In the Middle of It with Amy Kelly, The Ish Girl

To download "10 Ways to Say No Without Feeling Guilty" go to the Episode 110 Show Notes.

This is the second part of an interview I did with two of my very favorite people, who have each had a tremendous impact on who I am – my siblings, Amanda Spell & Aaron Webb. If you caught the last episode you know that in this particular discussion, we're talking about the grownups we remember – specifically:

• The teachers who impacted us positively growing up
• How they impacted us
• The way their impact played out in our lives
• How we're still experiencing that impact now
• Why they're the grownups we remember

Last week, Amanda and I shared the teachers who most resonated with us and why; this week, we're talking about Aaron's favorites.

If you didn't catch that episode, I want to tell you a bit about my incredible siblings.

Amanda is a small business owner and runs Amanda Joy's Catering and AM Health coaching. She's been on a health journey this last year and has lost 114 pounds since January! Her newfound health has given her a new lease on life. Married to Mike for 20 years, she is Mom to two teens, Jacob and Sydney. She is the middle child (that's something she wanted me to be sure to include. 😉)

My brother is a husband, stepdad, brother, and son. He is a Senior Chief in the Navy Reserves, with 16 years of service and 5 deployments to the Middle East. He is a creative and artist who found his voice through painting. His work is currently showing in multiple galleries and private collections throughout the United States and Europe.

Interested in their work? Check out the links below.

Something I keep going back to is that all three of us felt like there was a tension inside us, between the expectations put on us of who we're supposed to be and how we're supposed to be vs. who we actually are.

It's a universal feeling for most teens, this tug of war as we discover and emerge into our true selves.

The teachers who acknowledged that true self in each of us became the ones we remembered.

Here are some other takeaways I'd like to call out, especially if you are a teacher working with teens.

1. What we say to teens and how we say it matters.
2. We can help our teens find their voices.
3. Being yourself can blaze the trail for your teens to do the same.
4. Providing context for our content is powerful.
5. Your passion can open the world for your teens.
6. Your students know when you're a beginner – so own it.
7. Students know when you really care – and when you're just checking your boxes.

FAR-REACHING IMPACT

I graduated 30 years ago, Amanda 27 years ago, Aaron almost 25 years ago. Sit a moment with the fact that we're still talking about the teachers who impacted us – across all grade levels.

They're the grownups we remember because they made an impression on us, whether because they truly saw us, or because they marched to their own drum without apology, or because they inspired us and expanded our possibilities.

WANT TO MAKE YOUR OWN IMPACT?

If you'd like to be the grownup your teens remember, I'd love for you to join my Meaningful Mentor Workshop. you can register for it by following the link below.

I'm so excited to introduce you to two significant people in my life: my siblings, Amanda Spell and Aaron Webb. For this episode and the next, you can listen in on a conversation we had about the grownups we remember. Specifically:

• The teachers who made a positive impact.
• How they impacted us.
• The way their impact played out in our lives.
• How we're still experiencing that impact now.
• Why they're the grownups we remember.

Amanda is a small business owner and runs Amanda Joy's Catering and AM Health coaching. She's on a health journey that started early this year and has lost 114 pounds since January! Her newfound health has given her a new lease on life. Amanda has been married to Mike for 20 years and is Mom to two teens, Jacob and Sydney. She is the middle child (that's something she wanted me to be sure to include. 😉) You may recognize Amanda from Episode 47 of the In the Middle of It Podcast.

My brother, Aaron Webb, is a husband, stepdad, brother, and son. He is a Senior Chief in the Navy Reserves, with 16 years of service and 5 deployments to the Middle East. He is a creative and artist who found his voice through painting. His work is currently showing in multiple galleries and private collections throughout the United States and Europe.

Interested in their work? Check out the links below.

As we talked, I found it so interesting that a theme emerged. You'll see it played out in the next episode as well – all the grownups we remember had some similar qualities and four that stood out. The teachers who made an impact are the ones who:

They didn't lump us together as "The Webb Kids." They took the time to get to know us and our gifts and talents and personalities.

