In the Middle of It with Amy Kelly, The Ish Girl

Coronavirus Concerns

Today is the last day of scheduled spring break for my own teens, a senior and a sophomore. But our school district has canceled classes next week, and plan to reevaluate the situation before bringing kids back into school.

From watching the news and talking to friends around the country, it sounds like that's pretty standard, no matter where you are.

So for this week's episode, I thought I'd talk about what that means for you if you're a parent of teens.

Whether you're on the end of the spectrum that thinks this is going to blow over soon, or at the opposite end who fully expects a close-to-Apocalyptic scenario, the fact remains the same: we're all home for the duration.

If your teens are like mine, they're still on a "they canceled school!" snow day-type of high. But I can read the writing on the wall – and if you're like me, there are big, bold letters spelling out "I'm bored!"

Which isn't a horrible problem to have – I know we all prefer "I'm bored" to "I feel sick."

Because this isn't a snow day, and it's a little bit scary. It only takes a Target run to see what I mean - the starkly empty toilet paper and cleaning aisles and the checkout lines snaking through the store.

And if we're feeling a little scared, I know our teens are picking up on that energy and experiencing stress about things too.

Coronavirus and Your Teens

So here are some tips on how to handle corona-geddon with your teens.

Talk About It Frankly

Knowledge is power. Find reliable resources of information about the virus and share them with your teens. This is a great time to show the difference between factual information and sensationalized information.

Talk about being cautious, not fearful or cavalier. Neither extreme is helpful in this situation. Being cautious means staying informed about any local restrictions, and knowing how to practice good hygiene (something I know schools have indoctrinated in our kids since kindergarten, but they still might need some reminders.)

Equip Them to Be Caretakers

Thankfully, young people seem to be less affected than the middle-aged and older population. Which is where my husband and I squarely land. There is a definite possibility that we might both be ill at the same time, while our kids are not.

Now is a great time to refresh some life skills and talk about what to do in that scenario. Things like: making meals, disinfecting surfaces, quickly washing contaminated towels and other cleaning materials.

Walking through what to do in an emergency might be helpful, as well as what to do if your illness takes a turn for the worse. Sharing information about what symptoms to look for, who to call if they have any questions, or how to contact your doctor's office is useful.

Combatting Cabin Fever and Boredom

I fervently hope that the annoyance of being stuck at home together for a long period of time is the worst suffering you and your family go through. To that end, here are some things you can do (and have your teen do) to stay occupied.

Maintain a routine and schedule. (This is especially important if your teens are doing school online.)

Keep up with everyday chores like dishes, sweeping the kitchen, feeding dogs, taking out the trash, etc.

Have your teens help with responsibilities like planning and cooking meals and doing laundry.

Make a list of all those little projects around the house you keep meaning to get to – and have your teen choose some to do. For me, that list looks like cleaning out the media room, organizing in the garage, sorting through some paperwork to file, and cleaning out the junk drawers in the kitchen.

Limit personal screen time and plan activities to do together instead. Playing a board game, listening to an audiobook, watching a movie, going through old photo albums, etc.

And of course, my very favorite, READ! If you're looking for some great recommendations, you can head to Episode 65 to get more than 25 Young Adult book suggestions.

You're Bored? Awesome

One last tip. This is something I did during the summers when my teens were younger, and it was VERY effective at motivating them to entertain themselves.

I made an "I'm Bored" jar, and any time they complained about having nothing to do, they had to draw a slip of paper from it. What was on the paper?

I came up with a list of 25-30 activities, equal parts fun and . . . not so fun. They had a 50/50 chance of pulling "Clean all the toilets" and "Get an extra half hour of screen time." Some other examples of things they could draw were:

• Clean all the dog poop in the back yard.
• Watch one episode of your favorite TV show.
• Clean all the baseboards in the house.
• Invite a friend over to hang out.
• Etc.

Now my teens know that if they tell me they're bored, I get SUPER excited and give them something to do.

Waiting It Out

I'm praying that this blows over soon and that we can look back and feel glad that we hoped for the best and prepared for a worst that never happened. I hope that you and your family stay well and that the mandated time at home together is connecting!

For more resources, head to the show notes for this episode.

LIFESTYLES OF GODS AND MONSTERS

Emily Roberson's Lifestyles of Gods and Monsters is a Kardashian-inspired retelling of the Minotaur and the Labyrinth. Set in a modern-day version of Crete, this story follows Ariadne, a reluctant royal with a life-or-death role in her family. When a foreign prince arrives to compete in the yearly Labyrinth Competition, her world is turned upside down. He challenges everything she's held to be true and forces her to choose between the fate she thought was sealed and a freedom that will only come with a heartbreaking sacrifice.

TALKING WITH EMILY ROBERSON

During this episode, Emily joins me to share the genesis of her story, as well as the intricacies of fleshing out a character who has been around for thousands of years. From her fascination with those celebrities who are "famous for being famous" and her love of pop culture to her process of choosing what to include from the original myth, our conversation covers it all.

