Music: Majestic Nature by Craig Stuart Garfinkle

Artwork by Steve English

The script:

Episode 26 - The ‘Place’

Suddenly, Eller’s senses were awash with feelings she’d almost given up hope of ever experiencing again. How long she’d sat in that penetrating, all-encompassing blackness, she didn’t know. Now the problem wasn’t lack of sensation but, rather, being overwhelmed by so many sensations that it made her feel vulnerable.

Where there had been darkness and only the sound of her heartbeat (and the pulse of something she really didn't want to think about), now there was light, noise, smell. A gentle breeze caressed her body and, slowly, she became aware of others in the place where she sat.

Of course, having been isolated from people for such a long time, Eller’s assumption was that these people couldn't see her. One of them caught her interest, moving slowly around and... pouring cups of tea! With the light being so intense, Eller took a moment to realise who it was. It was Roseberry! But this was no ordinary Roseberry. This was the Roseberry she’d seen on that night so long ago. Beautiful, filled with light and... busying herself with something so ordinary and mundane and, yet, so wonderful to watch after her time imprisoned in the darkness.

Roseberry finished pouring tea into 3 cups and some on a saucer. Then, as Eller watched, Roseberry picked up one of the cups, turned and walked towards her. Eller was so convinced she couldn't be seen, that she actually looked over her shoulder to see who Roseberry was taking it to. There was no one behind her.

Roseberry stopped right in front of Eller, staring into the lost girl's eyes. Eller gazed back, unable to stem the tears that started to stream down her face. Roseberry bent forwards, holding out the cup to the crying girl who looked so young as she sat there with her arms wrapped around her legs. Eller didn't move, so Roseberry crouched down by her side, the cup of tea still in her hands.

‘Eller, my love, it’s wonderful to see you again. I’ve missed you so very much.’ There was such love in Roseberry’s voice that her tears flowed even faster, and she began to sob quietly.

Still unable to move, Eller felt something warm and wet on the back of her arm. Turning to look, a beautiful border terrier forced his face between her arms, unwrapping them from around her legs, as he demanded love and attention. Despite herself, Eller started to laugh and scratched his ears whilst trying to avoid the worst of the licking. Then, looking up at Roseberry, who was still crouching and holding the teacup, the expression on Eller’s face asked, ‘What’s happening?’

The older woman put the cup down and flopped onto her bottom beside Eller, to give her a hug. Meanwhile, a young man, not much more than a boy, stood nearby looking unsure what to do.

When Eller stopped stroking the dog, he rushed over to the young man who seemed to know exactly how to fuss over a dog. In fact, he seemed a little relieved to have something to do.

After a long hug with Roseberry, Eller eventually pulled herself together enough to ask, ‘How do you know me?’

Roseberry smiled but didn’t answer immediately. Instead, she gave Eller a quizzical look.

Eller suddenly remembered. ‘Grandma!’ she exclaimed. Then, once again they threw their arms around each other, sobbing and laughing all at once.

The young man concentrated on spoiling the dog!

The place they were in wasn’t a real place, as they discovered when, after a little while, Thornton walked through and yet didn't see or notice them. Then a few more people came and went, busy doing chores. However, the people who came after Thornton all seemed less… tangible… than Thornton, more ghostly and yet obviously not ghosts. It was Roseberry who was the one to be surprised this time.

‘Oh, so that’s where they are!’

Eller looked at her grandma enquiringly.

Roseberry smiled and replied, ‘It’s the servants, love. You see, I knew they had to...

Music: Majestic Nature by Craig Stuart Garfinkle

Artwork by Steve English

The script:

Episode 25 - Lost

Inside Manor Rott, Grott and Snott, it seemed that 'all hell' had let loose.

In one of the living rooms, the Baron was jumping and darting to avoid what appeared to be a possessed vacuum cleaner, intent on killing him.

Sitting in his room and rocking back and forth in a state of extreme anxiety, Thornton kept checking his ears to make sure his spare hearing aids weren't in.

Roseberry was walking the corridors… being Roseberry!

Cod raced around the roof with all the gargoyles, unable to settle.

Stokesley hadn’t reappeared as yet, after an altogether too close encounter with said vacuum.

