In the Middle of It with Amy Kelly, The Ish Girl

FIND YOUR FOOTING

This is the second half of a conversation I had with Dr. Susan Densmore-James, Associate Professor at the University of West Florida, and the Director of the National Writing Project at UWF. Susan is a former colleague of mine, and as I mentioned in Part One, I'm super-grateful we were able to find time to connect during this unusual season of COVID 19.

Our conversation is very timely, as teachers are beginning to gear up to start the school year. The wisdom that Susan drops is incredible, so if you're a teacher – particularly a middle school teacher – make sure you have a pen and paper ready to jot down some notes.

FIND GREAT RESOURCES

For Planning

Use web-based apps, like Planbookedu, to show each other what's going on in your classroom

Planbookedu allows you to stay focused on your state's standards

It shows how many days you've spent on state standards – you can hook the standards into each day's lesson plan within the app

Planbookedu is low-cost – the basic (very limited) version is free, and the deluxe version is $25 a year. Many districts have licenses for it and/or other planning tools

For Instruction

Padlet is a great resource to use – it's a "one-stop-shop" for creating instruction. It's like a corkboard, where you can "pin" videos, slides, text, etc.

It has a Gallery with examples for inspiration

Students can interact with it

It allows students to take responsibility for what they're learning

The Online Classroom by Brooke B. Eisenbach and Paula Greathouse

FIND YOUR PEOPLE

Reach out to new teachers

You can't expect new teachers to reach out – many don't want to admit when they don't know something

In this new teaching paradigm created by COVID, it's important to include reaching out to new teachers, to share what you're doing and also encourage other colleagues in your same grade level and subject area to reach out as well

Remember that there is so much that new teachers haven't experienced – not just the COVID-related things, but also how to handle current events that affect our students, like the death of George Floyd

Learn from your colleagues

Find your tribe of people – sometimes you need people outside of your school. Facebook groups are great for this. In the Referenced in this Episode section below, I've included links to some of the middle school, subject-area-focused groups I've found.

Kudos to U.S. teachers, for all the giving, sharing, and support since COVID changed the education world.

This is an excellent opportunity to learn from what other teachers are doing

Use a 5 – 10-minute zoom to collaborate

We have to think smarter – how can we work together?

Create accountability with colleagues

Use planbook.edu

Check in with each other via texts, calls, or zooms

Stay close to your university – maintaining that connection is valuable

FIND YOUR SWEET SPOT

Balance

7 day work weeks cannot happen

Map out your plan, and the expectations for the days and times you're meeting

Create a schedule and articulate how it is going to work, in writing and on video. Share with students and parents.

Be upfront about your commitment to balance – tell students "None of us can work constantly." Help them map out a plan as well.

Creativity

Use this time when most states have suspended standardized testing as a welcome opportunity to engage and get the kids hooked into school

Experiential learning is super-valuable for students – figuring out how to create that in a virtual environment is the challenge

It's less work on the teacher when students choose what they're learning about and studying and how they show that learning, using their talents

Feel confident in this moment – and take advantage of the opportunity to be more creative

Focus

Information is at the kids' fingertips – it's our job to teach the skills, mindsets, and attitudes that will best serve them

Focus on authentic tasks – students find value in working on projects that have real-life applications. Writing book reviews to publish as blogs, creating a budget based on the job and salary they'd like to have, etc.

I cannot adequately express my thanks to Susan for all the great tips and advice she's shared with us here on In the Middle of It!

If you're a middle school teacher looking for more resources to help you as you plan for the upcoming school year, be sure to check out the show notes for this episode at http://theishgirl.com/ep90.

You'll find an *extra* free bonus there!

A COLLEAGUE FROM MY DAYS IN THE CLASSROOM

I recently had a conversation with an incredible educator who I'm privileged to call "friend." Susan Densmore-James and I worked together at Rachel Carson Middle School, in Herndon, Virginia, teaching 8th graders. Her classroom was next door to mine; she taught English and I taught social studies, as part of a team – we had the same set of 140ish students.

The advice Susan shared in our discussion was GOLD. Much of what she talks about is so timely, during this unusual season of COVID19, as teacher gear up to start the school year. She drops all kinds of amazing strategies throughout our conversation, so if you're a teacher – particularly a middle school teacher – make sure you have a pen and paper ready to jot down some notes.

The highlights of Part One of our interview follow.

CLASSROOM PRIORITIES

What works in the classroom can work online too.

The right mindset matters.

Use the tools you have – especially the Zoom breakout rooms.

Building community is the most important task at the beginning of the year

This is especially true with elearning, and with your virtual classroom; teachers will likely have to spend more time at the beginning of the year building community

You can build community as you teach students how to use technology appropriately, and you can bake it into curriculum-related activities.

Ask yourself: What can I do online, in Zoom Rooms, and as a larger group, to build community?

Remember that the more students see the teacher on video, the more connected they will feel. Be vulnerable with them on camera, let them see the real you.

Strategies to try:

First-Chapter Friday

1. Read aloud to students from a YA book.

2. Model reading strategies, like sharing your thoughts as you read.

Classroom Rules Activity

1. Set up Zoom room for class

2. Read "All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten" by Robert Fulghum

3. Share a copy with each student.

4. Tell students they will be randomly assigned to Zoom Room small groups, where they need to decide which 1 rule should be the classroom rule for the year. They must make their claim, give evidence and reasoning for the rule they chose, and present their group's ideas to the whole class at the end of the allotted time.

5. Use the Zoom Room feature to put students in small groups.

6. Monitor the Zoom Rooms.

7. Bring the group back together and discuss what the groups decided.

8. Choose as a large group the one rule for the class.

YOUR CLASSROOM ISN'T BOUND BY WALLS ANYMORE

Showing up for the parents is crucial for a successful year.

Again, be willing to be vulnerable on camera – whether live or recorded. Let the parents see who you are.

Set a tone of "Nothing is going to be perfect, and we're a support team for the students."

Establish that the "word of the year" is grace.

Get your plan for the year together before school starts. Detail how your classroom will work online.

Clearly articulate your plan to the parents – write it and video it. Put both versions someplace they can access them online and send them the links.

Parents will work with you when they know you're a person.

Be willing to show up imperfectly and vulnerably

Don't be scared of the camera.

Let go of perfectionism. (70% is perfect, 100% is failure) We learn more from failure than from earning a perfect score.

COVID19 has slowed us down and allowed us to be more reflective – leverage that in your classroom.

