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Why You Keep Falling for Emotionally Unavailable Men - Even When You Know Better

If dating tends to bring up anxiety, self-doubt, people-pleasing, or the urge to lose yourself in someone else, this episode is for you.

In this practical episode, I’m speaking directly to women who tend to be very giving, very empathic, and very accommodating in relationships, but who often struggle to stay connected to themselves while dating.

If you have a history of subjugation, self-sacrifice, under-entitlement, loose boundaries, or worrying too much about being “too much” or “too needy,” dating can quickly become stressful and confusing. You may find yourself focusing more on whether the other person likes you than on how you actually feel.

In this episode, I walk you through 10 clear dating rules to help you feel calmer, more grounded, and more self-protective in the early stages of dating, without becoming closed off or guarded.

This is about dating in a way that helps you stay connected to your own needs, your own feelings, and your own experience.

In this episode, I cover:

• Why meeting early in real life is better than building a false sense of connection through endless texting
• Why first dates should be short, simple, and low pressure
• The importance of putting a time boundary around early dates
• Why alcohol can make it harder to stay connected to your instincts and boundaries
• Why you do not need to extend a date unless you genuinely want to
• Why it is healthy to directly say you’d like to see someone again if that is true for you
• Why it matters to keep your life running normally when you meet someone new
• Why rushing physical intimacy can create attachment before real compatibility is clear
• How to think about chemistry more wisely, especially if you have a pattern of schema chemistry
• Why the most important question after a date is not “Did they like me?” but “How did I feel?”

Key themes in this episode:

This episode explores how schemas such as subjugation, self-sacrifice, abandonment, emotional deprivation, and under-entitlement can quietly shape the dating process.

It also highlights a more grounded and emotionally healthy approach to dating:

Dating is data.

Rather than treating every date like a test of your worth, this episode encourages you to slow down, gather information, notice how you feel, and assess whether the other person is truly right for you.

Support the show

🎓Join my FREE Live Training: Why you keep falling for emotionally unavailable men

🎁 Dating With Insight - FREE Guide

🩷 Love Wisely Priority list - We Start April 16🎉

💛 Elevate You Worth: Self-Worth Healing Bundle

🚩 The Red Flag Project 🚩 Get Instant Access

Connect with Me

📩[email protected] 🌐 Website: drgemmagladstone.com
📷 Instagram: @drgemmacoaching

🌻 Support the Podcast 🙏
Love the show? Help us keep going with a monthly contribution: Support here

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In this episode of Healing for Love, I respond to a thoughtful question from a listener who describes a relationship that is supportive and stable - yet something important is missing.

Her partner is kind, affectionate, and easy to live with. But when it comes to emotional conversations, he rarely initiates them. Over time, she has begun to feel emotionally alone in the relationship.

This is a surprisingly common dynamic.

Many people find themselves in relationships where their partner cares deeply but struggles with emotional expression or emotional dialogue. The question then becomes: is this simply a difference in style, or does it signal something deeper about compatibility and emotional needs?

In this episode, I explore how to think about this situation from both perspectives.

We discuss:

• Why emotional intimacy matters in long term relationships
• The difference between low emotional dialogue and true emotional neglect
• How early experiences can shape someone’s emotional style
• The role schemas can play in how we interpret our needs in relationships
• Why feeling like a “burden” when expressing needs is often an important clue
• How to distinguish between lack of skill and lack of motivation in a partner
• Questions you can ask yourself to clarify what you truly need in a relationship
• How to communicate emotional needs in a constructive and specific way

Sometimes the most important shift is moving away from the question:

“How do I change my partner?”

And instead asking:

“What kind of emotional life do I want to live in my relationship?”

If you’ve ever found yourself wondering whether your emotional needs are “too much,” this episode will give you a thoughtful framework for understanding what’s really going on.

