Hopestream for parenting kids through drug use and addiction

Cathy described the first time she heard the phrase 'parenting out of fear' and admitted she didn't know what it meant. 'All I knew was I was just doing the best that I could,' she said. It wasn't until a therapist walked her through it — pointing to specific behaviors like driving around looking for her son's drug dealer, trying to keep him home, making decisions out of panic — that she understood. Both Brenda and Cathy reflected that this fear-driven approach was something they'd lived inside for so long it started to feel normal.

One of the most honest observations in this episode is about what happens when a child's emotional state runs the entire household. Brenda described it directly:

'My son's emotional state dictated my emotional state. I did not have the skills to separate those two things, so if he was highly dysregulated, aggressive, angry, whatever, I matched him toe-to-toe.'

Both hosts described how this plays out in practice — avoiding confrontation, giving money for a job not really done, letting a 15-year-old set the rules of the house — all to prevent a blowup. Cathy said she 'ceded all her authority' to her kids. The result, Brenda noted, is that one person ends up holding the entire family hostage with their actions and emotions, and the parent loses their footing entirely.

Brenda explained why she deliberately chose the word 'sturdiness' over 'emotional regulation' when preparing for this episode. Regulation is important, she said, but sturdiness and durability capture something harder — the ability to have a young person raging at you and not pick up the rope with them, to hold a boundary even when your child is presenting things back to you in a way that makes you want to give in.

'We wanted to convey the fact that we understand how hard it is, and that it really is more about this sturdiness and durability and the ability to deal with situations that most people don't have to deal with.'

This is also, both hosts emphasized, something that is 100% in your control — which matters enormously in an experience where so much is not.

Brenda offered a story about a former boss who was emotionally unpredictable. She would time her office visits for after lunch. She would read the room before going in. She was always bracing herself. 'That is a terrible place to be,' she said — and then connected it directly to what struggling kids experience when their parent is the unpredictable one. Cathy added that it is genuinely hard to put yourself in your child's shoes in this situation, but that this analogy makes it more accessible. If a child never knows what version of their parent they are going to get, they are less likely to come to that parent in a moment of openness.

Cathy described several things that shifted for her: learning that boundaries are for herself and not a tool to control her kids, prioritizing a scheduled walk or coffee even when a minor situation was happening at home, and using a practice of questioning her own spiraling thoughts by asking herself, 'Is this true? And if it is true, do I have control over it?' She also described bookending her days with prayer and gratitude, and noticing that when that practice slipped — along with her physical movement — her brain started to spiral even when nothing was actually wrong.

Brenda said that for her, reading about what addiction actually is helped her feel more regulated, because she finally understood what was happening in her child's body. She also described learning that there is no expiration date on when to deal with a situation — stepping away, cooling down, and coming back later rather than responding in the heat of the moment.

'I realized that just because something had happened didn't mean I had to respond to it at that time. It gave me a chance to cool down, to ask myself some questions.'

Both hosts recommended starting with awareness of where dysregulation shows up in your body — chest tightness, brain fog, tingling hands, a tight throat — and then having simple practices ready: intentional breathing (counting in for four, out for four), stepping away from screens, movement, journaling, calling a friend, or connecting with others in a supportive community. They also suggested practicing these tools in low-stakes situations, like getting annoyed at other drivers, so they are available when a high-stakes moment arrives.

They were also clear that this work is not always simple. People come to this experience carrying their own history — past trauma, loss, unsafe homes, a parent with a substance use disorder — and that history will shape how you respond. Working with a therapist, they said, is strongly encouraged alongside community support, and newer therapeutic approaches mean you do not necessarily have to relive difficult memories to begin healing them.

Brenda opens this solo episode by naming something she hears parents repeat constantly: I'm sorry I didn't catch this sooner. I'm sorry I wasn't a better parent. I'm sorry this is happening to you. Her message is direct — it is time to put that speech down.

The episode draws a clear line between two very different things that parents often collapse together: real accountability for things that actually happened, and blanket self-blame for things that were never theirs to own.

