Haysnacks

We're stoked — Michael Palisack is coming to the Jones Center Friday night as part of their Center Stage clean comedy series. I chatted with him about why his set is clean, family-friendly, and still hilarious — he says being himself and tightening the jokes does the trick. We even laughed about the “no splash zone” front-row-safe vibe and how live shows are just way better in person. Tickets are $28 for the public, $23 for Jones Center members (fees included), and they’ve got a Parents Night Out childcare option so you can bring the whole crew. If you want a night of big laughs without the cringe, come snag a seat — might be one-time-only, folks.

Takeaways:

• I say his clean comedy comes naturally from his upbringing, not a forced shtick, ya know.
• We noted he avoids shock value and crowd picking, so families can relax and actually laugh without worry.
• I liked hearing him say being a dad cranks up the feels and the funny, giving him richer, more relatable material for his live sets.
• We hyped the Jones Center show as a one-night family-friendly laugh fest — tickets affordable, childcare available, and it's a real live vibe you can't get on TV, seriously.
• I pointed out his creds like Tonight Show and Conan, but he reminded us live rooms are the best, where shared audience energy makes jokes land harder and turns ordinary nights into something unforgettable.

Links referenced in this episode:

• thejonescenter.org

College partying is changing — I'm seeing this new trend called a "wellness darty" where daytime parties are now Pilates, yoga, ice baths, group runs and matcha instead of kegstands. I call it a health insurance brochure with a playlist, and honestly it feels like kids are trading chaos for stretches and smoothies. So we busted out the Morning 6-Pack and counted down the top six old-school college experiences these wellness darties are quietly killing. Think bonding over holding a buddy’s hair during a puke-fest, racking up gloriously embarrassing nicknames, and those social posts that make you briefly unemployable — yeah, we cover that stuff. We save the worst, dumbest finale for last (no spoilers here), and serve it up fast with sarcasm, jokes, and zero patience for too-much-clean living.

Takeaways:

• I roast wellness darties—Pilates, yoga, ice baths, matcha—like frat bros turned wellness influencers, lol.
• We call out this trend at legit party schools—Florida State, Miami, Alabama—where mornings used to mean kegs.
• I respect being healthy, but we miss the chaotic, messy college stuff you only survive when you're twenty.
• We run through missing classics: holding a friend's hair while she vomits, dumb nickname traditions, and cringe social posts.
• I tease the finale without spoiling it—yeah we saved the wildest, absurd old-school prank for number one.

Cleveland just declared part of Lake Erie the “Gulf of Cleveland,” and yeah — the city council voted 13 to 1 to slap that name on the water, stretching two miles out from the shoreline. I’m telling you, it’s mostly a tongue-in-cheek dig at all the renaming drama, but they’re actually gonna send it to Apple and Google and try to update the maps — crowdsourcing geography, baby. We riff on how every city will want a piece of the ocean now — Sea of Detroit, Lake Chicago, Gulf of Pulaski County — cartographers everywhere sipping whiskey. We also dig into this goofy International Body of Water Registry thing — someone named a puddle “Lake Melissa” for $50 and got a “certificate of authenticity,” which my wife supposedly loved (or pretended to). Then we spiral into naming mop buckets and bathtubs — Tubby Roosevelt, Pale McCartney, Pooley Eilish — because why not make every wet thing officially ours?

Takeaways:

• We joked that Cleveland declared part of Lake Erie the 'Gulf of Cleveland' as a silly rebrand.
• I said the city council passed it tongue-in-cheek, taking a playful jab at renaming fights and outrage.
• We fantasized about crowdsourcing geography, imagining Detroit, Chicago, and tiny puddles all getting official names and certificates.
• I teased that people will name every water spot, from bathtubs to bird baths, for fun and profit someday.
• We laughed about the International Body of Water Registry selling certificates, me naming puddles 'Lake Melissa' as a gag.
• I joked we'll have maps updated by Apple and Google while cartographers sip whiskey and quietly cringe.

