Immersion

How do we balance our past experiences and tendencies with the freedom of who we can become? In this episode, part 3 of a mini-series on identity and self-concept, we explore how psychology and philosophy can help us use identity as a tool, without becoming trapped by the story we tell ourselves about who we are.

In this episode, we discuss:

• The Zen concept of “selfing”
• Why we should not mistake the map for the territory
• CBT principles and cognitive restructuring for examining our thoughts and beliefs
• A lesson from Atomic Habits on using identity to support behavior change
• How to develop a flexible sense of self while still maintaining a strong sense of who you are

Mentioned in this episode: 

• Part 1 of this series through the lens of psychology:
  https://www.buzzsprout.com/2318937/episodes/19515584
• Part 2 of this series on identity through the lens of philosophy: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2318937/episodes/19551982
• Full Relationship to the self series playlist on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLPJBR0a3Yz6vsH5TkuPFtd2b7YgbL11OG
• Episode on The Artist's Way: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2318937/episodes/14926488
• And the "selfing" post I was quoting from was by https://www.instagram.com/saragottfriedmd/?hl=en and https://www.instagram.com/elenabrower/

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What is the self? Are we as fixed as we think we are? In this episode, we explore identity, freedom, and self-concept through the lenses of philosophy and spirituality.

Last week, we explored how our self-concept forms through psychology. This week, we're taking the next step.

In this episode, we explore:
- Bad faith with Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir.
- Is there a permanent self? Perspectives from David Hume and Buddhism.
- Who—or what—are we beneath our thoughts? Insights from Eckhart Tolle and Alan Watts.

I'm excited to continue this journey with you. Let's dive in.

Part 1 on identity from the lens of psychology:
https://www.buzzsprout.com/2318937/episodes/19515584

Full Relationship to the self series playlist: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLPJBR0a3Yz6vsH5TkuPFtd2b7YgbL11OG

Timestamps: 
00:00 Bad Faith, Identity, and Choice
08:54 David Hume and the Idea of the Self
14:09 The White Lotus Quote
16:07 Anatta and the Buddhist Concept of No-Self
17:23 Who Is the “I” We Are Speaking Of? - Eckhart Tolle
20:57 Can We Expand the Definition of the Self Even Further?

Ideas / resources discussed in this episode: 

• On Hume: https://iep.utm.edu/hume/ 
• Eckhart Tolle excerpt: https://eckharttolle.com/power-of-now-excerpt/ 
• On Anatta (the Buddhist concept of “not-self”):  https://www.lionsroar.com/buddhism/no-self-anatta/
• We also explored ideas from Sartre, Beauvoir, and Alan Watts.

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In order to love ourselves, we first have to know ourselves. But getting to know ourselves isn't always easy. Over time, we can become attached to a particular identity or story about who we are. While that story may be true, it may only be one part of us, leaving other authentic parts hidden beneath the surface.

In this episode of Immersion, we explore how our self-concept develops, why we become attached to certain identities, and how we can begin reconnecting with who we are beneath the roles, labels, and stories we've accumulated over time.

We'll cover:
- The psychology behind how our self-concept forms, including the role of splitting.
- Why it's normal for our sense of self to be partially shaped by our relationships and social world.
- What the ego actually is (and how it differs from the way the term is often used).
- The role of unconditional positive regard in humanistic psychology, and how being truly seen by others shapes our sense of self.
- Practical exercises to help you get to know yourself more deeply and expand your sense of who you are.

Who are you beneath the story you've been telling yourself?

Timestamps: 
00:00 How Does Self-Concept Form
04:14 Relational Models and the “Looking-Glass Self”
08:13 Ego Defined
10:22 How Self-Concept Becomes Too Rigid and We Suffer
14:12 Carl Rogers and Living With Congruence vs. Incongruence
15:32 Steps to Get to Know Ourselves

Full Relationship to the self series playlist on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLPJBR0a3Yz6vsH5TkuPFtd2b7YgbL11OG

And Podcast version of the first episode of the series: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2318937/episodes/19265696

Resources: 
- Questions to fall in love: https://36questionsinlove.com
- Creativity course book: The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron
- How to Rebuild Self-Identity After Years of Shame by Tim Fletcher https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VWktnnPa8Xs
- Possible further reading - Ego and justification: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/theory-of-knowledge/202105/what-is-the-ego

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Ever feel like the second dating gets stressful, anxious, or overwhelming, your only option is to hit pause and retreat? While taking space is completely valid, true relational growth actually happens in connection with others - not just sitting alone in a room meditating.