Brenda is clear that taking accountability for specific things you actually did — maybe not handling your emotions well, or not responding to a request for help in the way you wish you had — is valid and important. She says she had to apologize several times for her own behavior. But she draws a firm line at taking responsibility for a child's choices, their biology, life's timing, a medical condition, or a disease you did not cause.

'Taking on those things is a futile effort and it robs you of the energy that you need to deal with the difficult things sitting right in front of you.' — Brenda Zane

When parents jumble these two things together, guilt becomes a permanent hum in the background — always there, always getting in the way of actually helping their child.

Unlike anger, which Brenda notes can hide and get buried, guilt and shame are typically loud and constant. Parents will say unprompted how they failed, how this is probably their fault, how they wish they had done everything differently. Brenda describes spending a lot of time in what she calls the 'wish I could rewind zone' — a chronic loop of unanswered questions and frustration.

She points to a few reasons this happens: a hindsight bias that pulls parents into 'if I had known then what I know now' thinking; cultural messaging that a child's struggle reflects the parent's skill level; and the sheer helplessness of a situation where you are looking for somewhere, anywhere, to place the feeling.

'I used to think if I caused it, then I must be able to fix it. And of course that isn't true.' — Brenda Zane

She names what she sees parents actually carrying underneath the guilt: grief or fear. These feelings are easy to mistake for guilt, and naming what you are actually experiencing is part of untangling it.

Brenda shares from her own life when her son went to his first treatment at the age of 16. She describes the weight she felt — a boulder, maybe a mountain, of shame and guilt — asking herself what kind of mom ends up in this situation. She spent weeks and months in what she calls 'self-flagellation mode' when what she really needed was self-compassion, presence with her other kids and relationships, and attention to what her son was actually experiencing.

'I could do none of that. Because I was so consumed with guilt.' — Brenda Zane

She describes that excavating the past felt easier than looking at her current-day actions and responses. It became, in her words, 'kind of like an escape hatch that I would go down as a distraction from the work I really desperately needed to do.'

She also notes plainly: there is no award for being the most guilt-ridden parent. Carrying constant guilt makes you less steady and less useful to your child, not more devoted.

Brenda offers one practical step. Write down the exact sentence of self-blame that is running through your head. Then cross out every word that is not a fact you controlled. What remains is usually very short — or it might actually be empty.

Her litmus test for any guilt you are carrying: if the thing you are apologizing for is something you could not have known, or a choice that was not yours to make, that is not an apology. It is self-punishment. If there is a specific, nameable thing you did that can be repaired, make that apology sincerely, make it clearly, once — and do not let it linger for years.

'You can care enormously and genuinely and still not owe an apology for a struggle that isn't yours.' — Brenda Zane

The invitation for this week: catch yourself when you start an internal apology. Ask whether it is yours to own. Then go back to the writing exercise and cross out anything that is not a fact.

Episode 335

ABOUT THE EPISODE:

There's an emotion most of us are carrying that we don't talk about, because we're pretty sure we're not allowed to feel it. Anger. Anger at where our kid's choices have led our family. Anger at what they're doing to themselves. And underneath it, a heavy layer of guilt for feeling any of it at all.

In this solo episode, I'm getting honest about it, starting with a distinction that changes everything: anger at your child is not the same as anger at the situation. One of them usually isn't anger at all. It's grief wearing a really convincing mask, and it needs a completely different response.

There's a cultural script that says good parents don't get angry at a struggling kid. We're supposed to be endlessly patient, compassionate, calm. I have yet to meet one person who pulls that off all the time. So the anger goes underground, and it leaks out sideways: sarcasm, silence, blowups over nothing, or shame that quietly eats at you while you look perfectly fine on the outside.

I'm also telling you my McDonald's parking lot story, the day my anger completely took the wheel and I said things to my son I never meant. I'm not exempt from any of this. Nobody is.

Then I'll walk you through a different way to see anger entirely, one that turns it from something that owns you into something that informs you, plus real things you can do with it starting today.

If you've been carrying anger and beating yourself up for feeling it, come listen. You are so.not.alone.

