Hops and Box Office Flops

Stone Cold is a perfect piece of 90s cinema. It's hyper-masculine, nonsensical schlock; and it is glorious.

Starring Brian Bosworth—a stud linebacker from Oklahoma University whose injuries derailed his NFL career—Stone Cold chronicles one man's struggle to bring a gang of degenerate bikers to justice. Yes, it is as awesome as it sounds. And it's just entertaining enough that one wonders why Bosworth didn't become more of a thing.

After all, the 80s and 90s were littered with sub-par action films and actors. He had the build, and though he wasn't exactly overflowing with charisma, he still oozed enough cool with his ridiculous haircut/earring combo to warrant better work than he got after this.

He also managed not to die of laughter when filming some of the lunacy this film entailed. Lance Henricksen, who chews every piece of scenery he's in as Chains, even adds a layer of legitimacy to the proceedings. Frankly, for this to only have grossed $9.1 million on a budget of $25 million is a crime. Its poor reviews are also nonsense.

Come on, people! How many movies do we get to see William Forsythe in a leather vest with no shirt underneath!?

Now sit back, do some target practice with an Icehouse, and burn some rubber! I, the Thunderous Wizard (@WriterTLK), Capt. Cash, and Chumpzilla are going deep undercover to bring down a group of badass bikers and slang some P2P!

This Week’s Segments:

• Introduction/Plot Breakdown – The Brotherhood of Bikers demands vengeance. Only one man can stop them... John Stone! (00:00)

And, as always, hit us up on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram to check out all the interesting factoids—the legend of the Boz and more—from this week’s episode!

You can find this episode of Hops and Box Office Flops on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Stitcher, Podbean, Spotify, Acast, TuneIn, iHeartRadio, Vurbl, and Amazon Music!

Kill the Irishman chronicles the life and turbulent times of Danny Greene, a tough Irishman who gets involved with the Cleveland mafia.

As far as gangster flicks go, it's not half-bad; but that also means it's generally half-good. That's because it's a relatively unfocused look at a rather complicated and violent life. It honestly feels like there's a good 30 minutes of connective tissue missing from the movie.

Hence why Kill the Irishman is never equal to the sum of its parts. Sure, we get appearances from great actors like Val Kilmer, Christopher Walken, and Paul Sorvino. They are just given nothing to do.

Greene, who's played by admirably by Ray Stevenson, had an incredibly compelling story to tell. It's a shame that director and screenwriter Jonathan Hensleigh didn't quite know how to do it. This is probably why it never gained much of a following and tanked at the box office. It earned a measly $1.2 million on a budget of $12 million.

Despite all that, Kill the Irishman is not without its merits. And fans of gangster movies, like myself, will find elements to enjoy. For example, Greene punching in the face of a biker who hosts parties at decibel levels discourteous to the neighbors. Honestly, he had it coming.

Now sit back, blow the caps off a couple Conway's Irish Ales from Great Lakes Brewing Co., and check under your car before firing up the engine! I, the Thunderous Wizard (@WriterTLK), Capt. Cash, Mayor McCheese, and Chumpzilla are defying death by harnessing the power of the Celtic warriors!

This Week’s Segments:

• Introduction/Plot Breakdown – Is that all you got? Gonna take more than a few firecrackers to kill Danny Greene! (00:00)

And, as always, hit us up on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram to check out all the interesting factoids—the true story of Danny Greene and more—from this week’s episode!

You can find this episode of Hops and Box Office Flops on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Stitcher, Podbean, Spotify, Acast, TuneIn, iHeartRadio, Vurbl, and Amazon Music!

Striking Distance is a fairly stereotypical 90s cop movie, but with a twist: Bruce Willis' hairline! From scene to scene it shifts dramatically.

Balding Bruce, which we must assume is the Bruce from the original shooting, transforms into toupee Bruce multiple times throughout the movie—sometimes from one cut to the next. It's astounding.

The wig—despite its omnipresence—is not the hook of the film, though. Striking Distance follows the downward trajectory of former homicide detective Tom Hardy. He's now a river rescue cop.