For more on Lifestyles of Gods and Monsters and links to the resources mentioned in this episode, visit the show notes.

What to Read Next in Your Middle School Classroom – and Why It's So Important

How do you create connection with your students? What strategies do you use to get to know them as individuals, figure out who they are, see where they are struggling or shining – not just with your curriculum, but in life.

Kids need to know you're invested in them.

I've found, books are the best way to connect with your students. Not just for humanities classes, like English and social studies – it works across the curriculum.

I'm not talking about the same tired list of classroom novels – I'm talking about the new, cutting edge YA fiction that's out there right now.

Here's what reading current YA tells your students:

• I'm paying attention to who you are
• I find value in the things you like
• I'm interested in knowing more about you
• I can relate to what's going on in this book, therefore I can relate to you
• I respect your opinion
• I'm willing to spend time on the things you like

Ways to incorporate books into your classroom:

• Have students choose what to read individually and tie it to a classroom project
• Use it as the carrot in your classroom management system – they can "earn" reading time for Fridays or end of class, and you read aloud from a book you've chosen together (you can have them make suggestions, then vote, or YOU give the suggestion)
• Invite your school librarian what to read. Then, invite her into your class to do a book talk – sharing about the 5-10 newest/best YA books out there
• Have students recommend a book for YOU to read, then read it, and talk to them about it between classes, during tutorial time, during lunch, advisory/homeroom period etc.
• If you're on a team, can use one book across the curriculum and do interdisciplinary projects (even pairing with one other teacher is powerful)

Why Read in Your Classroom?

Books are also a great way to discuss sticky topics in a neutral way. You can tackle subjects like:

• Social Media
• Family Relationships
• Friendships
• Addiction
• Eating Disorders

What to Read – or Not

If you're not up for reading the YA greats, you can catch some of them as movies:

• To All the Boys I've Loved Before
• All the Bright Places
• Locke & Key
• The Umbrella Academy
• The Shadowhunters

How Do You Find Books to Read?

Current YA fiction books are also a great way to connect the world to your own curriculum. You might be thinking, how could I possibly find current YA novels that fit my subject area? What to read? Well, I'm a step ahead, because truthfully, I worried about that too.

So, here's what I did. I scanned some of my favorite lists to see what I could find. Here's what I came up with. (And don't worry, I'm sharing links to those lists in my show notes.)

SCIENCE

Stronger, Faster, and More Beautiful. By Arwen Elys Dayton.

Six short stories are connected by a world where the possibilities of body and genetic modification become darker and more advanced with each tale.

A Conspiracy of Stars. By Olivia A. Cole

Octavia dreams of the day she joins her parents as a whitecoat, an elite N'Terra scientist who studies the wondrous natural world of their adopted planet, Faloiv. However, her surprising early internship in the secret labs reveals some scientists' experiments have sinister motives threatening their tenuous peace with the Faloii.

MATH

Scythe by Neal Shusterman

In a perfect world with no hunger, no disease, no war, and no death, scythes are the only ones who can end life—and they are commanded to do so, in order to keep the size of the population under control. Cita and Rowan are chosen to apprentice to a scythe—a role that neither wants. These teens must master the "art" of taking life, knowing that the consequence of failure could mean losing their own.

Call It What You Want by Brigid Kemmerer. Rob and Maegan connect romantically after peeling back the layers of hurt they and their families have experienced. Rob's dad embezzled money and is now incapacitated after a failed suicide attempt, while Maegan's label as a cheater leaves her ostracized. Paired on a calculus project, they bond through shared struggles.

SOCIAL STUDIES

Internment by Samira Ahmed.

In America's not-so-distant future, Muslim citizens are forced into internment camps, including 17-year-old Layla and her parents. Once there, Layla, with the help of fellow internees and an unlikely alliance with a guard, leads a resistance movement inside the camp.

The House of One Thousand Eyes by Michelle Barker

When Lena's subversive uncle disappears without a trace in Communist East Berlin, she risks everything to find out what happened to him in this immersive historical mystery. Rife with well-crafted suspense and chilling period detail, this thrilling story will appeal to fans of dystopias and historical fiction alike.

ELA

We Set the Dark on Fire by Tehlor Kay Mejia.

After Dani's graduation from the Medio School for Girls, where she trained to become a politician's wife, a stranger opens her eyes to the privilege, oppressiveness, and excess of the ruling class, and she must decide whether to live forever in a gilded cage or take a stand.

FOREIGN LANGUAGES

Almost American Girl by Robin Ha

Born in Korea to a single mother, Chuna Ha aged fourteen is suddenly wrenched from her happy existence in Seoul. Her mother has decided without any warning to uproot both their lives and start over in America. They land in Huntsville, Alabama where Chuna finds she has a new step family, a new school, and absolutely no friends. She picks a new name for herself, Robin, and struggles to fit in. Her command of the English language is poor, she's bullied at school, and her step family is not too happy to have her. Then one day Robin's mother enrolls her in a local comic drawing class, which opens the window to a future Robin could never have imagined.