Also, they cast a vision of what was possible and communicated confidence in our ability to achieve it. They gave us opportunities to lead and use our gifts.

Not only did we often see our teachers at church, but they also acted as student government sponsors, cheerleading sponsors, and coaches.

Finally, we saw that they were different than other teachers – they marched to the beat of their own drum. They modeled what it looked like to be different and still thrive.

I can't wait to share the 2nd half of our discussion next week, where we get into Aaron's inspiring teachers and how our present lives are still impacted by the grownups we remember.

Along those lines, if there is a grownup who you remember, I would love to hear from you. You can DM me on FB or IG and tell me how that teacher impacted your life. I'll be choosing several to share on the podcast in the next episode. You can find links to all my socials below.

Want to be the grownup your teens remember? Be sure to sign up to be the first to know about my Meaningful Mentor Workshop. You can sign up using the link below.

Parent communication - positive or negative - has a direct impact on student learning.

Are you struggling with your interactions with your student families? And does it really matter?

I would say YES! Problems with a difficult parent can directly affect your interactions with that student. What you must ask yourself is: is that fair? And how can you avoid the bias that can creep in with dealing with that child of a difficult parent?

The best way to bypass that unfairness is to take a proactive approach.

A proactive teaching approach involves putting relationships first and initiating parent communication (instead of waiting for them to contact you.) Because the last thing you want is to be in the position where you are just reacting to things parents are asking, or (in extreme cases) complaining about.

This goes back to last week and creating systems. Think through and communicate your classroom rules and expectations to students and parents. This takes planning and organization.

If you're new, YOU DON'T HAVE TO REINVENT THE WHEEL! Find a safe, experienced colleague who is comfortable answering your questions. Learn from them and ask them to share templates and examples of emails and letters home. (Don't be afraid to ask for help - teachers are sharers!)

Boundaries set limits...on your time, your emotions, how far you'll extend yourself, etc. Much of exhaustion/stress can be from a lack of boundaries. As a teacher, you must overcome any people-pleasing tendencies. One of the best ways? Create boundaries and stick to them.

How can you incorporate boundaries into parent communication? Instead of being reactive (and telling a parent you can't meet with them when they "want" an appointment,) let parents know your availability from the beginning.

But what happens when someone steps over your boundary? HOLD THE LINE. You can be available without being taken advantage of. Parents will respect you for it even if they may be annoyed at the time.

Also, have specific times of day when you address parent communication. Set times in your day and your week when you will address your messages and set time limits around it

Be prepared for your job. You don't have to be perfect, but you do need to demonstrate that you have made an effort. You will feel more confident when you are doing your best, and the parents will have more respect when you demonstrate that you are making an effort.

Assume the best of your students' parents. (Refer to articles below.) Often families feel misunderstood about their involvement or their lack thereof. Don't make snap judgments about why a parent is not more involved – seek to understand the situation.

As Stephen Covey said, "...with people, fast is slow and slow is fast". This is especially true with parent communication. Building relationships takes time, but it is worth it.

Starting parent communication positively with clear expectations will help you when you must have harder conversations. Not only that, but your students will also sense the partnership. They will be more motivated to learn as you and their parents' partner and support their learning.

Do positive parent-teacher relationships affect student learning and engagement?

YES!

As a new teacher, parent communication is intimidating. It can be hard to feel confident when you are learning this skill...but confidence comes with practice.

Don't give in to the limiting beliefs that say parents should be kept at arm's length or are going to criticize you.

Teens need both their parents and teachers to be their mentors.

They need to see those mentors working together.

Taking the initiative with parent communication and showing that you are professional and consistent will begin to build a strong foundation. It will also bridge the gap you may feel from being new to the job.

In the process, you as a teacher become a more confident communicator. As your stress decreases about parent communication, more opportunities open up to connect with your students.

You can do this! You aren't expected to know it all though. It's ok (and even necessary) to ask for help...

I can help you!

Be sure to join the Meaningful Mentor Workshop waitlist to be the first to get details.

I have some questions for my middle school teachers out there. Are you struggling with your students' level of engagement?

