Hindsight is Horrifying

In this schlocky 90s comedy, Lt. Cmdr. Tom Dodge and his tattooed dick are facing a stacked deck.

Due to his decorative penis and quirky methods of command, Dodge has been passed over for promotion by the Navy Selection Committee year after year. But when Rip Torn decides to pull rank out of pure nepotism for his own errant son (which no one seems to notice or care about), Dodge finally gets a shot at captaining his very own recommissioned, yet utterly decrepit, submarine.

It’s up to Dodge and his colorful crew of misfit seamen, including a shockingly female Diving Officer, to navigate the USS Stingray through a War Games exercise that will determine his fate in the U.S. Navy. Does Dodge win the war games and Jim Carrey’s woman amidst self-inflicted chaos and loony piracy on the high seas? We’re not sure we even care, but in this episode of HIH, we discuss Down Periscope.

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When you’re an under cover operative in a tough spot, who do you reach out to for help? James Bond? Ethan Hunt? Elon Musk? NOPE. In Penny Marshall’s directorial debut, it’s Whoopi Goldberg to the rescue for a British spy who just wants to get home.

Meet Terry Doolittle (Goldberg), professional smartass and computer genius, also known as a bank chat specialist. Terry stumbles into the world of espionage when English spy, code name Jumpin’ Jack Flash, reaches out to her with cryptic communications over her faulty bank computer. Jack puts Terry’s feeble feminine brain to the test with coded messages alluding to the Rolling Stones; Terry does some dancing, cracks the code, acquires a frying pan, and illicit undercover activities commence.

Jumpin’ Jack Flash is a Whoopi Goldberg vehicle that goes off road with ridiculous disguises, villainous treachery, & plenty of wise cracks. The British are coming, and Jim Belushi is armed with a tow truck and truth serum. But will Whoopi win the day and the middle-aged man? Smack your malfunctioning monitor and find out in this slapstick 80s romp.

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What would you do for a Klondike bar? Would you bark like a dog?

What would you do to maintain the secret of Nirvana? Would you murder a shark-bitten Swede? Leo DiCaprio sure would!

In Danny Boyle’s 2000 film The Beach, some intrepid travelers seek a hidden island paradise for non-parasites in Thailand, a country where marijuana was recently legalized! After their deeply disturbed fellow traveler, Daffy, commits suicide on the Khao San Road, Richard discovers a map bequeathed to him by Daffy that leads to a forbidden beach so perfect, it was formerly thought of as nothing more than an urban myth.

Richard’s bizarre journey includes a French couple, Etienne and Francoise, who like to have loud sex. The threesome’s difficult travels pay off when they finally arrive at The Beach, but this fairy tale land-turned coveted reality conceals a dark truth. 

The Beach is occupied by a group of hippie psychos who viciously guard their seaside commune, which also happens to be equipped with a manipulative ice queen and dangerous drug farmers who favor a Thai variation of Russian Roulette.

There is almost too much to unpack when it comes to The Beach. Suffice it to say that, in this movie adapted from Alex Garland’s far superior debut novel, we discover that when paradise comes at too steep a price, it’s not the journey or the destination so much as the escape.

Join Darth, Jason, and Adam for a dive into The Beach. 

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There’s this call girl. She’s got a bad rap, see? She’s stuck with a murderous john who owns all the hookers in Atlanta; he puts her up in a nice penthouse with fabulous clothes and all the dance classes she could ask for. It’s up to a ruggedly handsome vice cop to rescue her and give her the run-down home of her dreams in a ghetto part of the city so they can live happily ever after next to a playground of noisy ass kids. This dream house may not have a bed with a frame, but it has a lovely window seat with a rose carving, perfect for peeping on the local children at play.

Now that we think about it, Sharky’s Machine may be the literal opposite story of Pretty Woman. This rendition of Dirty Harry Goes to Atlanta is a drama-packed, vice-ridden tale of Burt Reynolds (quasi-legally) stalking and sometimes slapping a hooker with whom he falls in love from afar. Don’t worry, he’s still focused on cleaning up the city streets. He might lose a few fingers in the process, but good ol’ Sharky will see to it that we ATLiens can enjoy our city without the worry of those awful out-of-staters.

