HeightsCast: Forming Men Fully Alive

"Picture yourself here."

"Become all you can be."

"This will be the best four years of your life."

The college pitch to high school seniors is alluring—though it doesn't sketch a very clear life plan for a young person entering higher education. As Heights Headmaster Alvaro de Vicente points out, a successful time in college can be measured in growth: Are you physically, spiritually, and intellectually stronger by the end of these four years? In order to answer yes, students will need to embark upon college with a plan and a healthy way of measuring those dimensions of growth.

This week on HeightsCast, Mr. de Vicente shares incredibly practical advice for spending the college years well, drawing on a letter he sent this summer to the newly graduated Heights class of 2024.

• 1:45 The best four years of your life?
• 6:44 Old truths remain fresh
• 9:17 College success measured by growth
• 12:05 Five battlefronts, five tools for success
• 12:36 One: Shower and eat breakfast
• 15:30 Two: Look at your day as a 9-to-5 job
• 19:26 Mr. de Vicente's study plan
• 25:32 Three: Find the right peer group
• 30:04 Four: Chart a path for spiritual growth
• 32:00 Five: Have a mentor
• 35:27 A reasonable study load, being effective without overloading
• 41:26 Laptop distractions in class
• 44:25 Breaking out of the "self-focused" college attitude
• 50:40 A truer pursuit of happiness

• The Art of Teaching Conference at The Heights School (November 13-15, 2024)

• Considerations for College-Bound Students featuring Dr. Peter Kilpatrick of The Catholic University of America
• The College Experience featuring Dr. Jonathan Sanford of University of Dallas
• Rethinking College: Why Go? How? When? featuring Arthur Brooks

Charlotte Mason's simple framework for a teacher calls him a "guide, philosopher, and friend." It's a lovely image—but what does that practical application look like? At the Forum Teaching Vocation Conference last winter, Heights teacher Tom Cox unpacked each of these terms citing ancient wisdom and loads of modern classroom experience.

• 6:09 Charlotte Mason and the teacher as guide, philosopher, and friend
• 7:44 Guide: one who has been there before
• 10:53 Communicating the "why"
• 14:18 Philosopher: starting in wonder, ending in wisdom
• 15:59 A storyteller stirring up wonder
• 20:01 Friend: beginning with a mutual love of something
• 22:28 Modeling friendship with fellow faculty
• 23:57 St. Aelred of Rievaulx's qualities of friendship
• 24:19 Dilectio, outward benevolent acts
• 24:54 Affectio, interior feeling
• 26:29 Securitas, freedom from anxiety
• 27:42 Iucunditas, pleasantness
• 30:00 Orient towards hope: begin and begin again

• Grammaticus.co, Tom Cox's website featuring Latin and history courses, his blog, and podcast
• The Plutarch Podcast by Tom Cox
• Spiritual Friendship by Aelred of Rievaulx

• The Art of Teaching Conference at The Heights School (November 13-15, 2024)

• Living the Teaching Vocation by Michael Moynihan
• Teaching and the Vocation to Fatherhood featuring Tom Steenson
• On Preparation for Teaching: Six Attributes of Great Teachers featuring Colin Gleason
• The Teacher as Liberal Artist featuring Tom Longano

In his address to the Forum's Mentoring Workshop held in June, our Head of Lower School Colin Gleason helpfully reframed just what mentoring is—and what it can't be. Though images of the sculptor, the director, and the master often accompany this rough term of "formation," Mr. Gleason reminds us that we are really more akin to gardeners, who attend to a living creation with its own freedom and will. So, how can we appreciate this situation and best work with it for the good of our mentees?

