In the Middle of It with Amy Kelly, The Ish Girl

Middle School Teachers MUST Connect with Their Students – Here are 5 Reasons Why

A SHIFT IN PERSPECTIVE

Recently, I've watched several close friends walk through devastating losses. We're all still dealing with the fallout – grief, confusion, and trying to figure out a new normal.

As you might imagine, my heart is a bit raw and my perspective has been sharpened. I'm hugging my kids a little more often – when they'll let me! – and my prayer life has been jump-started.

Now, as I said, my perspective has been shifted – and it's not that I didn't have my focus squarely centered on how to love and influence and connect with my teens. It's just that now, there's a renewed sense of urgency. These losses have been a poignant reminder that there are no guarantees in life, and that motivates me to, as Thoreau put it, "live deep and suck out all the marrow of life." (And yes, I totally know that quote because of Dead Poet's Society.)

And that ties directly into what I want to talk to you all about today.

THIS ONE'S FOR THE MIDDLE SCHOOL TEACHERS

This one is directed at you Middle School teachers out there. And while I think you probably know this intuitively, I thought it was something worthy of being spelled out.

For those of you who aren't middle school teachers, lean in anyway. I'm assuming you're the parent of a teen, and what I'm about to share is one way to recognize the GREAT teachers they have. When you see a teacher doing these things, take note. It means they have a passion for your child and a drive to help them become the person he or she is meant to be.

THE BIG IDEA FOR MIDDLE SCHOOL TEACHERS

Are you ready? Here it is: IT IS SUPER IMPORTANT FOR MS TEACHERS TO CONNECT WITH THEIR STUDENTS.

A Necessary Caveat

Now, before I explain what I mean by this, I have to put this caveat out there: in NO WAY am I making the claim that student grades or test score go up or down based on a connection with their teachers.

As an educator, I know all too well, that our students are not widgets or computer hard drives or any other kind of product that can be assembly-lined into existence. Kids are affected by a million different factors, many (if not most!) outside the classroom, including but not limited to: hormones, sleep quality, trauma, hunger, abuse, parenting styles, social drama, and personality. Believe me when I say that is not an exhaustive list. But it's enough to get my point across.

However, I am still making the case that connection with students plays a major factor in some other areas. Stay with me as I share what they are.

It makes it more likely that students are willing to learn from you

Have you tried learning from a teacher you didn't like? I have, and the issue wasn't so much that I didn't like her as it was that I felt she didn't like me. It made it super difficult to receive any of her knowledge and wisdom without second-guessing her.

So, why not maximize the learning opportunity? When you project the right energy in your classroom, your students feel heard, respected, and valued. It can influence how they feel about you, and when they like you, they work hard to impress you and please you. Kind of like working for a good boss – you're willing to do anything it takes because you're part of the team.

When your energy is welcoming, accepting, and respectful, you have a better chance of inspiring your students to work hard and engage in your classroom.

In fact, in a study done in Evaluation and Research in Education, the authors note that "When students like the teacher their effort and quality of work improves." I'm going to be sharing more from this article as I go along, so I've included it in my show notes if you'd like to read it.

It makes classroom management easier

Which comes first, the chicken or the egg? Or, which comes first, connecting with your students leads to appropriate behavior or appropriate behavior leads to connection?

I think it's a little of both. At the very least, it's a symbiotic relationship – bottom line, when they feel safe, they're more likely to connect. What might be surprising is that if your classroom is not well-managed, it's not only the kids struggling with the boundaries who will resist connection – it's the quiet ones who are observing what's happening. Those students won't want to connect either, because they don't trust you to provide a safe, orderly learning environment.

Having an organized, orderly classroom means that once you've spent the time upfront to train your students in procedures, you can begin to focus and pay attention to them as individuals – and start sharing more of yourself, when appropriate.

And, when you truly see each other, it's easier to deal with any issues that do come up.

