I Hate It, Let’s Watch It

Now that we're all nice and turned on by our sexy February line-up, we'd like to keep the spice levels high with a movie that features graphic snail sex and 45 seconds of Jacob Elordi. That's right. You're WELCOME. One of our favorites from the archives, Deep Water is a must-see and if you're not convinced, you will be by the end of this episode.

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Forget Valentine's Day -- Leap Year is obviously the sexiest, most romantic holiday of them all, and we have the movie to prove it. This film has it all: zero nudity, zero sex, and zero chemistry, plus enough tired rom com tropes you could choke to death on them. Even Dawn's "favorite" leading lady, Amy Adams, can't save this excruciating nothingburger from boring us to tears, so forgive us while we Irish goodbye the heck out of here.

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We're closing out our ~threesome~ of sexy February movies with the 1998 classic erotic thriller, Wild Things, only one of us found this movie erotic or thrilling (hint: it's Dawn). While we did not necessarily agree on whether or not this was a good movie worthy of praise, we definitely agreed on this: Bill Murray carried this whole film on his back (with a not-so-modest assist from Denise Richards' breasts). If you followed along with us on our ménage a trois of sexy picks this month, be sure to stick around to the end of this episode to hear which was our favorite! We'll see you in the Leap Year!

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If you were thinking about suggesting a threesome to your partner this Valentine's Day because you are sexually dissatisfied with your relationship and are unwilling to talk to them about it, THINK AGAIN. Just like having a baby to save a failing marriage, this is a BAD PLAN and if you don't want to take our word for it, watch Happy Ending. This dull and cringe-worthy slog of a movie is far worse than a mildly uncomfortable conversation with your partner, and you're much more likely to get an orgasm out of the latter. Happy Valentine's Day, y'all! And for the love of god, communicate with your partners!

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We are kicking off our February Love Fest with a BANG. Well, technically many, MANY bangs. In our lifelong quest to find a film that can match the ridiculousness and steaminess of the 365 Days saga, we have discovered Burning Betrayal, which makes a valiant effort despite ultimately falling a bit short in the end. However, there is NO shortage of perfect butts, perfect breasts, and steamy sex scenes that MAY cause you to spew all over the place. So if you are looking to spice up your Valentine's Day (and not have to dwell too long on shady backstories and that pesky thing known as plot), give Burning Betrayal a shot and maybe keep your favorite personal massager within arm's reach...

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Germany's answer to cult classic (and one of our favorite films that we've covered) Teeth, Killer Condom is a cautionary tale about what happens when religious fanatics coopt the prophylactic industry to clean up the streets of New York City just in time for Jesus Christ's second coming. We wish we were kidding. "Cum" on this journey with us as we detail Detective Luigi Mackaroni's tireless efforts to discover the truth behind these toothy Baby Bottle Pop tops and their insatiable desire for red jelly.

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I scream, you scream, we all scream because what the heck was THAT?? The Ice Cream Truck, which unfortunately does not feature a serial killer transformer and therefore does not live up to its name, is actually a surprise movie about a mid-life crisis interrupted by fever dream sequences of murder, playground sex with an 18-year-old who actually looks like he's 45, and an ending that will have you wondering...was it all just a ~DeAdLy iLLuSioN~???

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If you're looking for a movie from the 80s that can mansplain feminism to you, look no further than Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death! This tongue-in-cheek take on gender stereotypes (written, directed, and produced entirely by MEN) has a lot to say about avocados, but gets tangled up in the vines of the Southern California jungle when it comes to advocating for women's rights. It's almost as if casting Bill Maher as a lovable, misogynistic doofus to make light of things like harassment and assault through Mel Brooks-style comedy was a bad idea? But what do we know? We're just a couple of silly Bunnies.

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What better way to kick of 2024 than by throwing it back to the very first movie we ever covered, a thrilling piece of cinematic art called Deadly Illusions. Kristen Davis is...baffling, the plot is...confused, and all these years later, we still can't make heads or tails of that ending.

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Nothing gets us in the holiday spirit more than a horny cookie. In this non-Gary Busey sequel, the bar drops even LOWER for plot, acting, and puppets. There are satanic rituals, disgruntled "Hollywood" set employees, and a virgin sacrifice, and if you think we can tell you what it all means, well...that's your mistake. Hope everyone enjoyed the holidays, and we wish you all a very Happy New Year!

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