• 1:29 Neither the model nor the molder
• 3:39 We cannot 'do' the formation
• 5:56 Freedom to choose the good
• 10:19 "Thou mayest" (not thou shalt) "triumph over sin"
• 15:54 Exercising freedom requires formation
• 16:49 Manners: what the act looks like
• 18:57 Reasons: the intention behind the act
• 21:38 Images: how a person chooses the act
• 23:36 A mentor as such an image
• 25:49 Loving the good
• 29:51 Loving the person

• He Knows Not How: Growing in Freedom by Julio Diéguez
• East of Eden by John Steinbeck
• Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl
• Ben Hogan's Five Lessons: The Modern Fundamentals of Golf by Ben Hogan
• InSideOut Coaching: How Sports Can Transform Lives by Joe Ehrmann

• Seeing Our Boys with Loving Eyes: Not Projects but Persons featuring Tom Royals
• Why Boys Need Mentors featuring Joe Cardenas and Alex Berthé

In June, the Forum hosted a Mentoring Workshop for men across the country (and beyond) to consider the whys and hows of mentoring young boys into young men into men fully alive.

It's always best to start by defining terms. And so, the opening lecture for the workshop weekend featured Dr. Joseph Lanzilotti, theology scholar and upper school teacher at The Heights School, explicating the kind of Christian anthropology that precedes a mentoring relationship. In other words, how are we to understand what man is before we try to help him grow? For our benefit, Dr. Lanzilotti maps out this profound philosophical concept using St. Augustine's simple and most famous line: "Our hearts are restless until they rest in you."

• 2:07 St. Augustine's "Our hearts are restless until they rest in you"
• 4:56 What is man? Who is man? What is his telos?
• 7:54 Pope St. John Paul II's "adequate anthropology"
• 8:38 Finding an adequate anthropology in St. Augustine's restless heart
• 10:05 Fecisti nos: you made us
• 13:33 Ad te: for yourself
• 17:27 Inquietum cor nostrum: our hearts are restless
• 22:19 Donec requiescat in te: until they rest in you

• Confessions by St. Augustine
• I Burned for Your Peace: Augustine's Confessions Unpacked by Peter Kreeft
• Gaudium et spes by the Second Vatican Council, promulgated by Pope St. Paul VI
• The Divine Comedy by Dante Alighieri
• Address to the Pontifical Council "Cor Unum" from January 2006 by Pope Benedict XVI
• Till We Have Faces by C. S. Lewis

• Starting a Mentoring Program by Joe Cardenas and Nate Gadiano
• Mentoring without a Program: On Teaching the Whole Person featuring Joe Cardenas

Note from producer: This conversation was originally published on March 23, 2021, but has been updated and republished on June 13, 2024.

As we look forward to the wide expanse of summer, one thing certainly on our minds is how we can support our sons' friendships in the absence of school. Turns out, we needn't look further than our own living rooms. In fact, welcoming our children's friends into our homes may be the healthiest place for authentic, lifelong friendship to grow.

In a timely rebroadcast from 2021, Assistant Headmaster Tom Royals helps parents to see their homes as a venue for hospitality—one that integrates our children's social lives with the culture of the home. He especially highlights a vision for hosting teens, who often stray away from home-based gatherings just when it's most beneficial.

• 01:45 Begin Interview
• 02:28 Parents building a culture of home gatherings
• 06:50 Hosting high schoolers, knowing your home
• 11:24 Co-ed hosting
• 12:56 Spontaneous hosting
• 15:05 Parents working with parents
• 16:12 Crucial years: establishing this culture before they launch
• 18:14 Hospitality and the temperaments of your children
• 20:24 The example of Fr. Robert Kimball
• 25:28 The role of the father
• 29:01 Parental presence at teen gatherings: freedom and formation
• 33:07 Modeling friendship, hospitality

• Friendship and the 21st-Century Boy featuring Alvaro de Vicente
• Family Culture featuring Alvaro de Vicente
• On Friendship after Senior Year featuring Dave Maxham

Where to begin with the lofty, almost nebulous virtue of magnanimity—what St. Thomas Aquinas called "stretching forth of the soul to great things"? Of course we want to raise great-souled children, who even outstrip us in their vision of the good and their commitment to serving it. But words alone will fail to impart such a personal and complex mission.

At last April's Fatherhood Conference at The Heights, Headmaster Alvaro de Vicente tackled the challenge of how to teach magnanimity to our children. Following Fr. Carter Griffin's keynote address, Mr. de Vicente laid out the map: the obstacles we must navigate, the targets of opportunity we must seize, and the tools to pack for the mission.