In this episode, we explore how to actively work on yourself while staying in the dating game. By leaning into attachment theory and creating safe, corrective experiences, we can use the dating process as a powerful mirror for healing, rather than something we constantly need to escape from.

What We Cover In This Episode:

• Maintaining Your Life: Keeping your anchor in your friends, health, spirituality, and hobbies instead of letting a new connection swallow you whole. 
• Upholding Standards & Boundaries: How to stay true to your values in real-time.
• Detaching from the Outcome: Shifting your focus from "is this my person?" to a much simpler question: "Do I want to see them again?"
• Lowering the Stakes: Remaining curious and letting the process unfold naturally.
• Somatic Awareness: Getting out of your hypervigilant mind and learning to be present in your body and your feelings.

💛 A Gentle Reminder: 
Growth happens on the field, but safety comes first. This approach is best practiced with a solid support system or in therapy. Always listen to your inner wisdom too - taking care of yourself is the priority and taking time off when you genuinely need it is also key. 

Episodes I mentioned as good follow-ups after this: 

• Part 1 on Limerence: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2318937/episodes/19411931
• Part 2 on Limerence: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2318937/episodes/19445097
• Playlist for the whole self-worth series on Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLPJBR0a3Yz6vsH5TkuPFtd2b7YgbL11OG 

Resources: 

• Heidi Priebe's channel - highly recommend her content on attachment styles in particular! https://www.youtube.com/@heidipriebe1
• Attached - Book by Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller - an often-cited book in the field on attachment theory 
• Complex Trauma Podcast by Sarah Herstich - a therapist who describes healing from complex trauma in her podcast, which you can look up on your favorite podcast player.
• Tim's channel has great work on aspects such as codependency and self-worth:  https://www.youtube.com/c/TimFletcher
• Psychology in Seattle is a podcast by a therapist - you can find his work on personality, attachment, etc. Some of his more recent work includes reaction episodes to shows, but you can go to some of his older work if that is not your thing :)

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Part 1 was about the clinical definitions and the "why" behind limerence - this episode is about what it actually feels like to live through it. 

Limerence is a unique experience with some of the highest highs and lowest lows we can go through. 

In this episode, we are diving into the lived reality of the limerent mind. We look at how we use art and music to seek solace or feed the obsession, how obstacles keep the fantasy alive, and what happens when we constantly try to "solve" another person at the expense of our own growth. We also dive into the spectrum between love and limerence, and how an anxious attachment style can make us uniquely vulnerable to outsourcing our self-concept to someone else.

We explore all of this through stories from my own life, friends who generously shared their experiences, listener comments, and examples from culture to make these ideas feel more relatable and less abstract.

If you have ever changed your routine just to catch a glimpse of someone, or felt like you were waiting to live your life because you spent years in fantasy relationships  - you are not alone, and you are not broken. Let’s talk about how we can start gathering real data, ground ourselves in reality, and finally start choosing the reciprocal love we actually deserve.

Here is part 1: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2318937/episodes/19411931

Here is the playlist for the whole self-worth series on Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLPJBR0a3Yz6vsH5TkuPFtd2b7YgbL11OG 

00:00 What Limerence Actually Feels Like
01:43 Art, Music, and Vehicles for Leaning into Limerence
05:50 Limerence Needs Obstacles
06:55 Why Some People Become Limerent More Easily Than Others
07:25 Pulling the Veil Up on Chemistry
10:14 Love Versus Limerence: Is It a Spectrum?
11:02 Time: Is This Constructive or Destructive?
11:50 Unmet Needs and Constant Evaluating
14:05 Worrying to Try to "Solve the Other Person"
16:45 Changing Our Routine in Hopes of Seeing Them
17:48 Grasping, Manic Energy
21:04 Self-Esteem and the Love You Deserve: One Tip for the Anxiously Attached
24:53 Our Culture's Love/Hate Relationship with Limerence
27:13 Reality, Gathering Data, and Journaling
27:49 No Longer Outsourcing Our Self-Concept
29:09 Balance and Love: Is This Living or Waiting to Live?