54% of Americans say their mental load is maxed out every week, and honestly I felt that hit in my soul — same. So we ripped through a quick Morning 6-Pack where we dump six tiny brain-eaters so you can stop doing mental yoga in traffic. I rag on stuff like overcomplicated coffee orders, pointless political fights that never end in a “you were right” text, and those true-crime binges that eat your evening and leave you paranoid about your toaster. We keep it fast, snarky, and dumb-fun, tossing out easy ways to unload some of that clutter so you actually remember your dentist appointment. I’m not spoiling the top punchline here — you gotta listen to the finale to find out what’s stealing our last good thoughts.

Takeaways:

• I kick off with the hot stat: 54% of Americans say their mental load is maxed out every week, and 70% still feel like they aren’t doing enough — insanity, right?
• We roast the usual 'fix it' advice—delegate, schedule me time, make checklists—because honestly those tips usually just add another thing to your overflowing to-do pile.
• I low-key love the idea of a group scream at the ocean as stress relief; we joke it beats another meditation app or forced journaling session.
• We urge you to unload dumb micro-stresses like overcomplicated coffee orders, true-crime rabbit holes, and streaming-service paralysis so we stop wasting brainspace on nonsense.

Apple finally dropped a foldable: the iPhone Duo — it flips open to a 7.6-inch screen and starts at $1,999. I rant a bit about how Apple didn’t invent folding phones (Samsung and Google beat them to it), but yeah, Bloomberg thinks Apple showing up in nicer shoes could make foldables the new normal. So we slammed together the Morning 6-Pack: six quick questions you should ask before you blow two grand on shiny tech. It’s fast, sarcastic, and full of dumb priorities (yeah, we talk about looking cooler than paying rent). I keep it silly but real — useful when open, pricey when closed — tune in for laughs and to make sure you’re not buying hype over sense.

Takeaways:

• We point out Apple didn't invent folding phones but made them trendy by slapping a logo.
• I joke about paying $2,000 and expecting the Duo to fold my laundry, but admit the bigger screen actually feels useful.
• We riff through six sarcastic questions buyers should ask, like whether it proves social status, crushes more candy, or replaces rent priorities, all with a wink.
• I admit folding to a tablet-sized 7.6-inch screen is genuinely useful, so we're torn between hype and practical benefits.
• We call out Apple's 'show up wearing better shoes' move: charge premium and suddenly everyone follows, classic Apple energy.

Today is National Tattoo Story Day — aka the holiday that tells us if someone's ink is soulful or they got drunk in Panama City Beach in 2009. I love these stories: some tats are “for my mom” or marks of survival, others are coordinates where somebody met their wife, and some dude just got a flaming skull because it “looked cool.” True classic: a guy thought he had the Chinese symbol for peace until a lady at a restaurant asked why it said “sweet and sour chicken,” so of course he covered it with a new tattoo that says “no regerts.” Remember: tattoos are forever, judgment is temporary, so think before your first one — and maybe don’t put it on your face. Stick around for our next tale, the Princess and the Tramp stamp.

Takeaways:

• I'm celebrating National Tattoo Story Day by roasting and praising tattoos—from 'deep meaning' to 'drunk in Panama City Beach in 2009' classics.
• I remind people tattoos are permanent and dumb decisions sometimes outlast relationships, so seriously think before inking.
• We laugh at the Chinese character story where the tattoo read 'sweet and sour chicken' instead of peace, so always double-check translations.
• I warn folks: cover-ups can be both hilarious and tragic; yes, 'no regerts' is a real, glorious disaster.
• I encourage telling tattoo stories to kids—funny, cautionary, and perfect for that awkward 'why's that on your arm?' conversation.

Sales of CDs are climbing — yep, compact discs are back and Gen Z is making it weirdly cool again. Rolling Stone even says kids are embracing CDs as physical media makes a comeback, and I gotta admit: watching them collect jewel cases like sports cards is peak nostalgia. We spent 15–20 years ripping these to iTunes, donating boxes, and then boom — now they're “retro decor” for kids who don't even own a CD player. I busted my thumb trying to open the plastic, the jewel case cracked, and I smiled anyway — that 12-second shuffle pause really makes you think about life, right? So millennials, hold onto your garage boxes — apparently our retirement plan is just waiting for Gen Z to rediscover the stuff under the car seat.