It opens the door for more interactive lessons

When you've built a relationship of trust with your students, you can take them further into your curriculum, and do more creative, interactive activities with them. Students are more willing to exert effort and try things.

In another article I found, again, there's a link to it in the show notes, the author maintains (based on a study done in Germany) that "When students have positive relationships with their teachers, it affects how they view school and how engaged they are."

Again, conversely, if there's no trust, even the best students don't feel free to take risks in your classroom

In the podcast, I've shared one way I was able to do this, so make sure you tune in if you'd like an example.

It's the only way you're going to impact them the way you want to

You want to have a positive impact, and you can't do that without connection – no connection means they won't remember the things you want them to walk out of your classroom knowing, or they'll remember you for the wrong reasons.

You want to be the grownup they remember – that one teacher who's thanked from the Oscars stage or has a book dedicated in your honor. (Okay, that's tongue-in-cheek, but I think we all harbor secret teacher-fantasies along those lines!)

Now, I think this is a good place to mention that there are occasions when a negative teacher-student connection can result in a positive academic outcome – I would say this probably happens the most with the contrarians out there. You know the situation – where a kid dislikes a teacher so much that they set out to prove that they can do anything that's thrown at them. However, I think those cases are the exception and not the rule.

You want to connect so you don't miss out

You're going to have some amazing students – if you don't connect, you'll miss all the goodness that's there, and the opportunity to speak into their lives.

You have to earn the right to do that, and that means investing in connection. And, I have to say that when you're not intentional about connection, it can make your days in the classroom less fulfilling.

Because teaching without connection makes it a job and not a calling.

Okay, to recap, here are the reasons it's super-important for middle school teachers to connect with their students:

1. It makes it more likely that students are willing to learn from you
2. It makes classroom management easier
3. It opens the door for more interactive lessons
4. It's the only way you're going to impact them the way you want to
5. You want to connect so you don't miss out

THE HONEYMOON'S OVER

Okay, I'd love to know if – and how – you're connecting with your students! We're well into the school year now (can you even BELIEVE it's October??) and you're well past the honeymoon period of the school year – so how's it going?

Head to my show notes to find all my socials, and connect with me.

And if you are a middle school teacher, I would love for you to join my private FB group, Start Strong in the Middle, a community of teachers just like you (especially you newbies!)

Until next time, from and Ish Girl who is so thankful for all the teachers who took the time to connect with me – Mrs. Rao, Madame Gaston, Ms. Narcisse, Mrs. King, and many more, I'm glad we're all in the middle of it together.

For resources mentioned in this episode, head to theishgirl.com/ep60

TURNING THE TABLES

If you listened to the last episode of the podcast, you know that I shared some things that parents wished their kids' middle school teachers knew. And I promised that this week I'd be turning the tables – which is exactly what's happening today – I'm talking about 7 secrets middle school teachers wish parents knew.

MIDDLE SCHOOL TEACHERS BY THE NUMBERS

Once your kids are out of elementary school, Parent/Teacher relationships can often seem confrontational. But they absolutely do not have to be.

And with the statistics showing that 1 million teachers left the profession in 2018 alone - a recent Gallup poll shows that almost half of the teachers in the U.S. say they are actively looking for a different job now or watching for opportunities - I don't know about you, but I want to do everything I can to encourage the people who are invested in pouring into the lives my hormone-infused lovelies.

These two episodes are all about engaging and working to understand the person on the other side of the desk from you. Because the more aligned you are, the better it is for your child or student. So scoot a little closer and listen up. It's time to lean in.

Here we go.

MIDDLE SCHOOL TEACHERS WISH PARENTS KNEW . . .