Why? Well, he sold out his partner, and was shunned by the other boys in blue.  Ok, but what's the rest of the movie about? Oh, there's also a serial killer—the Polish Hill Strangler—who murders girls and dumps them in rivers.

Yes, this movie is a hot mess; and was apparently also one behind-the-scenes. Hence, it was drowned by critics (17% on Rotten Tomatoes with 24 reviews); and died hard at the box office, grossing just $24 million domestically ($77 million worldwide) on a budget of $30 million.

Willis—who was such an a-hole on set that he was dubbed "Orson Willis"—disowned Striking Distance in the early 2000s. The wig, however, still feels its his finest performance.

Now sit back, toss back a few Iron City Lights from Pittsburgh Brewing Co., and be on the lookout for barge pirates! I, the Thunderous Wizard (@WriterTLK), Capt. Cash, Mayor McCheese, and Chumpzilla are vying for the title of "best cop"!

This Week’s Segments:

• Introduction/Plot Breakdown – They shouldn't have put him in the water, if they didn't want him to make waves! (00:00)

And, as always, hit us up on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram to check out all the interesting factoids—the slew of behind-the-scenes issues and more—from this week’s episode!

You can find this episode of Hops and Box Office Flops on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Stitcher, Podbean, Spotify, Acast, TuneIn, iHeartRadio, Vurbl, and Amazon Music!

Road House is everything an action movie should be. Its premise is over the top, its plot is utterly nonsensical, and none of the people involved seem to be aware of it.

Starring Patrick Swayze, who was fresh off of Dirty Dancing, Road House presents the all too relatable plot of: What if you're a doorman in a small town run by a vengeful crook? Well, if you're Dalton (Swayze), you beat the snot out of a lot of people while wearing pleated pants and billowy linen shirts.

That's Road House in a nut shell. Brad Wesley—played by a scenery chewing Ben Gazzara—makes it his personal mission to destroy Dalton's life, as well as the Double Deuce's business prospects. Why? Who the hell knows. And it's better to just not ask.

We're here to watch Dalton and his mentor Wade Garrett (Sam Elliot) dish out beatings to Wesley's cronies. And Road House relishes delivering them!

So sit back, chug a Busch Beer, and dance on a table! I, the Thunderous Wizard (@WriterTLK), Capt. Cash, and Chumpzilla are being nice up until it's time to rip out some throats!

This Week’s Segments:

• Introduction/Plot Breakdown – The dancing is over. Now, it gets dirty! (00:00)

And, as always, hit us up on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram to check out all the interesting factoids—the potential remake of Road House and more—from this week’s episode!

You can find this episode of Hops and Box Office Flops on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Stitcher, Podbean, Spotify, Acast, TuneIn, iHeartRadio, Vurbl, and Amazon Music!

Deadbeat at Dawn is essentially a student film. Jim Van Bebber, Chumpzilla's childhood neighbor, dropped out of college and used his student loans to fund it. It's unapologetic exploitation cinema from the warped mind of Van Bebber, and it is glorious.

It's violent, obscene, odd, overwritten, and surprisingly boasts action scenes that outshine crap we've done on the pod from far more expensive movies. It's sort of shocking how well done some of it is.

Thus, there's no denying that Deadbeat at Dawn, which cost roughly $10,000, does display Van Bebber's talent. That said, it is also just sort of a bizarre mishmash of better films—Death Wish and The Warriors, for example.

But, hey, you could watch those, but neither of them feature Bone Crusher! He hates people, man; and he doesn't give a shit about nothing!

So sit back, smash a Miller High Life over Danny's head, and grab your nunchuks! I, the Thunderous Wizard (@WriterTLK), Capt. Cash, Mayor McCheese, and Chumpzilla are rumbling with the Spiders at the old cemetery!

This Week’s Segments:

• Introduction/Plot Breakdown – He quit the gangs. They killed his girl. He became ... Deadbeat at Dawn! (00:00)

And, as always, hit us up on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram to check out all the interesting factoids—the legend of Jim Van Bebber and more—from this week’s episode!