Being able to embrace the messiness is going to serve you better than anything else right now.

NEXT TIME

Be sure to catch the second part of my conversation with Susan as we talk about collegiality and communicating with other educators as you navigate this school year.

WHAT TO READ NEXT

I'm so glad you're here because I'm talking about my favorite thing ever today – reading! Specifically, I'm sharing the books that I've been reading this summer, plus the ones that are in my TBR stack, to inspire you on what to read next.

Now, if you've been with me awhile, you know that I normally do a summer book club, but I've decided that this year, I'm not. Mostly because my oldest just graduated and he'll be heading to college next month (oh! my heart!) so I've been streamlining to give myself time for all. the. things. From graduation, to grieving, to getting stuff for his dorm, to his actual drop off day, I knew this summer would be emotional and busy. So instead of a book club, I'm bringing you amazing recommendations from the YA world that you can read with your teen or without. If you're looking for what to read next with your teens (or to do a book club with them), I'd highly recommend downloading my free resource, Questions for Any Book, to use in your discussions.

ABOUT THE BOOKS

Just a note about all of the books I'll be talking about. Most of these are on the lighter side. I've included a couple of harder-hitting ones, but for the most part, these are light summer reads. The ones with a star by them are ones that I've read. Some are older releases that I've just gotten to recently. Some hit shelves within the past few weeks. Others haven't come out yet – for those, I've included their release dates.

Okay, having said that, here are all. the. books. that are what you can read next.

BOOKS I'VE READ Maureen Johnson's Truly Devious series

If you like a good mystery, this series is for you. Set in a boarding school that only houses 50 hand-picked students, you'll love following Stevie Bell and her friends as they solve the 75-year-old mystery that has haunted Ellingham Academy. There are twists and turns in the twists and turns. It's a super fun adventure, and I, personally, was SO GLAD I waited until the 3rd book was out (I think it published at the end of January.) The books in the series are Truly Devious, The Vanishing Stair, and The Hand on the Wall.

Talk Nerdy to Me by Tiffany Schmidt

This is the third book in Schmidt's Bookish Boyfriends series, and like the first 2, this one didn't disappoint. Where those chronicled the stories of sisters Merri and Rory, this third book is all about Eliza Gordon-Fergus, Merri's best friend and very neglected daughter of 2 overachieving, Nobel prize-winning scientists. Like her first two books, the author weaves classic novels into this modern-day story – in this book, it was Frankenstein and Anne of Green Gables. The first book, A Date with Darcy, pulled in Pride and Prejudice (of course) and Romeo and Juliet. The second book, The Boy Next Story, drew upon The Great Gatsby and Little Women. The good news is that there is a 4th book coming out, Get a Clue. The bad news? It's going to be a while before it's released. (January 19, 2021)

The Squad: Perfect Cover and The Squad: Killer Spirit by Jennifer Lynne Barnes

While waiting for JLB's latest to come out (The Inheritance Games, September 1,) I decided to check out some of her earliest titles and found The Squad series. It's a little dated – I think they came out in 2008 – but so, so fun. If you're looking for a lighthearted, snarky read, I'd definitely give them a try. Think Bring It On meets Spy Kids. The whole premise is that the elite cheerleading squad (and all the "it" girls) at Bayport High School, where Toby Klein is a new student, is actually an undercover spy team. Because who expects anything from cheerleaders?

A Good Girl's Guide to Murder by Holly Jackson

As I put this list together, I realized I had this whole murder mystery, subterfuge theme going on. It's the story of high school senior, Pippa Fitz-Amobi, who uses a 5-year-old murder as the basis for her AP Capstone Research project. I was interested in this book for a couple of reasons – 1, the AP Capstone program is one that my son did, and 2, the whole being on a mystery-kick thing. This book had the flavor of the wildly popular podcast, Serial. I loved it because it tackled some serious issues like justice & racism.

BOOKS I HAVE IN MY OWN WHAT TO READ NEXT STACK

If you want to know more about them, click the link to read the Amazon description.

DIG by A.S. King Keep My Heart in San Francisco by Amelia Diane Coombs Now and When by Sara Bennett Wealer Mayhem: A Novel by Estelle Laure JULY 21 10 Things I Hate About Pinky by Sandhya Menon

(Follow-up to When Dimple Met Rishi and There's Something about Sweetie)

IMI Episode 53

More Than Maybe by Erin Hahn

(I also loved her You'd Be Mine.)

AUGUST 4 Midnight Sun by Stephenie Meyer

(Twilight from Edward's perspective!)

AUGUST 11 Chasing Starlight by Teri Bailey Black AUGUST 18 Six Angry Girls by Adrienne Kisner

12 Angry Men movie

WHAT TO READ NEXT – AND WATCH!

The last 2 books I'm going to talk about have been out for a while, and I'm adding them to your what to read next list because they're also on screen – or will be soon.

I'm Not Dying with You Tonight by Kimberly Jones and Gilly Segal. Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng

Little Fires Everywhere with Reese Witherspoon and Kerrie Washington (Hulu series)

Brene Brown's interview with Reese Witherspoon and Kerrie Washington (Unlocking Us podcast) Okay, so that's my list for you guys. I'd love to know what you and/or your teens read next! Email me at [email protected] or DM on Fa

INTENTIONAL IMPACT

Whether we're intentional about it or not, we influence the teens in our life. And I would say our actions, rather than our words, have the most impact.

And to have the maximum impact, intentionality – whether in teaching or in parenting – is crucial when you want to influence your teens in a positive way.

Which means you have to know what you believe and what your values are – and live them – if you want to make a big impact on your teens.

IF YOU DON'T STAND FOR SOMETHING, YOU'LL FALL FOR ANYTHING

This quote that I used in my Civics classroom every year still rings true for me today. Whether in the context of middle school teacher or parent, if I don't know what I believe, what I value, then it's hard to stay anchored – there's no place for me to put a stake in the ground and say, "THIS. This is what I believe, this is what I stand for, this is what I want for you, the teens entrusted to my care."

Which may be okay with you – but for me, I need more. And I think our teens need more too. I think there's a part in all of us that need a purpose – something more than ourselves that drives us to be better, do better, and to contribute in a meaningful way.

HOW DO YOU WANT TO IMPACT YOUR TEENS?

For me, it's a drive that ignites this desire to guide and impact the next generation, to share the wisdom of experience, and to open the doors of critical thinking for the teens in my life.