1. They are professional jugglers.

Along with actual teaching – classroom instruction, assessment, behavior management – teachers are also responsible for

1. attending meetings [Think everything from whole staff meetings, to subject area department meetings, parent conferences, special need accommodation meetings, committee meetings for initiatives like character education, professional development meetings, and staff teambuilding meetings
2. prepping – lesson plans, materials for class
3. nurturing relationships with students – remembering/recording info, asking questions, listening
4. documenting parent, student, admin interactions
5. communicating - with other teachers about students, with parents, with administration, with counselors, with the librarian, with the tech specialist

2. They LOVE your children. No, seriously. LOVE them.

Okay, all my middle school teachers in the house – put you hands up if you've ever heard something along the lines of "OMG, bless you – I could NEVER teach that age group" or "How can you STAND it?" Sound familiar?

Middle school teachers may laugh at the "You must be crazy to teach this age group" comments that they hear as soon as they mention what they do for a living, but deep down, they're thinking, "If you only knew how great these kids are." And they mean it!

Even when they're ready to pull their hair out, most middle school teachers came into their classrooms with a passion for kids are this age, going through all the significant development that happens between 12 and 14.

3. They want to impact your child's life in significant, positive ways – both academically and developmentally.

Remember Richard Dreyfuss as Mr. Holland in Mr. Holland's Opus? Yeah, that's pretty much every teacher's dream – to create such an impact that students from decades ago remember the difference you made in their lives.

Middle school teachers know that they're seeing the beginning of the journey for these kids, and the possibilities are limitless. That they are part of building knowledge and character and life skills into these personalities at a pivotal time, when kids are starting to experiment and figure out who they are – and who they're not.

4. The messaging they get from the school district about parents is often, well, kind of disconcerting.

In many cases, the training teaches receive has a litigious flavor – and this is legitimate, because we live in a time when lawsuits are rampant, and educators are often presumed guilty until proven innocent.

For newer teachers, especially ones without kids, at best it can make parents seem scary, and to be avoided. At worst, it can cultivate an attitude of cynicism and disdain. It takes a lot of gumption, again, especially for newer teachers, to keep an open door policy and invite parents into a healthy relationship.

Plus, the thought of adding another task to their to-do list can be soooo overwhelming – because you're one of 150 sets of parents. Do the math there – communicating with that many people individually isn't feasible when you look at a teacher's list of daily responsibilities. And if it is, the ones they want to do that with are their actual students. Which leads me to the next point, which is:

5. They yearn to know all their students as individuals.

And lots of times they feel inadequate to the task. Especially when they miss something. (Share story from last week's email.) Parents, this is a hard one. 150 students is a lot. And unfortunately, we are going to miss things. Please have grace when it's you're child we've missed, and work with us to bring us up to speed.

6. They want to be a team

Teachers know that parent involvement is a key factor in student success. They know, just like you do, that there's accountability when there's good communication between school and home. Again, with the number of students they have, it's easier than we wish it was for something to fall through the cracks. Rather than assuming that your child's teachers will "figure it out" or that something isn't that important, staying in touch with teachers and counselors is the best way to assure that your child is fully supported in all their environments.

7. They appreciate being seen.

It's easy for middle school teachers to feel either invisible or attacked. Mostly, because as the saying goes, the squeaky wheel gets the grease. When all you hear is negative feedback, it's easy to get discouraged.

Now, it's been several years since I've been in the classroom, but I will share that each year, I got many thoughtful gifts – Christmas ornaments, gift cards, jewelry. You know what I go back to to this day? The notes that parents and students wrote me. Seriously. They STILL give me warm fuzzies.

SO WHAT?

As a parent of a middle schooler, you might be asking, "yeah, but what does this mean for me?"

Glad you asked!