And, Horatio Fleming McNaughtie, the border terror - sorry, border terrier, was shut in the kitchen in an attempt to keep him away from the noise and danger. However, Horatio Fleming McNaughtie had never and would never be kept silent and out of the way by a stupid, little, solid, wooden door! Although the Baron couldn't hear it above the screaming rage of the vacuum cleaner, the Manor had started to reverberate to a new noise, a relentless thudding, biting and clawing from the kitchen.

=

As Eller fell into the blackness of the well, it engulfed her and, for a moment, she felt only vaguely aware of the screaming. Then, a blinding light, and a shriek so loud that it seemed to explode in her skull. As her eyes cleared, they revealed the back door of the Manor, wide open and filled with darkness, looking like the open mouth of some kind of monster.

Of course, she shouldn't have been surprised. Every time she strayed beyond the limits, she always found herself returning through the back door of the Manor. She should have seen it coming, as falling down the well was technically going beyond the boundary of Snott. But, in the stress of the moment, she hadn't thought carefully enough. The end result was that she was now in even greater danger. (P) Before she’d even realised what had happened, she felt the powerful tendrils of darkness wrapping around her, determined to drag her deeper into the Manor and towards the hideous, screaming darkness.

Grasping and grabbing at anything and everything she could, her hands and arms passed through them all. All that is, except for a small, carved, wooden dog that she almost didn’t bother holding on to as it seemed so small and worthless. But she was pleased she did for, as she passed through the closed kitchen door, her hand holding the carved, wooden dog wouldn't go through the door. For a moment she hung in mid-air, held safely by the wooded dog that couldn't go any further.

Having passed rapidly through the kitchen, Eller hadn't noticed Horatio. So, when he suddenly attacked the door, she panicked. Splinters of wood flew through the air, and the hinges were almost shaken loose. The shock of Horatio smashing into the kitchen door caused Eller to involuntarily let go of the wooden dog, and she found herself being pulled deeper into the Manor. The dark tendrils wrapped even tighter around Eller, throwing her around like a rag doll, accelerating her towards the ancient, evil vacuum cleaner.

Passing along corridors and through doors, Eller moved rapidly. In no time at all, she entered a sitting room inside which she saw the Baron, hot and sweaty and doing everything in his power to avoid the monstrous machine. For a split second, Eller felt sorry for him, but then the loathing kicked back in, and she felt pleased to see him suffering for the terror he was inflicting on her.

The vacuum didn't hesitate. Immediately, a profusion of darkness and shrieking reached out of the machine, engulfed her and dragged her inside.

(PAUSE) Silence.

=

Inexplicably, for a moment, the old vacuum cleaner stopped jumping and twisting around. So, taking his life in his hands, with a desperate lunge, the Baron leapt forwards and yanked the plug out the wall without bothering to switch it off...

Music: Majestic Nature by Craig Stuart Garfinkle

Artwork by Steve English

The script:

Episode 24 - The Trap is Sprung

Inside the Manor, little eddies of dust and not so little eddies of dust appeared and disappeared, each time becoming a little smaller than before. Shadows came out of hiding, skittish at the sudden appearance of eddies and unwilling to attach themselves to anything for more than a moment.

Unconsciously pushing his hair away from his face, the Baron sat in the kitchen, his hair whipped about by an unseen draft. Around the table with him sat Roseberry and Thornton, still looking a little flustered by all that was going on. Horatio lay in the doorway to the boot room. Facing the monstrous, old vacuum cleaner, he tried (and failed) to look as if he was ignoring it. His 'tell' was the way his eyes kept darting back to the machine even as he cleaned his paws.

'But Roseberry,' the Baron was saying, 'I thought we were all agreed on this plan? Things are going missing and, if that was all that was happening, then maybe I’d 'let it go' as you ask. However, it’s getting worse all the time. Only this morning Horatio very nearly lost the end of his nose as a knife fell from the top of my bedroom door! This can't carry on, so we must stick with the plan.'

Roseberry said nothing, her face inscrutable since the vacuum cleaner had been turned on.

‘Think about the water boiler and the stone thing I was playing with as it first came to the boil,' the Baron continued, trying to justify his plan to an obviously unconvinced Roseberry. 'We had an emergency then, with a potential invasion of gargoyles into the Manor. It was the combination of those two things which seemed to solve that issue once and for all. I know it probably means we're stuck with the water boiler, but at least we don't have gargoyles sitting next to us for breakfast.'

