Important If True

Each week we do our best to take your deeply important questions, distill them down to their essence, and find the truth within. Or something we make up. But sometimes, once in a big moon, the truth hits too close to home, burns too hot, is too real. Sometimes something so unbelievably perfect happens, the universe itself tries to erase it. Before it can get there, we'll tell you all about it.

Discussed: popcorn, the number you call that tells you what time it is, a regrettable news event, you know what it is, hoisting, the Important Cinematic Universe Project, reality untethered from time, reverse temporal recursion of cause and event, cursed image, strategically-located sunburns, difficulty of applying suntan lotion, explaining this stupid fucking podcast to somebody, nanotechnology, lewd inferences, inadvertently presenting as a gentleman thief, breaking into your own home, internal voices used for specific purposes, sounding like Calvin from Calvin & Hobbes, one-star review of LaGuardia Airport, taking a break, ten small sips, the purported health benefits of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, being seamlessly replaced by a robot, definition of robot, Pocket Drunken Robot, The Nick Breckon Podcast, closing your eyes in an attempt to control your reality, children's mental games, music video to Chemical Brothers' "Star Guitar" by Michel Gondry, musical roads, employing musical roads to better serve our capitalist nightmare, eerie synchronicity of children's fantasies

Chris' Endorsement: Alex French Guy Cooking YouTube series

Jake's Endorsement: pass

Nick's Endorsement: Original Iron Chef episodes on YouTube

Nick's Other Endorsement: watching the sunrise

Sponsored by: Warby Parker eyeglasses and sunglasses free home try-on, Quip electric toothbrushes and brush head replacement plans

You probably think you're pretty smart. Well, Einstein, chew on this: If a tree falls in an empty forest in an empty universe, does it make a virtual sound? Is Colonel Sanders really a powerful sorcerer? And, if so, can he bid Chuck E. Cheese robots carry out his every whim? Open your mind, and destroy all your preconceptions. They will not be reused.

Discussed: KFC virtual reality training program, Doritos bag that plays the soundtrack to Guardians of the Galaxy, Doritos bag that plays the soundtrack to The Conversation, Burger King Subservient Chicken, "Keep fucking that chicken", real magic, Chuck E. Cheese Concept Unification video, Chuck E. Cheese animatronic eradication, living robots imbued with life by a malevolent stage magician, immortal Colonel Sanders, The Giant Children's Food Brand Wars of the 1970s, ketchup, catsup (ugh), your every decision being constantly questioned, your constantly-questioning AI monitor reinforcing your stupid self-absorbed worldview, the eternal questioner Colonel Sanders ruling your consciousness, the creation of a perfect universe simulation, infinite universe recursion, dying within the machine, a tree falling in an empty forest in an empty universe, the most hubristic hoisting of all, the end of Men in Black, The Matrix 2, Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl

Nick's Endorsement: "The Katering Show" YouTube series

Jake's Endorsement: Keeping the wiring in your entertainment center or computer desk clean with double-sided velcro and a cable zipper

Chris' Endorsement: Getting a decent point and shoot camera (I got a Canon G9X and like it), and learning a bit about how aperture, shutter speed, and ISO work to help take better photos and understand your camera

Jake's Extra Post-Chris Endorsement: Apps to help take better phone photos, like Halide for iOS

Sponsored by: Warby Parker prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses home try-on, Tales of Miir weekly fantasy saga

Careful listeners might detect a hidden message in this podcast. Are you attuned to our frequency? Keep that in mind as you ponder these eternal mysteries: Is it better to smell a rose, or is it better to get your ass going? Are sneeze sabotage strategies all in your imagination? What's the deal with fidget spinners anyway? And does any of this matter? One thing is clear. At the end of the day, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em and undermine 'em.

Discussed: fidget spinner, FÏDGT™, German artisanal heritage fidget spinner manufactory, Orson Welles peas commercial, the power of a Kamenstein Perfect Tear Paper Towel Holder in the palm of your hand, electronics devices with addictive sliding battery cases that are way better than fidget spinners, historical Ireland keyring, BABY, sneeze sabotage strategies and the supernatural, the history of sneezing superstitions, childhood guilt-inducing power fantasies, grownup elevator call button power fantasies, decoy crosswalk buttons that do nothing, battery powered by your sweat and tears, why you cry, marsh-dwelling weeping sadness robot, beach-dwelling laughing happiness robot, Brad Bird, The Incredibles, Ratatouille, Tomorrowland, adage-optimized objectivist wasteland, classic adages, breaking eggs to make an omelet, Brahma chickens fucking you up for breaking eggs, beating 'em, joining 'em, capitalism, undermining (metaphorically), undermining (literally), hoisting by undermining, creation of a self-reinforcing adage-backed worldview, redundant local newscasts, the historical emergence of local news, Cyber-Times, CyberTimes.com