Here are some practical ideas for how to engage with your child's teachers in a supportive way:

1. Be respectful of their time. What does this look like? Giving at least 24 hours for responses to emails; scheduling times to conference by phone or in person.
2. Listen carefully to what your kids share about their teachers – and add a dollop of grace. Because your kids also talk about you in their classrooms. And, as I used to say on Meet the Teacher nights, sometimes the best strategy is "I'll believe half of what I hear about you, if you'll believe half of what you hear about me." Of course, I say that tongue in cheek, but given that it's developmentally appropriate for middle schoolers to be a tad dramatic and self-focused, it's actually a good rule of thumb.
3. Offer to help teachers with mundane clerical tasks like making copies, decorating bulletin boards, or organizing classroom supplies. Figure out the best way to do this, whether it's volunteering through the PTA or communicating directly with individual teachers.
4. Attend meet the teacher/curriculum night and introduce yourself to your child's teachers. If teachers ask you to fill out any "tell me about your child" forms, be sure to fill them out, and thank them for trying to get to know their students more personally. Let teachers know when there's been a significant life change or issue that might affect your child in the classroom.
5. Assume the best about the teacher you kid complains about. Ask good questions like, "Help me understand what led up to that incident," or "How much time did you have for that assignment?" or "What kind of resources did the teacher provide for this?" Affirm your child's feelings, and go deeper to figure out the facts.
6. Support your child's middle school teachers with encouraging notes and emails. Often, it can feel like the only messages middle school teachers get from parents are ones of concern, complaint, or criticism. [Story about Jessica Hainey's mom in team meeting] Take an extra minute to send your child's middle school teacher a note that expresses appreciation or shares how much your child is learning or what they're enjoying in the class. I've included a Swipe File of notes to teachers in my show notes, templates that you can personalize and use to send to your kids' teachers.

Parents. Middle school teachers are often just as wary of you as you are of them – and often, hearing from a parent signals confrontation. By supporting your children's middle school teachers, you'll go a long way in creating the best learning environment for your students. Because I guarantee you, when a parent gets involved, students are place right in the middle of a teachers' radar, which is a good thing.

Working with teachers to support them, keeping an open line of communication between school and home, and assuming the best about teachers, first, all go a long way in cultivating a positive teacher-parent relationship and a supportive learning environment for your child.

THE MIDDLE SCHOOL SHIFT

Whether they're long past it or deep in the middle of it (hah – no pun intended,) you've probably experienced the dramatic shift that happens when kids go from elementary to middle school. More independence and responsibility for students, less involvement for parents.

The shift is a good thing – it is absolutely the right time for kids to start taking personal ownership in their learning, and figuring out how to become self-advocates.

But as a parent, it can be a pretty scary transition. And even the best-intentioned of us can have missteps along the way.

I know for me, I wanted to respect my kids' autonomy at school, while still letting them know I was a resource who supported them 100%. But there were also times when I wished I could sit down with their teachers and explain what was happening behind the scenes. When I hoped and prayed that they really knew my kids and understood where they were coming from.

Now that I've been on both sides of the desk as a teacher and a parent of middle schoolers, I have a good grasp on the mindsets of each. This week, I'm talking about what parents wish their teen's middle school teachers knew – next week, I'm flipping it, and talking about what ms teacher wished parents knew.

PARENTS WISH TEACHERS KNEW . . .

1. They're navigating all the changes they're seeing in their kid

From hormones and puberty to attitudes and tastes, everything feels like it's topsy-turvy

The things their child once loved, they now scorn and hate, and that includes mom and dad.

1. They're navigating all the changes in how the school interacts with them.

They're going from hands-on, touchy-feely, volunteer-begging elementary teachers to an environment that often seems to communicate: "don't let the door hit you on the way out" – or even, "don't cross the threshold, we got this."

I get it – middle school is definitely the time for parents to let go, and no one wants to be the one who has to have their fingers pried off their kid's shoulders one by one, but the transition can feel abrupt and sometimes even (in the worst case) condescending.

1. They're striving to see where they fit into the bigger picture

Even if they're 100% on board with the drop 'em off and pick 'em up mentality, it's hard to know when it is appropriate to step in and communicate with teachers. What they're hearing from their kids might be "stay away, the teachers want us to take care of things on our own" . . . which might be true for things like the curriculum and grades (homework, class work, quizzes, and tests,) but it definitely isn't the case when it comes to huge changes in your child's day-to-day life (like a divorce, a grandparent coming to live with you, a death in the family, etc.)