Still no reply from Roseberry.

'As for me, sir,' Thornton said, interrupting the silence that followed, 'I do believe something should be done. So many things have gone missing that it has to be more than coincidence or error. I know I'm getting old, sir,...' As he said this, he held up his hand to silence any protests, although none were actually coming. '...but even that cannot explain all that's happened.' He paused a moment to look at Horatio before continuing, 'Quite if this is the best way to approach it, I have my doubts, but I’m happy to leave it in your hands.' Then, flashing a quick glance at the vacuum cleaner, he added, 'There is certainly something about that thing that tells me it is capable of doing far more than just sucking up dirt. However, if I may be so bold, sir?' he asked, before continuing without actually waiting for the Baron's permission, 'I wonder if maybe there isn't another way? If maybe we’ve missed something and in so doing are trying to solve the wrong problem in the wrong way.'

The Baron stared at Thornton in surprise. Thornton was always more than willing to offer his opinion on anything but seldom did he counsel caution! Assuming that this had been nothing more than the terrible noise from the vacuum cleaner that had upset Thornton, the Baron said, 'I know it makes a terrible racket and that was indeed part of the reason why we put it in the attic in the first place. But, hang it all, this really is an emergency! What else can we do? I know as well as the next man that a vacuum cleaner can't suck up ghosts and that's why I brought out the Promise Capsule. When I found that thing,' he said, pointing at the egg-like object in the middle of the kitchen table, 'I couldn’t imagine a time when I would consider using it. But, as the other two objects seem to have made such a difference with Cod and the gargoyles, I thought that, if only part of what it says is true, then perhaps it can change, transform, transmogrify or whatever the word is that wretched cleaner so that, instead of sucking up dust and dirt, it can get rid of this malicious ghost?'...

Music: Majestic Nature by Craig Stuart Garfinkle

Artwork by Steve English

The script:

Episode 23 - A Trap is Set

It would have been a reasonably straightforward process to recover the vacuum cleaner, if it hadn’t been for the weight of the thing. However, after a prolonged period of pushing, shoving, lifting and carefully lowering, the old machine was finally back down in the Manor proper. The Baron was delighted to be able to lift up the steps-cum-stairs contraption and shut the attic door once again.

He wiped his brow with a disgusting handkerchief taken from one of his many pockets and stood looking at the old vacuum in the light of day. As he inspected the awful machine, he was aware of two other sets of eyes watching him. One was from outside the round window at the end of the landing. The other, high on the wall to one side, was accompanied by chewing noises. Quite how Stokesley moved around the Manor so quickly, the Baron didn't know - and he certainly didn't like it!

Usually, when you revisit something from your past that frightened you, you realise you just perceived it that way. When it's in front of you once again, the reality isn't as bad as you remembered. That wasn't the case here. For, as he looked at the old machine, the Baron thought, if anything, it looked even more menacing than before. Somehow, it seemed to affect the light around it, making the whole area darker.

As he stood looking at the vacuum cleaner and recovering his breath, the Baron heard a noise behind him at the large, circular window at the end of the landing. He knew it was Cod so didn't turn at once but, when he did, there was Cod still at centre of the window, but his expression had changed. The look on Cod's face was one of grave concern. Although, to be honest, Cod was a gargoyle and gargoyles were made with fearsome faces – which in Cod's case was a fearsome fish face – so it was hard to know what any expression really meant. The Baron was assuming it was grave concern, but it could have been a laugh for all he knew. As it happened, this time he was right, Cod was worried!

Stokesley, for his part, was still enjoying the Baron’s pain from earlier – it could be quite dull being a moose head and having to live on the wall.

=

Now that the Baron had finished the problematic process of retrieving the old vacuum cleaner all on his own, everyone else turned up!

'Oh, if you'd have waited a moment Archie, I'd have given you a hand getting that down,' said Roseberry as she wobbled up, first shooting Stokesley a cross look and then inspecting the vacuum cleaner over the top of her glasses.

'Shall I take it to the kitchen, sir?' asked Thornton as he appeared at the other end of the landing.