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Have you ever found yourself completely consumed by thoughts of someone, to the point where it feels less like a crush and more like an overwhelming, permanent presence in your mind?

In this episode, we are doing a deep, nuanced dive into the concept of limerence - a state of profound romantic infatuation, obsessive thoughts, and an intense desire for emotional reciprocation. If you have ever felt trapped by these intense feelings, or wondered why your brain seems to latch onto a specific person with such intensity, this episode is a compassionate space to understand the psychology behind it.

We break down the core ingredients that allow limerence to take root and explore why the object of our affection is referred to psychologically as a "limerent object." We also examine the science behind attachment and love, contrasting limerence with Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love and look at the neurobiology and brain chemistry driving these loops. Finally, we discuss actionable, realistic steps to help you move through these feelings and find clarity on the other side.

00:00 Introducing Limerence: What It Is and Signs 
03:15 An Example of Limerence in Pop Culture
07:20 The Two Main Ingredients for Limerence to Grow 
10:05 A Test to Ask Yourself and Ways Limerence Can Play Out 
11:30 Why Are They Called a Limerent Object? 
14:08 How Limerence Feels: The Emotional Experience 
14:55 How We Choose Who to Be Limerent For 
16:28 Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love (Different Types of Love) 
19:44 The Neurobiology of Love, Attachment, and Brain Chemistry 
21:20 Why Do We Become Limerent? (Root Causes) 
23:52 Steps to Move Through and to the Other Side of Limerent Feelings

Resources: 
2 Videos by Heidi Priebe on Limerence: 
- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9l5ALCPEBkc 
- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y_jzKWiLdE0
Blog on Limerence mentioned
- https://livingwithlimerence.com/blog/ 
- Book by Dorothy Tennov Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love
- SLAA: https://slaafws.org/meetings/ 
- Sternberg's triangular theory of love - the second image has it more filled out if you scroll down a little: https://www.simplypsychology.org/types-of-love-we-experience.html
- You Reclaimed - I cannot find the video I saw by her but some of her other videos may be helpful too: https://www.youtube.com/@YouReclaimedProject/videos

Part 2 on Limerence: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2318937/episodes/19445097

Part 1 of Self-worth Series can be found here: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2318937/episodes/19265696

Full Self-worth series playlist on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLPJBR0a3Yz6vsH5TkuPFtd2b7YgbL11OG

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Do you ever feel like your value as a person depends entirely on your last achievement, your productivity, or what someone else thinks of you? You’re not alone.

This is part 4 in our 10 part series on improving our relationship with ourselves. (See the whole self-worth series here: 
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLPJBR0a3Yz6vsH5TkuPFtd2b7YgbL11OG )

And in this episode we’re diving deep into the concept of contingent (or conditional) self-worth - that exhausting cycle of making our worth dependent on external factors. We talk about where this comes from, whether it’s a lack of supportive "mirrors" growing up, or just a natural byproduct of living in a highly transactional society.

Also covered in this episode: 
- Deconstruction of the word "worth" itself and ask a radical question: Is "worth" even the right metric we should be pursuing?
- Addressing the secret fear we all have - if I fully accept myself right now, will I lose my drive and become lazy?
- Why certain people inherently crave and need external validation more than others.
- Practical steps you can take to shift toward true, unconditional self-worth.

If you've ever felt like you're constantly running on a hamster wheel trying to prove you're "enough," this conversation is for you.

Timestamps: 
00:00 Conditional or contingent self-worth (and why it doesn't work long-term)
03:00 Evolutionary reasons it is normal to crave some external validation
04:30 How this is similar to falling in love - now just with ourselves
06:13 Where does this tendency to outsource our self-worth come from? (Home lives & society)
09:38 Taking apart the word "worth" - is there a better term for this?
10:36 A practice to increase unconditional self-love
11:32 Branches of psychology and philosophy that support this mindset
13:39 Will I become lazy or immoral if I believe I am inherently worthy?
16:20 People who seem to have more or less of a need for validation
18:54 A laundry list of action steps
26:42 Why this is an ongoing journey, not a one-and-done fix
28:51 Diversifying our self-concept
30:16 Clarifying some definitions

Part 1 of Self-worth Series can be found here: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2318937/episodes/19265696

Full Self-worth series playlist on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLPJBR0a3Yz6vsH5TkuPFtd2b7YgbL11OG

Resources mentioned: 
Article mentioned that covers the following: "self-affirmation often involves recalling personal values, strengths, or relationships to restore moral integrity." https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11024277/
Do attractive people have easier lives? https://youtu.be/dY-Ct2O-ML4
On perfectionism: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2318937/episodes/16439411
On grit: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2318937/episodes/18565769

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The topic of self-worth cuts deeper than self-esteem. That is because self-worth is an internal sense that you are enough, and that you are fundamentally deserving of love and respect.