MUSIC

Spin by Lamar Giles.

After aspiring DJ Paris Secord is found murdered, two of her estranged friends, Fuse and Kya, must work together to figure out who killed Paris before her underground fandom, Dark Nation, ends them.

THEATER

Dramarama by E. Lockhart

Sarah, a.k.a. Sadye, and Demi know they are meant for lights brighter than their tiny Ohio town. When they make it to a musical theater and performing camp called Wildewood, Sadye has a rude awakening about where her talents lie. Although Sadye is obviously talented and hardworking, the camp is full of talented, hardworking, hungry young actors. Even with all of the jealousy and bad feelings, Sadye and her friends still find the time for joy. With Demi flying high, Sadye has to recognize her own shortcomings and understand what it means to work in an ensemble.

ART

What I Want You to See by Catherine Linka

Winning a scholarship to California's most prestigious art school seems like a fairy tale to Sabine Reye's, but the cutthroat world of visual arts is nothing like what she'd imagined. The teacher she hoped would be her mentor seems to take merciless delight in tearing down her best work-and warns her that she'll lose the merit-based award if she doesn't improve. Desperate, Sabine must decide how – and if – she can win her teacher's approval. But what should she do when she accidentally becomes party to a crime so well-plotted that no one knows about it but her?

Building a Unique Connection

Engaging in conversations about the books your students are already reading brings a fresh dynamic to your classroom and builds connection in a unique way.

If you're a beginning middle school teacher who is looking for strategies to help you streamline your classroom and have a deeper impact on your students, and you'd like support of a community who has those same goals and values, make sure you tune in over the next couple of weeks – I'm about to roll out an amazing opportunity. So, stay tuned, and make sure you're keeping up with me on FaceBook and Instagram!

For links to the resources mentioned in this episode, check out the show notes.

HOW MY TEENS SHOW UP

One of the hardest thing about teaching and parenting teens is the fact that you never know which kid is going to show up on any given day. You know what I'm talking about. The personality and mood swings can give you whiplash. If you're like me, you know that your teen can be 5 different people in the space of an hour. Take getting ready for school in the morning. You might encounter grumpy teen, excited teen, know-it-all teen, stressed teen, and needy teen all before you get in the car.

And for you teachers – wow. When you multiply the number of students you have and then think about all the different ways they show up in your class – we're talking thousands of personalities that that you have to navigate. Including figuring out which one each student is experiencing at the particular moment in time they're in your class.

If you try to drill down into it, it can be exhausting and overwhelming.

But here's the thing.

You don't have to drill down into it.

Here's why.

HOW I SHOW UP FOR MY TEENS

Because if YOU show up consistently, standing in your values and rocking the whole being a grown up thing?

It doesn't matter how your teens show up – because you've got their backs.

How do you know if this is something you're doing?

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF

Have you chosen HOW you want to show up? Because you get to!

Do you know what you believe and stand for?

Have you clearly communicated your values and expectations to your teens?

Do you take responsibility for your own emotions, words, reactions, etc.? Or do you ever blame your students or children for how you're feeling? (Not sure? Check out Episode 16.)

Do your boundaries and responses fluctuate based on your mood? Or maybe depending on which teen you're dealing with? Or your physical state, like your hunger or exhaustion levels?

Do you have reactive energy or consistent energy?

Are you an emotional regulator for your teens?

Are you immovable when it comes to the way you communicate how your value your teens?

Nothing you do or don't do, say or don't say, can make me love you any more OR any less.

These things make a difference.

MY TEENS CAN READ THE ROOM – YOURS CAN TOO

Teens are REALLY good at telling what kind of energy you're bringing to the table. They can read your emotions, and they draw pretty accurate conclusions. Recently, I was talking to one of my teens, who shared this about a teacher:

"She REALLY loves our class."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

She shrugged and said, "You can tell that she enjoys being around us and she doesn't talk to us like we're little kids. She really listens to us."

I chewed over that for a while, because when I think about the teachers who positively impacted me, that's EXACTLY how I would describe them – they really liked us (my fellow students and me) and they treated us with dignity and respect.

Something that's so simple, but not easy at all.

SHOWING UP AS THE GROWN UP FOR MY TEENS

When we can show up as consistent, mature, steady people in the lives of our teens, it doesn't matter how they show up – because it's not about how they're acting or what kind of energy they have. They can't throw anything at us that will change who we are or how we stand in our values.

Now, I realize that is a bold, idealistic statement. And I know that it's, literally, impossible to show up that way 100% of the time. But it can characterize you.

So, where are you with your teens? Do you struggle to be someone who is characterized as "consistent" or "steady". "Rock solid?" Are you characterized by showing up based on your mood or circumstances?

Because that reactive way of showing up? It's developmentally appropriate for our teens. But not for us. And our goal is to lead the way for them, and model how to show up as adults.

