Haysnacks

Today marks 25 years since September 11, 2001, and I want to spend some time remembering that day with the respect it deserves. I’ll be honest—this isn’t my usual nonsense; we’ll pause the jokes for a bit and reflect on how that ordinary Tuesday turned into something none of us expected. It was a clear, sunny morning—people dropping kids off, grabbing coffee, worrying about traffic—then at 8:46am American Airlines Flight 11 struck the North Tower and at 9:03am United Flight 175 hit the South Tower, and everything changed. There’s now a generation that knows 9/11 as history, not memory, and for those of us who lived it we can still pick out tiny details that split life into before and after. I’ll play some tunes too, but I wanted to acknowledge the weight of the day and remember those moments with the dignity they deserve.

Takeaways:

• I mark 25 years since September 11, 2001, and we take part of the morning to remember.
• We recall it was an ordinary Tuesday morning before the attacks abruptly changed life for millions.
• American Airlines Flight 11 struck the North Tower at 8:46am, and United Flight 175 hit the South Tower at 9:03am.
• We note American Flight 77 left Washington Dulles and United Flight 93 left Newark after a delay, with Flight 93 departing at 8:41am.
• We remember how tiny personal details—where we were, who we called, what we watched—became permanent dividing-line memories.

We ripped through the Morning 6-Pack — the top six things every American should be able to do without instructions, and the survey results make that the main headline. Turns out 73% say they can cook white rice, 67% can change a diaper, 60% can sew on a button, but only 39% can change a flat tire — cars, apparently, are where we melt down. Yours truly even admitted I'm "excluded" from some of those humble brag skills, lol. We toss out goofy must-dos like driving with your knees so you can text, making a jug clang with your tobacco, catching a foul ball without spilling your beard, and reattaching your bumper with duck beat. I’m not giving away the top pick here — you gotta listen for the number-one finish, and trust me, it’s a doozy.

Takeaways:

• I gotta say, survey shows most folks can cook white rice and change diapers without instructions.
• We noticed 73% can cook rice, but only 39% would change a flat tire without YouTube help.
• I laugh: baby boomers grew up fixing stuff, and men brag about tire skills but might've just watched their dad.
• We dropped a jokey top six list — drive with your knees, duct-tape a bumper, catch a foul ball without ruining your beard, and ride a mechanical bull drunk.
• I'm serious though: relying on YouTube isn't the same as knowing how; we should actually practice basic life skills.

Sept 10 is National School Picture Day — one of my favorite dumb little holidays. I’m talking gym, a stranger with a fake forest backdrop, 18 seconds of patience, and a kid being told “don’t you dare spill that” about 11 minutes before they inevitably do. It’s not about looking good, it’s a government-adjacent portrait machine that somehow freezes the absolute worst version of you — one eye half-closed, hair doing a weather event, braces shining like a crime scene. And yet, of course, parents buy them like they’re priceless time capsules of annual awkwardness. I’ve got a fifth-grade photo that proves the point: pimple, nerd clothes, cowlick for days — bad bangs are forever, baby.

Takeaways:

• I celebrated National School Picture Day by roasting the ritual—awkward poses, fake forest backgrounds, and frantic last-minute shirt warnings.
• We joked that school photos are basically government-adjacent portraits taken in gyms by strangers with only about 18 seconds of patience.
• I said the pictures somehow always catch your exact worst angle—one eye squinting, braces flashing, hair doing weather events.
• Parents still buy them, though, because I swear those little wallet photos are emotional time capsules of pure awkwardness.
• I even riffed on my own fifth-grade disaster photo—pimple, nerd clothes, crooked smile—proof that childhood fashion crimes are forever.

