Immersion

If you’ve been on the apps for some time, you know that while there are more options than ever to find love presented in front of us, in many ways, it can feel harder. This is counterintuitive - so in this episode, we explore why that is the case and apply The Paradox of Choice by Barry Schwartz to the dating context.

In this episode, we cover:

- An experiment I did over the summer: dating 12 men in 12 weeks, what I learned, and the deeper psychological reason behind the experiment.
- Statistics and the optimal stopping theory
- Counterfactual thinking and opportunity costs: is there someone better just one swipe away?
- How the apps encourage a consumer-like mindset.
- The famous jam study by Sheena Iyengar and Mark Lepper, and what it can teach us about dating.
- How we find love today compared to our ancestors.
- A mindset shift to help us treat each person more like the full human being they are.

Chapters: 
00:00 The paradox of choice in dating 
01:20 The secretary problem: how long should you keep looking? 
02:43 My dating experiment: 12 men in 12 weeks 
07:03 Counterfactual thinking, opportunity costs, and seeing each person’s strengths 
09:35 Love in the modern world compared to the past  
12:24 The 37% rule: when should you stop looking? 
16:07 How dating apps encourage a consumer mindset 
18:24 An exercise in limiting choice 
20:14 The main takeaway and what’s next?

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Would you rather feel happy with your decision or make a slightly better “objective” choice?

It’s an interesting question, and in this episode, we unpack it through the lens of maximizing vs. satisficing. What does it mean to make a “good enough” choice versus the “best” choice? And what makes a choice the best one, anyway? Is it really the best choice if it leaves you filled with regret or constantly comparing yourself to others?

We’ll explore research from Barry Schwartz’s book The Paradox of Choice, alongside some of my own theories about how maximizing and satisficing might interact with different personality traits and individual characteristics.

In the second half of the episode, we turn to practical ways to become more comfortable with “good enough.” From CBT-informed strategies to shifting our expectations and perspectives, we’ll explore how we can make choices with greater confidence and less regret - and how our consumer culture, with its seemingly endless options, encourages us to keep maximizing in the first place.

Chapters: 

00:00 Would You Rather Make the Best Choice or Be Happy With Your Choice? 

02:21 What Is Satisficing? Introducing Herbert Simon 

03:12 Maximizing and Barry Schwartz 

03:45 Quiz: Are You a Maximizer or a Satisficer? 

04:54 Maximizing and Satisficing Can Vary by Area of Life 

06:15 The Downsides of Maximizing 

07:59 Personality, Past Experiences, and Maximizing 

09:24 The Problem With Too Many Options 

12:30 Fear of Regret and the Vicious Cycle of Maximizing 

13:38 Social Comparison and Maximizing 

16:30 How to Satisfice More Often 

Resources mentioned: The Paradox of Choice - Book by Barry Schwartz

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Do you struggle making decisions? The vast amount of optionality in our modern world has improved our lives in many ways, but it has also left many of us feeling frozen - trapped under the weight of our decisions and the fear of regret.

If you struggle with decisions big or small, this series on decision-making is for you. Specifically, we will ask: Do more options actually make our lives better? We will examine this in relationships, places to live, media, and more. We will also explore decision fatigue, heuristics, and research by Barry Schwartz from The Paradox of Choice. 

And we'll ask: Does analyzing our choices more actually improve them? As you might guess, it depends on how we go about it.

Finally, in this episode in particular, I share how much of this is centered on fear. I have often been obsessed with decision-making, but much of that was fear-based, and I am learning new ways to make choices more confidently.

We are excited to embark on this series with you all! Please send in your thoughts, ideas, and questions that you think will make it even more interesting or helpful.

Resources / mentioned in this episode: 
The Paradox of Choice - Book by Barry Schwartz
Peak-end rule by Daniel Kahneman

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If you imagine 12 people lined up and ask each of them what it means to be successful, you may be surprised to realize that almost everyone is using a different scoreboard. Even two people who are both trying to become more intelligent could have completely different ideas of what intelligence (and success within it) actually looks like.

We are all running different races or playing different games, so to speak. But what game are you playing? And did you consciously choose it?

In this episode, we explore the invisible rubrics we use to measure our lives: from money, achievement, intelligence and beauty to kindness, humor, connection, freedom, creativity and dozens of others. We look at how our families, cultures and environments influence what we learn to value, how those standards can become internalized, and how to distinguish between something we simply want and something we’re actually using to measure our success.

We also get practical: I share questions you can use to uncover your own rubric, a long list of the many ways people define success, and some clues hiding in where your attention, energy and idle thoughts naturally go. We’ll hear from a listener about the relationship between these "scoreboards" and self-esteem, and look at how the things we choose to optimize for ultimately shape our actions and the lives we build.

Because our time is finite, we can't optimize for everything. So it may be worth asking: What are you keeping score of - and is it still the game you want to be playing?