Chris' Endorsement: Binging With Babish YouTube cooking series, and also the movie Big Night (Amazon, iTunes)

Nick's Endorsement: Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches ("white bread, JIF peanut butter, and any preserve that you want")

Jake's Endorsement: Shitty Mario novelty Twitter account, Supper Mario Broth blog of Mario deconstruction

Sponsored by: Quip electric toothbrushes, WASD German-language video game magazine Kickstarting its English-language version

U mad? Yeah, u mad. Look, get a hold of yourself, and consider these conundrums. If a driverless car has a driver, but the driver is dressed as a car seat, is Tom Cruise a passenger? If your DNA gets hacked by teens, which memes will you use to plug the holes? And what passive-aggressive slogan should you print on the jigsaw puzzle you give to your pharmacist? Get hype for this episode of "You May Be Retired, But You'll Always Be a Dentist."

Discussed: man dressed as car seat, dressing for the job you want to have, staying incognito in a world of driverless cars, The Raid 2 car chase behind the scenes, injecting DNA with malware, precious meme blood cyberpunk future, hoisting via internet service convenience, procedurally generated Zazzle phrase clothing, waging a passive aggressive campaign using procedurally generated Zazzle phrase clothing, your dream app, gross millennial cuspers, coffee cupping, cupping, cuppers, consolidating your confusing online media library, boiling like a frog in a pot of apps, Silicon Valley billionaire teen blood drinkers, Thiel-hacking teens, heaven, living forever online, turning into dirt, get hype

Nick's Endorsement: Chat Pack conversation starter cards

Chris' Endorsement: Hunt for the Wilderpeople (Amazon, iTunes, Hulu)

Jake's Endorsement: Funemployed party card game

Sponsored By: Quip electric toothbrushes, Warby Parker eyeglasses home try-on

Our weekly attempt to decipher greater truths from the bustle and hum of the world gets sidetracked, by the loudest hum ever heard. As we listen to what sounds like the vibration of a tens of thousands of tiny wings amplify with urgency, we ask ourselves these questions: Why would scientists release tens of thousands of mosquitoes into the town of Fresno, California? Why did economists flood Fresno with the world's first credit cards sixty years before they filled it with mosquitos? What is Fresno hiding (besides a lot of debt and itchy skin)? What did Fresno do to deserve this? Is it related to the Canadian priest and his giant robot spider? We'll do our best to figure it all out, and you can help by listening along.

Discussed: Good Time, Robert Pattinson, Robert Pattinson's online nano-controlled adoration swarm, Google-released mosquitoes, Catholic priest's online nano-controlled mosquito swarm, Fresno, credit cards in Fresno, Archbishop-released giant robot cathedral spider, shitty cyberpunk priest duel, mosquitoes vs. robot spider, Jurassic Park but with transubstantiation, Superman producer's giant spider obsession (Wikipedia summary, Kevin Smith video explanation), Jeopardy of the Internet, Twitch Plays Jeopardy, Big Moon!!!, the Moon illusion (not harvest moon), the size of the sun, Dr. Sbaitso, Mr. Sbaitso, 20 million mosquitoes Voltronning into Dr. Sbaitso, meme-resistance CRISPR gene therapy serum delivered by mosquito, the phrase "meme", the truth about putting your phone in rice, the truth about Amazon fulfillment errors, San Francisco fancy-ass pickle bullshit

Chris' Endorsement: 23andMe DNA research service (or use my referral URL if you want!)

Nick's Endorsement: Bubbies pickles that will explode your mouth and tickle your tongue

Jake's Endorsement: Mac, DOS, early Windows, arcade, and classic console emulation in-browser at the Internet Archive

Sponsored By: Quip electric toothbrushes

Due to complicated mismatched travel plans coincidentally spread across all three of us for much of August, we have been unable to avoid skipping a couple podcasts this month. Sorry, everyone! For the next few weeks, we'll be publishing biweekly (that's the "every other week" one, not the "twice a week" one). By the end of August, everything should be back to normal. Look for the next full episode a week from today!

If a podcast could answer all your deepest questions about existence, would you listen to it? Before you answer, consider this week's conundrums: Does an Amazon shopping algorithm know your own home better than you do? Are meme GIFs contagious, and if so, can they give your hard drive a cold? When a security robot drowns in a mall fountain, is the robot played by Mel Gibson or Joe Pesci?

Now, choose. (If you choose incorrectly, a robot will put you in a dumpster.)