1. They want you to get to know their kid

The sentiment I've often heard is "if they just knew my son they'd understand why he . . . " Most parents understand that middle school teachers can have upwards of 150 students – but they still have hopes that you will attempt to figure out what makes their kid tick. Especially when there's a drastic change in behavior or academic performance.

1. They want to be a team

Parents want to know practical ways to support teachers so that their child is in the best position to learn and excel academically. They know that there's accountability when there's good communication between school and home. There's a much lower chance that kids will fall through the cracks, or, let's be candid, that a kid will play the two ends against each other and "work the system".

So what can middle school teachers do?

If you're a middle school teacher, might be asking, "yeah, but what can I do about it?"

Glad you asked!

Here are some ideas for how teachers can support parents:

1. Write a GREAT introduction letter or email and send it home within the first 2 weeks of school. Include appropriate personal details – parents want to know who their kids are spending the day with.
2. Communicate something positive about each student at least once during the school year (this can be spread out over the entire year – it helps to do the math and come up with a schedule.)
3. Ask trusted parents to volunteer for mundane clerical tasks like making copies, decorating bulletin boards, or organizing classroom supplies. This might be especially helpful to newer teachers who are figuring out what to delegate.
4. Use meet the teacher/curriculum night to share a little of your own story about why you love teaching and how important their children are to you.
5. Use social media to share classroom activities and events (Warning: make sure you know your district's policies on this and keep everything private!) You might also consider inviting parents into your Remind groups if that's not something the school district already does.
6. Spell out exactly how parents can best support you and your classroom. This is great information to share in your intro letter and at meet the teacher or curriculum night.

THE TEACHER-PARENT CONNECTION

Parents are just as uncertain about you as you are of them – and often, hearing from a middle school teacher signals bad news. By cultivating positive interactions, you'll go a long way in creating the best learning environment for your students. Plus, when you DO have to communicate something difficult, like poor behavior or an academic concern, you've already established a rapport.

Working with parents to teach them the best ways to support you, overcommunicating to make sure everyone is on the same page and doing your best to know your students individually all go a long way in keeping teacher-parent relationships positive.

The Thought Model

It takes practice to use the thought model – a self-coaching concept that is helpful in creating lasting life changes. The thought model uses circumstances, thoughts, feelings, and actions to categorize every aspect of life, in order to identify and change unintentional patterns. It's a simple process, but not always easy. There are a few common pitfalls that may pop up, but once you know what to avoid, you can navigate them like a champ.

Thought Model Pitfalls

1. There's no evidence of your original Thought in your Result.

If you can't see the correlation between the Result you have and your original Thought, you need to go back to the model and check each line. Keep asking "why?" until you come to an epiphany – when you get there, you'll know.

2. Your Feeling doesn't match up with your Thought.

Sit with the Thought for a while. Pay attention and feel what kind of emotion comes up for you in your body. It can also help to say it to someone else – someone who can be a sounding board for you.

3. There is someone other than your self in the Action or Results line.

This model is only about you. You can't control or change anyone else's thoughts, feelings, actions, or results – you can only change your own.

4. You are not practicing your Intentional Thoughts.

Put your Intentional Thought on your phone or your computer or on a post-it stuck to your mirror. Say it to yourself throughout the day. Remember that you're working to deconstruct a strong neural pathway and build a new one – it's going to take work and repetition.

5. You've rushed too quickly from your Unintentional Thought Model to your Intentional Thought Model.

This isn't a magical tool that you can plug in to create insta-change. It's important to spend a lot of time in the process so you can clearly identify how that Thought got you to that Result. Really take time to reflect on how your Thought created your Result. Sometimes this can be such a revelation that an Intentional Thought model isn't even necessary.