If you've found your way here, to In the Middle of It, I have a feeling that you may feel that way too – this spark inside you that longs to contribute to something more. To show up for your teens in a way that inspires and encourages, and creates an impact.

Doing that well – positively influencing your teens – doesn't just happen. It takes intention, thought, and clarification.

QUESTIONS AND CLARIFICATION

Now, if you're like me, you may not have realized this until you were questioned. Why do you do things the way you do? What is it that you believe that makes you require your kids to use good manners? To stand up for the underdog? Or to be respectful of the adults in their lives?

My own kids were fairly young when their questions started – some of you may be familiar with the "whys" that start when your kids hit about 3 years old. When they're that young, it's much easier, because they mostly accept your simple explanations, and "because I said so" works in a pinch.

But teens? Not so much.

KNOW WHAT YOU KNOW

So if you're not sure what your values and beliefs are – you just know you have them, and that you do things the way you do because it's "right" then this episode is for you.

I have two questioners – both my teens are quick to point out when something doesn't make sense to them or conflicts with something I've said at a previous time, and ask for an explanation. This is something we've worked on – all of us. Me, because initially, their questioning came across as sass and defiance – I had to recognize it for what it actually was – a desire for things to make sense. Them, learning to question with curiosity rather than challenge.

The thing is, it's really difficult for me to come up with answers on the fly. So when my teens challenge something I've said or requested or required, if they question me, I'm not often good on my feet. I tend to want to default to "because I said so" and before the words even finish coming out, I want to slap a hand over my mouth, because who wants to be that parent?

Not me.

I found that to be able to confidently answer in the moment, I have to really know – like, know that I know that I know - what I believe and value.

When I can do that, when I have this standard for lack of a better word, that I can refer back to, it makes it soooo much easier to make – and explain – decisions. And most importantly – to LIVE OUT what those things are. And, total bonus, it's cut down on a lot of the questioning, because my kids know what our family values and beliefs are.

5 KEY AREAS I WHERE I WANT TO IMPACT & INFLUENCE MY TEENS

For me, nailing down 5 different areas has been super helpful: family identity, faith, traditions, discipline, sex.

Family Identity

What is it that you want your kids to feel like in your home? For me, I want my kids to know our home is a place they belong, without question. Nothing they can do or not do, say or not say, can change how much we love them. Period. This is their safe place. We've built this with strategies like a family name – the Kelly Kids – and doing things together like game nights, vacations, and keeping traditions (which I'll talk about in a sec.)

Faith

What do you believe about a higher power? For our family, we are Christians and believe that Jesus is God's son, and he came to earth and died for us to be reconciled to God and have a personal relationship with him. For us, it's not about checking boxes and "doing" the "right" things – it's about a relationship with Christ, and him working in and through us.

Traditions

How are you going to celebrate special occasions in your life? Not just holidays and birthdays, but stuff like the first and last days of school, and other milestones. Some of these might be things you did growing up as a kid with your own family, others might evolve. For us, besides the "typical" stuff, we have a tradition of choosing a Christmas ornament whenever we travel – so when we decorate our tree together each year, we're also reminiscing about the trips and adventures we've been on together.

Values & Discipline

What are the hills you're willing to die on? The values that are most important to you? And how are you going to handle when your kids don't live them? Because it's not if, it's when. So, for us, our big ones are honesty and trust, kindness, respect, and consideration. We made it clear when our kids were very young that if they told us the truth, we could have mercy with them in a way we couldn't if they lied. We help them frame every decision as an opportunity to build or break trust. And how we treat each other is very important.

Discipline in our house is using whatever currency we have with each kid and trying to make the consequence fit the crime. Aren't being kind to your sibling? No time with friends until you can treat your sibling with the same courtesy and consideration as you treat a friend.

Sex

How are you going to talk about sex with your kids? We realized early on that our kids were going to find out about sex – it's everywhere in the media, not to mention the things they talk about with their friends. For our family, that started with Philip and me getting as comfortable talking about penises and vaginas as we were talking about elbows and knees. And bringing up topics before our kids asked, especially when opportunities presented themselves. Which happened more frequently than you might imagine, again, given the media.

Decided what are values are around sex and communicating that, and reminding them that again, there is nothing they can do or not do, be or not be that will make us love them any more or any less.

Our goal, early on, was for our teens to be so comfortable with talking about sex that they come to us without even thinking about it. Which given the experience we've had with our teens, might have been a little – okay, a lot! – lofty. But even though they roll their eyes, they know that we're going to go there. Which means they can too when they choose to.

SPECIFIC IMPACT – AND LOTS OF GRACE

Getting very specific and deliberate about our Family Identity, Faith, Traditions, Values and Discipline, and Sex has created our family culture and given us guideposts for parenting our kids and for being. able to answer their questions on the fly.

But let me be very clear here – these are the goals, not the rules. We fall short all the time when it comes to living up to our values in these 5 areas – and our teens are SO QUICK to call us on even the slightest hint of hypocrisy. So please, please, don't take this as a list of things that you have to check off to be a great person or parent. It's mainly a list of aspirations. So – and those of you who've been with me for a while know what I'm about to say here! – have grace with yourself and with your teens.

Let this be fluid, and for sure, be open to changing some of these. I'll be the first to admit that the things we value and hold dear look very different now than they did 10 years ago. It's changed as our family has grown – yours will too.

IT'S NEVER TOO LATE

And if you're worried that the ship has sailed on doing this for and with your family, well, there's a reason that "it's never too late" is a cliché. Because it's not. You can start in this moment, and be transparent with your teens about your process. Because these are things they'll want to define for themselves too – it's a huge part of stepping into yourself, this defining of who you are, what you believe, and how you feel about important things.

INTENTIONAL IMPACT AND CO-PARENTING

The other piece of this that I'd like to address for a hot second is co-parenting. Because you might be thinking, "yeah, but what about my kids' other parent?" Whether you are parenting your kids with a spouse or partner, an ex-spouse or partner, a grandparent, or whatever, you will most probably find that the way you flesh out these different areas – family identity, faith, traditions, values & discipline, and sex – is very different than the way your parenting partner does. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that's going to be the case for most people who are parenting together – it's totally normal.

And it can be a huge friction point.

If that's the case for you – or even if it's not friction so much as not knowing how to have the conversation – then I have a resource for you that I'm SUPER excited about.