Links

FREE LIVE MASTERCLASS - 1ST APRIL

Why You Keep Falling for Emotionally Unavailable Men - Even When You Know Better

Support the show

🎓Join my FREE Live Training: Why you keep falling for emotionally unavailable men

🎁 Dating With Insight - FREE Guide

🩷 Love Wisely Priority list - We Start April 16🎉

💛 Elevate You Worth: Self-Worth Healing Bundle

🚩 The Red Flag Project 🚩 Get Instant Access
 

Connect with Me

 📩[email protected]  🌐 Website: drgemmagladstone.com
📷 Instagram: @drgemmacoaching

🌻 Support the Podcast 🙏
Love the show? Help us keep going with a monthly contribution: Support here

Send Gemma a message

Hey, if you'd like to reduce your chances of future relationship regret, then come to my free live training: Join here

Have you ever looked back on a past relationship and thought:

Why did I stay so long?
Why didn’t I see the signs earlier?
If only I had done something differently…

Relationship regret can be incredibly painful. Many people find themselves stuck replaying the past, analysing every decision and blaming themselves for how things turned out.

But in this episode, I explain why this mental loop is not actually helping us heal.

In psychology, the “should have, could have, would have” pattern is known as counterfactual thinking. It’s a form of rumination where the mind tries to solve an unsolvable problem - the past.

And while it feels like we are trying to understand what happened, what is often happening underneath is emotional avoidance.

Beneath regret there is usually something much more vulnerable:

Grief.

Grief about the relationship.
Grief about what we hoped it would be.
Grief about the loss of the future we imagined.

In this episode, I explore:

• Why regret often keeps us stuck in rumination
• The psychology of counterfactual thinking
• Why self-blame is so common after difficult relationships
• How rumination can block emotional healing
• The grief that often sits underneath regret
• Why painful relationships are not “wasted time”
• How our schemas influence what we tolerate in relationships
• How to shift from self-blame to insight and growth
• Simple ways to respond differently when regret arises

I also look at an important reframe:

Relationships are often our greatest teachers.

Even the painful ones can reveal important truths about our emotional needs, our patterns, and the schemas that shape our relationship choices.

When we approach our past with compassion rather than self-blame, we open the door to healing and to making wiser choices in the future.

If this episode resonates with you

Many of the women who join my Love Wisely program come with this same question:

"Why did I end up in relationships like that?"

Inside the program we explore the deeper psychological patterns behind attraction, schemas, and relationship choices - and how to create healthier relationships going forward.

You can learn more about Love Wisely on my website.

Support the show

🎓Join my FREE Live Training: Why you keep falling for emotionally unavailable men

🎁 Dating With Insight - FREE Guide

🩷 Love Wisely Priority list - We Start April 16🎉

💛 Elevate You Worth: Self-Worth Healing Bundle

🚩 The Red Flag Project 🚩 Get Instant Access
 

Connect with Me

 📩[email protected]  🌐 Website: drgemmagladstone.com
📷 Instagram: @drgemmacoaching

🌻 Support the Podcast 🙏
Love the show? Help us keep going with a monthly contribution: Support here

Send Gemma a message

In Part 2 of this series, I continue unpacking the darker red flags that often show up early in dating – the ones that are easy to dismiss but costly to ignore.

These are not minor quirks. They are patterns that predict future control, manipulation, blame-shifting, entitlement and emotional instability.

In this episode, I explore:

• What I call “future mirroring” – a subtle form of love bombing designed to accelerate closeness
• The chronic victim stance and how trauma dumping can be used as manipulation
• Why repeated stories of being “wrongly accused” deserve careful attention
• Exaggerated reactions to frustration, shame or not getting their way
• How to recognise blame shifting early
• Why high chemistry without character is not compatibility
• How to strengthen your intuitive muscle and trust your internal data

If you’ve ever felt confused, slightly uneasy or pressured in early dating but talked yourself out of it – this episode is for you.

I also share details about the upcoming round of Love Wisely, beginning April 16, and how you can join the priority list.

