinnacle of American athleticism: the bowler. With all the grace of a mighty rhinoceros, the bowler charges forward and heaves his burdensome stone toward his tenfold enemies. It is no wonder we entertain ourselves in emulating these champions of the alley. But, as with all imitations, the amateur forgery is weak. Details get lost and minor elements are neglected. Would Batman go into battle without buckling his utility belt? Would Frozone duel without donning his Super Suit? Then why would anyone try to bowl without lubricating the lanes? Join Mat & Veronique as we rent some gumshoes and strike out at Unwaxed Bowling Lanes.

*Grumbles are specifically off-the-cuff, no research went into this grumble.

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Guest grumbler: Molly Densmore

The dawn of civilization – the moment humanity ascended above all other animals as the one true ruler of Earth – was when Humankind harnessed the power of fire. Ever after tasting the elemental mana of the gods, humans have insatiably quested for even more. With the maniacal focus of Tim the-Tool-Man-Taylor we yearn for more power. The wheel became the steam engine, and then the combustible engine. Slap two wheels on a two-cylinder engine and you’ve got a Deus-ex-Machina stallion that spits in the face of all creation. There is no power more raw than straddling a controlled-explosive right between your legs and throttling that engine. Hear the low, rumbling fury of the motorcycle, the bellow of the ancestral yearning of the Neanderthal inside. Or put in your earplugs because its just noisy. Join Mat, Veronique, and Guest – Molly Densmore – as we straddle the line between nuisance – and sensuous – motorcycles.

*Grumbles are specifically off-the-cuff, no research went into this grumble.

Help support the show! Patreon.com/GrumbleGoat

Follow Molly on Instagram: Dolly Mensmore

Or learn about Molly at: mollydensmore.com

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Life relies on certain elemental replenishments. There is Oxygen – tasteless, odorless, monotonous air. There is water – which we’ve all but replaced with Caramel Mochas or Mountain Dew. And then there is food. Food is such a rich world of abundant creations. Food is an art form – it is an identity – it is the traditions that are passed down through generations. From my Grandmother’s famous rhubarb pie to my mother’s handy Hamburger Helper, food is the artistic mosaic of all our heritage blended into a Kraft casserole of love. And now, with the internet as our guide, we can explore other peoples’ recipes. Taste other histories and heritages. Experience other peoples’ grocery endeavors and memories of cats eating the filling out of the pie that hadn’t cooled yet. Feel the difficulties they had with the blender that was supposed to have an extended warranty, but when they brought it to the store the clerk was slightly rude, so they wanted to make this stew to cheer themselves up but the potatoes have to be mashed by hand. Finding recipes online these days has transformed into wading through mundane journals of mental health exercises. Join Mat, Veronique, and Guest – Mark Jackson – as we L’eggo our ego, and separate the egg-white from the joke that is – Online Recipes.

*Grumbles are specifically off-the-cuff, no research went into this grumble.

Help support the show! Patreon.com/GrumbleGoat

Follow Mark on Instagram

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Guest grumbler: Mary Elise Jones

One of the most primal and eternal conflicts in the universe is the everlasting battle between hot and cold. It is the chaos of the Big Bang, the massive energy of white dwarfs against the singularity of black holes. George R.R. Martin’s epic story of ‘A Song of Ice and Fire’ is that same struggle, as is Toklien’s calm Hobbits vs. the fires of Mount Doom. Elsa set off a blizzard in summer and Darth Vader was forged in the roiling volcanoes of Mustafar. The same epic battle of extreme temperature is also played out in every corner Starbucks each time a customer places an order. Hot or cold. Coffee is hot, but iced-coffee has been tempered. Tea is hot, or not. Lattes are made with steamed milk, unless iced. The singularity of madness, though, is the cappuccino. Like the One Ring, the milk of cappuccino must be cast in the fire. Heat and steam make the froth, while ice destroys its fragile integrity. Join Mat, Veronique, and guest – Mary Elise Jones – as we froth and steam and pour over an iced crap-puccino.

*Grumbles are specifically off-the-cuff, no research went into this grumble.

Help support the show! Patreon.com/GrumbleGoat

Check out Mary Elise on Instagram

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The automobile has revolutionized human civilization in countless ways: drive-ins, drive-throughs, drive-ways, parking garages, walk-signals, etc. Cars far outnumber humans in this world; and considering their speed and weight, they must be strictly regulated, less they become dangerous. Stop signs, stop lights, lane markers, and one-ways signs became the standard for all our roads. The cars grew so numerous that we had to add a walk-signal; meaning vehicles are so dangerous that pedestrians now needed permission to use an intersection. After altering every aspect of how we use our common space – to make way for the cancerous growth of cars – we then retroactively applied all the safety laws for cars onto everything else. Pedestrian, horse, cart, stick-ball, unicycle, or bicycle. A license is not required to ride a bicycle. You don’t even need to know the Rules of the Road to ride a bicycle… but you are subject to them. Strap on your legally-mandated helmet as Mat and Veronique cower to the side of the road from the loud and angry flow of Bicycle Laws.