YOU'LL LEARN

EPISODE RESOURCES:

This podcast is part of a nonprofit called Hopestream CommunityLearn about The Stream, our private online community for momsFind us on Instagram hereWatch the podcast on YouTube hereDownload a free e-book, Worried Sick: A Compassionate Guide For Parents When Your Teen or Young Adult Child Misuses Drugs and AlcoholHopestream Community is a registered 501(c)3 nonprofit organization and an Amazon Associate. We may make a small commission if you purchase from our links.

Lynn, an active member of the Hopestream community, joined the episode to share what she has lived through with her oldest son — now in his mid-twenties — who was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder following what she believes was THC-induced psychosis. Her son had been diagnosed with ADHD in third grade, was a bright and energetic kid, and began using substances in high school. By the time he was away at college, his use had escalated significantly.

When he returned home, the household became volatile. Lynn described extreme emotional sensitivity, explosive reactions to small things, holes in walls, and a painful push-pull dynamic where her son would say devastating things and then come back with love and apologies. She spent a long time trying to figure out whether what she was seeing was his ADHD, normal teenage behavior, or something else entirely.

'I was constantly like, is this his mental health? Is this normal for other families? Like, I just didn't know. He's always been my hard kid.' — Lynn

The clearest sign that something more serious was happening came when her son began having conversations with himself — aggressive, pacing conversations in the backyard. Later, during a period when he was homeless and had gone without sleep for about three days, he called and told her he could not speak openly because 'they' were listening. He was eventually diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder at a mental health-focused residential program. At the time of this episode, he had been in treatment for eight or nine months and had just stepped down to a lower level of care.

When asked what she had learned that she would pass along to other parents, Lynn said the biggest shift for her was in how she listens.

'I honestly don't think I was a very good listener. And I oftentimes would listen with my own agenda, and I think being way more open-minded, just, like, really trying to put myself in his shoes has changed our conversations. It's allowed me to let go of control, which I never had in the first place.' — Lynn

Dr. David Rowe, Director of Neuropsychology at United Assessments, helped clarify what parents are actually observing when they see psychotic symptoms. He pushed back on the idea that psychosis only looks like dramatic hallucinations — the cinematic version most people picture from movies.

Psychosis exists on a spectrum, he explained, and can include paranoia, suspiciousness, delusional beliefs, feeling detached from reality, and — at the more severe end — hearing voices or seeing things others do not see. He described psychosis as essentially a rejection of the outside world and a strong belief in one's internal world.

'If you believe that someone is out to get you, your conviction in that belief is indicative of the severity of that psychotic level of thinking.' — Dr. David Rowe

Dr. Rowe also stressed that this can become a medical emergency. Parents sometimes assume a young person is just high or just being dramatic, but if someone is experiencing hallucinations, severe paranoia to the point of delusion, or a break from reality, he said that warrants an immediate medical evaluation.

Stefan Bate, who has been working in substance use treatment for about 18 years and is co-CEO of Jay Walker Lodge, was emphatic on this point: what is being sold today should not even be called marijuana. It is, in his words, an engineered THC product.

'Fast-forward, you know, as we sit here today, marijuana flower is now 20-plus percent. The THC products that you can get can be upwards to 90% THC. That is an incredible amount of increase in how much drug is in your system. That on top of you can use it all day without anyone knowing.' — Stefan Bate

He walked through the combination of factors that make the current landscape so different from what previous generations encountered: dramatically higher potency, much easier access due to legalization, and delivery systems — vapes, gummies, wax, concentrates — that are discreet, flavorful, and allow a young person to be exposed to high-potency THC all day long without anyone knowing. He pointed out that the same product innovation that happens in any industry once it becomes legal and commercialized has happened here, driven by a multi-billion dollar industry.

Stefan also noted that in his treatment setting, whereas 15 years into the field he might have seen two or three people per group who had experienced some level of drug-induced psychosis — usually from stimulants — today it is nearly every client who uses THC who has experienced or is still dealing with some level of ongoing psychosis.

Both Dr. Rowe and Stefan Bate described why young brains are especially vulnerable. Dr. Rowe explained that the systems responsible for judgment, impulse control, emotion regulation, and reality testing are all still developing in adolescence and young adulthood, and THC interferes with those developing neural pathways.