You can find this episode of Hops and Box Office Flops on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Stitcher, Podbean, Spotify, Acast, TuneIn, iHeartRadio, Vurbl, and Amazon Music!

The Matrix Resurrections ushers us back into the false and hollow reality that is the Matrix. It's been 18 years since we've entered the virtual dystopia. And the last time we were thrust into its oppressive confines, the results were less than stellar.

1999's original two sequels sort of divided general audiences. The visuals and exceptional stunts were still there, but the message was lost in translation.

As for The Matrix Resurrections, it is not the hit the first one was, but it's certainly not the other two either. It goes back more to the basics, centering the story around the inextricable bond between Neo (Keanu Reeves) and Trinity (Carrie-Anne Moss).

This, of course, is surrounded by biting and often effective musings about the state of studio cinema, the emergent dangers of the online landscape, and the penchant for too many among us to never question the evils they are being spoon fed.

Twenty-two years on, it turns out, not much has changed for the better. And though Lana Wachowski's message has shifted to recognize its inspirations own metamorphosis, there still isn't all that much new here.

The fight choreography—fun in spurts—lags behind its predecessors and the overall conceit can never match the highs of when it first debuted.

Yet despite its flaws, The Matrix Resurrections is still a trip down the (white) rabbit hole well worth taking. There just aren't many $190 million movies willing to defy audience expectations and be as unabashedly forward as this film is.

Hence, it's time to fly! So sit back, follow the Red Hare to some 2Hazy5 IPA, and free your mind! I, the Thunderous Wizard (@WriterTLK), Capt. Cash, and Chumpzilla are grappling with the awesomeness of knowing Kung Fu!

This Week’s Segments:

• Introduction/Plot Breakdown – After 18 years, Lana Wachowski returns with a deeply personal story within the world she helped create. (00:00)

• Spoiler warning: 27:08–48:48.

And, as always, hit us up on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram to check out all the interesting factoids—why certain actors didn't return and more—from this week’s episode!

You can find this episode of Hops and Box Office Flops on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Stitcher, Podbean, Spotify, Acast, TuneIn, iHeartRadio, Vurbl, and Amazon Music!

End of Days was Arnold Schwarzenegger's triumphant return to the big screen after a two-year hiatus. Suffice to say, it was an odd choice of comebacks.

End of Days centers around Satan's quest to bring about, well, the end of days by consummating his relationship with the woman destined to be the mother of his child.

It certainly has action scenes, but it's more religious horror than anything else—unfamiliar fare for Arnold. The fisticuffs and shooting it does contain are a little underwhelming, as are its scarier elements.

Basically, the film has an identity crisis, so despite my love for it—which I admit is rooted deeply in it being a guilty pleasure—it was not well received upon its release.

End of Days was ravaged by critics. It sits at 11% on Rotten Tomatoes with 102 reviews; and although it had a box office haul of $212 million worldwide (only $66.9 million domestically), its hefty $100 million price tag hurt its chances of being a hit.

But, hey, it's Arnold going toe-to-toe with the Antichrist! So sit back, drink to forget with some 805 from Firestone Walker Brewing, and get ready to dance with the Devil! I, the Thunderous Wizard (@WriterTLK), Mayor McCheese, and Chumpzilla are fist-fighting Satan's goon squad in the rain-soaked streets of NYC!

This Week’s Segments:

• Introduction/Plot Breakdown – Arnold versus Satan? Sounds like a win to me! (00:00)

And, as always, hit us up on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram to check out all the interesting factoids—the glut of Devil-related movies in this time period and more—from this week’s episode!

You can find this episode of Hops and Box Office Flops on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Stitcher, Podbean, Spotify, Acast, TuneIn, iHeartRadio, Vurbl, and Amazon Music!

8-Bit Christmas chronicles a boy's quest to get a Nintendo Entertainment System (NES) for Christmas in 1988. That plot evokes memories of both A Christmas Story—which it clearly pays homage to—and How I Met Your Mother—a show also starring one Neil Patrick Harris.

As a more modern take on the familiar tale of a child's quest to attain what his parents are reluctant to get, 8-Bit Christmas doesn't feel entirely fresh; but that doesn't make it any less fun or nostalgic for those who grew up grinding away on the NES.