How much harder has online learning made middle school student engagement?

And then the big one: are middle schoolers truly hard to teach?

If you are struggling with your students' engagement (and let's face it, I'm 100% positive that if you're not struggling with it at this moment, you have in the past or you will in the future) I'm curious what it looks like for you.

Does it seems to have a ripple effect...first they seem "bored", then the misbehavior starts?

Or maybe it's like that scene in Ferris Bueller where the teacher is droning on and on and the kids are zoned out?

Maybe you're frustrated because the lack of engagement has affected your pacing. Now you are overwhelmed and getting further and further behind on your curriculum?

Keeping students engaged can feel like a moving target.

So, first, let me reassure you that part of it is simply their age. It's developmentally appropriate for students to be self-conscious, insecure, and avoid failure

However, engaging students is absolutely something that's under our umbrellas. It is a skill that we can learn, something we can add to our toolkits and refine as we go.

Like we talked about in the last episode, the environments we create in our classrooms can affect students, including how organized it is and even your stress level.

And those are true for their engagement level as well.

However, there is one thing that impacts engagement more than anything else:

Your connection.

And the path to connection takes patience.

Stephen Covey ("Seven Habits of Highly Effective People") said, "...with people, fast is slow and slow is fast".

In other words, you have to take your time with people. You cannot "manage" them. We talked about that a couple of episodes ago.

What does that have to do with middle schoolers and engagement? Well, you can't rush into the curriculum, especially with middle schoolers.

You must first build community and relationships.

Is that possible with middle schoolers, when you potentially have hundreds of students?

YES, IT IS.

This article about middle school in Nevada describes how administrators hang the names of all kids up during staff meetings. All the teachers go through and check off certain benchmarks, like, name/face, something personal, personal/family story, academic standing.

The principal shares that a large part of their motivation was not only to increase graduation rates, but also because "students who don't form meaningful connections at school may be at risk for behavior problems, dropping out, and even committing suicide."

Since they started, they've increased attendance rates and state test scores, graduation rates have gone up 18%, and they've had fewer disciplinary infractions. All things that point to more student engagement.

If you want to increase student engagement, you need to have patience, and you need to keep a few things in mind.

"They don't care what you know until they know that you care. When they know you care, they will become invested.

If they are invested they are more likely to learn.

I know – that's really meta, engaging them about engagement. But doing it can build relationships and engagement at the same time.

Quote "All students, to some extent, seek mastery, understanding, self-expression, and positive interpersonal relationships. But they are all different as well. Imagine what could happen if we engaged our students in a discussion of these four types of motivation. What might they tell us about themselves and their classrooms? Could we actually teach them to design their own work in ways that match their own unique potential for engagement?"

Do you have any of these limiting beliefs that will keep you from connecting with students?

"This is a job on the way to a high school assignment"

"They are difficult!"

"It is what it is" I don't have high expectations of them.

Students can tell if you are genuine

What it looks like when you are genuinely interested:

• Have conversations that aren't just about curriculum
• Call them by name
• Greet them at the door
• Remember personal details
• Have a relationship with their family (parents)
• Do things like giving them the opportunity to communicate with you so they can share things with you (ie, a dropbox - physical or digital - where they can share).

Capturing your students' attention and inspiring them to interact is an art and a journey that starts with connection.

They can tell if you truly care about them and/or your job or not. If you are genuine, show genuine concern for them (first) and their learning (second). If you do, you will find their engagement will follow.

Before anything else, build relationships. Build community. Once your students feel safe, cared for, and accepted they will be more motivated to engage in your learning space.

And you'll transcend your teaching role to become a mentor. And teens need the adults in their lives to be their mentors.

This isn't an easy or quick progress. Just because it works, doesn't mean it happens overnight! If you are looking for support to help grow your connection with students and inspire more classroom engagement, I can help you. I'm putting together a workshop, and if you want to be the first to know when it opens up, click here.

There's a reason I came up with the description of my personal brand of chaos - what I call being "Ish." My definition (One who has humorous grace with herself when messing up or flaking out. Again.) works because I mess up (and flake out) on a regular basis.