I’m backing millennials — they’re the true greatest generation, and I’ve got six cheeky reasons why. On today’s Morning 6-Pack we zip through a rapid-fire countdown that doubles as a roast and a love letter. We riff on stuff like avocado obsession, surviving the emoji apocalypse, flannel’s triumphant return, and the trauma of owning a Furby — yeah, it’s that kind of highlight reel. It’s fast, sarcastic, and full of dumb little observations — perfect for folks who want nostalgia with a side of sass. Stick around for the whole run — I’m not spilling the mic-drop finale here, but trust me, the last one lands like a plot twist.

Takeaways:

• I point out Gen Z’s new hobby: calling millennials the 'new boomers' — savage, honestly.
• We run through a BuzzFeed-ish list of millennial habits that bug Gen Z — hustle culture, 90s nostalgia, Harry Potter references.
• I defend millennials with a cheeky six-item shoutout: avocado obsession, flannel fashion, surviving dial-up internet.
• We roast quirky millennial perks too — posting avocado toast pics, being comfy farting around partners, and emoji mastery.
• I confess I'm stuck between generations, so I get to mock both sides and play referee, lol.

Sept 9 is International Box Wine Day, and I'm celebrating the cardboard rectangle of emotional support. I keep a box in the fridge and yeah, I hand it out to guests — five bucks will get you drunk, no lie. Box wine used to be uncool, but now it’s practical: stays fresh longer, cheaper, lighter, way better for camping, tailgates, or nights when you only want one glass. A bottle says “I have taste,” a box says “I know who I am” — no cork, no ceremony, just push the spout and hope your life choices stay between you and the fridge. It ain’t classy, but it’s useful, and in this economy usefulness gets invited back to the party.

Takeaways:

• I celebrate Sept. 9 as International Box Wine Day — cardboard rectangle of emotional support.
• I joke that boxed wine is cheap, practical, and gets guests deliciously drunk for five bucks.
• I love how box wine evolved — no cork, no ceremony, honest about who we are.
• We say box wine stays fresher longer, weighs less, wastes less, and suits camping or tailgates.
• In this economy I point out usefulness beats classiness — box wine gets invited back every time.

I pick up the phone and Bama’s absolutely gutted that summer’s over — so of course she’s invented pumpkin spice Menthols as a coping mechanism. She’s bragging she finally hit her tan-and-paroled goals and swears she didn’t violate probation once while wearing a swimsuit, which I’m trying very hard not to fact-check. We trade shtick about cozy fall nonsense until she casually drops that she’s unpacking her “haggling tube top” for garage‑sale season — wardrobe = business expense, apparently. She also admits to sprinkling cinnamon on cigarette filters, which I definitely asked to hear but maybe shouldn’t have. It’s classic Bama: escalating weirdness, accidental confessions, and zero shame, and I’m just trying to understand it without becoming legally involved.

Takeaways:

• I'm bummed summer's over; I brag about getting tan and staying 'paroled' all season long.
• We roast fall hard — dead leaves, pale skin, sweater obsessions, and white women decorating with gorts totally don't win me over.
• I invented a weird fall combo: pumpkin spice coffee plus menthols, which I proudly call pumpkin spice Menthols.
• We jokingly admit to sprinkling cinnamon on cigarette filters and other questionable seasonal hacks that probably shouldn't exist.
• I'm gearing up for garage sale season, using a 'haggling tube top' like it's a totally valid business expense.

The NFL regular season kicks off tonight on a Wednesday — Seahawks vs. Patriots, a Super Bowl rematch, and yeah, it's weird. I'm over here like, Wednesday? That’s trash-night, church-night, 'is-it-too-early-to-make-weekend-plans' night — not prime-time football. We’ll complain about the NFL stealing the middle of the week, then by kickoff we’re full-on wing-munching and glued to the TV anyway. East coasters, brace yourselves — the league just stole some sleep. Honestly, the NFL’s got custody of our calendars now, and I’m equal parts annoyed and excited.