• 4:30 Defining magnanimity: a vision of and commitment to the good
• External challenges to teaching magnanimity:
  • 6:37 Identity culture
  • 7:43 Sexualized culture
  • 9:09 The "second-hand smoke" of culture
  • 10:20 Materialism and affluence
  • 13:18 Entertainment culture
  • 16:01 Moral relativism
• Internal challenges to teaching magnanimity:
  • 19:23 Selfishness, "I deserve"
  • 22:33 Anxiety
  • 24:26 Personal weakness
  • 26:26 Playing the wrong role: acting coach, not director
• Opportunities for teaching magnanimity:
  • 28:08 Dealing with our own anxiety
  • 31:32 Communicating with God and spouse about each child
  • 33:42 Emotional presence at home
  • 37:50 Expressing affection
• Ways to discuss magnanimity with your child:
  • 40:00 Positive framework for "the talk"
  • 40:52 Examples of virtue
  • 44:36 Through sports
  • 47:00 Dependable routines
  • 47:50 Financial awareness
  • 48:59 Forming a boy's intellect with conversation
• Your best resources:
  • 51:38 Friendship with like-minded parents
  • 52:14 Online resources, podcasts
  • 52:52 Spiritual direction53:46 Hope in God's grace

• Magnanimity and the Great-Souled Man featuring Fr. Carter Griffin

• Mentoring Workshop at The Heights School (June 13-14, 2024)
• The Art of Teaching Conference at The Heights School (November 13-15, 2024)
• Leaders Initiative now accepting applications

The modern instinct with free time is to fill it. Whether in our own lives or in the lives of our children, we imagine that something productive or mindless is the antidote to an uncommitted hour. Middle school teachers Kyle Blackmer and Shane O'Neill encourage us to think differently.

This week on HeightsCast, the duo shares practical reasons and methods for protecting our family's free time, which helps to cultivate interests, relationships, and the wellbeing of the whole person. They speak especially to our role as parents, teachers, and coaches: to clear the way of obstacles and model our own good use of free time.

• 3:27 Good free time
• 5:33 Role of parents in a child's freetime: not entertaining but spreading a feast
• 7:34 Sunday as the day of rest
• 10:03 Leisure not as a thing "to do"
• 12:17 The Sabbath and sports
• 17:10 Overscheduling as an obstacle
• 22:42 Wasting time vs. free time
• 25:57 Cultivating interests, fostering friendships
• 30:53 Consumerism as an obstacle
• 35:20 Why free time is ultimately valuable
• 42:06 Modeling healthy free time

• Leisure: The Basis of Culture by Josef Pieper

• Leisure and Acedia: Contemplative Homes in a Frenetic Age featuring R. J. Snell
• A Summer Fully Alive by Nate Gadiano
• What Is the Difference between Free Time and Leisure? by Joseph Bissex
• Friendship for the 21st Century Boy featuring Alvaro de Vicente

Today we talk to Dr. Peter Kilpatrick, President of The Catholic University of America, who offers our graduates advice about how to make the most of college. He shares his thoughts on civic discourse, selecting a major, affording college, and more. In addition, he roots the entire college experience in the bigger quest to know one's self; but is that possible in a dorm? Our guest today answers emphatically "yes" and makes suggestions about how to advance in this life-long quest. Finally, Dr. Kilpatrick emphasizes the importance of mentorship and human relationship in personal growth, urging students to seek out meaningful connections during their precious and limited undergraduate time.

• 5:03 Costs of college
• 6:40 The real purpose of college
• 8:59 Knowing oneself: asking the ultimate questions
• 13:09 Pursuit of the professions as a path to knowing oneself
• 16:04 Financial big picture
• 22:18 Choosing majors and minors
• 28:54 Fruits of the spirit as a means of choosing a path of study
• 33:12 The use of full human reason
• 41:00 Fostering an integrated sense of reality while in college
• 44:10 Mentorship and human relationship in a world of AI and self-teaching
• 49:05 Freedom of speech and earnest inquiry on campus
• 57:20 Assuming leadership positions on campus
• 1:01:42 Making the most of residential life

• Fruits of the Spirit, Works of the Flesh: homily from May 19, 2024 by Bishop Robert Barron
• General Audience from June 16, 2010 by Pope Benedict XVI

• The College Experience featuring University of Dallas President Dr. L. Sanford
• Rethinking College: Why go? How? When? featuring Arthur Brooks

"Porque me da la gana!" In his book Friends of God, St. Josemaría writes, "I opt for God because I want to, freely, without compulsion of any kind." But how can we teach our children to use their freedom for the good in this whole-hearted way? For that matter, how can we as adults orient our wills toward the same?

