Hindsight is Horrifying

What could be better than chasing tail and cheating at sports in the great outdoors? Nothing we humble podcasters can dream up, unless you figure out a way to factor in Bill Murray in a kid’s toy helmet.

This 70s nonsensical classic not only granted the world access to the incomparable team that was Ivan Reitman, Harold Ramis, and Bill Murray. This film also taught us the greatest lesson that any kid could garner from summer camp: DON’T BE A MEATBALL!

What’s a meatball? If you have to ask, you’re a total meatball.

Could Bill Murray BE more creepy in this movie? Undoubtedly. Would that matter? In the 70s, probably not. Just ask Geena Davis. She used to be in movies, but she’s not in movies anymore.

Don your Hawaiian shirts and short shorts. Lace up your Ah-Dee-Dahs and join us for our final Summer of 70s episode, Meatballs!

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Did your mom ever put a hit on your dad? Did a gang of 50-year-old teenagers ever attack you in a mortuary so they could use a casket for a prank? Did one of those teenagers stomp your beloved pet to death? If so, we know just the quasi murderess who can help you return such morbid favors!

Meet Susan. She’s a spider enthusiast and is the object of every creepy uncle’s eye. Okay, maybe just the one creepy uncle, but homeboy was having an affair with Susan’s mom before he set eyes on his niece. #CreepyAF

Susan’s got 99 problems but murder ain’t one. This hot town loner possesses a literal army of tarantulas who can magically kill anyone they touch. Minus Susan, of course. No biting necessary with these supernatural spiders!

In all seriousness, this movie makes no sense. The gist is that if you try to harm Susan in any fashion, you will experience death by spider. Does this qualify as murder? We don’t know! Join Darth, Jason, and two-dimensional Adam for a loopy discussion of Kiss of the Tarantula!

But wait, the spiders never actually bit anyone…

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Check out the video version on Rumble!

Armageddon has descended. The world has succumbed to the devastating results of biological warfare. A former TV newscaster has subsequently transformed into an albino, light-sensitive, technology-hating zealot. So, who will keep the public informed? How will Las Angeles know to stay classy?? CAN WE GET RON BURGUNDY ON THE PHONE??? 

WE DON’T KNOW WHAT WE’RE YELLING ABOUT!

Oh wait, none of this matters, because everyone is dead or undead except for Charlton Heston.

In all honesty, Dr. Robert Neville (Heston) appears to be living the post-apocalyptic bachelor dream as he forages for supplies in the fanciest abandoned cars that L.A. has to offer. Yeah, those cars are occasionally set aflame by the albino "zompires," but that just makes survival interesting. 

Neville spends his considerable amount of spare time heckling the one remaining movie (MST3K style) and playing chess with a statue of Julius Caesar. So…there’s some silver lining to the End of Days, right? 

All good things must come to an end, however. Neville is kidnapped by a woman literally posing as a mannequin who is somehow NOT Kim Cattrall. He didn’t know it was a ruse, the big dumb idiot. Neville winds up getting laid, but most certainly pays the price. 

Women…

The Summer of 70s continues! Join Darth, Jason, and Adam, for their somewhat riveting discussion of The Omega Man.

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CALLING ALL KEITH DAVIDS!

Wait…Keith David WASN’T in this movie? Damn it, Jason…

*Awkward Intermission*

Stunt men, drunk driving, and bar fights, OH MY!

Picture it: Sally Field stars in a movie where Burt Reynolds is the badass. No one saw that coming. But have you ever seen a horse drink beer?

No one could pull off sexy meta narcissism like ol’ Burt. Psh. Don’t judge. Like any of y’all have your own Hollywood stunt reel to show off to your friends…

When Mr. Brown’s away, Darth and Jason will design an incriminating photo opportunity. But that’s nothing compared to the death-defying stunts of Sonny Hooper, who, along with Hal Needham and ALL the Jan-Michael Vincents, will prove physics and mortality wrong…about everything.

Your favorite podcasters just wanted Sally Field to enjoy her steak supper in that classy-ass honky-tonk. Join Darth and Jason for Hooper!

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Hold on to your gun silencers, it’s time for a gang assault! 

In this John Carpenter classic that was remade into a film starring Ethan Hawke that no one remembers, Darth, Adam, and Jason cannot figure out which is more fascinating: 

1. The fact that Precinct 13 is not IN precinct 13 or
2. The idea that a man can continuously “fire” an empty gun without realizing it. 

There’s no time to consider either glaring error when you’re being attacked by a pack of zombie-like Chicano/black/oriental toughs and hoods! Ah, good ol’ fashioned 70s racism…those were the days. 

It’s the Summer of 70s here on #HindsightisHorrifying. Grab your vanilla swirl ice cream and try not to get shot. On this new episode, your favorite podcasters are discussing Assault on Precinct 13!