This is a film built for kids of the 80s. Yet it also has a spirit of adventure sure to please the younger crowd. Its reviews—81% on Rotten Tomatoes with 27 of them—point to those attributes.

That said, this movie won't be for everybody. It certainly wasn't everyone on the podcast's cup of tea. But, unlike the Power Glove, it doesn't suck. And who doesn't love shopping mall hijinks, projectile vomiting, and using Billy Ripken as a crucial plot point?

Now sit back, reminisce over a couple of O'Fallon Dad's Oatmeal Cookie Stouts, and ready player two! I, the Thunderous Wizard (@WriterTLK), Capt. Cash, and Chumpzilla are buying black market Cabbage Patch Kids to appease our children!

This Week’s Segments:

• Introduction/Plot Breakdown – An epic quest for an NES? What's not to like? (00:00)

And, as always, hit us up on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram to check out all the interesting factoids—a boat load of NES trivia and more—from this week’s episode!

You can find this episode of Hops and Box Office Flops on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Stitcher, Podbean, Spotify, Acast, TuneIn, iHeartRadio, Vurbl, and Amazon Music!

Out Cold is like someone spliced Caddyshack and Mallrats. In principle, that sounds awesome, right?

Well, unfortunately, that's more in terms of concept—a group of shiftless park rats bumming around their place of work—and the presence of a London brother. In Out Cold, it's Jason, rather than Jeremy.

I guess there's slightly more to it. They do have to save their fledgling ski resort from an evil corporate stooge, John Majors (played by the legendary Lee Majors, how clever). And there's a baffling love triangle that makes less than a semblance of sense.

If this sounds too harsh, I apologize. After all, this wonderful film does contain a polar bear licking salt off someone's balls; that same someone having sex with a whirlpool jet; and a mechanical bull appearing to climax during a rough ride. I'd say the 90s were a lawless time, but this came out in 2001.

Anyway, sit back, chug some Christmas Ale from Great Lakes Brewing Co., and hit the slopes! I, the Thunderous Wizard (@WriterTLK), Mayor McCheese, Capt. Cash, and Chumpzilla are shredding some fresh gnar sans pants to determine who's King of the Mountain!

This Week’s Segments:

• Introduction/Plot Breakdown – Snowboards, female objectification, dated jokes, and booze. (00:00)

And, as always, hit us up on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram to check out all the interesting factoids from this week’s episode!

You can find this episode of Hops and Box Office Flops on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Stitcher, Podbean, Spotify, Acast, TuneIn, iHeartRadio, Vurbl, and Amazon Music!

Home Sweet Home Alone is the epitome of a lazy, soulless rehash; and, quite frankly, it is the antithesis of how you leverage a valuable IP.

Disney should be ashamed. With their abundance of resources, they trotted out not only one of the worst films of the year, it's one of the worst of the decade. Home Sweet Home Alone is never funny. It is quite often painful, though, and that's not including the myriad of death traps the "burglars" are forced to endure.

I use quotes because the "antagonists" are anything but that. They're actually just a struggling family attempting to retrieve a priceless doll they believe to be stolen. Thus, instead of relishing in the pain of two would-be felons, you are essentially tasked with laughing at two broke parents. Hooray!

Not really, this whole endeavor is about as bad as taking a bag of sugar to the privates or a well-aimed pool ball to the cranium.

Hence, to watch it, you must drink. So sit back, knock down a few Big Shanty Graham Cracker Stouts from Burnt Hickory Brewing, and prime the dart gun! I, the Thunderous Wizard (@WriterTLK), Mayor McCheese, and Chumpzilla are avoiding that little jerk's boobytraps!

This Week’s Segments:

• Introduction/Plot Breakdown – This movie is an absolute travesty. (00:00)

And, as always, hit us up on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram to check out all the interesting factoids—why this clown show happened and more—from this week’s episode!

You can find this episode of Hops and Box Office Flops on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Stitcher, Podbean, Spotify, Acast, TuneIn, iHeartRadio, Vurbl, and Amazon Music!