The Baron would have loved to have said 'yes'. The problem was, that there were two flights of stairs to go down, and Thornton was, shall we say, 'past his prime'. So, if he had agreed, the chances of both the vacuum cleaner and Thornton arriving in the kitchen intact were reasonably low. Loudly thanking Thornton for his kind offer, the Baron politely refused and started to drag it down the stairs with Thornton muttering something about 'lack of gratitude' behind him.

Horatio was strangely absent, bearing in mind all the noise the vacuum had made when being tested. Even when the cleaner finally arrived in the kitchen, Horatio was still nowhere to be seen.

=

Despite it taking the Baron quite a while to manoeuvre the beastly machine down to the kitchen, he still managed to arrive before Roseberry and Thornton. During that time, the Baron made sure the replacement bag he’d fitted was firmly attached. Once that was done, he sat down to nurse the numerous little bumps, scratches and other inexplicable wounds he'd managed to acquire while relocating the vacuum cleaner. By the time Roseberry and Thornton did turn up, it was mid-afternoon. In the intervening time, the Baron had managed to brew tea, drink said tea, eat a homemade cake,...

Music: Majestic Nature by Craig Stuart Garfinkle

Artwork by Steve English

The script:

Episode 22 - Another Visit to the Attic

It seemed that, in Manor Rott, Grott and Snott, the places where people didn’t often go were the places where the effects of the enchantment – or curse – or whatever it was – were the strongest.

Although it wasn’t clear how it happened, when things were left in lonely places such as the attic or cellar, malevolent forces somehow altered them. This was, I suppose, the reason for the rise of the Rampant Salami Empire; the real cause of the problems the Baron attributed to 'the ghost'.

=

The Baron couldn’t believe he was going back into the attic after such a short time. It wasn’t long since he’d been up there to fetch the old water boiler and here he was, doing it all over again. As he looked up at the attic hatch, he shuddered.

The round window at the end of the landing was once again alive with gargoyle activity, as any number of gargoyles took it in turn to look every time the Baron turned away. But, in the midst of all this activity, Cod stayed at the centre of the window, watching. The Baron found himself waving to Cod before he knew what he was doing, and got annoyed with himself. When he next looked back, most of the other gargoyles had moved, but Cod still sat there as before, but with one hand raised.

Smiling to himself, the Baron turned back to the hatch and nearly jumped out of his skin. A large moose head had appeared on the wall to one side and was watching the Baron with a vague, disinterested expression, while chewing on something invisible to the Baron. Stokesley (as the moose head had become known) was actually quite nosey and seemed to enjoy giving people a shock. After a few choice words to Stokesley about staying in the entrance hall, the Baron took a deep breath and got to work. He didn’t notice the slight grin that appeared on the moose head’s face.

The over-long attic door was as recalcitrant as last time, squeaking and complaining as the Baron dropped it down. There seemed to be about as much dust and debris as on the previous visit. So, again, he got covered and, like last time, he marvelled at the awe-inspiring steps-cum-stairway contraption as it slowly and gently descended. He was delighted when he flicked the light switch on, and the bulbs spluttered, crackled and tinkled into life, one after the other, as if a little reluctant to shine.

Once he’d climbed up into the attic, he stood in the cooler air for a moment to steady his nerves. As he’d expected, all the chaos and mess of the turret finding its new home and shaking the attic had been cleared up, leaving corridors with piles of junk on each side.

As no turrets were relocating this time, there wasn’t as much noise, although the sudden flurries of hooves on slate kept causing him to panic.

Starting to move between the massive piles of junk towards where he was sure the ancient old vacuum cleaner had been, the Baron was surprised by how few shadows there were. What struck him as even more worrying was that, despite the lack of shadows, the attic somehow still managed to look dark, threatening and menacing. How it managed to do that without the shadows, he didn’t know, although he didn’t like the obvious conclusion; that it was the active presence of darkness.

Perhaps the greatest scare he got was at the end of a particularly packed aisle. As he turned the corner, a very loud flurry of hooves overhead momentarily distracted him. When he looked back, he jumped and almost hit his head on the roof at the shock of finding himself confronted with a giant, chewing moose head staring directly into his eyes.

The roof was slanted down at this point. So, when Stokesley decided to come and take a look, he was a lot lower than normal. In fact, he was so low that he ended up staring straight into the Baron's revoltingly ugly eyes. Stokesley promptly threw up – it was a mercy he didn't have a stomach!