Support the show

🎓Join my FREE Live Training: Why you keep falling for emotionally unavailable men

🎁 Dating With Insight - FREE Guide

🩷 Love Wisely Priority list - We Start April 16🎉

💛 Elevate You Worth: Self-Worth Healing Bundle

🚩 The Red Flag Project 🚩 Get Instant Access
 

Connect with Me

 📩[email protected]  🌐 Website: drgemmagladstone.com
📷 Instagram: @drgemmacoaching

🌻 Support the Podcast 🙏
Love the show? Help us keep going with a monthly contribution: Support here

Send Gemma a message

Not all red flags are equal.

Some signal incompatibility.
Others signal something much darker.

In this episode, I’m breaking down the first three of my Top Five Dark Red Flags in Early Dating - the traits that, in my clinical experience, rarely improve with time and often predict controlling or deeply problematic relationship dynamics.

If you’ve ever found yourself:

• Ignoring your gut
• Giving someone “the benefit of the doubt”
• Talking yourself out of discomfort
• Wanting to be the easygoing, understanding one

This episode is for you.

I explore:

• Why people-pleasing schemas can keep you in situations you already know aren’t right
• How subtle pushiness can signal future control
• Why arrogance is one of the most dangerous personality traits to overlook
• The difference between confidence and entitlement
• How love bombing can be used strategically
• What “future mirroring” is and why it hooks so many intelligent women

I also explain why what you feel in your body matters - and how to recognise when someone is testing your compliance rather than building real connection.

This is not about demonising people.
It’s about helping you see clearly.

Support the show

🎓Join my FREE Live Training: Why you keep falling for emotionally unavailable men

🎁 Dating With Insight - FREE Guide

🩷 Love Wisely Priority list - We Start April 16🎉

💛 Elevate You Worth: Self-Worth Healing Bundle

🚩 The Red Flag Project 🚩 Get Instant Access
 

Connect with Me

 📩[email protected]  🌐 Website: drgemmagladstone.com
📷 Instagram: @drgemmacoaching

🌻 Support the Podcast 🙏
Love the show? Help us keep going with a monthly contribution: Support here

Send Gemma a message

Here's a nurturing gift for you

Let me know if you'd like more meditations like this 🩷🩷

Support the show

🎓Join my FREE Live Training: Why you keep falling for emotionally unavailable men

🎁 Dating With Insight - FREE Guide

🩷 Love Wisely Priority list - We Start April 16🎉

💛 Elevate You Worth: Self-Worth Healing Bundle

🚩 The Red Flag Project 🚩 Get Instant Access
 

Connect with Me

 📩[email protected]  🌐 Website: drgemmagladstone.com
📷 Instagram: @drgemmacoaching

🌻 Support the Podcast 🙏
Love the show? Help us keep going with a monthly contribution: Support here

Send Gemma a message

Many women struggle in relationships without ever being taught one essential truth: you are allowed to have emotional needs.

In this episode of Healing for Love, Gemma explores the concept of core emotional needs through a schema therapy lens and explains why unmet needs sit at the heart of so many repeating relationship patterns.

You’ll learn how unmet emotional needs shape schemas like abandonment, emotional deprivation, subjugation, self-sacrifice and approval-seeking and why these patterns often lead women into relationships that feel unsafe, one-sided, controlling or emotionally barren.

This episode is especially relevant if you have ever:

• Felt guilty for wanting “too much” in relationships
• Struggled to name your needs or voice your preferences
• Found yourself prioritising others while neglecting yourself
• Stayed in relationships that felt familiar but deeply unsatisfying

Find out all about the six core emotional needs 

Key Takeaway

A healthy relationship is not about chemistry or intensity.
It is about how consistently your core emotional needs are met.