It's not because I throw my hands up in the air with an attitude of "that's just how I am." Quite the opposite – I really struggle to not beat myself up on the many occasions when I mess up.

Whether I've lost my phone or keys for the thousandth time, set the kitchen on fire because I forgot I was boiling a chicken (true story!) or made a banner for my daughter that wished her a happy "birtday" instead of birthday, calling myself an Ish girl has been my attempt to not anguish over my mistakes. To take myself less seriously and to be able to laugh at myself.

Obviously, there are times that are easier to do that than others – the harder times are when my actions have affected someone else, like my husband or my kids.

I've embraced my Ish-ness, but I also have learned that there are ways to prevent some of the chaos and protect myself and my loved ones from the consequences of that chaos.

Especially in my classroom.

During my first year of teaching, I struggled with a lot of chaos. It was more than a little overwhelming, and in the midst of it, it was hard to pinpoint exactly what was causing all it.

Was it classroom management? Planning lessons? Getting up to speed on the standards and benchmarks of the curriculum? Dealing with the surprising amount of clerical/administrative-type things I was responsible for?

That chaos is what we're going to talk about today because it relates directly to one of the things I shared with you in the last episode of In the Middle of It: the top three causes of teacher stress. We defined them as classroom behavior, performance assessment, and time management.

Time management is such a broad term, and we're going to start to break that topic down a bit today. If you, too, are struggling with chaos in your classroom and you don't know what thread to start unraveling first, this episode is for you.

I'm focusing on managing our time because it's the one resource that can't be replenished. And if you're like me, it may perpetually seem like you don't have enough of it.

So, how can we manage our time so that we can control the chaos in our classrooms?

The answer is simple, but certainly not easy.

By implementing systems and procedures, consistently.

There is a disconnect between what education students are learning in their universities and initial job placements and the expectations that administrators have for them in those first few years of teaching. There is a "business piece" to teaching. This, unfortunately, is not taught.

New teachers might be experiencing thoughts like: "How will I figure all of this out on my own?" or "They expect me to know this...I need to act like I know what I'm doing."

Those thoughts are valid; administrators' expectations can be potentially unrealistic, especially if they have a "figure it out" mentality. That lack of help from administration can cause a lack of transparency among new teachers, and result in new teachers feeling like they are "lacking" in skills when really, they just haven't acquired the skills yet.

Organizational skills and systems CAN be learned. This is evident in how teachers organize and streamline their workflow as they gain experience.

Not knowing these skills creates stress (and that can profoundly affect their students, as we talked about in the last episode of In the Middle of It.) Deciding to learn these skills requires a growth mindset.

However, you can't grow these skills if you have any of these limiting beliefs:

I should already know how to do this

I'm too busy, I don't have time to get organized

As long as the students are learning my systems don't matter.

What are systems? Thought through procedures for how you do things.

Our knee-jerk impulse as teachers is to focus on curriculum/plans first. It's what we know, and with standards-based learning, it's what is drilled into us. However.

Why? Because organization, clear expectations, schedules, and boundaries create predictability and safety for students. This makes it easier for them to focus on learning.

If students feel your chaos, they have difficulty focusing and learning

Now, you might be thinking (as I once did) that as long as the students are learning, organization doesn't matter. But I would argue that if there's no organization, it's going to be very difficult to answer questions like:

How are you sure they are learning?

Are they learning to their potential?

Can that be improved through your organization?

I'm going to flip this on you. Has someone else's lack of organizations and systems ever impacted your performance or well-being?

I know as teachers, as professionals, you've gone through a tremendous amount of training, be it as a university student or through professional development once you're in the classroom.

When you've gone to those classes and trainings, think about the environments you were in. How did you respond when the presenter/professor was disorganized? Maybe they were setting up their technology at the last minute and running into problems that delayed the start. Maybe they couldn't find the notes they wanted to use in the stack on the podium.

I can vividly remember a seminar I went to where the woman was trying to use props that she *thought* she'd brought with her. She was distracted and flustered and launched into an explanation that she'd just returned from a week-long cruise and hadn't really looked at her notes since before she left.