In this episode of HeightsCast, Headmaster Alvaro de Vicente explores the delicate relationship between obedience and freedom. He provides us with a framework to think about man's condition of freedom, and how we as parents can transition our children forward from obedience to the rest of the virtues.

• 3:03 The universe as a playground of freedom
• 5:49 Our parenting goal of becoming dispensable
• 7:34 External freedom: liberties granted by external forces
• 19:37 Internal freedom: purposeful self-determination
• 26:00 Obedience as a temporary training ground for internal freedom
• 29:57 Avoiding parent perfectionism
• 32:07 The apostolate of imperfect dinners
• 33:02 Being models for our children
• 34:47 The importance of predictability
• 36:51 "Porque me da la gana": because I deeply want to
• 42:12 Parenting is an art, not a science

• Introduction to Christianity by Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger (Pope Benedict)
• Pastoral Letter from February 10, 2024 by Fernando Ocáriz, Prelate of Opus Dei

• Freedom in the Upper School by Rich Moss
• Why Boys Need to Be Given Freedom by Andrew Reed
• Moral Imagination, part I with Alvaro de Vicente
• Moral Imagination, part II with Alvaro de Vicente

In this episode Dr. Kevin Majeres offers his thoughts on two recent books: Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt, and Bad Therapy by Abigail Shrier. Both books seek to tackle major questions such as screens and socials, overprotective parenting, anxiety and depression, and the appropriate response to those conditions. Dr. Majeres optimistically offers helpful and poignant suggestions to parents fully aware seeking to mindfully raise mindful children.

Chapters

• 4:23 The Anxious Generation, introduction and analysis

• 10:39 Social media and social comparison

• 11:03 Proven connection between social media and anxiety, depression

• 15:10 Bonds formed online versus in person, the "rupture and repair" process

• 17:26 Primary impact on boys: video games, pornography, disengagement

• 22:02 Pessimism fueled by social media

• 24:43 Costs of screen time, impact on sleep

• 27:17 Screens and the left hemisphere of the brain

• 31:40 Children must be frustrated every day

• 35:31 Haidt's anti-fragile model

• 40:40 Debate over the age for smart phones

• 44:20 Bad Therapy, introduction and analysis

• 51:31 Educative therapy approach

• 56:41 Discerning necessary therapy

• 1:00:19 Anxiety is adrenaline waiting to be invested

• 1:03:58 Maintaining optimism

Links:

• Optimal Work, Dr. Majere's online platform with podcasts and courses

• Optimal Work #191: How to Help an Anxious Generation Thrive

• Optimal Work #190: Is All Therapy Bad Therapy?

• Optimal Work #180: How to Discipline Your Children While Deepening Your Bond with Them

• The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt

• MIT Study on Facebook and Anxiety

• 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 by Thomas Phelan

• No Drama Discipline by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson

• The Gardner and the Carpenter by Alison Gopnik

• On McGilchrist and the Left Brain by Sebastian Reiche

• Bad Therapy by Abigail Shrier

• Leonard Sax's critique of Bad Therapy

Also on the Forum:

• Technology in the Home by Michael Moynihan

• From Anxiety to Adventure featuring Kevin Majeres

• His Anxiety and Ours featuring Alex Berthé

• Welcome to the Web featuring John Beatty

• When Is Your Son Ready for a Smart Phone? featuring Alvaro de Vicente

• Smart Phones: Why Wait When He's "the Only One" featuring Joe Cardenas

• On Freedom and Phones featuring Alvaro de Vicente