THE SAME WAVELENGTH

I'm offering a live workshop called The Same Wavelength, where I'm going to walk you and your parenting partner through a whole process to define these things and get into alignment in these areas, and more. There are a limited number of spots, so be sure to check out the link in the "Referenced in This Episode" section below to learn more about it.

WE HURT WHEN THEY HURT

One of the hardest things about being a parent or a teacher is watching your teens suffer. Whether it's disappointment in a grade they earned or challenges with friends, or when your teens fail, it just sucks when they hurt.

But here's the issue. If we don't dig any further than that, we could do our teens more harm than good. Here's why.

I don't know if you guys recall the Biosphere 2 Experiment (1991 - 1993), but a story came out of it that I still find fascinating and so applicable.

AN EPIC FAIL

The trees in the Biosphere grew at a fantastic rate – much more quickly than in the earth's normal conditions. But what the scientists didn't realize – until the trees started toppling and dying – is that they hadn't developed the kind of wood they need – stress wood – to survive. Why not? Because they had not experienced any wind. It takes the pressure of strong winds to help trees develop deep root systems and the strength they need to survive and thrive.

I'm letting that sink in for a sec. It takes STRESS for trees to develop resiliency.

You can see where I'm headed with this, I hope?

The same thing is true with our teens!

YOU WIN SOME YOU LEARN SOME

If we, like the biosphere – a place that was literally a bubble – protect and insulate our teens and try to create the perfect atmosphere for them, it might actually impede their growth and set them up for a fall.

I'm going to challenge you to think about your own life for a second here. Name 3 of the times in your life when you've grown or learned the most. Quick – right off the top of your head.

I'm going to go out on a limb – sorry about all the tree metaphors today! – and say that at least one, probably more, came from a painful or at the very least challenging, season. Maybe even one that was a result of some kind of failure on your part. And if that's not true for you, I'd seriously love to hear from you. Truly – DM me on FB or IG and let me know your story.

Anyhoo, I think that learning things the hard way – going on the field trip, so to speak – creates the most lasting lessons.

LOGIC VS. INSTINCT

Which means that when we protect our teens from failure, we're stunting their growth and keeping them from some valuable life lessons.

Which is super-easy to say, when I'm in my right mind, talking to you with my whole brain engaged, including my very logical and mature prefrontal cortex.

But in those moments of stress, when teens are hurting because of failure or rejection? All bets are off.

Which means, if I want to teach and parent in a way that reflects my values, I have to come up with a plan ahead of time. And that's what I want to share with you guys today.

It's better teaching and parenting when you allow your teens to fail.

WHY IT'S BETTER TO LET TEENS FAIL

I realize some of you may need convincing, so I want to address a couple more things before I dive into that planning.

To Fail is Human

First, I think it goes without saying that as humans, failure is part of our experience. If we can embrace the idea that there are going to be failures, setbacks, and disappointments, then we can help our teens navigate those seasons – without rescuing them.

DON'T Suck it Up, Buttercup

Second, I'm not suggesting that we throw our teens to the wolves, or even have a "suck it up buttercup" mentality. I think it's important to acknowledge that it is challenging to let our kids walk through pain, even knowing the benefit. And "not rescuing" and "letting them fail" are NOT the same things as not helping them.

Better Now Than Later

Which brings me to my third point: one of the biggest reasons I'm comfortable with letting my teens fail and suffer while they're with me, is that if I don't, when they do experience it (and remember, it's a given) then it will be when I'm not around to help them through it. Letting them fail now means that I'm with them, pacing the sidelines as everything unfolds and coaching them.

Plus, failing now is not going to have the same level consequences for our teens as when they're adults. Failure is relatively low-risk - the stakes only get higher and higher the older you get.

STRATEGIES TO STOP RESCUING THEM AND START LETTING YOUR TEENS FAIL

So, having said all that, here are some things you can do as you let things hit the fan with your teens.

Work to create a proactive plan

This is not you, springing this on your teen. It's you carefully communicating what responsibilities are theirs, and what are yours – and sticking to those boundaries. Here are some of the things that we've laid out for our teens in the Kelly house.

Our teens have to:

• wake up on their own
• make their own school lunches, or choose to buy from the cafeteria (and if they choose to buy, it's their responsibility to let me know when they need money added to their accounts.
• do their own laundry
• keep track of their own homework/assignments/tests/extracurriculars and managing their schedules
• keep Philip and I informed of anything that might impact our family's schedules - we have a family calendar where they are responsible for recording anything like performances, meetings, permission slip due dates, etc.

Don't jump in to fix things

Be there to listen to them and empathize with whatever they're going through

Ask open-ended questions to guide them in how to handle the situation

Talk to them - when it's not in the heat of the moment – about how to advocate for themselves, especially in things like holding boundaries with friends, talking to teachers when there is an issue or conflict, and how to handle relationship struggles

Build in some grace and flexibility

Keep in mind that we all make mistakes, and plan for it. For us, we give our teens 1 time a year where we'll bring forgotten homework to school, and we also give them 1 mental health day a year. I know that may be controversial for some educators and parents out there, but I know my teens – they're conscientious and they work hard. If I thought that was something they'd take advantage of it wouldn't be an option. But even as adults, we need the occasional mental health day, so I'm okay with it.

Carefully choose when you are and when you are not going to give reminders. A good litmus test is to ask: is this characteristic of my teen? If the answer is no, a gentle reminder might be in order. If the answer is yes, it might be better to bite your tongue, even if you can see the writing on the wall about the consequence they'll face.

Don't rub your hands, eagerly awaiting an opportunity to teach a lesson

This is not a "GOTCHA!" strategy. It's about taking small steps towards independence and coaching your teens along the way.

Having said that, if you notice that there's an area where your teen needs to grow, this can be a great way to help them along. You can set up opportunities for them to practice being in charge of themselves, and stick to your boundaries.

Be prepared for push back

It is developmentally appropriate for teens to question your rules and your rhyme and reason for them. This strategy is no different. And it's also developmentally appropriate for teens to push and prod to see if you really mean what you're saying. And they'll pull out their full arsenal to do it.

So be prepared for the big guns when you're making these kinds of changes. It's going to be uncomfortable, not only because change is in general, but because a change to taking full, personal responsibility in areas where Mom and Dad have previously held it – that has the potential to rock their worlds.

When you experience that pushback, remember that you're in this for the long-term growth of your teens, not the short-term comfort. It's really hard when they're arguing that they can't walk to school because they're going to get very sick, just look, Mom, I've already got a runny nose!

