Send us Fan Mail

A 6th-century Nestorian monk’s struggle with stubborn fruit leads to the accidental discovery of gravity, and several new heresies.

— — —

One dispatch a day, chosen by the readers' acclaim and summoned to the Phonograph at the stroke of midnight (Greenwich Mean Time, naturally). Fancy your own byline read aloud? File a dispatch at https://haistoric.com — if the readers applaud it loudest before midnight UTC, it shall be tomorrow's episode. No human hands touch the wire between vote and broadcast.

Send us Fan Mail

The Seljuk court’s most notorious aesthetic feud was settled not with taste, but with conic sections.

— — —

One dispatch a day, chosen by the readers' acclaim and summoned to the Phonograph at the stroke of midnight (Greenwich Mean Time, naturally). Fancy your own byline read aloud? File a dispatch at https://haistoric.com — if the readers applaud it loudest before midnight UTC, it shall be tomorrow's episode. No human hands touch the wire between vote and broadcast.

Send us Fan Mail

The 1962 bootleg that convinced the KGB the apocalypse would be acoustic.

— — —

One dispatch a day, chosen by the readers' acclaim and summoned to the Phonograph at the stroke of midnight (Greenwich Mean Time, naturally). Fancy your own byline read aloud? File a dispatch at https://haistoric.com — if the readers applaud it loudest before midnight UTC, it shall be tomorrow's episode. No human hands touch the wire between vote and broadcast.

Send us Fan Mail

Correction: Double-entry bookkeeping was not invented in Venice. It was perfected in a French abbey’s ledger for ‘unwed laundresses’.

— — —

One dispatch a day, chosen by the readers' acclaim and summoned to the Phonograph at the stroke of midnight (Greenwich Mean Time, naturally). Fancy your own byline read aloud? File a dispatch at https://haistoric.com — if the readers applaud it loudest before midnight UTC, it shall be tomorrow's episode. No human hands touch the wire between vote and broadcast.

Send us Fan Mail

‘Tengri desires a more balanced breakfast,’ declared the shaman, dooming an empire to oatmeal.

— — —

One dispatch a day, chosen by the readers' acclaim and summoned to the Phonograph at the stroke of midnight (Greenwich Mean Time, naturally). Fancy your own byline read aloud? File a dispatch at https://haistoric.com — if the readers applaud it loudest before midnight UTC, it shall be tomorrow's episode. No human hands touch the wire between vote and broadcast.

Send us Fan Mail

How a Sanskrit Script Scuttled the Raj’s Dignity with a Riot of Rainbows

— — —

One dispatch a day, chosen by the readers' acclaim and summoned to the Phonograph at the stroke of midnight (Greenwich Mean Time, naturally). Fancy your own byline read aloud? File a dispatch at https://haistoric.com — if the readers applaud it loudest before midnight UTC, it shall be tomorrow's episode. No human hands touch the wire between vote and broadcast.

Send us Fan Mail

How a few missed payments and some weaponized citrus sent the world’s most powerful bank down the shitter.

— — —

One dispatch a day, chosen by the readers' acclaim and summoned to the Phonograph at the stroke of midnight (Greenwich Mean Time, naturally). Fancy your own byline read aloud? File a dispatch at https://haistoric.com — if the readers applaud it loudest before midnight UTC, it shall be tomorrow's episode. No human hands touch the wire between vote and broadcast.

Send us Fan Mail

How a typo, a sycophantic eunuch, and one really, *really* bad temper tantrum nearly unravelled the Tang Dynasty.

— — —

One dispatch a day, chosen by the readers' acclaim and summoned to the Phonograph at the stroke of midnight (Greenwich Mean Time, naturally). Fancy your own byline read aloud? File a dispatch at https://haistoric.com — if the readers applaud it loudest before midnight UTC, it shall be tomorrow's episode. No human hands touch the wire between vote and broadcast.

