This is the most honest thing I’ve shared about forgiveness.For a long time, I didn’t understand why killing was considered a sin.

Not from the Buddha, not from Christian theology. After recovering memories of sodomy from my perpetrator in 2022, I felt deeply justified in wanting to kill him. I even researched how. I made soul agreements with parts of me that were in agony. I thought I was bringing karmic judgment — cleanly.

And then, I met Jesus. Not the idea of him — the presence. In the depths of my agony, I felt him suffering with me. Not witnessing, but feeling it. And suddenly, I understood what it meant that he died for our sins. My pain was inside his pain. And so was my perpetrator’s.

This video is for anyone struggling with revenge, with justice, with the unbearable weight of pain that hasn’t been answered. I don’t have all the answers. But I’ve felt enough to know that Christ’s death changed the game. And his forgiveness — it includes them too.

#christianhealing #traumarecovery #forgiveness #innerhealing #jesusheals #cptsd #survivorstories

In this video, I’m exploring some tender territory around the collapse of boundaries in abuse. I’m reflecting on how hatred from strangers online has been stirring up deep old pain — and how it might connect to early experiences of boundary collapse, possibly even repressed trauma. I share honestly about the emotional waves that came up, the grief, the moments of suicidal flashes, and the practices that are helping me move through it — like crying instead of numbing, and allowing the tension to release. This isn’t a polished answer — it’s an open inquiry. If you’re navigating similar territory, know you’re not alone.

#childhoodtrauma #repressedmemories #healingfromabuse #griefandhealing #survivorstories #emotionalresilience #healingchildhoodsexualtrauma #childhoodsexualabuse #childhoodsexualtrauma #adultsurvivors #suicidalawareness

(Skip to 0:00:45 for the start, apologies for the editing gaffe.)

In this episode, Will Harris shares his journey of healing from childhood sexual abuse from his father using psychedelics.

I met Will over a year ago here in Asheville and felt a resonance in our capacity to speak openly about our similar trauma history.

In April of 2024, I did an Ayahuasca ceremony (my second one) with the intention of healing my subconscious misogyny – specifically as it relates to my mother. It was quite a wild journey. On the first night, I saw vivid imagery that flicked by quickly where I saw myself being raped by almost everyone I know and myself raping quite a few people I know. As this imagery flicked by, there was a very clear difference between what I'd call fantastical imagination and felt embodied remembering. Most of this imagery felt heady and was fantastical in my imagination and then for a few of these, I could feel the truth of it in my body. As I write this, I sit with the risk of sharing something like this so openly – I imagine people who never believed me would read this and go "oh I knew it! It was all fantasy". Those are not the people I am writing and creating content for. I have learnt that it's best to just step back from such people and it's quite futile trying to convince them. After all that imagery, I saw one that really struck with me – it was a series of men, all sodomizing each other in a chain and all the men were me.

Even as I write it out, I remember it vividly.

I share this story because it reaffirms my belief that the tide of abusive cultural systems (often referenced in a gendered manner as patriarchy, hiding the subconscious misandry that many humans carry today) changes when men who have experienced sexual abuse openly speak up about what they went through, what impact it had on their lives and how they are reconnecting with their tenderness and their strength.

I am always grateful when I am met in this desire by a man – especially when it's from the state that I am attempting to create home in.

A state that carries the powerful tagline – "First in Freedom".

North Carolina.

If you have questions on this for me or Will, feel free to comment here or email me at [email protected]. I might take a minute to respond, but I do try to respond to all inquiries.

I hosted Bob Falconer today on my podcast Healing Childhood Sexual Trauma.

I really loved the simplicity of a theme that emerged in this conversation.

It's that love heals everything.

You don't need all these fancy tools and fancy trauma healing techniques and fancy conversational frameworks.

You just need to open your heart to love.

Of course the journey to a soft heart sometimes requires learning all these techniques – just so that the mind can finally lay down its defenses.