REALITY CHECKS

I was in a FB group I belong to recently, and someone was talking about the hard day they had with their 6th grade class. She described how she had HAD it with one kid in particular. He was being silly, making awful choices, disrupting the class in ways that were beyond frustrating. She shared that she finally burst out at him, "Why are you being so childish?!?" Apparently, he stopped, eyebrows creased in confusion, and said, "Ms. So and So, I am literally a child."

She had the grace to laugh about it, and to let it be a reminder that as grown up as they look and sound when they have their well-behaved personalities on, they are not adults. But we are.

So let's show up as the grown ups.

HOW CAN I SHOW UP FOR MY TEENS?

One way to do that is to dig deep into what it means for your students and kids to be developmentally appropriate. That's what I'm doing with you guys in my 5 part FB Live series.

We're two weeks in to the 5 secrets to understanding your teens and how to respond to them. This training will TOTALLY help you show up as a grown up, because I'm spelling out all the things that are developmentally appropriate in teens – especially in the classroom. Hope you catch the replay of those on my FB page, facebook.com/theishgirl

And be sure to sign up for the workbook so you can follow along. You can get that at theishgirl.com/freetraining. Don't forget to join me next Tuesday, Feb 25, at 6 CST for session 3.

See you there!

SOLVING PROBLEMS

One of the greatest things about teens? Things change faster than a revolving door most of the time. So whether you're in a season of solving problems with your teen or everything is peachy, know that you are right where you are supposed to be. Truly.

Some of you might be in a challenging season right now. If that's you, raise your hand if you're thinking, "HERE? I'm supposed to be here, in this place where I'm miserable and my teen is too, and one of us is going out the window soon, and it might be ME?"

YES. Here's why.

LIFE HAPPENS FOR YOU, NOT TO YOU

I believe that there is a rhyme and a reason for everything we experience. Whether it's the rough waves of a challenging circumstance or a smooth stretch where everything is sailing along, or something in between, I believe that life happens FOR you, not TO you.

In this podcast episode, I share about a very difficult situation I experienced recently. It was an event that upended me and brought all my work to a halt.

While working through this tough situation, I had a lot of opportunities to walk in that value I mentioned – the "life happens FOR, not TO, me" one. Time and again, I had to intentionally CHOOSE to view my circumstances as an opportunity rather than a catastrophe.

YOU HAVE THE POWER TO CHOOSE

So, why am I sharing all this with you? I want you to know that you have the power to choose how to face any problem, challenge, or difficulty, too.

Just like I did, you can look at your circumstances and choose to act as a victim (Let me be clear. I DO understand that there are those who absolutely ARE victims. But if you have a CHOICE – ANY choice, even if it's not a great one – then YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM.) So, you can choose to see yourself as a victim, or, you can look at those same circumstances and reframe them as an opportunity.

IT'S SOLVING PROBLEMS, NOT POLLYANNA-ING

I'm not talking about being a Pollyanna. It's not about candy-coating what you're experiencing or looking at things through rose-colored glasses. I'm talking about digging into the thing, wrestling with it, and benefiting from what you learn and how you grow. Embracing the discomfort and using it to propel you instead of resisting it and fighting against the pain of it. Using all of your determination, grit, and resources to keep going until you're through the thing.

HARD ISN'T THE SAME THING AS BAD

I'm not promising it won't be hard. In fact, I can pretty much guarantee that it will be very hard.

But HARD isn't the same thing as BAD.

In fact, discomfort is the currency of change – especially good, healthy change.

Having said all that, it can be super-hard to not react when faced with hard circumstances. To stay in your "thinking" brain instead of reacting in flight, fight or freeze mode.

Believe me – my knee-jerk reaction to that email I got in November wasn't pretty. But I was able to respond intentionally and reframe it into an opportunity. Eventually.

If I can do that, you can too.

SHIFT FROM SOLVING PROBLEMS TO CREATING OPPORTUNITIES

Here are the 5 steps you can use to flip those problems, challenges, or difficulties into opportunities.

1. Give yourself time to process. Don't decide or do anything in the moment. As long as no one is in imminent danger, it's going to be more beneficial to give yourself time to let yourself feel all the feels and then reign it in and decide how to move forward with your thinking brain.
2. As you move forward, lead with "this is happening FOR me, not TO me." It takes some practice but reminding yourself that you're not a victim, you are a responsible, capable grownup with choices, will get easier
3. Call in the cavalry. I've found that it's super-rare for me to be able to handle problems, challenges, and difficulties on my own. Lean on your people for advice, help, or just a safe space to blow off steam when you need to vent. And get their take on things – the people who love us most often see our shortcomings with waaay more clarity than we do. Be willing to listen to their constructive critique.
4. Reflect. Seriously, journaling is what has kept me in forward momentum. There's something about brain-dumping on a piece of paper – maybe the physicality of literally moving it from your brain, through your hand, to the paper? – that brings a peace and a clarity.
5. Carry on. You may need to rinse and repeat many, many times, depending on the struggle – um, I mean opportunity – in front of you. The best thing you can do is keep showing up. And remember, things change pretty quickly in the kingdom of teens. This won't last forever.