Stefan described where cannabinoid receptors live in the brain: the prefrontal cortex, which governs executive functioning, concentration, and regulation; the hippocampus, which handles memory and processing; and the amygdala, which handles emotional regulation. When a young person is using high-potency THC all day, all three of those areas are being affected simultaneously. He described the results as a noticeable drop in working IQ, concentration, memory, and processing speed, along with an inability to understand what is happening emotionally.

He used a striking analogy to describe the difference between a 40-year-old using these products versus a 14-year-old:

'When I am 13, my prefrontal cortex is not formed... And my brain is very susceptible to experience. Now I'm taking a 90% potency THC substance. That is like we are, you know, dropping a boulder from the Empire State Building into a pond.' — Stefan Bate

Stefan also made a point directly to parents who themselves use THC products and feel conflicted about asking their child to stop. His response was that the conversation is not about the substance in the abstract — it is about what is happening in that specific person's life: the drop in functioning, the disappearing relationships, the self-esteem, the paranoia. Those are consequences the parent is not experiencing, and that is the distinction.

Dr. Rowe described neuropsychological testing as a way to bring concrete, empirical data to a situation that can otherwise feel impossibly nebulous. Testing can help identify what is driving the bus — whether it is the substance use, the mental health, a combination — and can give a family a roadmap.

He addressed a common misconception: young people do not need to be 30 days sober before being tested. They should not be actively intoxicated during the testing itself, but waiting for full sobriety is not a requirement. He also confirmed that testing can be done remotely, with research showing the results are the same regardless of administration method, and that some people actually do better remotely because they are more comfortable in their own environment.

For parents wondering how to raise the idea with a resistant young person, Dr. Rowe offered two approaches depending on the child: pitch it as a chance to get a full picture of their strengths and what is working for them, or — for someone who insists everything is fine — frame it as an opportunity to prove it. He described this as assessment as intervention, where the data itself can help a young person gain insight they might not otherwise be willing to seek.

'Relationships remain one of the most powerful protective factors in a young person's life. Even when you can't control the outcome, you can continue to strengthen connection, and connection creates opportunities for healing, for influence, for hope.' — Dr. David Rowe

One of the most common scenarios parents face is taking away a substance — a vape pen, pills, alcohol, weed — only to have the situation escalate rapidly. Kids may become aggressive, threaten to hurt themselves, or say things that are genuinely frightening. Brenda and Cathy are clear that the first self-coaching question in any of these moments is the same: am I safe right now?

'If they will not calm down and will not leave, then you have to leave. We would always rather have them leave, right? 'Cause your home is kind of your sanctuary. But if you have to, you have to.' — Brenda Zane

Getting physical distance — even just stepping outside or going to another room — can allow things to de-escalate. Calling someone to have another person on the line, even just to help you breathe and talk through what is happening, can also help. And if your child has been to treatment before, Cathy noted that role-modeling your own coping tools — like saying out loud that you need a few minutes to breathe — can actually invite them to do the same.

This is described as one of the hardest situations parents face. When you hold a boundary and do not rescue your child, you may watch them end up in the hospital, in jail, or in other painful situations. Cathy was honest about her own history of bailing her son out, and what it cost her.

'I knew I was robbing him of the opportunity to grow and to learn, but I kept doing it because it was easier on me to not have to feel the ick that I felt when I let him suffer the natural consequences. So it was on me. Like it was 100% on me.' — Cathy Cioth

The self-coaching questions here are: does my decision align with my values? And: am I rescuing my child, or am I helping them avoid natural consequences? Cathy and Brenda both shared that people in recovery frequently say the turning point came when their parents stopped making things easier. Brenda put it simply: 'The data is in.'

Suicide threats used as negotiation — to get money, avoid a consequence, or pressure a parent — are something many families in the community experience. The advice Cathy and Brenda share, which they say comes from professionals they have worked with, is unambiguous: always take it seriously, every time, no matter how many times you have heard it.

Calling 911 is the recommended response even when you believe it is a manipulation tactic, because it sends a clear message that this is not an acceptable strategy — and because parents in their community have found, after calling, that the threat was more serious than they thought.