Having recovered and

Music: Majestic Nature by Craig Stuart Garfinkle

Artwork by Steve English

The script:

Episode 21 – The Meeting

The Baron called a meeting, asking everyone to come to the kitchen to see if they could get to the bottom of the problems they were facing and find a solution. Obviously, Eller wasn't invited because no-one knew she existed. That didn't stop her attending of course - as did Stokesley, who most definitely wasn’t invited, but just turned up on the kitchen wall, looking sullen. And pretty much every shadow in the whole Manor came and occupied places all over the walls, ceiling and floor. Everywhere that is except around Stokesley’s shadow which was rather particular about these things and seemed to nip and butt other shadows which came too close.

The meeting started rather slowly as Thornton had forgotten his spare hearing aids. Then, when he finally arrived back having retrieved them from his room, they discovered the batteries were flat. Mercifully, Roseberry had some spares in a drawer; they took some digging out, but it saved a lot of time compared to waiting for Thornton to go back to his room again to find some.

When at last they'd got Thornton sorted, the conversation began in earnest - although it still needed to happen at a reasonably high decibel level for Thornton's sake! He had purchased the new hearing aids (which had disappeared) because he needed them and the relative lack of power of the old ones made for lots of repetition.

'I have called this meeting,' the Baron began in his somewhat nasally voice, 'to discuss what I am sure you will all agree, is a series of malicious incidents happening all across the Manor.'

'What's that you say?' asked Thornton. ‘Something about hamsters being cross at the Manor? I didn't know we had a hamster problem too! When did that happen?'

The Baron, Roseberry and Eller all rolled their eyes – this was going to be a long meeting.

'WE DON'T HAVE A HAMSTER PROBLEM THORNTON,' the Baron replied. 'SORRY FOR NOT BEING CLEARER. I WILL TRY NOT TO MUMBLE SO MUCH.' Then, as loudly as he could manage, the Baron continued, 'We all agree that serious things are happening in the Manor.'

Nodding sagely, Thornton started to speak before the Baron could continue. 'Did you know someone stole my hearing aids?' he asked, even more loudly than the Baron.

Of course they knew but, as they'd all learnt many years before, when Thornton started, there was no use interrupting him until he'd said his piece. Thankfully, once he'd said it and got the appropriate sympathetic nods and expressions, he tended to just sit for the rest of the conversation with an inscrutable look on his face. He was probably in a world of his own and not paying any attention, but no one really wanted to check.

'We know, dear,’ Roseberry shouted, patting Thornton's hand as he finished. 'It's a terrible state of affairs.' Then looking from Thornton to the Baron she asked, 'But who's behind it all? That's what we need to find out.' At this, the shadows shifted uncomfortably, causing Stokesley’s shadow to nip one of two, to keep them in their place.

'Surely, if anyone knows what's going on, it's you guys,' Eller said to the shadows, knowing she wouldn't get a response. But the fact that the shadows cared about what the others knew made her feel strangely on edge.

It was what the Baron said next that stunned her, that and the reaction of everyone present (except of course for Stokesley who continued to chew invisible grass and Horatio who was far more interested in licking his paws than paying any attention to the conversation).

'It seems that the Manor's resident ghost who, as we all know, has the full-moon badge LOST, has, for reasons we cannot understand, decided to stop being our friend. Instead, it seems LOST has started to cause mischief, which is getting out of hand and verging on dangerous. Quite why LOST has started behaving in this way is beyond me. Still, I can find no other explanation for this...

Music: Majestic Nature by Craig Stuart Garfinkle

Artwork by Steve English

The script:

Episode 20 - Chaos

Eller Beck watched the Rampant Salamis with increasing admiration. Gone were the days of unsubtle ‘blood and guts’ warfare. Instead, the time had come for cunning and secrecy. They needed to keep their presence unknown, while at the same time testing their formidable adversaries. Eller understood that, if these tiny warriors were going to rule, then they needed to know who and what they were up against. 

