Since time immemorial, humanity has looked to its elders for sage wisdom. Crows feet carry more respect than an Ivy League varsity jacket. Uncle Iroh was a short-sighted warmonger before he wizened into the tranquil mentor of the banished Zuko. Gandalf was 2000 years old when he refused the ring of power, but a younger wizard wouldn’t have had the integrity. Age is a symbol of status, but it can also be abruptly robbed from you. Time and experience cannot be undone, yet; but it can be stolen with the misallocation of infantilizing pronouns. Join Mat, Veronique, and Guest – Robin Gilmartin – in the story circle, sitting criss-cross-apple-sauce, as we throw a tantrum over Calling Women ‘Girl.’

*Grumbles are specifically off-the-cuff, no research went into this grumble.

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A home is a sacred concept. A healthy mind requires a safe haven that we can call our own. The very idea of violating that space haunts us in the night. Is there a demon under the bed? A monster could be hiding in the closet. What was that sound downstairs? Any number of things might intrude the psychological comfort of home, but none so much as the greatest bogeyperson of all. There exists in our collective lore a creature that steals our snacks in the night; a being that creates messes in the sink and never cleans them; a terror that leaves toenail clippings on the dinner table! Join Mat and Veronique for an emergency house meeting as we confront… the Roommates!

*Grumbles are specifically off-the-cuff, no research went into this grumble.

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The digital age has changed the way humankind interacts with the world. The sun is a convenient light source, but no longer do we rise and rest with its rise and set. The need to care for livestock has been replaced by the convenience of Lunchables. Human emotion has been handed over to the Netflix recommendation algorithm. And attending to the needs of affection has been delegated to the corporate seasonal ad campaigns. Flowers and chocolate on the television triggers the Rube Goldberg machina in the what’s left of the average-married-man’s skull cavity to purchase some partially decayed flora and a folded piece of pink cardboard for his house partner. Love successfully transmitted, he may now return to his previously scheduled programming. Eavesdrop in on Veronique and Mat as we acknowledge the appropriate level of affection for Valentine’s Day.

*Grumbles are specifically off-the-cuff, no research went into this grumble.

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There is, in humankind, an innate desire for exploration. We long to see what’s just over the horizon. We turn to the television to show us what Real Housewives might be doin in Miami. Instagram helps us peek through the eyes of what the Kardashians might be seeing. But it is not enough. We suffer a wanderlust. Even Belle, who loves to escape through books, wants adventure in the great, wide somewhere. And so we travel. We have our own little journeys; to Dollywood, or maybe the Mall of America. But it’s a dangerous business, going out your door. You don’t have your slippers. The tv remote is laid out funny. Who controls the thermostat? Join Mat & Veronique, underneath that same big sky, despite the torture of Being Away.

*Grumbles are specifically off-the-cuff, no research went into this grumble.

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Ownership is something that humankind takes very seriously. For real estate we have deeds. For vehicles we have titles. For goods we have receipts. But some things have no entity of origin other than the sweet, nurturing Earth. If a man digs something up out of the ground, does he not own it? This premise was the basis of the California Gold Rush. Texas had an oil boom of the same nature. And Chicago has developed its own cultural laws of digging appropriation: Dibs. In the frigid heart of the Windy City’s dark and terrible winter, snow suffocates the congested arteries of Chicago’s streets. If a man suffers the exhaustion of shoveling his automobile out of the Alpine mountain of frozen water, does he not own that parking space? Join Mat, Veronique, and Guest: Orlando Lara, as we mark our claim with a folding chair, declaring: Dibs – Chicago Style.

*Grumbles are specifically off-the-cuff, no research went into this grumble.

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Of the many types of conflict humanity faces, the supreme first-world conflict of the modern age is Man vs. Boredom. The late 20th Century saw many entertainment advances, like the Skip-It, the Slap Bracelet, and the Nintendo Power Glove; but the main rhythm of the day was set to the TV Guide and the era of Must-See-TV. Now, in the 21st Century, a different, discordant rhythm has taken over our boredom: algo-rhythms. Television of the past might have been annoying when nothing was on, but now that everything is on, on-demand, the algorithms get annoyed by us. Join Mat & Veronique as we untangle the wireless cobwebs of Streaming Algorithms.

*Grumbles are specifically off-the-cuff, no research went into this grumble.

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In ages past, on a cold and drizzly night, weary travelers might have boarded their horses and themselves at a roadside tavern for the night. The room was simple and the fare left something to be desired. You had two options: eat what’s in the kettle, or don’t eat. In modern times, fast food was fomented from the same simplicity. Burger, fries, next! But the post-modern, customer-always-right, narcissistic addiction to ‘choice,’ has forced fast-food restaurants to multiply menu options like tribbles in Spring. With menus rivalling the word-count of Terms-of-Service contracts, the choice is either libraries of microfiche or episodic mini-menus on television screens. Join Mat & Veronique as we decipher the epileptic flashes of Fast Food Menus.

*Grumbles are specifically off-the-cuff, no research went into this grumble.

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Humanity has always longed to peek into the future. Soothsayers and shamans have long bilked the laymen with promises of hazy glimpses into tomorrow. Today we have memes comforting us with vague nonsense about this being the year of you. Always we hope for a better future, a tomorrow where we are stronger, more fulfilled, reaching goals, living our potential. But there is one day each year where we actually move into the future. We awake into that new potential, we step into the next phase, we arrive at that new year … hung over. Join Mat & Veronique as our future selves reach for the aspirin and think of tomorrow, because there is no memory of New Year’s Eve.

*Grumbles are specifically off-the-cuff, no research went into this grumble.

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Back by popular demand! Veronique wants to share her favorite episode this week! From last Winter:

The Winter Solstice approacheth. While the days grow shorter, we begin preparations for a long winter with everybody’s favorite, age-old, traditional celebration: complaining about Christmas music. What a magical duality this holiday has gifted us! All of us feel a moral superiority over the consumeristic greed, yet we are all indentured to it’s stranglehold over expectations and expectancy. And somehow, Thanksgiving is the first casualty in the melee. Hark your heralds, Mat and Veronique, as the Grumble Goat becomes the Grinch.

*Grumbles are specifically off-the-cuff, no research went into this grumble.

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Evolution has blessed humankind with innumerable cheat-codes for domination over nature. Not least of which is the power of complex communication. We can have a distinct word for every specific thing. Including each other. While every dog calls every other dog Woof, humanity can call each other by their specific word. But now that word is personal. Our name. While a rose by any other name smells as sweet, a person by another name is soured. How much leeway can we allow someone to mistake our name? What is the appropriate level of offense to mount in the defense of our identity? Join Mark and Veronica as we call each other Bud and Sweetie in an effort to avoid Mispronouncing Names.

*Grumbles are specifically off-the-cuff, no research went into this grumble.

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