Beyond the safety question, the related self-coaching question is: am I taking this personally? Cathy described it this way — you are the first ring around the stone thrown in the lake. You feel everything first. But the person saying these things is a hurting human being trying to get what they need, and what is coming out of their mouth is often the substance speaking, not your child.

With this episode airing in summer, Brenda and Cathy addressed a timely question: should you bring your child who is in active use on a family vacation? Both had tried it. Neither recommended it without serious advance planning.

'We have this vision of how things used to be when the family was all together on vacation. We want that desperately, not just for our kid who's struggling, but also for their siblings.' — Brenda Zane

The self-coaching questions here are: have you communicated your expectations and boundaries around behavior in advance? And: what are your own expectations — are you bringing them for appearances' sake? Cathy noted that it is okay to simply say 'it didn't work out for her to come this time' without a full explanation. Getting creative — like one parent taking the siblings on a trip while the other stays home — may serve everyone better than forcing an experience that is likely to fall apart.

Running through every scenario is the impact on the rest of the family. Siblings often feel like second-class citizens. Partners drift into living like roommates. Cathy was transparent that she and her husband were 'not very good at this' and that she carried enormous guilt about doing anything enjoyable while her son was struggling.

The self-coaching question for siblings is simple: what can I do today to let them know they are seen and loved? It does not have to be an outing. It can be a hug, eye contact, and saying 'I see you. This is really hard.' The same approach applies to a partner. As Brenda put it — wash, rinse, repeat. A short walk, a note, undivided attention without phones. Small things matter.

'There is no expiration date on using your skills. So if it takes you three days to get it together, to talk to your coach, to come join us in the community and start sorting it out, that's okay.' — Brenda Zane

And finally — these self-coaching questions are not about finding your child's dealer, going through their phone, or figuring out the perfect consequence. They are about grounding yourself so that when you do respond, you respond in a way that is calm, clear, and aligned with what you actually value.

Brenda and Cathy open this episode by acknowledging something deeply painful: a child of one of the moms in their community had recently passed away as a result of complications from substance use. They were honest about their hesitation to share it, not wanting to add to the trauma parents already carry or to use fear as a motivator. But they decided to talk about it anyway, because, as Brenda put it, 'this is reality. This is a situation that our kids are in. They have a life-threatening illness.'

Cathy spoke personally about the family, noting that they had done everything possible with grace and beauty, and that the young man knew he was loved. She reflected on a broader truth she has witnessed in families who have experienced this kind of loss:

'I think they could say pretty confidently that their relationship with their child was beautiful, and the fact that their child knew how much they loved and cared for them.' — Cathy Cioth

This young man had been to treatment and sober living, and Cathy was direct about what that means: treatment is not a guaranteed fix. 'Sometimes it doesn't,' she said, referring to recovery holding. 'Sometimes there are complications from the actual substance.' Brenda added that parents are arriving for help with children who are far more acute than they used to be — not at a four or five on a scale of difficulty, but at a nine, a 9.5, or beyond.

Both Brenda and Cathy were clear that they are not speaking from a position of having gotten it right themselves. 'Brenda and I aren't sitting here saying you need to do this,' Cathy said. 'We also have been there.' But Cathy's son, now in sobriety, told her something that shifted her perspective entirely:

'Mom, it just prolonged my pain.' — Cathy Cioth, quoting her son

A significant portion of the conversation focused on high-potency THC, which both hosts say is now at the center of nearly every conversation they have with treatment professionals. 'I would say the majority of our conversations are all about high-potency THC and the devastating impact it's having on their kids' mental health,' Brenda said.

They described how today's THC landscape is different — teens are using vape pens constantly throughout the day, not occasionally. And what's in those pens is often a synthetic, lab-grown version of THC, not naturally grown marijuana flower. Cathy described how the adolescent brain is particularly vulnerable, and how the substance can act like a finger pulling the trigger for a child who already has a mental health condition — even one that hasn't been diagnosed yet.

She also described the trap kids fall into: the substance helps at first, so they use more. Then it stops working, they need more to get the same effect, and eventually they can't stop because they feel sick without it. 'That can be a slippery slope very quickly,' Cathy said. 'Like months, not years.'