One of the things that surprised her most was that even the salami shadows were dangerous. Able to separate themselves from their owners, they were organised, vicious and ruthless as they worked to enslave all the other Manor shadows. In no time, nearly all the shadows in the Manor were under their control and forced to act as spies. Gone were the shadows’ freedoms and playfulness, replaced instead by fear, hiding and spying - spying for the Rampant Salami empire to help them find out more about their foe and prepare for the day of battle.

It wasn't easy at first for the Rampant Salamis to understand their foe. At the very start, the whole thing was almost a complete disaster. The first scouting party had taken shelter in a closet when, at 11:05 on the dot, the vacuum cleaner had suddenly appeared in that same cupboard, and switched on! Their immediate reaction was one of total terror as the cleaner head was perilously close to sucking up some of them. But these salamis where much more resilient and well-trained than previous kingdoms had been.

Even over the scream of the vacuum, Horatio could be heard barking and snarling his way closer, as he bounded towards the noise. The salamis had already spied Horatio and understood just how potentially dangerous he was. So, as the barking grew closer, one of the salamis stood up, waved his hands (there was no way it could be heard above the racket of the cleaner) and indicated for the whole squad to push.

Without hesitation, the whole advance scouting party of 10 salamis rushed forward, shoving and pushing the vacuum cleaner base as hard as they could. At first, it didn’t move. As Horatio's barking got louder and louder, Eller was impressed by the discipline of the salamis; not one of them ran away. Instead, all 10 pushed with every ounce of strength they had, and the vacuum cleaner base began to shift. Once it started to move, they pushed even harder to keep it going, guiding it towards the door which was ajar because the latch was broken. Nudging the door, it edged open, and the vacuum cleaner began to emerge, just as Horatio came hurtling down the corridor with the Baron careening and lurching his way after the enraged dog.

In his fury and desire to destroy, Horatio yanked the vacuum cleaner out of the closet and flung it across the hallway. Bits of cleaner flew everywhere, littering the floor. The cupboard door just slowly swung back until it was almost closed again.

As she watched Horatio’s fit of destruction, Eller forgot about the salamis who had so very nearly been discovered and destroyed. Remembering them a few moments later, she popped her head back through the door to see what they were doing. It was almost of it they weren't there at all, sliding under bags and hiding behind boxes, each of them holding little sacks of something – waiting to see what might happen next.

Of course, the danger wasn't over, for if there is one thing that defines a dog, it's their incredible sense of smell. Surely Horatio would smell the Rampant Salamis? It wasn't as if they didn't niff! Even Eller thought she could smell them at times (which she probably could although there was no control over when it would actually happen).

Once he'd reduced the vacuum cleaner to its components, Horatio stopped and sniffed the air, his nostrils twitching and twisting. Stepping closer to the cupboard where the salamis hid, Horatio hitched the door open with his snout and...

Music: Majestic Nature by Craig Stuart Garfinkle

Artwork by Steve English

The script:

Episode 19 - A New Kingdom

One day, as Salaronicus lay back on her couch pulling the legs off a live, inverted woodlouse, a scout appeared at her side. Not wanting to disturb her majesty as she sucked the contents of each leg dry, the scout stood and waited, a little restless with the critical news he brought. He watched impatiently as she gnawed each leg husk to a digestible power with her razor-sharp teeth.

‘S..top wiggling s..cout!’ Salaronicus snapped, not even looking towards the hapless scout as she concentrated her attention and her teeth on the body of the unfortunate woodlouse. ‘You look like you want to relieve yours..elf.., jumping from leg to leg.’

The scout, 374 (standing for 3rd battalion, 7th squad, 4th least important) was mortified. Falling to his knees, saliva dribbling down his chest through his profusion of poorly fitting teeth, he bowed low, mumbling an apology. Then, lifting his head while still in a kneeling position, he began, ‘Oh, mos..t ruthless.. and majes..tic S..alaronicus... Uncontes..ted empress.. of.. the 7.. rooms.., conqueror and vanquish..er of all before her. I have exciting news…We have f..ound another world to conquer …..’

Unfortunately for 374, Salaronicus was neither patient nor nice! So, before he had finished his little speech, her glass-like sword flashed from its sheath cleanly removing 374’s head from the rest of his body. I say, head. With salami, it’s rather hard to tell where head ends and body begins, but wherever it was, Salaronicus had hit the spot slightly before she realised what 374 was telling her.