Okay, friends, that's my secret sauce for solving problems – any you might have.

Just remember: it's happening FOR you, you can reframe it as an opportunity, and just keep swimming.

Until next time, remember, we're all in the middle of it together!

What to read next?

Life has been incredibly busy over the past couple of months, and I can't wait for the holidays to arrive – so I can tackle my "What to Read Next" list – aka my TBR stack (To-Be-Read, in case you're not up on reading lingo. 😉)

In the Show Notes for this episode, you'll find all the books I talk about, in alphabetical order, organized by author. To get the most out of these, be sure to listen to the podcast to hear why I added them to my What to Read Next list (or why I've already enjoyed them!)

Who wants to know (what to read next)?

Whether you're looking for what to read next, or you're trying to find something for your teens to read next – or to gift them for the holidays! – there is probably something here just for you.

And if not, reach out! I'd be happy to make more recommendations. 😊

Fair warning!

Some of the books have already been published, others are coming out within the next 6-9 months. Aaaaand, you're welcome – now you can join me in waiting on pins and needles for them to hit bookshelves everywhere!

To view all the resources mentioned in this episode, please head to the Show Notes page.

Everyone Has an Innate Need to Belong

This is especially true in the teen years when kids tend to want to belong and fit it somewhere. It's a healthy part of their development, this drive to figure out who they are, and who they are not, and where their place is in this world.

If you stop and think about it, many of the stories we love are about characters figuring out where they belong. Here are some quick examples:

• Luke Skywalker belongs with the Jedis.
• Harry Potter belongs in Gryffindor.
• Bella Swan belongs with the vampires.
• Percy Jackson belongs with the demigods.

Teens Who Belong – and Those Who Don't

While I don't want to use scare tactics to emphasize the importance of creating a place for teens to belong – whether in your family or your classroom - there are some startling outcomes when teens don't feel like they belong in those places. Consider the words of Mark Gregston, founder of Heartlight Ministries:

"Belonging can't be bought, it can't be forced, but it can be taught, nurtured and modeled. Why should a parent nurture their teen's sense of belonging in their own family? . . . if your child isn't feeling a sense of belonging at home, they will seek it somewhere else, regardless of the cost."

And while this may spike a bit of fear in me, I know that the positive outcomes of belonging and connection are just as significant. Take in this quote, from Middle Earth of Somerset County, NJ:

"Children with a strong sense of belonging within their family see themselves as valuable and have self-respect and carry themselves with dignity and integrity."

It was with these ideas in mind that I reflected on what it looks like for a teen to belong, and the different ways I can be intentional and deliberate about creating a "home base" for them. This is what I came up with.

5 Ways to Help Teens Feel Like They Belong

• Show up for each other
  • Attend events, performances, competitions
  • Invest time in knowing about their extracurricular interests, the things they love that hold importance to them
• Demonstrate loyalty – have each other's back
  • Stand up for each other
  • Assume the best in any given circumstance
• Remind each other of who we are
  • Don't allow anyone to say anything derogatory about them – including themselves
  • If they do speak harshly about themselves, prompt teens say 10 positive things/things they like about themselves
• Respect each other
  • Speak highly of your teens to others
  • Actively listen
  • Allow for changes – sometimes the hardest thing about belonging is feeling free to change and grow
• Keep traditions
  • "Inside joke" kinds of things
  • Adopt a name/identity – for my family, we use "Kelly Kids"
  • Use small, daily moments to reinforce your teens' value and place in your family or classroom – example: during school drop-off, I speak a blessing over my teens
• Hold clear values and beliefs
  • Ensure that everyone knows what the values are and what the outcome is for violating them
  • Talk about them ALL THE TIME – example: "Kelly's love each other," and "Kelly's tell the truth, even when it's hard."
  • Explain why those values are important to you – example: when we encourage our teens to "Love each other, " we explain that "your sibs are all you'll have once we're gone – the ones who will have a connection with you forever and ever"

We Belong Together

This isn't a list to inspire fear or feelings of failure. It's an invitation to reflect on what kind of place of belonging you're creating for the teens in your life.

I trust that you know that just because you don't check all the boxes doesn't mean your teen is going to rebel, become promiscuous, start doing drugs, or join a gang! Have grace with yourself, and make sure you're not beating up on yourself.

Use these suggestions to take baby steps, and choose one to focus on over the next week or month. Parenting isn't about using a firehose to fill the 2-liter bottles that represent our teens. It's about filling that bottle drip by drip by drip.

Small, day by day actions, done with great love. That's what we're aiming for.

And if you, like your teens, are looking to belong somewhere, I'd love to be your place! Check out the resources below to hang with me on social media and other podcasts.