You can imagine how that made us feel. And if you can't, well, let's just say that was where she lost me. From that point, I was cynical and suspicious of everything she shared, because clearly, she didn't value me (or the rest of the audience) enough to respect our time by being prepared.

When I flipped that line of thinking to myself, and to my own students, I must admit that it stung. Because just like me, my students will come to the conclusion that I don't value them if I'm chaotic. They won't be motivated to do their best if they sense we aren't giving attention to all the facets of their experience of us in the classroom.

We may be working hard – really hard – but what you'll be communicating is that you don't value them if you allow chaos to reign in your classroom.

And none of that even touches on the fact that chaos inspires mistrust and uneasiness.

Now, the caveat here is that of course, we all have bad days when we're disorganized and unprepared. The question to ask yourself is: what is characteristic of me?

On the flip side of this, when you implement systems and procedures, the opposite is true. When your systems and procedures are effective, you build trust with your students. And when you build trust, you can build relationships and foster connection.

So, before you do anything else, build those relationships. Build community.

And the best way to do that is to foster routine and predictability for your students. To teach them your systems and invite them into your procedures so they know what to expect and can relax the part of their brains that is constantly on the alert of whatever is coming next.

When they know what's coming next, the brain energy that would be alert and focused on the anxiety of trying to predict what's coming next can be spent on learning instead.

The structure you provide gives them the freedom to lean into relationships with you and with each other and positions them to learn much more effectively. And in a paradoxical way, that structure gives them the freedom to be creative as well. One of my favorite concepts around this is from Madeleine L'Engle. She talked about the freedom in structure using the analogy of a haiku. This form of poetry is very structured – it's made up of three lines with seventeen syllables, written in a 5/7/5 syllable count. But although the structure is very defined, you can create whatever you want within it.

The same is true in our classrooms.

By providing that structure and those systems, we're modeling organizational skills for our teens. Because we expect them to be organized, and for them to value those skills, too. They're much more likely to adopt that philosophy when we set the example for them. When we mentor them on how to be organized.

Because teens need us - the adults in their lives - to be their mentors.

If that's something you'd like help with, I'd love for you to join me for my upcoming Meaningful Mentor Workshop. If you're interested, be sure to join the waitlist!

I don't know about you guys, but this has been a week full of stress. If I never saw another political add again, I wouldn't cry, know what I'm sayin'? Between staying up too late on election night, and now waiting on pins and needles to see what's going to happen next, I feel like I've had a constant adrenaline buzz.

That's what I'm talking about today. Stress. Because this has been the year of 1,000 papercuts. Not only are we navigating the normal stress that comes with life: our families, our jobs, our responsibilities; we're also dealing with COVID and social justice issues and a presidential election.

So, I wanted to take a minute to talk specifically to teachers. Because you have been impacted by all of the above in ways that those of us not in the classroom have not. And I'm curious – first I was going to ask "are you stressed?" but that's a ridiculous question. Of course, you are! So instead, I'll ask this: what are the stresses you're facing in your classroom right now?

It's no secret that teacher stress is at an epidemic level. And research shows that most teachers place student behaviors, performance assessment, and time management at the top of the list when it comes to stressors.

The one I want to tackle today is student behavior.

If you've found yourself wishing your students would behave so you can do your job, this episode is for you.

"Stressors" are things that "cause" stress. Can also be referred to as "stimuli"

So, negative behaviors can be a "stimulus" that causes stress.

Viktor Frankl is quoted as saying "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."

While you may not feel like you have a choice when pushed by a stimulus, you do.

Stress can have a tremendous impact on your body. I know this first-hand – I've shared about my very serious heart attack scare with you before – if you want to hear about it, you can check out Episode 98.

Educational experts believe that your stress can even impact your students' performance. Think about it - it can become a vicious cycle – you're stressed by negative student behavior, which affects your engagement level, which affects students' engagement level, which can lead to negative student behavior, and you're right back at the beginning.