6. You're using an Intentional Thought that you don't really believe.

You can't just plug in a "magical" thought - this won't create change in you because your brain has to feel that your Intentional Thought is true. You have to be really honest with yourself and come up with something that really resonates with you. It is helpful to create Bridge Thoughts – incremental Intentional Thoughts that move you from where you are to where you want to be. It can take multiple Bridge Thoughts to get you to your desired Result.

The Self-Coaching Model

This self-coaching model was developed by Brooke Castillo, who describes it as a "law of nature. It's a way of categorizing everything that happens to you in the world. It's an intentional slowing down of your thought process to understand what's driving the results we get in our lives in order to be more intentional.

It's made up of 5 interrelated "buckets" or "categories"

1. Circumstances – a completely neutral fact; can be proven in a court of law
2. Thoughts – a sentence that happens in your mind; always comes from a circumstance; interpretations of facts; can vary greatly from person to person
3. Feelings – always caused by thoughts; emotions; cause physical vibrations in the body
4. Actions – always prompted by feelings; an act that one consciously wills – may be characterized by physical or mental activity; can be inaction too
5. Results – always caused by actions; always tied directly to original thought; a consequence, outcome, or effect

It is a mathematical equation.

The Self-Coaching Model Process

The Unintentional Model:

Step 1 – Do a thought download on whatever issue/problem/worry you're dealing with. Use a computer or traditional pen and paper for your brain dump.

Step 2 – Evaluate your notes, determining which are neutral facts and which are your thoughts

Step 3 – Choose one of the thoughts to run through the model, and put it in the Thought line of a blank, unintentional model.

Step 4 – Write down the neutral fact you're having that thought about in the Circumstance line of the model.

Step 5 - Identify the strongest emotion you are feeling – the one that you feel in your body. Write it in the Feelings line. (If there's more than one, do separate models for each.)

Step 5 – Write the actions you take (or don't take) when you feel that emotion in the Action line.

Step 6 – Now fill in the Result you get when you take that action

Step 7 – Identify the connection between the Result and your original Thought.

The Intentional Self-Coaching Model:

The brain has a desire to prove your thoughts and beliefs "right." Whatever you are focused on, your brain is activated to look for "evidence." It's a subconscious level of awareness that you turn on with your thoughts.

It's important to work through unintentional models and understand the role you play in your results. Then, you can create an intentional model to affect change. Here's what that looks like.

Step 1 – Start with the same circumstance as in your Unintentional Model

Step 2 – Plug in any of the other 4 (Thought, Feeling, Action, Result) that you'd RATHER have.

Step 3 – Build out the model from there, filling in the rest of the categories (Thought, Feeling, Action, Result).

It's all about a mindset shift – changing your thinking to change your life.

The Coach

Diane Lynn is a certified Positive Psychology Coach and soon to be certified Life and Weight Loss Coach from The Life Coach School founded by Brooke Castillo. Diane climbed the corporate ladder for 30+ years in Marketing and Analytics but found what made her happiest was managing and mentoring people. Now launching her own business, Diane Lynn Coaching, she's excited to use her experience and training to help others solve problems, get unstuck and achieve their dreams.

For links to the resources mentioned in this episode, head to theishgirl.com/ep56

Welcome to the second half of the conversation I started last week! The spotlight is on first-year middle school teachers and tips and strategies they can use as they launch their careers in the classroom. And in case you didn't catch the first half of our discussion, here's the expert I'm talking to.

Melissa Castillo is a National Board Certified Professional Teacher, blogger, academic coach, curriculum designer, and technology integrator with 30 years of experience. During her years in the classroom, she served as a teacher mentor for colleagues and student teachers. She is the owner of Straight Outta Class and facilitates the FaceBook group, Prepping for Success for Beginning Teachers. She also works as a freelance writer and photographer.

One of her passion projects right now is supporting new middle school educators.

Today's episode is full of more of our best advice for new teachers as they step into their first classrooms. We dive deep into what it looks like to establish trust with your students and the things parents wish middle school teachers knew.