Arguments and Confrontation and Frustration, Oh MY!

I don't know about you, but I really hate confrontation. Whether it's with Philip, my husband, or with one of my teens, it is not something I enjoy. But like most families, we've had our fair share of arguments.

When Philip and I were first married, the whole conflict thing was really hard. We learned quickly that there's a difference between arguing to win versus arguing to find a solution or resolution.

Arguments and Boundaries

We're made definite strides since then, and once we had the kids, we really tried to nail down some guidelines for when we disagree. I don't know that we've done it well, but we have tried to keep some boundaries in place. Ours look like this:

• No name-calling
• We use our words not our hands (this is a given)
• We work for solutions, not for a "win"

And, especially when the kids were younger, whenever Philip and I argued were consistent in reassuring them that we still loved one another. The same for when we were angry with them – "I love you very much and I'm very angry at the choice you made," was something they heard often.

Now that Patrick and Phoebe are teens, I've come to terms with the fact that it's developmentally appropriate for them to argue. It's not fun, nor is it easy, but it is to be expected.

Modeling Healthy Arguments

It's my job as their parent to model what healthy disagreements look like. And to embrace the fact that it is healthy and preferable for our kids to see strongly opinionated parents hashing things out in a loving, respectful way (that might sometimes include raised voices.)

It's not something that's come easily to us; we've had to work at it and practice, and we're always learning.

I wanted to share some of the things we've learned so far. And please hear me when I say we're a work in progress – we're practicing these things; we haven't yet mastered them.

This Is Your Brain in an Argument

Okay, first, it helped us to understand how the brain works during an argument or confrontation. This is something I talked about in Episode 41, called the "fight, flight, or freeze" response. It's probably something you've heard of before, but just in case, here's what happens:

1. You're faced with something that signals "danger" to your brain. Only, instead of a wild animal chasing you, it's actually your teen expressing displeasure. In a very attacking way. And probably loudly.
2. Your prefrontal cortex – the part of your brain in charge of decision making and moderating social behavior – goes completely offline.
3. Your amygdala takes over – it's part of your brain's limbic system and mediates many aspects of emotion and memory.
4. It passes along the "danger" information to other areas of the brain and to the endocrine system.
5. These other areas trigger the "fight, flight or freeze" response.
6. Your heart may pound, you might start breathing rapidly, and you may start to sweat.

Sometimes this reaction happens more quickly than our "thinking brain" (prefrontal cortex) can process what's happening. Which is useful if you see a car speeding toward you and you jump out of the way before you can even think about it. Not so useful if you're dealing with an argumentative teen.

Because unless you're using your prefrontal cortex, you're going to be hard-pressed to ask good questions.

Argument Solutions

So, what's the solution? Getting yourself out of the fight, flight, or freeze mode. And that's going to look different for everyone. This is where the previous episode - #41 – I mentioned comes in handy. It's got lots of great tips on how to calm yourself.

For our purposes today, just know that it's key to recognize when you're in that fight, flight, or freeze state and HOLD OFF on trying to have a meaningful conversation until you can think clearly. Whether that looks like deep breathing or a time-out is dependent on your circumstances.

Obviously, for you teachers out there, I know putting yourself in a time-out isn't usually an option, but you might consider waiting until the end of class to talk to a student or having them come in during lunch or after school to chat.

Once you're clear-headed, think about the situation at hand with curiosity. Which means asking questions.

Here's What Matters (and What Doesn't) in an Argument

But, before you ask any question, you need to keep a couple of things in mind. I'm just going to touch on this, and if you want to know more, you can check out last week's episode (#62).

1. Tone matters – remember: curiosity, not inquisition. And leave any snark out of it.
2. Energy matters –Changing your language and your energy can go a long way when you're faced with a teen who's (as we say in Texas) "loaded for bear." If you've truly gotten out of fight, flight, or freeze, your energy will be calm and self-controlled
3. Location matters – DO NOT have this discussion in front of an audience – one or both of your responses will be highly influenced, and you both might feel backed into a corner as you try to save face
4. Being "right" does NOT matter – sometimes it's better to be kind than to be right – not in every case, but in some

Then, depending on the situation, think about what will create a connection and move you toward a solution or resolution.

Examples for Teachers and Parents

For instance, if a student is arguing with you after you've called them out for disrupting the classroom in some way, you, of course, need to stop the disruption. Once you're calm, let yourself be curious about the student's motivation. Asking a question like, "Help me understand what's going on right now?" or "What's keeping you from listening quietly while I talk to the class?"

Then, really listen. (Again, more on this in Episode 62)

The same goes for parents. Let's say your teen is arguing with you about something you've asked them to do. First, make sure you are calm – this may mean sending them (or yourself) to a different room until you're back in thinking mode. Once you're using your prefrontal cortex, again, you're aiming for a curious energy rather than an authoritarian one.

