It's commies, cameos, and comic books on this week's episode of Riverdale! Suddenly, our favorite small town is apparently CRAWLING with communist sympathizers, including guest star Hiram Lodge, who has been caught consorting with...Videl Mastro...yeah, we can't get over that one, either. And Clifford Blossom, the only real red scare that exists in Riverdale, continues his campaign against sexual deviants in the name of patriotism. And the war on comic books reaches a dramatic climax, but do we really care at this point?

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We're back with more Riverdale, and Riverdale is back with more meaningless musical numbers crowbarred in where they don't belong and examples of extremely abusive parenting that should be prosecuted by a governing authority but are instead "resolved" with a stern lecture! But it's fine because we ALSO get...absolutely nowhere with the Milkman investigation. Plus, we get an answer to question we've all been asking: who has the biggest dick in Riverdale???

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If Riverdale can time travel back into the 1950s, then we guess they're allowed to celebrate Halloween in June. There's a little something for everyone in this variety show including a tasteless zombie burlesque musical number, a mysterious late-night milk delivery, more horny Betty, and a stabby stab MURDER??

P.S. We apologize for the audio quality of this episode; we'd had one too many murder milkshakes to figure out how to fix a busted cable. But given what goes on in this show, can you really blame us for overindulging?

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In what is ostensibly Riverdale's horniest season yet, no one in this damn town can seem to get laid. Betty and Veronica are trying their hardest and FINALLY get their "beaus" to take them out on dates, but Archie and Reggie are so obsessed with talking about cars with one another, it's a big fat waste of time (ours, too). Meanwhile, Cheryl is begging Toni to just spend some time with her, and spoiler alert - that's not going well either. At least the Milkman investigation is picking up because we need somewhere to channel all this energy and we're obviously can't count on these other idiots to deliver. P.S. Happy (belated) Global Milk Day! Pour one out for our favorite new serial killer, THE MILKMAN!

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This week, we're focused on Betty and Veronica, so we only enjoyed 50% of this episode (if you've listened to ANY of our Riverdale episodes, you already know which 50% we hated). Veronica becomes further embroiled in a war with her invisible parents, and Betty is going through it between borderline sexually abusive therapy sessions with Dr. Werthers and being disowned by her own mother for no apparent reason. The 21st Century can't come sooner enough.

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This week, it's the return of Reggie (and Tabitha, who disappeared for six episodes but still managed to keep up with her schoolwork, thank god), and it's a whole new ball game! Archie does his golden boy best to help Reggie assimilate, but to the surprise of absolutely no one, Julian Blossom ain't about to let that happen without a fight. Veronica sinks to new lows, and RIP to our favorite new character, Brad Raybury, whose death is chalked up to suicide but was it really? (No. No, it was not.) Maybe Jughead can find the time to get back to that investigation next week, but we're no longer holding our breath.

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Recapping this episode was rough for a lot of reasons, but we're gonna give it a ~twirl~

We've got a particularly messed up homophobia plotline for Kevin, a CLASSIC Veronica-turned-entrepreneur story, and the briefest glimpse of THE MILKMAN threatening the life of our favorite new character, Brad Raybury. Dare we hope for a murder investigation next week?? Tune in next time to find out!

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Peep show? More like creep show -- this episode features an overly involved Uncle Frank (and his mustache) cracking the whip on Archie for no good reason, Jughead engaging in a bit of unapologetic theft from his personal hero, and in our weirdest B&V team-up yet, a lingerie fashion show and a joint "Peeping Patty" session that made us ALL uncomfortable. At least Choni is back in action (FINALLY) and we got a random cameo from a familiar Farmie face...

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We interrupt our regularly scheduled garbage to take a pointless detour through someone's comic book-inspired fever dream on this week's episode of Riverdale. We get bite-size morality tales featuring headless basketball players, jungle leprosy, what was ALMOST a Spiderwoman origin story, and a menage a trois that's a real side-splitter (WINK WINK). This episode was a waste of time, but our recap is NOT, so let us get you caught up in a much less painful way so we're all ready to tackle more serious issues next week! (But probably not.)

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This week, we celebrate the demise of our first mismatched pairing, thanks to Betty's unerring determination to GET LAID. With Cheryl and Archie on thin ice as well, we direct our full ire towards the blasphemy that is Vughead (BARF) and their half-hearted attempt to solve the milkman murders between bouts of awkward banter and unsexy makeout sessions. In other news, Uncle Frank is back and sporting an evil-looking mustache and an ATTITUDE, and a very pleased toad tells Midge she's pregnant with Fangs' baby. We wish we were kidding.

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