*Grumbles are specifically off-the-cuff, no research went into this grumble.

Help support the show! Patreon.com/GrumbleGoat

For more information or to comment: matlabotka.com/grumblegoat

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Guest grumbler: Patricia McCarthy

Through the long eons of life on this planet, evolution has sculpted the most efficient, perfect forms for the animals that grace the Earth. The human body is arguably the greatest of all Mother Earth’s children: elegant, lean, dexterous, and intelligent; yet arrogant. We look down at our forms and think: bland. We must add clothes. Pretty clothes. What then? We developed dyes, precious metals, stones, piercings, anything to bedazzle our bland uniformity. But once every inch of us is adorned, we sneak trappings anywhere we can. Shoes obviously make sense. Socks, great, protection from clunky footwear. But am I really expressing enough of my personality if my hidden foot-fingers remain ringless? Is the fungus between our toes not accessory enough? When do trappings become real traps? Join Mat, Veronique, and Guest – Patricia McCarthy – as we unclasp the iron manacles from our little piggies and go wee wee wee all the way home.

*Grumbles are specifically off-the-cuff, no research went into this grumble.

Help support the show! Patreon.com/GrumbleGoat

Learn more about Patricia on: Twitter

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Guest Grumbler: Corey Thompson

Previous to the internet age, information sharing across the globe was logistically improbably. Ergo, as civilizations developed in different corners of the Earth, complex systems evolved in different forms – like language, or religion. Fortunately for the rise of globalization, numbers were always the same. If you have 1 apple, and someone gives you 1 apple, you now have 2 apples – anywhere on Earth. Unless it’s 2 dozen apples. Or if it’s 2 pounds of apples. If it’s 2 gallons of apples, that’s actually seven and a half liters. Or, maybe it’s 2 bushels of apples, that’d be seven decaliters of apples. If the apples are still on trees, you might have 2 acres of apples. And that’s a ton of apples – which is a tenth larger than a tonne of apples. While math may be universal, our toolboxes became a labyrinth of mismatched units. Forget Phillips screws and Allan wrenches, I don’t even know which side of the ruler to use. Join Mat, Veronique, and Guest – Corey Thompson, as we measure our patience in centi-grumbles.

*Grumbles are specifically off-the-cuff, no research went into this grumble.

Help support the show! Patreon.com/GrumbleGoat

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The post Measuring Things appeared first on Mat Labotka.

The billions of cells that make up our bodies all require oxygen. Evolution has provided a streamlined solution to this crucial need: the circulatory system. This is your heartbeat, your pulse, your rhythm. With or without your consideration, this system keeps you alive all day and all night. You need never think on it; until it stops.

Just beneath the surface of New York City is another circulatory system. A vital series of arteries which are crucial to the functioning of the city. Except this one has no heart. It is a soulless depth into which New York throws its frustration and hate. Without gratitude, it keeps the city alive all day and all night. Join Mat and Veronique as we unclog the cholesterol of blame and defribrillate some subway love.

*Grumbles are specifically off-the-cuff, no research went into this grumble.

Help support the show! Patreon.com/GrumbleGoat

For more information or to comment: matlabotka.com/grumblegoat

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The post Subway Hate appeared first on Mat Labotka.

The internet has reversed the erstwhile stream of entertainment. Content used to flow down to the masses from elite studios; and the peons sucked what enjoyment they could out of corporate-sifted films, books, or radio. Now, with the world wide web, every soul with an IP address is a content creator. Youtube and TikTok put you in the director’s chair to broadcast whatever type of videos you want. Tumblr and Twitter publish every author with two thumbs on a global scale. And podcasting… no longer do you need a dusty CB radio and a pocket protector to play at radio-production. Anyone with breath in their lungs is now a shock jock slammin’ at ya with their hype man, Psycho Eddie, now commercial-free for the afternoon Road Craze! Except, when everyone is a director… there’s nobody left to edit. Join Mat & Veronique on the immaculately clean cutting-room floor as we [edited for time].

*Grumbles are specifically off-the-cuff, no research went into this grumble.

For more information or to comment: matlabotka.com/grumblegoat

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Hear Veronique’s interview with Bill Janisse on Hey Gurl

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The post Lengthy Podcasts appeared first on Mat Labotka.