Work With Gemma

• Join the Love Wisely priority list for the April intake
• Stay tuned for details of a free training coming up
• Apply for limited 1:1 coaching places currently available

Support the show

🎓Join my FREE Live Training: Why you keep falling for emotionally unavailable men

🎁 Dating With Insight - FREE Guide

🩷 Love Wisely Priority list - We Start April 16🎉

💛 Elevate You Worth: Self-Worth Healing Bundle

🚩 The Red Flag Project 🚩 Get Instant Access
 

Connect with Me

 📩[email protected]  🌐 Website: drgemmagladstone.com
📷 Instagram: @drgemmacoaching

🌻 Support the Podcast 🙏
Love the show? Help us keep going with a monthly contribution: Support here

Send Gemma a message

In today’s episode, I answer a short but powerful question that came in anonymously:

If you’ve ever stared at a dating app wondering why nothing is happening and quietly concluded “it must be me”, this episode is for you.

I'll look at three key areas:

• The reality of modern dating apps – why they create a distorted, “smorgasbord” environment where incredible, emotionally available people are often overlooked.
• Other people’s issues – how emotional immaturity, avoidance and misaligned intentions show up on the apps (and why you can’t control that).
• Your schemas and your “type” – how schema chemistry and rigid “type” criteria might be leading you towards emotionally unavailable partners and away from people who could actually be good for you.

I’ll invite you to:

• Re-examine how you’re presenting yourself on the apps (without becoming a slave to what you think men want).
• Widen the pool by giving a chance to the “6 or 7 out of 10” guys (ie, the level of chemistry you feel! I'm not rating people!) who feel kind, calm and safe – rather than only chasing the intense 10/10 chemistry.
• Remember that your worth, lovability and desirability are not measured in matches.

If you’re feeling discouraged or asking “what’s wrong with me?”, I want you to know: you are not the problem. Dating apps are hard and your current results say nothing about your deeper value or your capacity for a healthy, loving relationship.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why so many wonderful women and emotionally available men get passed over on dating apps
• How our throwaway, dopamine-driven culture affects the way people swipe
• Why leading with highly sexualised photos can accidentally screen out good men
• How schema chemistry pulls you towards what’s “familiar” rather than what’s healthy
• How to gently expand beyond your usual “type”
• Practical ways to pace yourself and protect your emotional wellbeing while dating

Resources mentioned:

• Free guide: Dating with Insight – download via the link in the show notes.
• Love Wisely – my 12-week online group program for women who want to break their pattern of choosing emotionally unavailable, narcissistic or avoidant partners. Doors open again in March – join the priority waitlist via the link in the show notes.
• Episode 130 – on cultivating a new dating mindset (recommended companion e

Support the show

🎓Join my FREE Live Training: Why you keep falling for emotionally unavailable men

🎁 Dating With Insight - FREE Guide

🩷 Love Wisely Priority list - We Start April 16🎉

💛 Elevate You Worth: Self-Worth Healing Bundle

🚩 The Red Flag Project 🚩 Get Instant Access
 

Connect with Me

 📩[email protected]  🌐 Website: drgemmagladstone.com
📷 Instagram: @drgemmacoaching

🌻 Support the Podcast 🙏
Love the show? Help us keep going with a monthly contribution: Support here

Send Gemma a message

We hear the term “emotionally unavailable” all the time, yet many women are not sure what the opposite actually looks like in real life. In this episode, Gemma breaks down emotional availability in clear, practical terms, so you can recognise it early, feel safer in your body and stop settling for relationships that leave you guessing.

Gemma also explores how schemas like Emotional Deprivation and Abandonment shape what feels “normal” in love, why emotionally safe partners can feel boring or suspicious at first, and how you can slowly retrain your nervous system to relax into healthy connection.