Empathize Instead of Rescuing

It's highly likely they'll try to push responsibility back on your plate – why can't you drive me? I don't have a clean uniform for the game – the coach will be really mad if I can't play because you didn't wash my uniform!

A good rule of thumb in those situations is to empathize with them but keep from rescuing them.

"Oh man, I hate that you didn't get up in enough time for me to give you a ride. It really stinks that you have to walk to school. Let's make sure you have an extra sweatshirt to wear." Or "I imagine your coach will be really upset about your dirty uniform. That's going to be hard. What's your plan for telling him why you didn't get it done?"

You get the idea – this is not you vs. them – it's them vs. their responsibilities.

Okay, those are the 5 things (plus one bonus!) you can do to help your teens fail. Create a plan, don't fix things, build in some grace, don't delight in teaching them a lesson, be ready for push back, empathize instead of rescuing.

HOW FAR IS TOO FAR IN LETTING TEENS FAIL?

And there's one more thing I want to touch on here. A question that comes up around this is how far do I let this go? And I can't answer that, because only you know your teens. You have to be very aware of what will be more harmful than good as far as their failures are concerned. I think the secret to the letting-them-fail-strategy is this: it's more about empowering them to become more independent and better self-advocates than it is about letting them experience pain. We know that the bottom line is that, like the trees in the biosphere, it's going to take some stress for our teens to grow strong and resilient. But that doesn't mean abandoning them to a hurricane. There will be some times when it is appropriate to step in for them. You have to decide which ones those are, based on what's characteristic of your teen.

Knowing your teen is something I talked about in Episode 5 of the podcast – there's a link to it in my show notes if you'd like to check it out.

WHY OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS?

When it comes to our teens, there is a big difference between telling them what they should do or think and asking them open-ended questions to gently guide them there.

I recently read a quote from Dale Carnegie that has really stuck with me. Here's what he said:

"A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still."

I'm convinced, the older my kids get, that I'm not always that great at convincing them. In fact, any time I've ever tried to "argue" my kids into my way of thinking, it's been an epic fail. They push back on principal alone. Which makes sense – I don't know about you, but I definitely remember loathing it anytime my parents "lectured" me about anything. They'd get this certain tone my back would just go up.

A DIFFERENT PARENTING PARADIGM

So, I have to rely on the 2-Litre bottle method of parenting. Which is the visual I picture when I think about influencing, parenting, and teaching my teens all the values, ideas, and strategies I want to impart. It has to be one drop at a time, slowly dripped in over the long haul.

One of the methods I've found super-helpful in this dripping method is questions. Open-ended questions, to be specific. It's a strategy my friend Tami Schow first introduced to me, and it's something she's brilliant at – in fact, a lot of what I'm sharing today, I learned from her.

PRACTICE ASKING OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS

I'm still practicing at asking great, open-ended questions, because my knee-jerk isn't to gently lead my teens, hoping they come to the conclusion I want them to reach on their own. My default is to just tell them what I think – and that I want them to think that way too. Which is, as you can imagine, less than helpful.

Once Tami shared the magic of questions with me, I did a little digging. It turns out, the human brain is wired to answer questions. Whether we want to or not, questions burrow in and nag at us, and our brains work to answer.

Which means it's a super-awesome parenting strategy – being able to nag in your teen's brain without having to actually, you know, nag? Um, yes, please.

So, you know I'm kidding, but in all seriousness, it works. There are a couple of things to keep in mind, though.

THINGS TO KEEP IN MIND WHEN YOU USE THE OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS STRATEGY

Don't expect them to tell you their answer.

Another piece of this that's magic? Your teens will get to the same place, 9 times out of 10. Even if they don't verbalize it.

And that is sometimes the rub – giving up the satisfaction of hearing them get there. Because a lot of times, your teens are not going to engage in a conversation about this with you – but if you ask the question, their brain has no choice but to work on it. You can be confident that you've planted a seed.

Like I said, magic.

Avoid questions with judgment attached.

Using pretty much any type of "why" question implies judgment. So do statements like "What were you thinking?" and "Where have I gone wrong?" Unfortunately, those can be the first things that fly out of your mouth – be sure you're having grace with yourself as you practice asking great questions with your teens.

This only works with open-ended questions.

If it can be answered with one word – yes, no, fine, okay – then it's not going to do the job you want it to do. One-word answers close the loop, so brains don't have to do any more work to find a solution.

If you're like I was in my conversation with Tami, at this point you might be wondering, "okay, what are some good open-ended questions?" Glad you asked! (And if you want to get a little meta – that was an open-ended question – hah.)

A QUICK WARNING

Here are some of my go-to's. And again, I want to make sure I'm giving credit where it's due – my friend Tami (did I mention she's a licensed counselor?) shared most of these with me.

And just a forewarning: as I made this list, I realized that a lot of these are questions to use in challenging circumstances. These aren't necessarily "I want to get to know you better" type inquiries. If you want questions more along those lines, you can find them in the Referenced in this Episode Section, by checking out my freebie "Questions for Any Book." There are some great ones there that you can adapt even without reading a book with your teen.

MY GO-TO OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS

Okay, back to these open-ended questions. Here we go.

What would it look like …?

… to create a study plan for the next test?

… if you were experiencing the same thing he/she is?

Help me understand …

… what you mean.

… how you're feeling.

… what you need.

… how that's helpful in this situation.

If you do , what might things look like (tomorrow, next week, in a year, etc.)?

… choose to skip school …

… torment your sibling …

… continue to lie to me …

Help me connect the dots between your (actions) and the outcome you wanted.

Another way to ask this is:

Walk me through , one step at a time. How could you have gotten a different outcome?

What is keeping you from …?

… doing the work you need to do to get good grades?

… respecting the boundaries (at home or in the classroom?)

… trying out for the (activity) you're interested in?

… being considerate to (classmates, family, etc.)

What is your plan for ...?

… making things right with (me, your teacher, your friend, your sibling)?

… keeping up with your assignments this marking period?

… creating better habits for yourself?

THE POSSIBILITIES ARE LIMITLESS

I've given y'all just a few suggestions on how you can use these open-ended questions, but the possibilities are limitless, and you can apply them to any aged teen – heck, even to the adults in your life.

With the right questions, you can guide your teens to the healthy values and beliefs you want for them without lecturing or nagging.

Which is a win-win as far as I'm concerned!