Takeaways:

• I laughed when I saw Gen Z collecting CDs even though they don't own players yet, classic.
• We joked about ripping, garage-selling, and leaving giant CD binders in cars until the sun welded them together.
• Rolling Stone says sales are climbing, and I get why — artwork, liner notes, and that physical vibe matters more.
• We poked fun at CD changers, anti-skip features, and the glorious 12-second pause between songs for deep reflection.
• Hang on to your old CDs, millennials — they're cheaper than vinyl and might actually be someone's future retirement plan.

Pumpkin spice has officially taken over American life — for real, it’s everywhere and I’m low-key terrified. On today’s Morning 6-Pack we count down the top six signs you’re way too obsessed with pumpkin spice, and trust me, the list gets delightfully ridiculous. We roast stuff like the actual pumpkin spice casket (yep, they made one — slogan: “Latte season doesn’t have to end when you do”), and we riff on people’s reactions online — grandma blocking the sender included. We also hit a few wild entries, like slapping pumpkin spice on kids’ boo-boos or shelling out extra for pumpkin spice…stuff. I keep it fast, snarky, and stupid-fun, and I’m not giving away the number-one sign — you’ll have to listen for that mic drop.

Takeaways:

• We roast the pumpkin spice takeover, including a ridiculous pumpkin spice casket advertised for $15.99.
• I mock the dark slogan 'Latte season doesn't have to end when you do' and cringe-laugh at that.
• We read online reactions — jokes about 'pre-seasoned' coffins, cremation quips, and granny blocking senders.
• The Morning 6-Pack hits six signs you're obsessed with pumpkin spice, including absurd holiday mashups.
• Highlights from the countdown include goofy entries like rubbing pumpkin spice on kids and naming triplets Pump Ken and Spice.

A new report that ranks OnlyFans spending per capita says North Dakota is actually number one — yep, the land of wide spaces is tipping the most online. Mississippi spends the least and Arkansas is second-to-last, which means we get to smugly point at 50th and 49th and say, “bless their hearts.” I gotta admit, North Dakota kinda makes sense — cold, dark by 4:30, only so many times you can reorganize the garage before you go surfing the internet. We, on the other hand, are just cheap and practical: we’re coupon-hunting, trying to bundle it with our internet and wondering if Bass Pro points will pay for exclusive content. Bottom line: when Arkansans get bored we go to Walmart; in North Dakota they hit the OnlyFans button — basically same entertainment value, but Walmart feeds you.

Takeaways:

• I laugh that a per-capita OnlyFans report puts North Dakota at number one nationally; cold, dark winters apparently boost browsing habits.
• We poke fun that Arkansas and Mississippi spend the least, because we're famously thrifty and share streaming passwords with fifty relatives.
• I joke that Arkansans would bargain, coupon-hunt, and even ask if OnlyFans accepts Bass Pro points before subscribing to anything.
• I point out the per-capita stat came from someone doing spreadsheet math — some poor researcher named Bill — and that's comedy itself.
• We compare North Dakota's late-night online scene to Arkansas trips to Walmart: both cure boredom, but Walmart also hooks you up with groceries and random entertainment.

The autumnal equinox means it's time for fall clean-up and maintenance — basically your house is low-key passive-aggressively mad at you. I'm Haystack, and we rip through a Morning 6-Pack of the top stuff you "should" do to prep for fall, served with sarcasm and zero shame. We roast a few classic moves: buying a pumpkin that starts rotting on your porch, hoarding way more Halloween candy than last year’s trick-or-treaters, and sticking a scarecrow in the yard you’ll jump at for three nights straight. The countdown is fast, dumb, and weirdly relatable — full of small chores and bigger excuses. I’m not spilling the number-one pick here (mystery preserves the drama), but we end on that all-too-familiar homeowner truth: you’ll say you’ll fix it this weekend.

Takeaways:

• I remind you fall means gutters, furnace checks, fresh filters, smoke-detector tests, and other boring but necessary home chores.
• We joke that our houses get passive-aggressive when fall hits, like a silent roommate judging your summer laziness.
• I confess to overbuying Halloween candy for 200 trick-or-treaters even though we only had eleven last year—classic me move.
• We spend cash on fancy chili ingredients and somehow end up with exact canned-chili vibes anyway, no culinary glory.
• I warn you—put a scarecrow in the yard and you'll forget it, then get hilariously startled three nights in a row.