In this episode, you will learn:

• What the Emotional Deprivation schema is
  • How it forms in childhood
  • Why it makes it hard to identify and express your needs
• Why you can consciously want an emotionally available partner yet keep feeling pulled toward distance, inconsistency, or intensity
• How schemas and your unconscious “love template” drive partner choice and keep you in familiar but unfulfilling patterns
• Ten signs of an emotionally available partner, including someone who:
  1. Takes an active interest in you, asks thoughtful questions, remembers details, and wants to know your inner world
  2. Has actions that match their words, shows up consistently, and follows through
  3. Is emotionally responsive, listens when you are vulnerable, validates your feelings, and attempts repair after conflict
  4. Is predictable rather than chaotic, so your nervous system can settle instead of living on high alert
  5. Is willing to talk about the relationship and co create something with you instead of avoiding emotional conversations
  6. Has emotional self awareness, can name their feelings, take responsibility, and does not shame you for having emotions
  7. Shows care through steady, thoughtful actions that leave you feeling valued and appreciated
  8. Allows closeness without pulling away or going hot and cold after intimacy
  9. Makes room for your needs and respects your boundaries, instead of calling you “too needy” when you ask for contact or reassurance
  10. Is kind in a felt way - gentle with your vulnerabilities, respectful in conflict, and emotionally generous
• Why emotional availability can feel “boring” or even suspicious if you grew up with chaos, distance, or inconsistency
• A real life example from a Love Wisely client who noticed her physical tension drop when she finally dated someone emotionally available
• How to start looking at your own relationship history through the lens of schemas and emotional availability so you can choose differently next

Support the show

🎓Join my FREE Live Training: Why you keep falling for emotionally unavailable men

🎁 Dating With Insight - FREE Guide

🩷 Love Wisely Priority list - We Start April 16🎉

💛 Elevate You Worth: Self-Worth Healing Bundle

🚩 The Red Flag Project 🚩 Get Instant Access
 

Connect with Me

 📩[email protected]  🌐 Website: drgemmagladstone.com
📷 Instagram: @drgemmacoaching

🌻 Support the Podcast 🙏
Love the show? Help us keep going with a monthly contribution: Support here

Send Gemma a message

Dating can stir up every schema you have. If you have a history of emotionally unavailable partners, narcissistic relationships or spending years in situationships that never really went anywhere, getting back out there can feel both hopeful and terrifying.

In this episode I walk you through ten grounded mindset shifts that help you stay in Healthy Adult mode while you date so you can notice red flags, take in green flags and stop abandoning yourself in the process.

I talk about:

• Why dating is data
• How to shift the goal from “finding the one” to “showing up grounded and observant”
• How to stay open to experience and still be discerning
• What it means to embrace ambiguity without losing yourself, especially if you have an abandonment schema
• Why you need to replace “stay positive” with “stay real” so you do not slide into the “super easygoing, no needs” people pleasing role
• The power of focusing on internal milestones, not external outcomes
• How to normalise the emotional rollercoaster of dating when schemas and old attachment wounds get activated
• What it looks like to cultivate self trust over outcome obsession
• How to reframe rejection as clarity, especially when ghosting or avoidant behaviour shows you who someone really is
• Why breaking the pattern of fantasy thinking is essential if you tend to fall for potential rather than reality
• The protective power of letting people reveal themselves over time

This episode is for you if:

• You have a history of choosing emotionally unavailable or narcissistic partners
• You find it very hard to tolerate uncertainty in early dating
• You often override your needs because you do not want to be “too much” or “difficult”
• You get attached quickly and then feel anxious, preoccupied and on edge
• You want a practical, compassionate framework for dating differently

1:1 coaching
If you would like to explore working with me privately you can email me at [email protected] for details on my coaching packages.

Support the show

🎓Join my FREE Live Training: Why you keep falling for emotionally unavailable men

🎁 Dating With Insight - FREE Guide

🩷 Love Wisely Priority list - We Start April 16🎉

💛 Elevate You Worth: Self-Worth Healing Bundle

🚩 The Red Flag Project 🚩 Get Instant Access
 

Connect with Me

 📩[email protected]  🌐 Website: drgemmagladstone.com
📷 Instagram: @drgemmacoaching

🌻 Support the Podcast 🙏
Love the show? Help us keep going with a monthly contribution: Support here