GRAB THE FREE LIST OF OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS

If you're like me, this is a mindset shift that's going to take some practice. For me, sometimes I struggle to come up with the right words in the heat of the moment. So, if you'd like a printable copy of these questions as a reminder, I've created an Open-Ended Questions Cheat Sheet for you. You can also find a link to it in my show notes, at http://theishgirl.com/ep85.

HOW CAN I MAKE A DIFFERENCE?

The past few months have been a bit challenging, because of the circumstances that we're living in right now. Between COVID-19 and the turmoil that is gripping our nation in the form of protests and rioting, the few months have been a bit challenging – at least for me. In fact, if I focus on the circumstances, it's easy for me to get sucked into feeling despair and helplessness. I'm asking myself questions like: How can I make a difference? This feels too big for me to have any kind of impact. Whether it's coronavirus or injustice and prejudice, I feel so inadequate.

CHOOSING MY HEADSPACE

But. That is not the headspace where I am choosing to live. I refuse to accept that my actions, however small and insignificant, won't make a difference.

While I can – and will – write letters, petition, and protest, I believe that you cannot legislate change in people's hearts. Yes, a reimagining of policies and new laws needs to happen. But true change will have to go beyond that.

A couple of episodes ago, I shared a story about a little boy picking up starfish, one at a time, on a beach strewn with thousands, and throwing them back into the ocean. He believed that even if he couldn't help all the starfish, he could help one at a time.

When it comes to making a difference, I've been thinking a lot about what I can do, where I am especially equipped and gifted, who is in my sphere of influence.

WHAT'S YOUR CALLING?

I believe that my – and possibly your – calling is to change the world, one teen at a time. To help each one feel seen. Heard. Understood. Valued. To treat each teen with dignity.

It's so important to me that as I move forward, I cast a vision and work to create unity with my teens.

I know I've shared with you before that that is one of my biggest strengths and biggest challenges – I can so easily see the big picture. But the details are much harder for me. I have to lean in and do the hard work of laying out what the specifics look like.

In this case, here's what I've come up with. Whether you're a big-picture person or a detail guru, I'd like to invite you to join me in these things. Because when we all do something – microscopic or not – it adds up to big shifts in the world.

PLANS FOR MAKING A DIFFERENCE

Here is what I'm going to do to affect change in my world:

I'm going to show up in conversations – especially the hard ones.

Model what it looks like to graciously admit when I'm wrong

Be okay and lean in when I am called out

Call people out

Lean in when it's hard and uncomfortable

I'm going to educate myself and then share what I've learned with my teens.

True history vs. what we're taught in classrooms

Examine my unconscious bias & unhelpful thought patterns

Make it personal for my teens

I'm going to model and guide critical thinking with my teens.

Look at bias in all forms of media

Compare the big picture to personal experience

Be aware that I don't know what I don't know

Intentionally seek out those who don't look like me to develop relationships. Period.

Proximity breeds understanding

I'm going to fiercely love my teens

Invest time

Become a student of who they are

Listen to them

Challenge their thinking

Communicate that they are heard and understood

Putting this list out there is a way of holding myself accountable for following through to make a difference – another challenge of mine, as I shared in the last episode.

A LIFELONG COMMITMENT TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE

I was listening to one of my favorite podcasters yesterday, as she spoke with her guest, Erica Courdae, whose job is to help companies and organizations facilitate conversations around challenging topics. As they had a very frank discussion about where the host missed the mark in issues of racial injustice and the systemic problems around it, Ms. Courdae pointed out that this is not a one-and-done issue. It's complex and it's going to take time, and a dedication to shifting mindsets, patterns, and behaviors that are often so embedded that we don't even recognize them.

I am committed to engaging in that process and I'd love for you to join me in it. Whether you're a parent of teens or a teacher of teens, I'm inviting you to make a difference. To start in your circle. To not discount the power of small steps. To tackle this head-on, one teen at a time.

MY THOUGHT PATH TO REGRETS

Yes, this is about my regrets. But first, I wanted to share the twisty road I took to get them.

I have this weird date thing that I do – somehow, my mind is a steel trap when it comes to remembering specifics when it comes to events. Like, the month, day, and year of my very first date, and the first time I met my husband and when I found out I was pregnant with my oldest. Added to that, my mind figures out relational math – as in, Philip and I are older than my parents were when we got married now. Or, when my Granny was the age I am now, I was 7 years old.

MY QUIRKY TIME THING

For whatever reason, I have a quirkiness when it comes to time. So it's no surprise to anyone in my family that I looked up how many days we have left with my son before we drop him off at his dorm. With all the COVID factors, we don't have an exact move-in date yet, but if I'm going by the first day of classes, we have less than 70 days left with him.

And in case you're wondering how my brain works, that line of thinking led me to reflect on all the years we've had with him. Which led to a lot of thoughts that began with, "I wish I had . . ." And THAT led me to think about the "I wish I hads . . ." from my teaching days.

Which led to this podcast episode.

WHAT I WISH I'D DONE DIFFERENTLY

Today, I'm talking about some of the things I wish I'd done differently with my teens – not just my own two, but the ones I had in my classroom.

This wasn't an easy episode to prep for – I've made no secret of the fact that one of my biggest challenges is my pride. But I've also made a commitment to being real and authentic with y'all, so here goes.

My biggest regrets are:

1. Holding onto control too tightly.
2. Not understanding what's developmentally appropriate in teens sooner.
3. Playing the victim.
4. Not following through on things.
5. Not having better mind-body awareness or taking better care of myself physically and emotionally.

So there you have it – my 5 biggest regrets with my teens.

THIS WAS HARD

In this week's email, I share a little more about this list, and what it meant to me as I wrote it. For now, what I'll share is that it was hard. And it also reminded me that I need to stay in my Ish Girl space – that place where I have grace for myself when I've messed up or flaked out. Again.

If you've been with me awhile, you may notice that I dropped the word "humorous" from that little catchphrase – normally I say "have humorous grace with myself."

That's easier to do when the only one affected by my mistakes is ME. When it impacts the people I love, it's a much harder task to accomplish, this having compassion with myself.

WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE AND WE ALL HAVE REGRETS

I'm sharing this because I have a feeling you've all been there. Whether a teacher or a parent, you are first a human. And we mess up.

The thing is when we model what it looks like to have grace with ourselves, and we work to reconcile and reconnect with our teens, it's powerful.