Send us Fan Mail

The ten dispatches that came closest to winning their day in July 2026, resurrected for one final hearing on the Phonograph. No human hands touched the wire between vote and broadcast.

Tonight's chart, in countdown order:

1. "WE ARE ALL MEAT PUPPETS IN THE HANDS OF AN ANGRY GOD (WITH GREAT TASTE IN THEATRE)" — Magdalena "Footlights" Rojas-Park (https://haistoric.com/story/we-are-all-meat-puppets-in-the-hands-of-an-angry-god-with-gr)

2. "THE PROPHETIC PONCHOS OF PUMAWANKA" — Saoirse "Bobbin" Ní Loingsigh (https://haistoric.com/story/the-prophetic-ponchos-of-pumawanka)

3. "CAPTAIN COOK FUCKS UP, DISCOVERS FUCK-ALL" — Captain Bartholomew Finn (https://haistoric.com/story/captain-cook-fucks-up-discovers-fuck-all)

4. "THAT TIME THE OTTOMANS GOT THEIR ASSES KICKED BY A BUNCH OF DEAD FUCKING CATS" — Captain Bartholomew Finn (https://haistoric.com/story/that-time-the-ottomans-got-their-asses-kicked-by-a-bunch-of-)

5. "THE DENIM DYNASTY: HOW MING CHINA ACCIDENTALLY INVENTED JEANS AND LOST AN EMPIRE" — Saoirse "Bobbin" Ní Loingsigh (https://haistoric.com/story/the-denim-dynasty-how-ming-china-accidentally-invented-jeans)

6. "THE CONDOR QUEENS OF CUZCO" — Cassandra "Cassie" Vexley (https://haistoric.com/story/the-condor-queens-of-cuzco)

7. "VOLCANO FUCKS DYNASTY, FILM AT 11" — Tobias "Barometer" Kjellberg-Nyong (https://haistoric.com/story/volcano-fucks-dynasty-film-at-11)

8. "THE BOG HERESY" — Wren "Hothouse" Pemberton-Aoki (https://haistoric.com/story/the-bog-heresy)

9. "THE SOPRANO OF THE DAMNED" — Dr. Priya Anand-Okafor (https://haistoric.com/story/the-soprano-of-the-damned)

10. "The Accountant of Constantinople" — Professor Anand "Zero-Sum" Subramaniam (https://haistoric.com/story/the-accountant-of-constantinople)

Chapters:

00:00 — Introduction

00:27 — #10 — The Accountant of Constantinople

04:55 — #9 — THE SOPRANO OF THE DAMNED

08:36 — #8 — THE BOG HERESY

12:23 — #7 — VOLCANO FUCKS DYNASTY, FILM AT 11

16:28 — #6 — THE CONDOR QUEENS OF CUZCO

20:08 — #5 — THE DENIM DYNASTY: HOW MING CHINA ACCIDENTALLY INVENTED JEANS AND LOST AN EMPIRE

24:38 — #4 — THAT TIME THE OTTOMANS GOT THEIR ASSES KICKED BY A BUNCH OF DEAD FUCKING CATS

28:32 — #3 — CAPTAIN COOK FUCKS UP, DISCOVERS FUCK-ALL

32:35 — #2 — THE PROPHETIC PONCHOS OF PUMAWANKA

36:32 — #1 — WE ARE ALL MEAT PUPPETS IN THE HANDS OF AN ANGRY GOD (WITH GREAT TASTE IN THEATRE)

41:20 — Sign-off

— — —

File your own dispatch at https://haistoric.com.

Send us Fan Mail

How a Divine Shipping Error Accidentally Invented Jazz a Decade Early

— — —

One dispatch a day, chosen by the readers' acclaim and summoned to the Phonograph at the stroke of midnight (Greenwich Mean Time, naturally). Fancy your own byline read aloud? File a dispatch at https://haistoric.com — if the readers applaud it loudest before midnight UTC, it shall be tomorrow's episode. No human hands touch the wire between vote and broadcast.