As 374’s head and body hit the floor - in that order, Salaronicus swore loudly, spattering saliva over herself and her attendants.

(I should say that because of the sheer number of teeth salamis have and their lack of a nose, noisy breathing and saliva splattered speech was the norm, so no-one batted an eyelid.)

‘Oh f..amel!’ she swore. ‘What was.. he s..aying about another world?’

Her attendants, who looked at the bits of 374 and took lots of tiny steps backwards out of the reach of her sword whilst bowing and scraping, didn’t say a word because they didn’t know.

However, there was one brave one.

‘I’m s..orry your S..piciness..,’ spattered a rather tall and regal-looking salami. (It seemed they didn’t realise that avoiding words that started with ‘s’ and ‘f’ could help reduce their sprayings and spatterings!) ‘I do not know the ans..wer to your question.’ Then sucking up a stream of mucus that had started to trickle out of his mouth, he gulped as he saw the look in her eye and added, ‘But I will s..et f..orth s..traight away to s..ort this out!’

At that, he fair ran from her presence. (The Rampant Salamis had rather big feet which strangely resembled hobnail boots and seemed impervious to slippery surfaces, so running with all the saliva around wasn’t a problem.)

Thankfully, just behind a zombie wine bottle stood a small gaggle of scouts nibbling on ants and cracking rude jokes. Noticing they had the same colours on their helmets as the unfortunate 374, the long-legged regal attendant grabbed one and found he also knew about the new world. After some arguments and a couple of lost limbs (they grew back quite quickly), one of them stepped forward to go before the Empress.

The tall advisor turned and walked briskly back to the throne room with the scout following, who almost had to run to keep up.

Entering the throne room area (it wasn’t a room so much as a slightly raised platform), the advisor bowed very low – in fact, so low his head seemed to touch the floor. Maybe he figured that it would make it harder for Salaronicus to remove it with her sword. Whatever the reason, bowing, the advisor waited.

He didn’t have to wait long, Salaronicus wanted to hear more.

‘Well?’ she asked. ‘What have you f..ound?’ (The letter ‘f’ always seemed to eject...

Music: Majestic Nature by Craig Stuart Garfinkle

Artwork by Steve English

The script:

Episode 18 - The Rise of the Evil Empire

Manor Rott, Grott and Snott hadn’t really been itself – at least, not since the 'incident'! Quite what the 'incident' was and when it had happened, no one could remember. All people knew was that, ever since then, things had been different, including, and maybe especially, the Manor.

Of course, if you live with 'different' for long enough, it stops being different and becomes the new normal. But even so, Manor Rott, Grott and Snott still felt, still presented itself and still was different.

Externally, the Manor no longer looked like a friendly country Manor house. Instead, it had taken on the appearance of a rather nasty little castle. Outside, what should have been pleasant gardens had become miserable woodlands, threaded with dark, eerie pathways. There was the tree-lined drive at the front of the Manor, but that went to the gates and, through those, no one from Rott, Grott and Snott could go; only visitors oblivious to the situation were able to come and go at will.

The gargoyles, of course, you know all about! Whoever heard of large, restless, hooved gargoyles on a Manor?

Oh, and the towers and turrets? As well as the fact that they liked to rearrange themselves from time to time, it was a challenge to find out how they were connected to the Manor. Some of them did seem to have entrances and exits, and these moved with their turrets, somehow fitting in with the layout of the Manor as they shifted. However, others seemed to have no known entrance or exit and remained a mystery.

Then, of course, probably linked to the turrets, were the rooms and cupboards that came and went, sometimes even taking people with them, like Lady Pinchinthorpe and her maid Ayton. Because of this penchant for turrets to move and rooms to appear and disappear, the Manor also had a tendency to rearrange its internal layout. The things that remained unchanged included the front and back doors, along with the grand entrance hall at the front, and the boot room and kitchen at the back. Additionally, several corridors with connections to the entrance hall or the kitchen had little choice but to remain in place. They assumed that the attic and the cellar also stayed in place but, as they were visited so infrequently, in truth, they could be doing anything although, on the rare occasions people had visited them, they had tended to be at the top and the bottom of the Manor respectively.