Chapters: 

00:00 What game are you playing?
02:05 Micro vs. macro rubrics of success
03:24 Almost no one is playing the same game
05:05 Cultural capital & internalization
07:31 How to figure out your rubric of success
11:20 Listener voicemail: Internal vs. external measures of success
15:10 The many ways we define success
20:51 Where does your mind go when you’re doing nothing?
21:28 Your sub-rubric: How your definition of success shapes your actions
24:40 Four Thousand Weeks: Finite time & what we choose to optimize for
30:37 Choosing environments that reward what you value

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Life can feel like a lot of moving parts. Work, relationships, health, money, creativity, family, fun - when everything is swirling around at once, it can be hard to step back and see the whole picture.
For more than a decade, I’ve used a simple practice to help with this: breaking my life into categories. The categories have changed as my life has changed, but I keep coming back to the framework when I want to regroup, set goals, or simply see where things stand.
In this episode, I walk through my current categories, how they’ve evolved over the years, and some other ways we might think about mapping out a life.

We get into:
- Is life better represented as a list, a bar graph, a pie chart—or an interconnected web?
- What happens when one area of life takes up more space than the others?
- Diversification vs. seasons when we intentionally prioritize certain areas
- Why taking stock of our lives can be especially useful during periods of transition
- How you might create a framework that makes sense for your own life

And we listen to a voicemail for the show about emotions and Inside Out 2!

Video version here in case it helps to see some of this! https://youtu.be/ENFyTlno5bQ

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Today we welcome Rebecca Stone to the podcast to talk about somatic therapy - the intersection of mind, body, and emotions. I had been wanting to speak to someone with this expertise because sometimes I feel like emotions are almost “trapped” in my body, and thinking my way out feels impossible. We hear a lot about the nervous system these days, but I wanted to speak to someone who works practically at the intersection of mind and body.

Rebecca teaches us about Hakomi therapy and the bioenergetics and Core Energetics models. She shares a framework of five character structures and how they can develop in childhood based on when wounding occurs, how fragmentation can affect our core beliefs, and what healing can look like as we develop greater freedom of expression and new options for responding. We also explore how these strategies map onto other frameworks we know within psychology, such as attachment theory.

Throughout the episode, we also discuss how intergenerational family trauma can impact all of this. So much can be passed down across generations, and Rebecca encourages us to expand the scope beyond looking only at our parents to consider what they may have inherited themselves - whether genetically or through learned behaviors, family patterns, and experiences.

Timestamps: 
00:00 Somatic therapy: mind, body, and emotions
01:30 “How did personality develop to protect pain?” - and the 5 character structures
13:45 What does healing look like? “What is the core belief that perpetuates the wound?”
16:20 “If we only talk about what we know, we are not going to get anywhere” - the body and trauma
19:31 What is healing? Expanding our window of tolerance

Rebecca's practice at Brooklyn Somatic Therapy: https://www.brooklynsomatictherapy.com

This episode was transformative for me, and I hope it will be for you too! Thanks for tuning in, and thank you Rebecca for coming on Immersion.

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I sat down with clinical psychologist Anita, who specializes in trauma work to talk about what working through trauma actually looks like, how trauma-focused therapy works, and what healing can look like in practice.

Timestamps: 
00:00  Meet Anita & What we cover in this episode 
01:42 When Are You Ready to Work on Trauma?
03:08  What Is Trauma-Focused Therapy?
04:08  Avoidance: How Do We Avoid Looking at Trauma?
07:18  Trauma, Self-Worth & Bridging the Gap Between Knowing and Feeling
10:57  Cognitive Processing Therapy & Incremental Improvement
12:00  How Different Forms of Therapy Work Together
16:55  Corrective Experiences & Healing in Connection
18:50  How Do We Learn Who Is Safe to Trust?
22:01  How Do We Change Our Patterns?
23:57  How “The Pendulum” Shows Up in Our Patterns
25:40  What Are the Stages of Healing From Trauma?
31:05  What Is Trauma? What Is PTSD?
34:07  Stepping Away From Comparative Suffering: “Your Pain Is Your Pain”
35:39  Integrating Fragmented Memories & Building a Narrative of Our Lives
38:36  Moving Between the Stages: Healing Isn’t Linear
41:10  The Back and Forth Between Therapy & Life
42:00  What to Expect in Therapy If You’ve Never Been
43:04  Why Is Therapy a One-Sided Relationship?

Referenced in this episode:
Judith Herman, Trauma and Recovery
Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT): https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/treatments/cognitive-processing-therapy

Anita's practice is currently full, but if anything changes, I will link more about her work here!

Content note: This episode includes non-graphic discussion of trauma, PTSD, and abuse.

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How do we make our lives feel fuller, more alive, and packed with meaningful memories? Often we stick to the same routine - watching the same shows or scrolling the same apps - even if we would rather be at a book reading by a local author, jumping in to dance at a free salsa class, or taking part in a board game meetup group.

It can be hard to know about the vast array of events happening in our cities and towns, and it can also be hard to then make ourselves go to them (assuming we even have the time or bandwidth to begin with). Here I want to lighten the load a little by giving ideas for how to find these events, and also dive into why they matter so much for our growth, creativity, community, and sense of possibility.