In Part 3 of our "Relationship to Self" series, we are diving deep into the foundations of self-worth.

In this episode, we look at:

• Where are we actually getting validation from?
• How does toxic shame quietly undermine our value?
• What do we truly care about versus what are the games we play to feel like we "stack up?”
• Tangible practices we can start using today to build our self-worth.

I hope this episode supports you on your journey of personal growth and strengthening your relationship with yourself. 

Timestamps: 

00:00 The Difference Between Self-Worth & Self-Esteem
01:20 External vs Internal Validation 
08:50 Sources of Validation and the Masks we Wear 
17:51 How Toxic Shame Secretly Destroys Your Confidence
24:34 Vulnerability and True Authenticity

Part 1 of Self-worth Series can be found here: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2318937/episodes/19265696

Full Self-worth series playlist on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLPJBR0a3Yz6vsH5TkuPFtd2b7YgbL11OG

Resources mentioned: 

• Heidi Priebe’s video on healing from toxic shame: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y47iJrbO2ug
• Brene Brown’s book The Gifts of Imperfection: 
  https://brenebrown.com/book/the-gifts-of-imperfection/
• Jack’s website - there is a link for a free e-book for actors in the menu bar! 
  https://jackplotnick.com/
• Info on the Enneagram: https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-descriptions/
• Interesting thoughts on 12 step programs even if not religious: -              https://americanaddictioncenters.org/blog/not-religious

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While self-esteem may seem like an elusive, vague concept, there are practical, everyday actions we can take to build it. In this episode, we explore the actionable frameworks outlined in the classic book, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden. Together, we will dive into all six pillars: living consciously, self-acceptance, self-responsibility, self-assertiveness, living purposefully, and living with integrity. Beyond the theory, we’ll look at real-world examples and the exact tools needed to implement them, such as Branden's famous sentence completion exercises. I've also included several of my favorite quotes from the book. I hope this helps you deepen your relationship with yourself as part of our ongoing series! This is part 2 in the series. You can find part 1 here: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2318937/episodes/19265696

Part 1 of Self-worth Series can be found here: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2318937/episodes/19265696

Full Self-worth series playlist on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLPJBR0a3Yz6vsH5TkuPFtd2b7YgbL11OG

Resources: 
The book: https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/79352.Six_Pillars_of_Self_Esteem
On sentence completion work: https://nathanielbranden.com/sentence-completion-i/

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You likely know how you feel about your relationships with other people - but how do you feel about your relationship with yourself?

Whether we realize it or not, our relationship with ourselves influences nearly everything: our relationships, choices, ambitions, and even how we interpret everyday experiences.

In this new series, we'll explore that relationship from many angles, including self-esteem and self-worth, validation, comparison, limerence, trauma, self-concept, and more.

In this first episode, we explore why our relationship with ourselves matters so much - and why examining it isn't just navel-gazing or self-absorption. We discuss how self-esteem and self-worth issues can show up in subtle, often unconscious ways, introduce key concepts we'll build on throughout the series, and lay the foundation for the conversations ahead.

If you've ever wondered why certain patterns keep repeating in your life, why some feedback affects you more than it should, or why your sense of worth can feel surprisingly fragile despite your accomplishments, this series is for you. 

This is Part 1 of an ongoing series exploring our relationship with ourselves and how it shapes the way we move through the world.

00:00 How Is Your Relationship With Yourself?
00:53 Why Does This Matter?
03:49 How Common Is Low Self-Esteem?
05:51 What We'll Explore in This Series
09:10 Foundational Ideas for the Journey Ahead
10:27 Key Terms & Definitions
12:22 Beyond Self-Care: Feeling Worthy and Taking Loving Actions
15:37 Why We Sometimes Sabotage Ourselves
17:48 Does Self-Esteem Make Us Arrogant?
19:41 A Simple Definition of Self-Esteem

Article mentioned: 
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9276660/

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