Because it's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when. You're going to mess up. Your teen is going to mess up. You too will be able to pinpoint regrets.

In the bigger picture, it's not about being perfect or right or above reproach.

It's about relationships.

It's about making things right when you've caused harm, and leaning in, past your regrets, to reconcile and reconnect.

HOW TO HELP YOUR TEENS WHEN THEY CAN'T PROCESS

It can be very difficult to help your teens when they are not aware or able to voice what they feel, think, or want at times. It's something that's developmentally appropriate - their emotions may often feel like a tangled ball or stew.

Right now is one of those times when I'm right there with them in that.

If you're like me, you might feel like a tangled ball of string or a stew thick with emotions, ideas, and longings.

That's exactly the description I'd use to describe myself as I watch all the turmoil and pain that's rocking our nation.

The thing is, I'm not a teenager anymore. So I have to take the time to sort through and untangle myself, so that I can help my kids – who actually are teens - walk through the world right now.

Which is challenging.

ISSUES OF RACE AND DISCRIMINATION

If you've been with me for a while, you know I've talked about issues of race and discrimination before, in terms of books. You can listen to Episode 25 to hear my discussion on Children of Blood and Bone by Tomi Adeyemi, to Episode 34 to hear me talking with two women about The Hate You Give, by Angie Thomas, and to Episode 42 to hear me talking about A Very Large Expanse of Sea.

What's happened with George Floyd is exactly why I shared those books – as a starting point to talk about tough things with your teens. To help your teens make better grasp the world around them.

Now, we're walking through the very real scenario of a black man dead at the hands of police. Again.

My heart is broken and my soul is on fire with anger at the injustice of it.

And I don't have any answers.

I DON'T HAVE ANSWERS, BUT I HAVE THIS

Here's what I do have a:

• heart for listening to those who have been oppressed, and grieving with them
• humility because I know I am often ignorant about my own bias and privilege
• head to guide me in learning, transforming, and changing
• hope that the tide will turn, and justice will be available to all.

One of the things I'm challenged with is seeing the "big picture". Yes, it's a strength as well, but in the context I'm sharing, not so much.

The details of things make me feel itchy, and I'd rather have the big idea and let others work out the specifics.

That doesn't work for this crisis we're facing as Americans.

What I've discovered is the power of getting down to the granular level and doing for one what I'd like to do for many.

You may have heard the story about the little boy, walking along a beach one morning, where thousands of starfish had washed up on shore from a storm the night before. He's taking starfish, one by one, and throwing them back into the ocean. A man walking by says, "What are you doing? There are so many starfish – you'll never be able to get to them all before they start to die. Why bother?" The boy replies, "It matters to this one."

That's where I have to start – with this one, right in front of me. And to do that, I have to be in proximity – in relationship – with people who look different than I do.

Before I invited my friends Raven and Kellye onto the podcast to talk about The Hate You Give, we first participated in a small group discussion about the book.

The diverse group was made up of women who ranged in ages from their 20's to 70's. We had an open, challenging discussion that took my breath away. I learned so much, not the least of which is that even the act of listening is profound.

There are people you know right now who need to be heard. Who need to know that you are open and eager to hear how they're feeling, to understand what their experience has been.

Once I started to listen, I began to see the inequities that were rampant around me. I can guarantee, once you start to listen, you will too.

SIMPLE WAYS TO HELP YOUR TEENS SHOW UP FOR OTHERS

What blew me away at that book club meeting was this – the "asks" were so doable.

• Listen.
• Bear witness.
• Invite.
• Build relationships.
• Step into others' shoes.
• Be informed.
• Speak up.
• Ditch the idea that you are "saving" anyone.

In doing these things, not only will you be showing up in an authentic, real way, it will also help your teens because you are modeling what that looks like for them.

But modeling isn't enough. We need to give them the space to work through their tangled ball, their stew of feeling on the things going on in our world – or, we may even need to inform and educate them on it if they're not tuned in.

SIXS STRATEGIES TO HELP YOUR TEEN NAVIGATE RIGHT NOW

Here are some suggestions on how to do that.

Don't tell them what they are feeling or thinking.

You also want to avoid telling them what they should think or feel. That can invalidate what they are able to share.

Ask open-ended questions.

• What do you know about the man that was killed by a policeman in Minnesota?
• How are you feeling about that?
• What's the difference between the protestors and the rioters?
• Why do you think people are so angry?
• What do you know about Civil Rights and the history of people of color in the United States?
• How do you think we can change things?
• What would it look like if your generation was running things? How would this be different?
• When have you witnessed or experienced injustice in your own life?
• What does it mean to be "privileged"?
• Do you think we are privileged? Let's talk about some examples that lead you to think that.
• What is bias? What biases do you think you have?

Be okay with them not engaging with you and answering these questions.

Still ask them – your brain is wired to find answers to questions, so even if they don't share with you, their brains are working on it.

Share your own answers to the questions.

Talk about personal experiences that have opened your eyes to injustice in your world.

When you experience privilege or see injustice, talk to them about it in the moment.

You can also use resources – like the videos I've included in the Referenced in this Episode Section below – to talk to spark discussions about privilege, bias, and injustice.

Talk about ways to resist injustice and make a difference.

The small things you do in your corner of the world add up to big changes.

• Pray
• Protest
• Vote
• Write politicians
• Donate money to organizations
• Share stories of people who have made a difference

This article also offers some great ideas on how you can help.

LEANING INTO THE HARD TRUTH

You might be at the beginning of this journey. You may be feeling overwhelmed and like nothing will ever change. I'd love to share some resources with you. Some of these are books I've read that have affected my outlook and educated me on different perspectives. Others are on my TBR list. Some are non-fiction, some are stories – fictional novels that represent the struggle for justice that many experience. There are also videos and links to content that will help you help your teens. You can find them all in the Referenced in this Episode Section below

I will be very frank. If you're new to the scene, these books, videos, and other resources will make you uncomfortable. If you're like me, they may open your eyes to some hard truths about our country. They may feel political.

I would encourage you – implore you, really, to lean in anyway. To sift through and get the facts, listen to peoples' experiences, grieve with them, absorb everything you can so that you can make informed decisions about the issues we're facing.

MAKING A CHOICE

We're in a place where staying ignorant and not choosing is a choice.

I am the first to say that I am going to mess up in this. I am going to say ignorant things, I am going to make missteps and miss opportunities.