Brenda introduced the topic of vicarious trauma — not what parents carry from the helping professions, but what their children are absorbing from the world around them. 'If you're having a hard time understanding why your child's behaviors make sense,' she said, 'their behaviors do make sense.'

She listed the things happening around kids that parents often don't see: bullying happening entirely on phones, sextortion, violence and sexual assaults in school bathrooms, school shootings, friends overdosing — fatally or not — suicidality among peers, and self-harm. Kids don't bring these things to their parents, Brenda said, because they know how their parents are likely to react. And the phone makes it worse: even if none of this is happening in a child's school directly, they are watching it happen somewhere, on a device in their hand.

'If it's not happening in their school, they are watching it happen on their telephone. It is a little like a handheld violence machine.' — Brenda Zane

Both Cathy and Brenda were honest that they avoided hard conversations for a long time — not out of indifference, but because they didn't know how to have them without a blowup. Cathy described the impulse to react: 'I couldn't understand why it never worked, but I loved to pick up the rope, because I felt like I had to.'

Picking up the rope — yelling, negotiating, blaming, shaming — is tug-of-war, and it doesn't move anything forward. The alternative they described is to pause on yourself rather than telling the child to calm down. Say something like: 'I need a break. I am not going to be able to talk to you in a way that's really conducive to going anywhere right now, and I see you're hurting. Just give me some time. I will get back to you on this.'

The episode closes with a reflection from a former community host who lost his own son. He told Cathy: think about the next time you see your child, and think about the words that come out of your mouth as if they are the last ones your child will ever hear from you. 'If these were the last words that went into their ears,' Brenda said, 'would you feel good about that?'

Episode 331

When Beth Hillman's son came home from wilderness treatment, the first crisis didn’t come from him. It came from her. Standing in the driveway, anxious and spiraling, she watched her teenage son look at her calmly and say, "Mom, look at me. I'm gonna be okay." Her first thought was not relief. It was, oh! I’m in big trouble.

Her son had come home with more access to his thinking brain than she had. He also came home to a mother who had not yet done her own work and was carrying expectations she could not even name. When he finally told her, "Mom, your expectations of how this is gonna go are going to wreck me," Beth had to get honest about what she was really asking of him.

Today Beth is a double certified life and parent coach, host of the Parenting Post-Wilderness podcast, and a familiar voice in our community, where she leads sessions and groups for parents in the fragile season after treatment.

In this conversation, we get real about the first 90 days after a child comes home, from both sides. Why kids may agree to everything just to get home, why pushback on a home plan might be the best sign you can get, and what your child is actually walking back into when they return to the house where the holes in the doors are. Beth names the piece most home plans are missing, and I think it will change how you prepare.

If your child is coming home from treatment soon, or is already home and wobbling, this episode was made for you.

YOU’LL LEARN:

EPISODE RESOURCES:

This podcast is part of a nonprofit called Hopestream CommunityLearn about The Stream, our private online community for momsFind us on Instagram hereWatch the podcast on YouTube hereDownload a free e-book, Worried Sick: A Compassionate Guide For Parents When Your Teen or Young Adult Child Misuses Drugs and Alcohol

Hopestream Community is a registered 501(c)3 nonprofit organization and an Amazon Associate. We may make a small commission if you purchase from our links.

Episode 330

ABOUT THE EPISODE:

There are days in this journey when the weight of it all becomes almost too much to carry. You are still showing up, still trying, still breathing through a kind of pain most people around you will never fully understand. A few years ago, I sat down and wrote something for you, for the mom and the dad and the grandparent in the thick of it, and I tucked it away. Today I pulled it back out.

This piece first appeared on Insight Timer, and it became the most-listened-to content there. I dusted it off because I needed something creative, and because I believe these words may land with where you are today. The world I recorded it in and the community we are now are not so different, and what I felt then, I still feel now.

This is not an interview. There is no guest, no framework, no five-step plan. It is just me, speaking out loud the things I wanted every struggling parent to hear in a heavy moment.

