I Learned Nothing

Pat was feeling giggly so Ben tells him of the ticklishly deviant philosophy of Democritus, a real piece of work who many consider to be the father of the scientific method. Unlike his mopey counterpart Heraclitus, Chuckles over here considered life to be absurd, with no inherent purpose, just collections of matter blindly hurtling through an uncaring void. And just like that, he came up with atomic theory over 2000 years before the rest of the nerds by guessing. Then he celebrated by getting lit and laughing to death while watching a donkey eat figs. Fuck this guy.

Pat was feeling weepy so Ben reveals to him the obscure, emo-ass teachings of "The Weeping Philosopher" AKA Herclitus. In the much anticipated 3rd installment of our Peabody Award Winning Greek Triple Stack Series, the WisdomBois cover the Pre-Socratics, a crew of ancient, diner-owning Greeks who planted the seeds of Western philosophy & science before Socrates even hit puberty. In Part 1, Ben tells Pat about the mystical philosophy of Heraclitus, who believed the only constant in life is change and nothing is permanent. Tweeting mystical nuggets of wisdom a century before Plato, this puto baffled the classical Greek philosophers that came after him with what many consider to be the best answer to Buddhism the West has to offer. Everything flows, bitch.

Pat was feeling Pat-riarchal (get it?) so Ben sits his penis-having ass down and teaches him about Mary Wollstonecraft, an iconic Enlightenment thinker and arguably the very first feminist philosopher in the Western tradition. In her classic book "A Vindication of the Rights of Woman," Wollstonecraft exposes the patriarchy for the first time, bringing to light how centuries of mansplaining have conditioned women into being subservient and pursuing shallow, ephemeral goals at the expense of their rights and personal growth. Her solution? Emancipation and education for all women. Listen in as the WIsdomBois dish about the very first WisdomGurl. It's a wild ride.

Pat was feeling colorblind, so Ben calms his mind with a soothing thought experiment: Mary's Room. As the WisdomBois enjoy hearty bowls of soup during their newest segment "Just Souping Around," they explore a troubling scenario thought up by Australian philosopher/bogan Frank Jackson. A genius-level neuroscientist named Mary, who was raised in a black & white laboratory her entire life and has never seen color, escapes and for the first time sees a red rose. Listen to find out what happens next.

Pat was feeling friend-zoned so Ben reaches out to Jay Whitecotton, William M. Hicks Professor of Postmodern Studies at Duke University and Pat's roommate, to talk about the earth-shattering "philosophy" of consummate edgelord Jordan B. Peterson. In this installment, Jay guides Ben and Pat through the murky swamps of postmodern thought, the Versus Culture, and the virtual battlefields on which so many InCels and SJWs fight maniacally for the hearts and minds of tired, confused people. Pat mostly stared at his phone for this one and only perked up when Jay mentioned stuffed-crust pizza. Join the DSA.

Pat was feeling cosmic, so Ben turns him onto the pantheistic philosophy of 17th Century Rationalist Baruch Spinoza. Harbinger of the Enlightenment and the Scientific Revolution, this Portuguese Dutch Jew developed a system of thought so at odds with the Jewish thought of the time that he ended up getting excommunicated from the Amsterdam Jewish community, giving them a feisty middle finger on the way out. Basically, Baruch AKA Barry AKA Benedictus AKA Bento Spinoza cast doubt on the notion of God being a personal agent with intention, a huge no-no among the Jews cast out from Spain and Portugal at the time. Instead he equated God with Nature, implying that all existence unfolds as an inevitable process and that we're all simply manifestations of God itself. Note the "it", not the "He". God has no personhood, agency, or intention, and is therefore no different than a cosmic, natural force. The cause of it all. In the meantime, the WisdomBois learn that littering is hilarious, Pat's family is anti-semitic, and that giraffes are kosher. Fuck yeah.

Pat was feeling extremely online af lol so Ben brings in fellow philosopher and our 9th fucking guest Joe Faina to explain why we’re all so angry and stupid all the time. Turns out, our behavior and interaction with the world around us is controlled by the platforms through which we express ourselves. As Marshall McLuhan famously declared, “The Medium is the Message.” In other words, Social Media, our iPhones, the Internet, TV, radio, writing & even language itself have pigeonholed our human experience and distilled our essences into nothing but a slurry of enraged idiocy. Excuse us while we drag whoever’s responsible on Twitter.

Pat was feeling self-reliant so Ben welcomes him to the early 19th century philosophy of the Transcendentalists. As the US’s first showing in America’s Got WiseGuys, the Transcendentalist movement drafted the top thinkers of the day to go hard in the paint: Ralph Waldo Emerson, Henry David Thoreau & Margaret Fuller. Together, they crafted a hybrid philosophy championing spiritual independence, American self-reliance, civil disobedience, and generally telling society to fuck off.

Pat was feeling pessimistic so Ben tries to lift his spirits with the philosophy of dour German 8th-grader Arthur Schopenhauer. Born in Danzig in 1788, Schopenhauer grew up in the sunny afterglow of the Enlightenment and absolutely hated it. He developed a philosophy in response to the Enlightenment's unbridled pep, seeing Reason as nothing but a representation of something bigger, dumber and far more violent: the Will. The Will compels us to strive for ultimately nothing meaningful. Money, Power, Love -- it's all bullshit. So just be an artist. Watch out for snakes!

Pat was getting too big for his britches so Ben invites Pat's literal father, Federal Judge John Dean, to weigh in on a loony thought experiment called The Famous Violinist. Concocted by Pat's arch-nemesis Judith Jarvis Thomson, this thought experiment provides a defense of abortion in the most convoluted way possible. It just so happens that Pat's dad, after a failed attempt to become a Catholic priest, wound up studying law instead and clerked for Justice Blackmun, the guy who wrote the majority opinion in Roe v. Wade. Listen & subscribe to hear 3 men talk about a woman's right to choose. What could go wrong? (Srsly tho, support Planned Parenthood.)