Talk to your teen with the intent of understanding and connection, using questions like "Help me understand why you're refusing to wash the dishes/fold the laundry/take out the trash?" or "What's keeping you from doing the things I'm asking you to do?"

Now, in both cases, you might not get an answer that feels "acceptable" in the moment. But what you will have done is made your teen reflect on their behavior. Which means that next time, they might make a different choice. And if not next time, maybe next year, or the year after that, it will all click.

One of the things that I struggle with is letting a confrontational moment like this go, without resolving it immediately. But this isn't about "winning" in the moment – it's about connecting in the long-term and teaching them how to evaluate and modify their own behavior.

The Ultimate Goal

In moments like these – ones of conflict and stress – it is so easy to forget that our goal is not controlling our teens' behavior so that things go the way we want it to.

Telling them that disrupting class or refusing to do chores is wrong and forcing them to comply might work in the short term, but we're playing the long game.

Our objective is that they learn how to think about the choices they make and why they're making them. Eventually, when they're not with us – especially when they're adulting on their own - they know how to make good choices because they know how to think for themselves.

Why Use Connection Questions?

What would it look like if you could meaningfully connect with your teens whenever you wanted to?

It's an intriguing question isn't it, whether you're a teacher or a parent.

How about this one:

What would it look like for the teens in your life to come visit you in twenty years and tell you what an impact you made on them?

I don't know about you, but questions like that grab me in the gut and make my mind race, imagining the possibilities.

Now, pay attention to what's happening in your brain when I ask this:

What was the name of the actress of your favorite movie in high school?

Is your mind shuffling through your memories, trying to remember that favorite movie and who starred in it? Or did you know the answer right off the bat?

Either way, your brain was triggered by the QUESTION, and went to work right away.

That is because QUESTIONS have power. When you figure out which ones to ask – especially with your teens – you have an unlimited capacity for influencing and connecting.

The Power of Connection Questions

But before we get to that lofty goal, let me explain WHY connection questions pack such a punch.

It has everything to do with the brain, and what happens when it receives a question. First, you need to know that, according to author David Hoffeld, ". . . science has proven that [questions are] an effective tool for strengthening connections between people and gaining influence."

He also shares that "Questions trigger a mental reflex known as "instinctive elaboration." When a question is posed, it takes over the brain's thought process. And when your brain is thinking about the answer to a question, it can't contemplate anything else."

In addition, innovator and strategist Neil Cooper writes, "We are hardwired to at least think of a response to the question . . . and we instinctively want to help. Our rational mind might . . . decide that we won't respond or choose not to offer a constructive response. We might have been socially conditioned not to engage with the questioner (ever been asked for a charity donation in the street?). But our thoughts have already been shaped by the question being asked."

You may be asking, "So what?" [See what I did there – hah!]

Here's why it matters for connecting with and influencing teens – even if they aren't able to answer your question – or if they refuse to – their brains are still at work trying to answer it.

That means, whether you're asking about their day, or questioning them about the choice they just made, their response doesn't matter as much as the fact that you're prompting them to think about it.

Guidelines for Great Connection Questions

Here are a few guidelines and examples for asking great connection questions:

• Make them open-ended (no yes/no options)
• Stay away from "Why" – it indicates judgement.
• Use "What" questions. Examples:
  • What is it that's keeping you from . . . ?
  • What would it look like if . . .?
  • What would help you . . .?
  • What can I do that would be most helpful for you?
• Craft your questions to fit the circumstances – evaluate what information they can share that would be the most helpful. (For instance, understanding "why" your teen won't stop talking in class might not be as important as having them answer "what would it look like for you to show respect to your classmates?" or "what can I do to help you make better choices?")

Asking your teen questions is the first step to connecting – and obviously, we want to use questions to open our teens up, rather than grilling them like they're under an inquisition.

After Connection Questions

Here are some guidelines on what to do AFTER you've asked your great connection questions.

• Don't just ask the questions – ACTIVELY LISTEN when your teen responds
  • Use non-verbal cues like eye contact, nodding, and leaning forward
  • Don't interrupt – listen to understand, not to respond
  • Clarify using connection statements:
    • what I hear you saying is . . .
    • It sounds like you're feeling . . .
    • Help me understand . . .
  • Withhold judgment
• When your teens DO share with you, ACKNOWLEDGE their opinions
  • Affirm that you understand their ideas
  • Respond with empathy and validation
    • Again, using connection statements can be helpful
      • ME TOO!
    • Be willing to accept a different perspective
    • If you disagree, do so respectfully – and keep it to the big stuff, like ideas and values vs. taste

Troubleshooting Connection Questions

Doing things this way will probably take some practice – at least, it does for me. Sometimes it helps to start small and pick one time a day (or even a week) to thoughtfully use connection questions as a strategy.

I know we've talked about this before, but we all know our kids aren't vending machines that we can drop a few quarters in and out comes what we want. So here are a couple of ideas for troubleshooting with this whole question strategy.