Join Darth, Adam, and Jason for the mustache ride that is Sharky’s Machine.

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Oh, my GOD, Mr. Cotter, I want YOU!

What if Cheech and Chong joined the army? We’ll never know for sure, but Stripes gives us a close enough idea when Bill Murray talks Harold Ramis into becoming a grunt in this 80s comedy. John and Russell join the army, mud-wrestling shenanigans ensue, and our would-be heroes get the girls, but can they protect America’s newest super-weapon/shaggin’ wagon? Probably not, but it hardly matters when your main goal in life is to be the sharpest loofah in your platoon ever to graduate basic training. 

Sound off for Stripes!

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Not all of us can travel abroad during our college years. Some of us can’t afford college or travel and are subsequently forced to fantasize about that magnificent day when a random, white-collar gentleman will offer us $1000 to travel to Italy to locate and return his wayward, womanizing son.

Matt Damon lucks out in the extreme in this story; he is literally paid to visit a fictional town in Italy to locate Jude Law and bring him home to America to fulfill his destiny as a shipping heir. Sadly, things get murder-y quickly when same sex tendencies and bitter jealousy arise amidst the gin and the jazz.

Murder begets more murder in The Talented Mr. Ripley, a film that raises deeply philosophical questions that keep us up at night: Do the ends justify the means? Can anyone truly be a “bad” person? Is Matt Damon prettier than Gwyneth Paltrow?

Decide for yourself as you experience the criminal misadventures of the talented, treacherous, and tormented Tom Ripley.

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Danger is around every corner when you’re an “anonymous” journalist with a drug beat and alimony to pay. Luckily, Fletch, known as Jane Doe to his readers (we assume he has some, but no one ever confirms this fact) is mediocre at disguise and masterful at confusing his targets with jibber jabber.

Fletch finds himself in the crosshairs when he’s asked to commit murder by a mysterious rich Mormon who mistakes him for one of his many alter egos; I mean, who wouldn’t trust thousands of dollars and a carefully coordinated murder plot to a drug-addled beach bum? There’s a foxy blonde, an angry Doberman, and Geena Davis has a dude’s name. It’s funny and confuddling. It’s Fletch.

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Holy hairpiece, Jason Alexander! 

Oh yes, it's George AND Kramer from Seinfeld, along with Dan Aykroyd and just about everyone else who made an appearance on SNL in the late 80s and early 90s. 

When a failed recon mission strands him and his wife on Earth, what is an extraterrestrial to do other than make a half-assed attempt to blend in with the neighbors? Beldar and Prymaat make the best of their suburban purgatory while raising their daughter who possesses the wildly rebellious tendency to date an overweight underachiever. 

This ridiculous 90s comedy didn't make money or history, but it doesn't matter. As far as Lorne Michaels is concerned, you can shove it up your cone.

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Honey, we’re home! And where’s our dinner??

Who doesn’t want to have sex in technicolor? The people of Pleasantville, that’s who! That is, at least, until Reese Witherspoon comes along! But don’t let the black and white swirl get your TV antenna in a twist! Join, Darth, Jason, and Adam for a romp through simpler times that become instantly complicated when Don Knotts abducts two 90s teenagers. Tune in for some salacious and visionary thinking during Pleasantville. And remember…you’re soaking in it.

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Ah, the 1970s. You've given us so many movies to suffer through. What more could you offer?

Turns out, the 1970s can offer us a bland movie about Rock Hudson using mad science to save a dog's life. Which is fine. Only he then decides to use the same science to create a total babe who wants to "learn" about "nookie." Oh, and the dog and the babe are both super cool with killing. Thanks, 1970s.

And, yes, there's frontal nudity. 

Watch "Embryo" (1976) on Hindsight is Horrifying!

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