In this episode we:

• Look at how seeking out new experiences can help with career success, including a few ideas from the book Range
• Examine what we are really after - because often it is not simply “music” or “comedy,” but a sense of wonder, play, sensory experiences, physicality, or something else entirely
• Acknowledge the privilege involved in being able to have this conversation, and explore ways to seek out new experiences within our current constraints
• Dive into the myriad ways these experiences can benefit us, from new ways of thinking and increased compassion, to better stories, a sense that time is slowing down, and feeling more alive and full of zest for life
• Share many thoughts on community specifically - which is such a big part of this, because we are getting out of the house and spending time with other humans!

Timestamps: 
00:00 How to make your life feel bigger
02:04 What are you looking for? Finding the right experiences for you
05:38 What’s stopping us from actually doing these things?
09:32 This is a no-guilt approach to making your life bigger
10:16 How to find things to do near you—and actually go
21:52 Why novelty, community, and this kind growth matter
30:34 More thoughts on community specifically

Resources and potential follow up episodes: 

• How time slows down with novel experiences: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2318937/episodes/17926814
• How to build community: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2318937/episodes/16532349
• Range: Why Generalists Triumph in a Specialized World book by David Epstein referenced 
• The Artist's Way book / course by Julia Cameron referenced
• Quick relevant article: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/happy-trails/201607/activation-energy-how-it-keeps-happiness-distance

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Contempt is one of the most damaging emotions in human connection - but what exactly is it, and why can it be so difficult to let go of?

In this episode of Immersion, we explore the walls that are often built between ourselves and others, sometimes unspoken and sometimes maintained for decades. These walls can form between people in romantic relationships, workplaces, the political arena, group dynamics, and even within our relationship to ourselves.

Some psychologists suggest that contempt doesn’t simply go away on its own - it persists unless we begin to break down the walls that keep us separated. So today, we’re asking: What are these walls made of?

Finally, we explore how contempt can often be an attempt to get out in front of pain - to protect ourselves before we can be hurt.

I hope this episode helps you dive deeper into the ways we can find healing through connection. I’d love to hear what you think.

00:00 The most dangerous emotion in human connection: contempt
00:44 What is contempt? An example
02:40 How different psychologists define contempt: primary vs. secondary emotions
05:13 When is contempt likely to occur?
7:00 Criticism vs. contempt
07:25 It’s not about if we have conflict, but how we have conflict
08:04 Why this emotion is so dangerous: resentment, walls, and disengagement
09:24 What does contempt look like?
10:20 Why doesn’t contempt just go away?
12:13 Group dynamics and contempt
15:29 Contempt directed at the self
16:44 Action steps and hope

Resources: 
- Paul Ekman on contempt: https://www.paulekman.com/universal-emotions/what-is-contempt/
- Vanessa Van Edwards speaking about contempt on The Psychology of Relationships podcast https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-psychology-of-relationships/id1852111386?i=1000777054616
- The Gottman Institute on Contempt https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-contempt/
- Psychology today article quoted for group dynamics part: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-psychology-of-intergroup-conflict-and-reconciliation/202204/a-devil-in-disguise-how
- Terry Real quote on contempt directed outwards vs inwards https://www.youtube.com/shorts/vgWJvcxZvxU

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Are the love languages actually still a useful tool in 2026?

The original 5 Love Languages book was published by Dr. Gary Chapman in 1992, but the framework is still talked about today - from long-term relationships to first dates and everything in between.

In this episode, we take a nuanced look at the love languages and ask:

• What are the 5 Love Languages?
• What are the strengths and limitations of this framework?
• What is Truity’s updated version, the 7 Love Styles?
• What does the research actually say?
• What are some practical ways to apply these ideas in your relationships?
• How might the framework apply to friendships, family relationships, and other connections?
• What can we learn from other people’s experiences with the love languages? 
• And, ultimately, how useful do I think this framework is?

I also share some thoughts and tips I heard from people in my life when I brought up the love languages with them.

Timestamps: 

00:00 What we will cover
00:30 What are the 5 love languages?
02:49 A common complaint about these in the modern world
04:58 How this can look more specifically: examples to get more clear (physical touch and intellectual connection)
10:08 Does this apply in dating? Do people have the same love language they like to give and receive?
12:28 Digging into why this specific need or gesture matters to you
13:59 The 7 love styles by Truity
18:43 How might this apply to many relationships? (not only romantic ones!)
22:19 Does this change over time?
23:31 Action steps - making a list of how you want to receive your love language: specific actions
25:43 Rating this framework: what does the research say, and what are the limitations?
29:51 Are you able to receive your favorite love language?

Resources: 

• Love Languages Quiz: To take the original love languages quiz.
• Truity’s 7 Love Styles Test: Truity’s updated framework for thinking about how we give and receive love.
• Related Podcast Episode - Psychology of Relationships hosted by Julie Krafchick and Yue Xu, this is an episode featuring Molly Owens discussing the love styles
• Research Mentioned in the Episode by Sharon M Flicker and Flavia Sancier-Barbosa

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