Takeaways:

• I’m grousing that the NFL kicks off on a Wednesday — Seahawks vs Patriots rematch, midweek chaos.
• We complain all day about Wednesday football, then by kickoff I’m inhaling wings like a hypocrite.
• Wednesday used to be trash-night, church-night, or planning-weekend-night — now it’s apparently NFL-night, which feels illegal.
• The NFL’s schedule power means folks in the East might lose sleep for a Wednesday opener.
• Honestly I get the appeal — national TV, revenge storylines, defending champs — but we work tomorrow.

Mortgage rates are back near 7%, so a lot of folks are stuck loving their houses — the average homeowner gave theirs a 7.5 out of 10. I’m Haystack and we ripped off a speedy Morning 6‑Pack with six goofy, practical ways to nudge that 7.5 into a 10. We throw out ideas like an instant bidet from the sink, a stripper pole in the game room, clearing the fridge down to beer and pizza rolls, and paving the backyard so you never mow again. It’s fast, sarcastic, and weirdly helpful — basically home improvement meets compromise with your mortgage. We save the wildest finale for the show, so listen if you want the full punchline and a bunch of dumb, useful ideas.

Takeaways:

• We laugh but I warn: mortgage rates near 7% make moving feel painfully expensive, so we stay.
• I point out the average homeowner gives their place a solid 7.5 out of 10, cute and real.
• We joke about the toxic love thing — if you’re stuck at 3.2% interest, you basically never move, lol.
• I share that almost half of homeowners are renovating instead, trying to make a 7.5 become a perfect 10.
• We give silly top-six tips — instant bidet, stripper pole, concrete backyard, pizza-roll-only fridge, or kick out the fam.

Apple Maps now shows Lake Ontario as "Lake America" for U.S. users, and yeah, I’m still giggling about it. I’m trying to be a mature adult, but renaming a shared Great Lake feels like some divorced dad slapping a Sharpie label on leftovers. Google already did this for U.S. users, Canadians still see Lake Ontario, and folks elsewhere might even get both names — so basically our maps are now a joint custody agreement. I mean, we gave you hockey and maple syrup and Ryan Reynolds, and this is how you repay us? If you’re tired of the chaos, I joked about busting out a Rand McNally vintage atlas and time-traveling back to simpler map drama.

Takeaways:

• I laughed when Apple Maps renamed Lake Ontario "Lake America" for US users — feels like phone petty vandalism.
• I point out Lake Ontario is a Great Lake bordering New York and Canada, with more than half of it on Canada’s side.
• We note Google Maps already made the US label change earlier, while Canadians will still see the lake called Ontario.
• I joke it’s less a map update and more a joint-custody agreement for geography — like who gets the water now?
• I pitch vintage Rand McNally atlases as my hilarious side hustle — trusty paper maps that won’t rename your road trip.

Wallethub ranked Arkansas 47th on the “fun” list and I demand a damn recount — like, who thinks we’re that boring? I rant about rivers, lakes, Razorback football, Crystal Bridges, float trips and more, and how Connecticut, Delaware and Rhode Island somehow outrank us (come on). Then we flip to the Morning 6-Pack and blast through a lightning Top Six of supposedly “fun” things to do in West Virginia. We drop bits about turning roadkill into an eight-course whatever, mullet-spotting, outhouse tipping, and a state aquarium that’s basically a bathtub with a bass. It’s short, salty, and hilarious — we laugh, we mock, and we keep the best punchline under wraps so you actually have to listen.

Takeaways:

• We absolutely roast Wallethub for ranking Arkansas 47th, and I demand a damn recount, lol.
• I list tons of Arkansas joys — Ozarks hiking, Razorback football, lakes, Crystal Bridges, blues, barbecue, camping.
• We argue that fun ain't just Vegas nightlife; sometimes it's a cooler, a boat, and someone yelling, 'y'all, watch this!'.
• I mock tiny states like Delaware and Rhode Island, and I still can't believe Connecticut somehow beat us.
• We finish with a goofy West Virginia top-six bit full of trashy jokes: roadkill cuisine, mullets, outhouse tipping, bathtub aquariums.