In our discussion, we touch on:

• How organization helps you stay connected to students
• Why you need to be prepared for anything
• The importance of establishing trust with students
• Why you need a growth mindset
• Being transparent in order to benefit your students
• How teachers touch the world

As we wrap up, we focus on why it's crucial to keep in mind that students always remember how you treated them. Melissa shares what it's like to run into former students who are now adults, and how she reaches out to tap into their expertise.

For links to the resources mentioned in this episode, head to theishgirl.com/ep55

Not too long ago, I decided to make a small pivot with the podcast, to fold teachers into the mix. As a former middle school teacher, I know how important it is to connect with your students. It's my passion to support beginning middle school teachers as they launch their careers in the classroom. This episode is the kick-off for that pivot, and I found the perfect person to talk to about it!

Melissa Castillo is a National Board Certified Professional Teacher, blogger, academic coach, curriculum designer, and technology integrator with 30 years of experience. During her years in the classroom, she served as a teacher mentor for colleagues and student teachers. She is the owner of MBC Academic Coaching and also works as a freelance writer and photographer.

One of her passion projects right now is supporting new middle school educators.

Today's episode is full of our best advice for new teachers as they step into their first classrooms. From the importance of good classroom management and good self-care to reflecting daily on your teaching and receiving critiques graciously, we cover a lot of ground.

In our discussion, we touch on first-year teacher concerns, like:

• Classroom management
• Classroom Procedures
• Classroom transitions
• Good self-care
• Accepting critiques
• Reaching out for help
• Finding resources that help with "all the little details"
• Prepping for that first week of school

This is the first half of my conversation with Melissa, and next week I'll share the second half - you definitely don't want to miss the finale, when we tackle getting to know the kids personally, modeling grit after failure, and what it's like to have former students who are now adults.

For links to the resources mentioned in this episode, head to theishgirl.com/ep54

There's Something About Sweetie

I am so excited to welcome you to The Ish Girl Summer Book Club 2019 Discussion! We're talking all about There's Something About Sweetie by Sandhya Menon.

What I have for you is pretty special – my daughter and one of her best friends are joining me to talk about the book. First, I want to give the girls a brief introduction.

My Special Guests

Nila and Phoebe will both be sophomores, and they are both in the amazing band program at their high school.

The girls have known each other since kindergarten – in fact, I can remember substituting for Nila's kinder teacher several times. It's been so fun to watch them grow into the beautiful young ladies they are right now.

I invited Nila onto the podcast for a couple of very specific reasons

1. I know that she is an avid reader, and we share a love of ya fantasy books – especially Cassandra Clare's
2. Both of Nila's parents are from India – just like both main characters in the book, Ashish and Sweetie.

I knew she'd be able to give us a unique perspective, and quite honestly, I thought she might have insight into some of the questions the book brought up for me. Which she did.

The Convo

Phoebe had not read There's Something About Sweetie on the day we recorded, but that's okay – Nila and I convinced her to join our conversation. We had a great time talking about:

• positive body image
• being yourself with your friends
• trying to fit in during middle school and
• why it's so important for parents and teachers to be real and respectful with teens

And you don't want to miss how Phoebe and I tap dance around overprotectiveness and being set up on dates by your parents.

I can't thank Nila and Phoebe enough for sharing their thoughts, opinions, and ideas. As I said before, I SO enjoy seeing them grow into themselves.

Your Turn

I hope our conversation inspires you to have conversations with your teens about the books you're reading! It really can open doors to connect in ways you might not otherwise.

If you want to read and discuss There's Something About Sweetie, here are some of the issues it covers:

• Athletic achievement
• body choice
• body image
• body shaming
• friendship
• self-confidence
• stereotyping
• dating relationships
• parent/teen relationships.

You can find a link to download the discussion questions below.