The end result of all this variation was that you could be heading to a particular room only to find yourself in a different part of the Manor, sometimes even ending up on a different floor, or simply unable to get to where you’d hoped! This could be very frustrating, and it wasn't unusual for people to get quite lost. Everyone, that is, except Horatio, who seemed to know the exact way to go no matter how the Manor reorganised itself (and even more quickly at mealtimes).

I think it was the shadows that set people most on edge. Many thought it an unholy thing that shadows could be independent. Some people felt so uneasy that they refused to go anywhere near the Manor. You see, the shadows in the Manor didn't see the point of playing the same game as all the other shadows outside, and so they didn't.

Most disconcerting of all was when your own shadow got bored! This happened quite a lot in the Manor, and it soon became apparent that shadows don't have a particularly long attention span. So, within a few moments of entering the Manor, your shadow would wander off without you, leaving you with no shadow until you left the Manor and it was forced to return to normal.

Even if your shadow did come back before you left the Manor, there was no guarantee it would act normally and, more often than not, it would return with several other shadows (as shadows were both nosey and fickle) and hold a very animated silent shadow...

Music: Majestic Nature by Craig Stuart Garfinkle

Artwork by Steve English

The script:

Episode 17 - The Key

As Scragg recovered her senses, she looked more closely at the two people in the attic with them. One, a hag-like creature, was holding something in her hand while kneeling in front of the dark and ghostly outline of a door. The other, who looked a bit of an oaf, was some way behind and had a furious expression on his face. Neither of the people had noticed their arrival or the two shadow dogs who seemed to be having a 'mad moment' - zooming around chasing each other.

Apart from the kneeling hag, Winefry was the only one who wasn’t affected by what came next. As the hag held out what looked very much like the key they were searching for towards the dark keyhole in the door, everything in the attic seemed to slow down. Then a voice spoke - which was only heard by the woman and Winefry - apparently from the door itself.

It said, ‘Beware how you place that key in my lock, for many have tried and have found no luck. For if by chance you get it wrong, this door will stay open and all blessing be gone. Yet if you get it right when you open this cell, then maybe, just maybe all things will go well.’

The words sent cold shivers down Winefry from his cork to his toes. He could see what was happening but felt no power in himself do anything about it. He watched helplessly as the person blindly pushed the key into the lock, taking no notice of the warning she’d just received. Winefry could see the other person, a large man with a red face moving closer to the hag and saw her throw a worried glance in his direction.

Then, time was released back to normal as the door violently burst open, smashing into the woman kneeling in front of it. It sent her flying across the attic like a rag-doll - only just missing the man.

Then, darkness, like they had never seen before, erupted out from the doorway. It was more than just empty darkness. It was malicious, powerful, filled with hate and, as it shot out, it engulfed the surprised man. Winefry thought he saw dark hands reach out and grab the man, dragging him back inside the doorway. As the man entered the darkness, the door slammed shut with a mighty crash - flinging the key from the lock and shattering it into its component pieces.

Winefry was horrified. When he'd seen the key, he'd assumed that this was the end of their quest, to simply take the key from these people and return home. But now the key parts were spread across the attic. It was hard to see where they’d landed as the light was so dim. All Winefry could see was the shank of the key which seemed to be evaporating into a dark mist. So, throwing caution to the wind, Winefry leapt for the shank and grabbed hold of it as tightly as he could. And, as he held it firmly, so it regained its integrity in his hands, the thin rope through the bow dangling down.

Shouting across to Scragg, Winefry yelled at her to find the bits before they disappeared. But that was easier said than done. The lighting was terrible. Only the woman's oil lamp was left and was about as much use as a clotted-cream picnic basket. Scragg raced around, but each time she found a bit, it was too late as it evaporated into a vapour before she could grab it.

Thinking she’d missed all the bits, Scragg returned to Winefry who was holding the shank as if it too was about to vanish. He gave her a hopeful look, but she shook her head, and his face fell. The task the Lady of Light had given them would take far longer now.

The shadow border terriers still seemed to be playing, at least one of them did. Flannel’s shadow kept running up to them and then going away again. Both Winefry and Scragg ignored it at first, unsure what to do. But when it came up for the fifth or sixth time, Winefry and Scragg exchanged a glance and Scragg followed the shadow dog with Winefry close behind.

Flannel’s shadow ran ahead and stopped just the other side of some boxes, and when...