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Hindsighters, what do YOU do to show your wives a good time? Well, if you’re Frank (Warren Oates) and Roger (Peter Fonda), you whisk your wives off to Colorado in the fanciest RV money can find!

For some added fun, Frank and Roger travel through Texas en route to Colorado, roughhousing on dirt bikes and playing witness to the grisly Satanic cult murder of a hot young woman. It’s all in good fun until the cult in question sets it sights on Frank, Roger, their wives, and the beloved family dog as the next victims for sacrifice.

The town is overrun by the Satanic cult and the local sheriff is literally of no help in this matter! What are the fellas to do to save themselves and their wives? Zoinks, gang!

It’s the Summer of Seventies on #HindsightisHorrifying! We apologize in advance that Mr. Brown will be selecting too many of these films for you to “enjoy”, so brace yourselves.

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Gloria Estefan was right. The cross-dressing rhythm IS going to get you. 

Picture it. South Beach, 1996. You’re a young straight man in love with the daughter of an imperiously conservative politician. Add to this equation that your parents are gay partners who own and star in a South Beach drag club. You and said daughter are engaged and now it’s time for your perilously opposite parents to meet one another. What do you do but turn your gay parents into a Lucille Ball-level illusion of traditional heterosexuality? 

Throw in a shoeless, half-dressed Guatemalan and you’ve got yourself an outstanding movie. 

In this comedy classic, no one makes a more hilariously dramatic couple than Robin Williams and Nathan Lane. Don’t agree? Take some Pirin tablets and settle down, ya queen. 

Throw on your cutoffs and your best wig. In this exciting episode, the gang (and special guest host Amanda) discuss The Birdcage!

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In The Rock, Nicholas Cage proves just how far a man will go to avoid committing to a relationship.

When given the choice to address his imminent future with his pregnant girlfriend or fly across the nation to take down a group of insurgent American marines threatening their own country with an act of terrorism, Stanley Goodspeed (Cage), CANNOT get on a plane fast enough.

Goodspeed is a D.C. biochemist who must Face Off (pun intended) with terrorists who have taken over the former prison island of Alcatraz and intend on destroying San Francisco with deadly VX gas warheads.

Not enough of a twist, you say? We agree with you, #hindsighters, because what this movie is missing is a sexy criminal element, also known as John Patrick Mason (Sean Connery). You see, Goodspeed can disarm any nuclear bomb, but only Mason can sneak Goodspeed ON to the island of Alcatraz.

How can Mason pull off such a mission? Because he’s the only former prisoner alive to successfully escape Alcatraz. Mason has only been in another prison (apparently one more difficult to escape from than Alcatraz) for the past 30 years. What could go wrong with this plan?

Tune in and find out on our most recent episode, starring John C. McGinley…and a bunch of other people.

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“Darling…the only ghoul in this house is you.” – Annabelle Loren

Welcome to the party on Haunted Hill, where the ghost stories aren’t made up, and the grudges do matter. Frederick Loren is hosting a gathering where all the guests get to walk away with ten thousand dollars apiece…assuming they survive the night in a horribly haunted house. Not enough of a twist, you say? Your favorite podcasters agree. As it turns out, the ghosts (and one random werewolf) might not be the most dangerous inhabitants of the House on Haunted Hill.  

This William Castle classic begs the question: Would it be more fun to be murdered by an eccentric, mustachioed millionaire, or his cheating, smokin’ hot spouse? We suppose that comes down to your own kinky preference, but let’s all agree that disintegrating in a vat of acid would be absolutely zero fun. No bones about it. Darth will see herself out for that joke…unless Vincent Price has locked her in. 

Join Darth, Adam, and Jason for their first Halloween episode of the season, House on Haunted Hill!

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Darth was today years old when she discovered that Johnny Depp and Christopher Walken star in more than one movie together. In one of those movies, Nick of Time, Mr. Smith (Walken) threatens to murder Gene Watson’s (Johnny Depp) little girl unless Watson pulls the trigger on Governor Eleanor Grant during a public speech in a downtown L.A. hotel.

And we have a movie!

This film has everything going for it on paper. You have a handsome leading man racing against the clock. You have Christopher Walken literally stalking that leading man every step of the way on his mission to kill a governor so liberal that everyone and their mom (including her own husband and the guys at the hotel bar) want her dead. Johnny’s only allies are the veteran shoeshine and every single other hotel employee. In Nick of Time, there are countless build-ups with zero follow-through, and despite the stakes and talent that fill this movie to busting, it presents like a TV movie that could have used a few extra commercial breaks.

Darth and Jason enjoyed it nonetheless. But did 2-D Adam Brown have an opinion? More importantly, did Johnny off the governor?? Tune in to find out!

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