Referenced in this Episode:

FREEBIE: Discussion Questions for There's Something About Sweetie

There's Something About Sweetie

When Dimple Met Rishi

If you're like me, you're hitting the dog days of summer, when the thrill of being out of school has diminished a bit, siblings are starting to get on each other's nerves, and you're wondering if your house will ever be clean again. You might be thinking, "When's the first day of school again?"

Believe me, I'm with you!

This midpoint of summer is when I take a deep breath, remind myself that someday in the future I'm going to miss the chaos and dive in to reconnect with my teens.

That's what this is all about! Connecting with your teens during the home stretch of summer. So, read through to the end, then take action!

Here's the scoop on beating the mid-summer slump: I'm inviting you – and your teens – to join me for the 2nd annual Summer Book Club 2019.

We're reading There's Something About Sweetie, by Sandhya Menon, who is one of my favorites! It's a companion to a book of hers I read last year, When Dimple Met Rishi.

I was SO excited to find out about There's Something About Sweetie, and I knew I wanted to share it with you guys before I even read it.

There is so much I love about both these books, but this second one really resonated with me – I know it will for you too. Not only does it offer insight into Indian culture, it also portrays a highly conflicted mother-daughter relationship. Even more, it frankly and honestly digs into body image issues. It is told from 2 points of view, both a boy's and a girl's (which might be helpful in persuading your teen to read with you.)

It is STELLAR, and I can't wait to talk with you about it.

Here's how the Book Club works. You guys have a couple of weeks to read the book. Ideally, you'll convince your teen to read it with you, but if they don't want to, read it anyway!

On July 29, I'll release discussion questions for the book.

That same week, on Friday, August 2, the podcast episode will feature a discussion of There's Something About Sweetie. I have guests that I'm super excited about, but I'm keeping that under wraps for now – I know, I know – I'm such a tease.

Okay, this Ish girl can't wait for you and your teen to read There's Something About Sweetie!

Strategies to connect with a difficult teen who is shutting you out

1. Know your kid better than anyone else – and how they've changed
2. Know their "tells" – and respond accordingly
3. Be willing to wait
4. Try to create opportunities later
5. DON'T pepper them with questions – it might shut them down
6. If you don't remember to go back to it – have grace with yourself!

Transitioning from a kid who told you everything to a closed off private kid is hard – sometimes you have to be okay with not knowing. Figuring out when it's okay to not know is a tricky tightrope.

It's okay to set boundaries about what it looks like to communicate what it looks like to not want to talk.

Strategies to connect with a difficult teen who is rebellious:

1. Let yourself off the hook
2. Take a step back and look at the bigger picture
3. Ask yourself if you're creating a "push back" place
   1. Sometimes it's "yes" – you must hold your boundary
   2. Sometimes it's "no" – it's not a hill your willing to die on
4. It depends on the kid – figure out their "currency" – what's going to best help them understand the impact of their actions.

One "rule" for everyone (one size fits all) doesn't really work – it's a shift from having "rules" to having intentional "values" – it's not so much about following rules as it is being a type of person.

It's Smart to Co-Parent with Intention

It's a great idea to sit down and define what your family's values are – especially if you're co-parenting.

When your kids reach their teens, your co-parenting relationships can shift, especially as things are stirred up in yourself (triggers, etc.) It's healthy to figure out what you want your family to look like. Even in families where parenting was smooth and cohesive when the kids were young, there might need to be adjustments and intentional communications.

Talking with your co-parent before talking to your teens is helpful. When you're not on the same page, teens can leverage that for their own benefit.

Teens are a much bigger part of the parenting process than younger kids because they have opinions and ideas about how things should play out.

Communicating beforehand sets you up to be the best adult you can be for your teen.

Cultivate Your Village

It's important to have your 'person' – someone you trust, who you can be vulnerable with, who loves your kids no matter what. It's also important to make time to spend with that person, as part of good self-care.

Share the podcast with three friends this week - especially ones who might be dealing with difficult teens too!