In this episode I ask you to set down, just for a few minutes, the weight you have been carrying. Not forever. Not in denial. Just long enough to breathe, to remember who you are outside of this fight, and to hear something true: this is not your whole life. You are still in there. And you are stronger than this feels right now.

If you are exhausted and need someone to remind you that you are not alone, this one is for you.EPISODE RESOURCES:

This podcast is part of a nonprofit called Hopestream CommunityLearn about The Stream, our private online community for momsFind us on Instagram hereWatch the podcast on YouTube hereDownload a free e-book, Worried Sick: A Compassionate Guide For Parents When Your Teen or Young Adult Child Misuses Drugs and AlcoholHopestream Community is a registered 501(c)3 nonprofit organization and an Amazon Associate. We may make a small commission if you purchase from our links.

If you have been watching your child blow up their life and wondering why nothing reaches them, this episode will change how you see what is happening inside them. Brenda Zane's son Enzo Narciso -- founder of Life Strategies Mentors and a young man who survived two fentanyl overdoses -- returns to the podcast with something specific: the things kids who are actively struggling cannot say to their parents but wish they could.

Enzo opens with a story told by Rabbi Adam Tversky: a man at a river says he loves fish -- yet what he actually does is trick the fish, drag it from its home, and eat it. The question lands: do you love the fish, or do you love yourself?

For parents, the parable is not an accusation -- it is an invitation to ask whether their expectations for their child are about the child or about the parent's own need to feel okay. Unconditional love and conditional approval are different things. When a kid reads the signals and concludes that parental love depends on performance, something quietly breaks.

'If you love the fish and you love to fish so much, you would go to the river and you would enjoy the view of the fish passing by, and you would throw some food into the river and feed them and let them enjoy their life.' — Enzo Narciso

Enzo recently mentored a young man and asked him: if there were one thing you could tell your parents, what would it be? The answer stopped him. The kid said: I'm trying. Enzo recognized it instantly as the same thing he would have said during his own worst years.

From a parent's vantage point, a teenager using fentanyl and Xanax does not look like someone trying -- they look like someone self-destructing. But from inside that brain, something different is happening. They have found the one domain where they get consistent signals that they are good at something -- belonging, reinforcement, a sense of being valued.

'I'm sorry that my way is not the way that you guys want, but I'm trying something, and I just don't know.' — Enzo Narciso

That is not a defense of the choices. It is a window into the experience. And for a parent who has been certain their child is not even trying, it is a window worth stepping up to.

Enzo describes himself as patient zero for ADHD, and draws a direct line between an unmedicated ADHD brain and the pull toward substances. The ADHD brain is already low in dopamine. When a substance arrives and floods that system, the experience is not the same mild pleasure a neurotypical person might feel -- it is an overwhelming sense of finally feeling right. The reinforcement is instant, massive, and real.

This is why warnings don't land. The part of the adolescent brain that projects into the future is not yet developed. A parent can say until exhausted that this will end badly -- the kid genuinely cannot see it. ADHD impulsivity on top of an undeveloped prefrontal cortex makes even the most logical argument nearly impossible to absorb.

Dr. Gabor Mate's book Scattered Minds and Dr. Russell Barkley's YouTube channel can help parents understand what is actually happening in their child's brain -- and stop interpreting it as defiance or moral failure.

Enzo describes a concept that reframed everything for Brenda. Adolescents are subconsciously aware that their parents are from a different generation and will die before them. The brain assigns lower weight to parental guidance -- not out of disrespect, but out of a primal drive to gather input from people who will walk alongside them for the rest of their lives.

People who are slightly ahead in age -- a cousin, a mentor, a near-stranger who has been through something similar -- carry a naturally higher weighting. When Enzo was at his worst, he would not listen to his mother. But he would go have coffee with a mentor. It was not a failure of Brenda's relationship with him. It was biology.

For parents who have tried everything, understanding this dynamic removes the sting of rejection and opens a practical door: finding a mentor who has been through it and come out the other side can reach a kid in a way that no parent, no matter how loving or skilled, can fully replicate.