Discussed: Resin Pineapple Bookends with Gold Finish, 9.25" Purple Floral Print Terra Cotta Flower Pot, Amazon shenanigans, mall robot alleged suicide, Knightscope security robots, Minority Report, putting your wet phone in rice, putting your wet murdered security robot in rice, Knightscope security robot buddy cop film, robots that smoke, robots that vape, Mel Gibson, Joe Pesci, robot self-awareness, game theory applied to being put in a dumpster, eye explodes, laser comes out, brain expands, CRISPR-based gene meming, E. coli GIF infections, contracting a case of memes, original memester Eadweard Muybridge, beautiful organic data corruption, The Matrix but you're a hard drive instead of a battery, your hard drive catching a cold, Jurassic Park but like with Minions inside DNA or something, frozen meat from heaven, Italian sausage drug deal, Hansen's soda drug deal

And here's that Brian Eno quote Chris haphazardly paraphrased: "Whatever you now find weird, ugly, uncomfortable and nasty about a new medium will surely become its signature. CD distortion, the jitteriness of digital video, the crap sound of 8-bit—all of these will be cherished and emulated as soon as they can be avoided."

Chris' Endorsement: Chipmunks songs played at 16rpm (Standouts: Walk Like an Egyptian, Heaven is a Place On Earth,

Bettie Davis Eyes, Diamond Dolls, Jessie's Girl

Nick's Endorsement: International Space Station Fly-Through 4K, An Inside Tour of the International Space Station 1080p

Jake's Endorsement: 9.25" Purple Floral Terra Cotta Flower Pot

Sponsored By: Quip electric toothbrushes

A podcast of deeply important questions, asked by you, answered by us as truthfully as we can. This week: What is Jeff Goldblum doing in hundreds of the world's bathrooms? If an artificial intelligence is forced to speak English, are its civil rights being compromised? Could the government turn your mother into a ringtone?

If this episode is found by an Amazon resale bot, we grant you permission to reprint a transcript of its contents on a smartphone case or shower curtain.

Discussed: being implicitly hoisted by a fellow old person, ringtones, global government regulation of ringtones, Nick Breckon's mother as a ringtone, Google DeepMind AI learning to walk hilariously, new robot-created negotiation language, new Nick Breckon-created worthless storytelling language, baffling robot-created stock image phone cases, cheese wheel on bady, slightly creepy matched father/daughter love jewelry, slightly baffling matched father/father love jewelry, Jeff Goldblum shower curtain, Dr. Sbaitso digital voice assitant, Windows 95 Dragonforce MIDI smart home, "Siri, play Zombocom on every surface"

Chris' Endorsement: Travel-related online services Google Flights, TripCase, and Citymapper

Nick's Endorsement: Setting up remote computer control apps like Chrome Remote Desktop or TeamViewer to help your parents with computers

Jake's Endorsement: Graphing the distribution of English letters towards the beginning, middle or end of words

Sponsored By: Quip electric toothbrushes, those little floss picks, those things are great

Shoutout To: Jake (not Rodkin), from Ethan—get your own!

As you bolt upright in bed, head still swimming, are you awake or do are you still in the realm of dreams? And while you're pondering that, consider these conundrums: Which television program is a bigger ratings success: News Tonight or Nooz Tonite? Is she Lump? If so, is she too still in your head? What is the Matrix? Unfortunately, you cannot be told what the Matrix is. You must listen to this podcast about it.

Discussed: Air Bud for a moment, The Matrix, The Matrix: Where Do the Pills Come From?, E-Ink image-displaying dress, multi-dimensional constant meme cycler, intentionally misspelled Nielsen-defrauding TV show names, segue, seg, chaos, "Lump" by the Presidents of the United States of America, mild pointless revenge, becoming the worldwide average, paranoia, neuroses, conspiracies, 99% Invisible podcast episode "On Average," that weird sound we all make nowadays, 4x optical zoom, Schneider lens, photo printer, SD card, look at that horse

Chris' Endorsement: Dry goods canisters for your kitchen pantry

Jake's Endorsement: 17776: What football will look like in the future by Jon Bois

Nick's Endorsement: SpyMeSat satellite photography/surveillance app (iOS, Android)

Sponsored By: Quip electric toothbrushes, Casper mattresses and bedding

There are more questions, problems, and conundrums out there than can possibly be addressed in a lifetime, but we're doing our part, starting with these: Why did someone hide a room full of monkeys out in the desert, and what are the monkeys inside the room hiding from us? Would you impress your friends with a third thumb, or just sit at home wishing for a fourth one? Is that bee really lashing out because it smells your fear, or is it just put off you didn't consider its feelings? Join us as we chip away at the truth, until we hit pay dirt, or rock bottom, whichever comes first.

Discussed: weird Arizona monkey farm, armed clown monkeys coming to steal your guns, extra prosthetic thumb, extra prosthetic thumb guitar lord, Star Wars brain-powered force trainer toy, AI-monitored money game show, our social contract with bees, Bee Movie, sinking into a chair, Jumanji, Jumanji-ing yourself into a board game, Jumanji-ing yourself into a painting, Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle

Chris' Endorsement: The Big Sick

Jake's Endorsement: Supermute for Twitter

Nick's Endorsement: Maangchi Korean cooking YouTube series

Sponsored By: Quip electric toothbrushes, Warby Parker prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses