When you got married, did you have a basic outline of what marriage was supposed to look like?

I did. And for a long time, that outline felt like a kind of safety net.

But eventually, a safety net can become a cage.

What if the goal isn’t to get marriage RIGHT, but rather to stay engaged with what your marriage is becoming? To keep discovering who you are becoming and who your sweetheart is becoming.

To notice when the old agreement no longer fits and get curious about what might fit now?

Ramona asks a question in her newest book: Where is the energy? What is alive here now?

That question can change everything.

Instead of: you were supposed to…

Try:

• What is exciting to each of us now?
• What’s most intriguing to me now?
• How can we make room for what’s true for both of us?

After decades of marriage, questions like these led me to see that every struggle, every change, every surprise, every ordinary Tuesday morning became part of our shared story.

Has your marriage become something you couldn’t possibly have outlined in the beginning? Maybe that’s the point.

Your happily ever after isn’t a destination. It’s your willingness to keep discovering the relationship you’re actually in.

This is one of the ideas I loved most when I got to talk with writer Ramona Ausubel, author of The Last Animal, No One Is Here Except All of Us, and her newest book: Unstuck: 101 Doorways Leading From the Blank Page to the Last Page.

Connect with my guest

Visit Ramona's website here.

Connect on social media here.

Want more?

• Listen to Ramona Ausubel’s interview on the Emerging Form Podcast. If you enjoy that, Christie Aschwanden and Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer also interviewed me on the same show.

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Do you have a place where you rehearse how dreadful your partner is?

For me it was the kitchen sink. I stood at that sink and this was my litany while I washed dishes. “Here I am. Alone again. Cinderella. I’m the only one who cleans this kitchen.”

We all do it, right? Poor me. My life sucks. Everyone else has it better.

And we want to blame someone for our sucky life.

If you are like me and everyone else I know, the easiest person to blame is your partner.

Today we’ll focus on those moments you’re likely to be critical of your partner.

1. We’ll discuss how your Kitchen Sink Voice turns an ordinary complaint into a courtroom where your partner is always the defendant.
2. We’ll address how curiosity can interrupt the blame-shame cycle you might have when criticism shows up and how curiosity can allow you to discover what you’re actually feeling in your body which wakes up your compassion—for yourself and your partner.
3. These three C’s—criticism > curiosity > and compassion can become a practice for you to transform the way you think, and thus the way you connect to your partner.

Habit for Your Happily Ever After

This week’s habit for your happily ever after is to identify where your Kitchen Sink Voice lives. We all have one. When you can find your Kitchen Sink Voice, you’re able to begin to practice with the 3 C’s: criticism > curiosity > compassion.

Date Night Discussion

• Tell your partner about your Kitchen Sink Voice.
• Ask your partner if they have a Kitchen Sink Voice.
• If you were able to find your equivalent for my Brown Grass Voice, how would the story change?

Want more?

• The single most important habit for your marriage

Links I Mention

• The Lizard Brain

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What happens when you feel your feelings?

You don’t get stuck. You don’t get stuck in bitterness, resentment, shame, or a host of other negative places where I see people stall out or begin to push their partner away.

Today I talk to the mother of Nicholas Rizzo who died of an opioid overdose. I wanted you to hear from Katie Rizzo, Nicholas’s mother so you can have a deeper understanding of the family life of an addict.

• Katie reminds us that addiction is a family disease: The whole family suffers.
• I wanted you to hear how Katie is gentle with herself, her husband, and her two surviving sons, Max and Joey.
• Because you’ll never regret choosing love.

Connect with Katie Rizzo

Katie Rizzo has a new book coming in October: The Trimesters of Grief. You can preorder her book here.

Note: Today's episode is much longer than my typical episodes. But, for understandable reasons, the topic needed the extra time. I wanted to include you in the entire conversation I had with Katie.

Want more like this?

Have you heard this interview with Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer? Her son died by suicide. Rosemerry and I know each other well. She offers another way to choose love in the midst of the most difficult circumstances.

Are you dealing with grief right now? Here is an episode that offers 2 practical tools I've used in my own life and I've offered to my clients.

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Today I talk to Rick and Clancy Denton who are relatively new to the empty nest phase of life and have some great ideas to offer much younger couples to keep your relationship fresh and vital.

1. You’ll hear how your identity can change through the lifetime of your marriage, and how that will impact your relationship
2. You’ll hear why Rick believes that a happier couple makes for happier parenting
3. And we’ll offer you a habit to create your own relationship Olympics

Date Night Discussion

Inspired by watching the summer Olympics of 2024, my guests, Rick and Clancy Denton, decided to create their own events, participate, and judge themselves on a variety of events.

If you and your sweetheart were to create The Relationship Olympics for your relationship, what events would you want to have? What events would you and your sweetheart medal in?

Connect with Rick and Clancy Denton

With their two young adult kids out of the house, Rick and Clancy Denton are empty nesters and they’re embracing life as a couple again. They have a brand new book available: The Loud Quiet: Love, Laughter and Life in the Empty Nest. Rick and Clancy also host a podcast: The Loud Quiet.

Want more?

• Read or listen to How to Make a New Friend as an Adult

Connect to Improve Your Relationship Communication

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Ever notice how easy it is to put yourself at the bottom of your own list?

