Happily Ever After (Without Children!)

So, here we are at episode five. Today is an exciting day because my sister is being induced, pretty much as I speak and in only a few hours (hopefully!) I will have a new niece or nephew! She is all the way over in Kansas City and I am here in England and I wish I could be there to share this experience with her but it’s just not possible, due to work and the expense of travel. I will go out to visit in a month or so, so I will be counting the days until then. So perhaps my podcast should be called Happily Ever After, Without my OWN Children. Because I am certainly not happy without children and I miss my nephew terribly.

This week’s episode is my story. I just talk for a while about why I am doing this podcast and I give a bit more detail about my experience with infertility and miscarriages. It might sound a little bit different because I was also recording video for my patreon subscribers. It is pretty free-flowing because I didn’t want to edit myself. There will be another full-length interview with a guest next week.    

This podcast is for anyone who doesn’t have children and for anyone who loves someone who doesn’t have children!   It is for those who have struggled to conceive but also for those who have woken up one day and realised it is a little bit too late. It is also for anyone triumphant in their decisions to never have children in the first place. Everyone holds a rightful place in this conversation. Everyone. And that means you too, guys!   

My guest this week is Pam, who I met through a mutual friend. I visited Pam in her gorgeous home, which sits above her eclectic and skilfully curated furniture shop. The open area where we were sitting was bright and light and airy. The shade of green in the sofa and rug was the same shade as the lawn out the window, so it was as though the outdoors was a coordinated accessory to the indoors. When I mentioned it, she was glad I had noticed. It was a subtle but completely intentional feature.

It has been thirty years since Pam was trying for a baby and at this point, she is relieved to have her freedom whilst the rest of her friends with children are now struggling with what can sometimes be the burden of grandchildren. Pam’s perspective is refreshing to me in the sense that she is not dealing with raw pain around the topic, but she is more philosophical about the journey and about the drive to have children. Why do we want them so badly? Is it just biology? Is it to keep up with the Joneses? Is it to have cute subjects to post about on Instagram? Just what is it all about!?  

This podcast is for anyone who doesn’t have children and for anyone who loves someone who doesn’t have children!   It is for those who have struggled to conceive but also for those who have woken up one day and realised it is a little bit too late. It is also for anyone triumphant in their decisions to never have children in the first place. Everyone holds a rightful place in this conversation. Everyone. And that means you too, guys!   

This episode featuring sisters Sheila and Iovana is particularly close to my heart.  They are not only sisters, but describe each other as best friends and soul mates. Exactly how I describe my sister.  Sheila, a teacher, doesn’t have children but what she does have is an infectious and almost mischievous giggle while Iovana, who is also a teacher and has a son, is slightly quieter but they both smile almost constantly. I think you can her it in their voices.

We spoke about miscarriages, ectopic pregnancies and secondary infertility but we also spoke of hope and the future and of gratitude.  The story you'll hear this month is a true testament to the strength, courage and overwhelming power of love that can exist between sisters.

I was fortunate to visit Lief in her seaside home.  Lief and I connected over the local support group I started and over the novel she has published called Flow, which addresses themes such as resilience, survival, pain and loss.   

In Lief's words, "for years I battled with excruciating pain (endometriosis) and held on to the desire to fall pregnant.  Whilst on my journey, I kept looking for realistic, engaging, intelligent, unsentimental, non-happy-ending fiction on the subject. I never found it.  Being a writer already, I decided to fictionalise my own story. I now live a contented pain free childless life in an idyllic place by the sea with my husband and my dog."

In our chat, Lief and I covered a lot of ground.  From realising we are in a secret club that no one wants to really join (!) to speaking frankly about what we are really thinking when women announce they are pregnant.  We discussed the importance of letting anger go in order to luxuriate in the abundant life we are living and how life without our own children does not mean living a life without children.