When Brenda asks what single skill made the biggest difference, Enzo's answer is immediate: mindfulness. Not as a wellness trend, but as the ability to step outside a moment, become a third-person observer, and ask whether this is actually an emergency or whether the spiral in his head is outrunning reality.

That skill came flooding back when he was learning to walk again after his overdose. Everything absorbed in wilderness therapy and programs -- seemingly rejected for years -- was still there. The investments parents make in treatment are not wasted. The concepts stay, waiting for the moment the door opens from the inside.

There are moments in this journey when your coach isn't available, your therapist can't be reached, and the community is quiet. It is just you and whatever is unfolding in your relationship with your child, and you need a way through. In this solo episode, Brenda Zane distills a year of thinking into ten self-coaching questions drawn from CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training) and the Invitation to Change approach — questions designed to help parents examine their own role, interrupt unhelpful patterns, and become a more effective agent of change.

CRAFT and the Invitation to Change both ask parents to look at the whole family system, not just the child. That means examining your own responses, beliefs, and behaviors as contributing variables. This is not about blame; it is about locating the lever you actually control. As Brenda puts it, these questions are uncomfortable on purpose — if they sting a little, they are working.

'What is my role in some of the problems that my child is facing? ITC asks us as parents to look at our own behavior as part of the system, not just our child's behavior.' — Brenda Zane

Starting here — with question number one — sets the tone: am I contributing to the dysfunction, or am I helping to calm and regulate it? That single question can shift a parent's entire orientation.

Questions two and three address one of the most concrete and actionable CRAFT skills: removing positive reinforcers for use and allowing natural consequences to land. CRAFT research is explicit that most parents dramatically under-reinforce positive behavior and over-respond to negative behavior. At the same time, shielding a child from the natural fallout of their choices — out of love, out of fear of their reaction, or because the parent cannot bear to watch — removes the very feedback loop that motivates change.

Question four takes a different angle: do you understand the underlying reason your child is using? Brenda uses the hot stove analogy — people do not touch hot stoves unless they are getting something from it. Drawing on Gabor Maté's framing, the question is not “why the addiction” but “why the pain” — and mapping those triggers is the foundation of CRAFT's functional analysis.

Questions five through seven turn the mirror more directly on parent behavior. Am I modeling the behavior I want to see? CRAFT includes specific guidance on your behavior as a lever because children watch what their parents do, not what they say. Emotional regulation, distress tolerance, willingness to try new things, engagement in your own life — all of it is visible to a child, even one who looks entirely distracted.

'Your child is watching and they will do what you do, not what you say to do.' — Brenda Zane

Question six surfaces a well-researched CRAFT principle: positive reinforcement for non-using behavior. What gets rewarded gets repeated. The shift from a home environment dominated by negativity, tension, and reactivity to one where positive behaviors are noticed and named is not soft — it is evidence-based. Question seven asks whether you are picking up the rope in emotional tug-of-war, and what you are doing to stay calm and respond with intention instead of reacting.

Questions eight and nine address the interior work that makes all the external tools possible. Acceptance — not approval, not resignation, but the willingness to see clearly where you actually are — is a prerequisite for effective action in both CRAFT and motivational interviewing. You cannot use CRAFT tools effectively if you are bargaining with reality about where your child is.

Question nine asks whether you have neglected your own wellbeing by attaching yourself entirely to your child's struggle. Brenda draws a clear line between self-care (a practice for when the boat is mostly stable) and self-preservation (what you do when the boat is tipping). CRAFT treats caregiver self-care as a clinical necessity, not a luxury — there is an entire module dedicated to it, and research shows that caregiver burnout directly undermines the consistency required to help someone with a substance use disorder.

The tenth question is perhaps the hardest: am I able to separate my identity from my child's, or have I lost myself in their story? It is very common for parents to become what Brenda calls “addicted to their child's addiction” — all brain space, all soul, all spirit consumed by the child's struggle. Your child is not your report card. Enmeshment — the “talking in the we” pattern — can feel like devotion but actually reinforces the fusion that makes it harder for both parent and child to move forward.

Used together and revisited regularly, these ten questions give parents a structured way to do the self-examination that CRAFT and the Invitation to Change ask of us — even on the days when no one else is available to help.