That's part of the reason I had my good friend Kellye share her Zoom Busters with us in episodes 96, 97, 98, & 99 – to give us some actionable strategies to lower stress in our classrooms. You can find links to all these episodes in the Referenced in this Episode section below.

Some of the research I read described teacher work stress as "negative emotional experience being triggered by the teacher's perception that their work situation constituted a threat to their self-esteem or well-being. In this understanding, a student's problem behavior represents a stimulus from the environment that is not stressful per-se for teachers. However, it becomes a stressor if teachers perceive it as causing a discrepancy between a demand and their ability to cope with this demand."

In other words, the studentS' behavior isn't the stress. The stress comes from your wondering about your ability to cope with or "manage" it. And no one wants to be "managed." There's a bit of inherent condescension in that.

We must remember our teens aren't meant to be "managed". As true mentors, we "lead" them. As Rear Admiral Grace Murray Hopper pointed out, "You manage things, you lead people."

Teens need adults in their lives to be their mentors. Part of that is owning our responses. You might just find that changing your behavior, changes theirs too.

Need help?

I'm putting together a workshop to help you transform from teaching to becoming a meaningful mentor to your students. Interested? You can join the waitlist here.

THE CONNECTION CHALLENGE

Right now, I know from the friends I have who are spread across the globe, that school looks different for everyone. But one thing that's the same for every teacher out there is the issue of connection.

Whether you're in person or virtual, it's always a challenge to hit your groove and really form a connection with the students you're working with. The kind that puts tears in your eyes on the last day of school, because you're sorry to see this particular group of kids move on.

The problem is that the teachers who know how to connect well often aren't able to communicate how they're doing it well.

It might be because they've got lots of experience doing it as a veteran teacher.

Maybe they're gifted at communication and can figure it out as they go.

But if you are struggling with figuring out how to connect with your students, please know: you are not alone! And it is a very learnable skill.

And that's what I'm sharing today – the 5 best ways to create connection with your middle school students.

Share your struggles and mistakes.

Tell them exactly what you want - share your "why," your reason for being in the classroom

Get SUPER comfortable with saying "I don't know." And be sure to follow up with "Let's figure it out together," or "Why don't you research it tonight and share what you find with us tomorrow," or "Let me ask around and I'll get back to you." Then follow up!

Recognize when to say "I'm sorry," and practice doing it graciously. That is modeling at its best and shows kids it's okay to make mistakes, which builds trust, which – you guessed it – creates connection.

This means being vulnerable about what makes you, you.

Share your funny quirks

Tell (appropriate) jokes that make you laugh,

Rock your style, and share your stories.

MOST OF ALL: share your problems and frustrations. Do talk-alouds as you work through solving problems and making decisions.

Sometimes it's more important to take time to relate and share than it is to get through your content – learn to recognize those moments

Develop the discernment to know when to take them immediately, or to delay and hold out a time of connection as a carrot, or when to hold off completely.

They'll make fun of you

Know what's appropriate and what's not

You're making a difference – connecting with them models what it looks like to show up courageously, wholly yourself

Your beginning attempts are going to be messy and awkward and probably a little frustrating. Things might turn out flat, or you may even crash and burn.

But just keep going! The more you practice connection, the better you're going to get.

THE IN THE MIDDLE OF IT TEAM "WHY"

Every so often, I like to circle back to why I created this podcast and everything that Team In the Middle of It is all about. Keeping focused squarely on the WHY of In the Middle of It guides everything we talk about and create around here.

If you've been around a while, you might know what I'm about to say. If you're new here, welcome to the party. And I want you to know what I'm all about on In the Middle of It.

My goal, in practical terms, is to equip teachers and parents with the ideas, strategies, and resources to connect with their teens.

GOING DEEPER

But deeper than that, I want teachers and parents to connect with their teens because teens need meaningful mentors in their lives. People who love them and influence them and want to help them become the best versions of themselves.

Part of that dream includes something I've touched on before, and today I want to go more in-depth with it.

I believe that teens thrive and step into all their potential when they have meaningful connections with parents and teachers who are working as a team.

WHO IS YOUR TEAM PLAYING AGAINST?