But I am OKAY with that. I would rather be real and authentic, engaged in grappling with this, aiming and falling short, than standing on the sidelines, too afraid of getting it wrong to lean in and try.

MY INVITATION

I invite you into the arena with me. It's a place where we might get knocked down, stung, brought to our knees. But if our participation can bring about even a tiny change, isn't it worth it?

TEACHING & PARENTING TEENS

When it comes to teaching or parenting your teens, have you ever caught yourself thinking – or even saying - something along the lines of, "If you'd JUST (fill in the blank: be more respectful, do what I tell you to do, follow the rules, do your homework, do your chores, etc.), I wouldn't get so (fill in the blank: angry, frustrated, disappointed, sad, etc.?)"

Yeah, me too.

Fortunately, I've gotten a lot better at stopping that thought in its tracks – because I recognize it for what it is. Which is me, trying to put what's under MY umbrella underneath my teen's.

STAYING UNDER YOUR UMBRELLA

"Under my Umbrella" is a visual that my good friend Tami Schow – who's also a licensed counselor – came up with to explain what healthy boundaries are. The only things under MY umbrella are MY thoughts, feelings, actions, behaviors, emotions, beliefs, values, etc. Anyone else's belongs firmly under THEIR umbrella. (If you want to know more about it, you can download the graphic in the Referenced in this Episode section below.)

WHO'S IN CONTROL HERE?

So, going back to my original question, you can see why that thought is flawed. Nothing my teens do controls what's underneath MY umbrella. So even when they aren't the respectful, obedient, rule-following, homework-doing, chore-finishing offspring I'd prefer, I am in control of all the things under our umbrella. You are too.

Which means our teens DO NOT CONTROL whether or not we're angry, frustrated, disappointed, or sad.

We do.

If you're like me, it might be a bit of a paradigm shift.

TEACHING & PARENTING TEENS FROM UNDER YOUR UMBRELLA

When you take responsibility for what's under your own umbrella, it means you're showing up as a grownup – not only with your teens but with everyone else too. You are managing yourself, and taking responsibility for what you believe and value, what you're thinking, feeling, and doing, how your acting. Which can be a little scary, because that means you're more vulnerable to being wrong, making mistakes, and having to make amends. It's easy to put that off on other people, because, hey, it's easier to blame someone else than to let the buck stop with you.

HERE'S WHAT IT TAKES

It requires a lot of humility to own everything under your umbrella. The flip side? Owning my own stuff helps me have a LOT more compassion for the people around me – because I know how I want to be treated when I own up to my messes, so it's much easier to extend that grace to others.

I want to show up as the grown-up with my teens, so that I can connect with them, mentor and guide them, and model what adulting looks like for them.

3 FACETS OF TEACHING & PARENTING TEENS

There are a lot of facets to doing that - showing up as that grown-up for your teens - whether in the classroom or in your homes. You've got to know yourself, know your teens, and know your stuff. Here's what I mean.

Know yourself

• Take an honest look at what makes you, you. What are your strengths? Challenges? Things that trigger you?
• When you're well-versed in all those things, you can leverage what works and mitigate what doesn't.
• For me, I know that my strengths are communication, compassion, teaching, enthusiasm, and spontaneity. My weaknesses are my pride – owning up to being wrong is often excruciating and shameful for me; perfectionism and being organized.
• I know that I'm triggered by out and out defiance – when my teens (or my students, when I taught) give me an outright "no" or refuse to comply, that pushes my buttons like nothing else. I'm also triggered by smaller things, like someone poking my arm to get my attention, or feeling crowded. That's something I figured out as a teacher when students would swarm my desk and surround me. Ugh.
• Knowing these things about myself helps me recognize where I am in the moment so that I can respond thoughtfully instead of reacting

Know your teens

• Become a student of who they are. What are their strengths, challenges, triggers?
• Here's a funny thing. I've found that with my teens, oftentimes my strengths are what triggers them. Let's take teaching, for instance. Right now, here's what I'm hearing from my 16-year-old. A LOT. "UGH! You don't have to turn this into a lesson, Mom! I'm just trying to talk to you!" I had to reflect on that, and I realized she was right. In my mind, our time together is slipping away so quickly, and I want to teach her (there it is!) everything I can before she launches into the world. But I also need to be sure to just listen to her and enjoy our moments together.
• Another way my strengths trigger both my teens? My enthusiasm. I've gotten a lot of "You are so extra, Mom. You're making too big a deal of this." Ironically, they're not just talking about negative stuff – they're talking about the good things that happen that I get excited about.
• I have a feeling – or maybe it's my wishful thinking – that these will be the things they appreciate about me later on in life. What I have to do right now, though, is walk a fine line between being me and respecting who they are and what they need from me. Curbing my enthusiasm might take effort on my part, but it also may open the door to my teens sharing more of their experiences with me. It's a balancing act.
• Figure out their currency. Video games? Phone time? Time with friends? Know what will work to get their attention. Make sure there is a connection between what you're dealing with and how you're using the currency.

Know your stuff

• Gather all the tools, strategies, methods, information you can, and create your own "manual"
• Whether you're a teacher or a parent, you don't need me to tell you that every teen is different. And not only are they all unique, but they're also all shifting and changing constantly. Which means that something you used to connect or communicate with them yesterday might not work today. That means that you not only have to know them as I talked about in the last point. You also have to be constantly on the lookout for ways to reach them.
• You have to create the manual for what works for you – the things that align with your values and beliefs – AND what works with your teens – the things that speak to them, move the needle, spark connection and growth. It's about knowing the WHAT and being flexible with the HOW.
• Some examples: weekly dates, reading books together, a tool kit of phrases – "help me understand" or open-ended questions (can't be answered yes/no/fine), strategies to get out of fight-flight-freeze, information on how teens brains develop – anything that helps you connect with, nurture, teach, mentor, guide your teens.

TYING IT ALL TOGETHER

When you can do these 3 things – know yourself, your teens, your stuff – you are showing up as the grownup your teens need. You're taking the pressure off of them to be responsible for things outside their own umbrellas, and letting them be the growing, developing, messy adolescents they are. Which is HUGE. Because that means you're letting them go through the process of figuring out who they are and who they're not. Which is what teaching and parenting teens are all about.

DON'T MISS THESE RESOURCES

If you want to know more about that process, be sure to grab my free eBook, you can find the link to that below. I'd also love to invite you to the parenting workshop I'm offering in June. You can find all the details and sign up for that below as well.