I Hate It, Let’s Watch It

We hope you're enjoying the holiday season because we're about to ruin it by reminding you that this movie exists. If you're looking for something to listen to while you travel over the river and through the woods to grandmother's house, why not re-live the trauma we exposed you to last Christmas with our coverage of The Gingerdead Man, starring Gary Busey and the thinnest plot available to script writers! And if this isn't enough to get you feeling all Christmasey inside, tune back in next week for the greatly anticipated (by no one) sequel -- The Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust!

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If you’re looking for a super intense and suspenseful Christmas thriller, Silent Night Fatal Night is NOT IT. Featuring the dullest female protagonist to ever disgrace our screens, the most incompetent sheriff in law enforcement history, and a kidnapping that a lot of people would consider a luxurious vacation, Lifetime’s latest holiday movie fails to convince us that anyone is in danger of dying here (except perhaps from boredom). A reimagining of Stephen King’s Misery gone horribly wrong, there was only one fatality this night, and it was our dignity.

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You’re all gonna go NUTS for our first holiday movie of the season. Nutcracker Massacre is a sloppy delight, despite not living up to Dawn’s definition of a massacre. Come get lost in the lore with us as we attempt to make sense of this movie’s scant plot and why Clara’s Auntie Marie is explicably American in an otherwise English family. Grab your nuts (#justiceforJames) and settle in for some festive tomfoolery at the hands of a six-foot tall demon nutcracker with a taste for blood…and Gushers.

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This movie doesn't eggsactly go...over easy, and your brain might feel a bit ~scrambled~ by the time it's over, but the yolk's on us because we're the ones who picked it to watch for the podcast. (Sorry not sorry for all the egg puns.) Hatching is an unexpectedly terrifying watch with disturbing bird-to-human transformations, the dreaded Mom-fluencer, and a surprising amount of goo.

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Hey, y'all, remember when you were a teenager and your estranged parents sent you to ballet camp to teach you discipline but INSTEAD you decided to rebel and confess to committing a murder, which forces them to work together to cover for you and fall in love along way? No? Just us? Might be hard to relate to this one then. Let us walk you through the wildest reimagining of The Parent Trap we've ever seen and help you understand at the very least that Joey King understood the assignment.

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Holy moly, it's been a long time since we've had a doozy like this. The awkward dialogue, the wooden acting, the lack of any appropriate reactions to completely bizarre scenarios -- it's all coming together to make one of the worst cinematic gumbos we've had the misfortune to experience (so far, anyway). We don't recommend viewing The Killing of a Sacred Deer, but we DO recommend listening to our recap instead because y'all need to hear about this one.

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As a special Halloween treat (or trick, depending on how you feel about our content), we are re-releasing our 2021 Spooky Season feature on Malignant! If you're not ready to let go of Halloween just yet, grab some candy and join us as we revisit one of the wildest movie twists we've covered on the podcast.

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Our fourth and final movie of Spooky Season 2023 features an exceptionally annoying female main character, a metric butt-ton of sorority girl stereotypes, and an animatronic sloth with a bad haircut. Slotherhouse is either a delight or a snoozefest, depending on which of your lovely podcast hosts you believe, but what we can all agree on is that there are few things in this world more ridiculous than a homicidal sloth. Happy Halloween to all of our amazing listeners! Treat yourself by checking out all of our spooky October episodes available wherever you stream your podcasts!

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For Week 3 of Spooky Season, we bring you an erotic thriller titled Fair Play that is neither erotic nor thrilling. However, the frighteningly accurate portrayal of a man’s reaction when things don’t go his way could actually be spookier than any ghost or goblin this Halloween. We cover a lot of whiny babies on this podcast, but nothing is worse than this petulant man-child. But does he get what he deserves? Come listen and find out!

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Our second feature film of Spooky Season is for all our claustrophobes, thalassophobes, and tokophobes. Good luck to y’all with this one. Join us on the edge of our seat as we talk through this absolutely insane survival story which essentially boils down to a one-woman, two-hour bottle episode that gets a whole lot worse before remotely getting better. If you’re prone to queasiness, you’ve been warned. First 100 listeners get a lifetime supply of Tupperware!

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