1. Timing matters – I know not to try to talk to my teens first thing in the morning, or right after school. But 11:00 pm seems to be their witching hour.
2. Previous conversations matter – if you keep asking the same things over and over, or you don't remember something significant your teen has shared, that can be frustrating for your teen (I know this from experience.) If you're not sure where something is on your teens importance-meter, ask.
3. The immediate outcome does not matter. Remember, their response doesn't matter as much as the fact that you're showing an interest. You're prompting them to think about their values and beliefs, and just by asking the question, you've planted the idea in their brain that it's something to be considered.

It's helpful for me to remind myself that I'm in the long game here. I'm not aiming for immediate behaviors so much as lifelong values, skills, and beliefs.

Oh, in case you were wondering – my favorite movie in high school was St. Elmo's Fire. 😊 There were several actresses in it: Demi Moore, Ally Sheedy, Mare Winningham, Andy McDowell.

For resources mentioned in this episode, head to theishgirl.com/ep62

THE CHALLENGE TO LIVE LOVE

It's easy to feel swallowed up by the despair, depression, and grit of this broken world we live in. The lack of humanity we witness, the level of disconnect we see among different groups in our nation, the large scale devastation caused by natural disasters that seem to pop up with alarming regularity – it can feel like a never-ending tidal wave hopeless, loveless, relentless negativity. And it's easy to forget the good that triumphs – often.

The difference is that the negative stuff seems to darken the world on a large scale, while the positive stuff appears as tiny pinpricks of brightness, flickering like fireflies on a summer night.

The challenge is in teaching our teens that it's the brightness that matters, that adopting values that reflect love, justice, and is worth standing up for, living in, and fighting for when necessary.

And it's our job as parents and teachers to help them understand that it's going to be HARD, and sometimes very uncomfortable – but hard doesn't mean bad, and discomfort is the currency of change.

Living love out this way is HARD – even for adults (and by adults, I mean me.)

Brene Brown's article "Doubling Down on Love" concludes with a great list of action items - and in her beautiful way, she directs them at herself. I have a list too – one that I started using "YOU" instead of I & me. But I think that's one of the insidious ways that lovelessness infiltrates – when I'm holding up a to-do list of solutions to "everyone out there" instead of up to a mirror.

HOW I WANT TO LIVE LOVE

So, here's my personal list of things I want to implement – a list I tried my hardest to filter through unselfish love and through my role as an influencer of the teens in my life:

1. Recognize my own cynicism, and use the Thought Model to combat it with loving thoughts that reflect my values
2. Model being "unrealistic" (re: idealistic) in my passion for justice and equality in ways that align my values and my actions.
3. Hone my critical thinking skills and expand that learning to my teens – adopt the motto: Curious Skepticism.
4. Bring it back down to an individual level – rarely is change affected in a widespread sweeping fashion. It starts across a cup of coffee, talking over a dinner table or conference table, or in the quiet moments of time spent with my people. Small beginnings are not to be despised, and an "all or nothing" philosophy leads to nothing more often than not. Tiny changes are better than none.
5. See things from a different perspective – dig into real numbers from reliable sources and research.
6. Walk courageously – this means getting face to face with people and engaging in conversations (not confrontations) that might be uncomfortable. This needs to come from a place of love and curiosity, NOT self-righteousness, and needs to involve lots of gentle questions that start with things like, "Help me understand . . . " and "What is it that's keeping you from . . ." and "I hear what you're saying and I'm curious about . . ."
7. Point out the positive: Remember those small pinpricks of light? I LOVE to point those out to my teens. Whether it's listening to the Christmas wishes that are fulfilled on our local radio station during the holidays, or hearing a celebrity like Ellen holding up a light when making a statement as she did recently: "When I say, 'Be kind to one another,' I don't mean only the people that think the same way that you do. I mean be kind to everyone. Doesn't matter." Or watching a grieving man embrace his brother's killer in forgiveness like Brandt Jean did with Amber Guyger – I want my teens to recognize that you might have to look harder to find the light, but it's always there.
8. Remind my teens – often – that they have a purpose and unique gifts to help them fulfill it. Help them figure out what those are and teach them to be relentless in equipping themselves in what they need to accomplish that purpose.

Recently, my friend Tami was explaining the idea that as educators and parents, we are the external emotional regulators for our kids. That's a fancy way of saying we model appropriate ways to manage our emotions. It's a necessary part of every child's development, and it's a process.

I would contend that part of that process is modeling and specifically teaching the idea that love is the ultimate filter to use when managing our emotions. When we can view everything through the lens of a pure, selfless, unconditional love, that is WORLD CHANGING.

THE CHALLENGE TO LIVE LOVE

That's the challenge I'm taking on, and I'm inviting you along with me. I know it's going to be imperfect, messy, and tough, but I also know that discomfort is the currency of change. And if I want my teens to be willing to step into the fray, I have to be first in line, leading them there.

To find the resources referenced in this episode, go to theishgirl.com/ep61.