What a delight it is to connect with a man who has worked really hard to keep his heart soft and tender after a childhood filled with pretty horrific acts of abuse.

Bob survived sexual abuse from his mother, father and his father's gay partners amongst others while growing up in middle class New York. Today, he is the leading voice on the part of Internal Family Systems therapy that deals with exorcising or unburdening external spirit entities that might have lodged themselves in the client during moments of sexual violation (amongst other things).

He is the author of the book "The Others Within Us".

In this episode, we dive into his history of abuse, his trauma healing journey and how he relates to Spirit in service of healing himself and others.

This past weekend in Asheville was quite a grief portal for me, triggered by my first instance of being on the receiving end of verbal racism since I've moved here.

The wounding we don't see within ourselves, tends to get intellectualized and projected out onto the world. I dig into the story of Dr. Elizabeth Loftus, the top most expert on the "falsity" of recovered memories of sexual abuse. She was fondled at the age of 6 and believes that that incident "did not affect her much". She has devoted her career as a psychologist to create bodies of scientific research to discredit recovery of repressed memories. How cosmically ironic and ridiculous!

Often in the journey of an #adultsurvivor of #childhoodsexualabuse towards Wholeness, they have to face the Rage that lives within their bodies for the gross violation of boundaries that they experienced as a child. Rage is an emotion that exists to represent past violation of boundaries that have not been fully addressed and alchemized.It's a trope in the adult survivor world that often (not always), it's easier to access this Rage against the person who was supposed to be taking care of you instead of the perpertrator. There's a felt sense of deep betrayal. It's almost as if the enraged part is screaming at our caretaker (parents, or otherwise)–"YOU HAD ONE FUCKING JOB. TO NOT LET ME BE RAPED. AND YOU FAILED MISERABLY AT IT.". Your experience may vary, of course. If there's one thing I've learnt in exploring these dark recesses of human society, it's that there is a broad spectrum of experiences that we go through as humans both in our abuse and in our healing journeys. And yet, this is a trope that I encounter time and again.The movie #Eileen, based on a novel by the same name from Ottessa Moshfegh, explores the tragedy of the caretaker. In this case, the mom of a boy, who let her husband continue raping him.I found this movie, and this scene in particular, to be a very healing piece of art. I hope that's your experience too. Whether it is or not, I hope to hear from you in the comments 🌱

This is an audio taken from the video uploaded on my YouTube channel – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zaG8Gep2Yko

Copyright belongs to the movie owners. Scene borrowed under Fair Use for critical commentary.

#eileenmovie #annehathaway

Wolf is a fascinating human that I crossed paths with quite serendipitously through my travels. In this podcast interview recorded at Vondelpark in Amsterdam, NL, we dive into his uncovering of his childhood sexual trauma. Wolf is the first human I've directly spoken with who has experienced infantile sexual abuse. He is also one of the most open, creative and entrepreneurial human beings. I thoroughly enjoyed dropping in on this subject with him and hope you do too.

You can find him on Instagram: @_wolfb_ and YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/FlowOfConsciousness?app=desktop

Tyson Adams is a trauma-informed IFS men's coach, somatic bodyworker and psychedelic facilitator. After spending 20 years addicted to pornography, he outgrew it seven years ago and has found his passion and purpose in helping other men master their lifeforce energy. He also co-facilitates men's work leadership intensives and works with couples experiencing intimacy challenges. When he's not working you'll catch him on a rock wall or riding a slackline in sunny, San Diego.

You can find more of his work at IG: @tysonadams__

In the previous episode, I talked about the panic I've experienced every time I've come close to or recovered a repressed memory of sexual abuse. In this episode, I share more about my direct experience with soothing my own panic attacks by holding different parts of myself with loving kindness every morning, along with regular self body oil massage rituals.

I don't get panic attacks anymore – unless I find myself watching a movie with a lot of jump scares – wild to think I was so numbed out that I used to love these before. Now the skillset I developed soothing my physical body during panic attacks helps me in my work as a Shibari Dom.