• You tell yourself you'll rest when the laundry is done.
• You'll pursue that hobby when the kids are older.
• You'll make your doctor's appointment after everyone else's needs are met.

Little by little, you disappear.

Not because anyone asked you to, but because somewhere along the way, your domestic productivity became tangled up with your worth. Your ability to feed everyone, keep things clean, and the trains running on time ran right over you. The YOU inside your days disappears in a mountain of to-do's.

Today my guest is Monica Packer, author of the soon-to-be-released book Sticky Habits: A Woman’s Guide to Reclaim Happiness, Ditch Perfectionism, and Create Habits that Last.

I'm so thrilled to bring you this conversation with Monica, because you're going to hear about how she tries to avoid martyrdom, feeling invisible, and overwhelmed in her home by focusing on progress rather than perfection.

Connect with my guest

Monica Packer is the mother of 5 children and the author of the soon-to-be-released book Sticky Habits: A Woman’s Guide to Reclaim Happiness, Ditch Perfectionism, and Create Habits that Last. She is also the host of the top-rated podcast About Progress.

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How do you take a vacation that sparks tons of joy?

Today we’re talking about vacations and my 3-part framework: Partner, Lover, Friend.

• We’ll focus on The Lover in your relationship and how to increase connection by playing more and maximizing your fun
• We’ll talk about the unique quality of The Lover: Focus on yourself and what you want
• And I’ll give you 4 questions to discover the secret formula to play more while you’re on vacation.

Date Night Discussion

Here’s 4 questions to discuss as Lovers who vacation together:

• When am I likely to be resentful of your happiness and what do I need to do to stay in my own business and make myself happy?
• When am I likely to have no opinion of my own and rely on you to make me happy?
• When am I likely to get lost in my own happiness and leave all the responsibility for details in your lap? And how can I get ahead of that?
• When have I made the best of a bad situation in the past and how can I harvest that energy to do it again?

Want more?

• Do you remember my number one rule for your happily ever after? Stay in your own business.

Connect to Improve Your Relationship Communication

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The Lover in your relationship craves adventure.

The Lover is part of my 3-part framework: Partner, Lover, Friend. These are the three roles I’ve identified in your singular romantic relationship. I’m out of town on vacation, so I’m bringing you an episode from my archives where I talk about The Lover.

• You’ll hear a story about a romance that was dead and was resuscitated
• You’ll get an adventurous habit
• And I’ll give you a date night discussion topic so you and your lover can explore ways to tend the fire between you.

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Vacations are full of details: reservations, travel, and adventure. How do you share the load of logistics when it comes to vacationing with your Partner?

Today we’re talking about vacations and my 3-part framework: Partner, Lover, Friend

1. Today we’ll focus on The Partner in your relationship and how to plan a great vacation and rock your to-do lists
2. We’ll talk about the skills of The Partner: Leading and Following
3. And I’ll give you 3 questions to open up a conversation that supports planning with your sweetheart so you create ease and reduce conflict

Date Night Discussion

Here’s 3 questions to explore as Partners who vacation together:

• Let’s get really clear about what we’re doing on vacation. How do you see the rhythm of each day going? (Setting these clear expectations will make a world of difference while you’re on your vacation.)
• Let’s get clear: Who is doing what?
• How do we want to handle money? Shall we have a budget? Shall we save enough to go wild?

Connect to Improve Your Relationship Communication

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The Partner in your relationship loves to get stuff done.

Who is that “Partner?” you’re asking. I’m talking about my 3-part framework: Partner, Lover, Friend. These are the three roles I’ve identified in your singular romantic relationship. I’m out of town on vacation, so I’m bringing you an episode from my archives where I talk about The Partner.

• You’ll hear about the deep intimacy The Partner can create in your relationship from a widow who misses the smell of toast her sweetheart used to make for her every day.
• You’ll hear about a stuck period of my life when I had trouble shaking The Partner role and the damage that did to my marriage.
• You’ll hear why The Partner and The Lover are often at odds, but also why The Partner and The Lover provide the exact balance that the most intimate couples share.

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Dreaming is a vulnerable thing to do. And dreaming with your sweetheart? Doubly vulnerable. So how can you feel good dreaming about great vacations to take together?

Today we’re talking about vacations and my 3-part framework: Partner, Lover, Friend

1. Today we’ll focus on The Friend in your relationship and how to increase connection by sharing your dreams
2. We’ll talk about the skills of The Friend: Listening and Revealing
3. And I’ll give you 3 questions to open up a conversation that supports dreaming and connecting with your sweetheart

Date Night Discussion

Here’s 3 questions to explore as Friends who vacation together:

• How can I encourage your dream?
• How can you encourage my dream?
• When is it time for us to follow our own dreams so we can come back to each other fresh and lit up inside?

Want more?

• The Secret Power of Hello in Your Relationship
• Doug and Jamee Simons on Habits for Your Happily Ever After
• Why you tend to rain on your sweetheart’s parade
• How Fear Impacts Your Relationship Communication

Connect to Improve Your Relationship Communication

Visit the show notes.

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Please subscribe to my newsletter here. This unlocks personal invitations from me only available to my subscribers.

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Reach me at 970-210-4480