I feel that all too often, the fact that we are all on the same team gets lost.

Our teens face so many obstacles and challenges on their way to becoming adults. You know the obstacles I'm talking about. Figuring out who they are and who they're not. Navigating the expectations placed on them, learning all the things they have to learn, trying to figure out the direction they want to go in life. Dealing with their changing bodies, minds, ideas, beliefs. Accepting that the adults in their lives are humans too.

But instead of viewing the opposing team as those obstacles our teens face, it's all too easy to fall into the trap of looking at each other as the opposing team.

WHERE IS YOUR FOCUS?

It can feel like there's a line or even a wall between these 2 groups.

I get that there are lots of reasons for that. We live in a litigious society and everyone has to cover their bases. There are educators who are weary and frustrated because of parents who don't show up and advocate for their teens – and fearful and resentful at the ones who DO show up and don't give teachers the benefit of the doubt.

There are parents who have taken their teens' word for it that the teacher is out to get them. And parents who are frustrated with some teachers' lack of understanding and compassion for the circumstances their teens are experiencing.

I'm sure you can all add your own items to that list, but that's focusing on the problem, not creating a solution.

It's insanity, and it's NOT. SERVING. OUR. TEENS.

ARE WE ON THE SAME TEAM?

I envision a future where teachers and parents are a solid team, working together. A tight-knit community whose goal is to win by empowering, supporting, and loving our teens. These team members are characterized by 5 things:

We know they're playing on the same team.

Cheer for each other – a win for one is a win for all

Rally around our mascot (aka: our teens!)

We give each other the benefit of the doubt.

That means when in doubt, we assume the best about each other

We ask good questions before we make any judgments or decisions

We communicate regularly, with vulnerability and compassion.

Being on the same team gives us a safe space to talk about the real stuff

Being on the same team gives us confidence that our voices will be heard

We're playing from the same playbook.

The team knows the goal and has mapped out a way to get there – together

There are "rules" in place that everyone understands

We keep the main thing the main thing – showing up well for our teens.

The focus is always on working together to win

There's no "I" in team – we check our egos at the door

Each of us takes personal responsibility

Even if my teammate isn't showing up, I still put my heart and soul into winning the game

Doing my best doesn't involve pointing fingers at teammates I believe are slacking off or not qualified to be on the team

PLAYING AS A TEAM

In THAT world, it's much more difficult for teens to fall through the cracks. In that world, teachers and parents are showing up as the grownups. Setting aside ego and staying firmly focused on what served their teens.

I can see this happening to some degree during the pandemic. It's forced parents to get more involved in their teens' education and made teachers become more aware of their students' circumstances at home.

Students and parents and teachers are literally inviting each other into their homes. Even virtually, that's a pretty big deal.

Whether you are a parent or a teacher, it's our job to come together as a team so that our teens thrive. So that they are empowered to step into all their potential.

PLAYING SOLO OR JOINING THE TEAM

My question for you today is this:

Are you trying to go it alone or are you working to be part of your teen's team? Are you playing in the wrong game, one that pits you against those who are also working to support your teen? Or are you working together to empower your teens and focus on their potential? Equipping them for all they need to overcome in order to become the person they're meant to be.

Which will it be: playing solo or joining the team?

You get to decide.

Lately, I've thought a lot about what I'm trying to teach my own teens. About life, about decision-making, about relationships, about how to show up as a human being. And the word that keeps coming up is: MESSY.

When I taught middle school, my subject area was 8th-grade social studies, and in my district, that meant Civics. And I LOVED it.

We lived in the DC area at the time, and it couldn't have been more serendipitous. As a newlywed with no kids of my own yet, I was able to do "no-frills" field trips with my kids, where they'd meet me and my husband at the nearest metro stop (with a parent) and head downtown to check out one of the different museums.

It was magical.

It was also all of the other things teaching is – challenging, soul-wrenching, difficult, exhilarating, heartbreaking, and joyful all wrapped up within the hours of 1 day.

I am bringing this up because I spent a LOT of time talking about the government over the course of 5 years. In a place that was literally the seat of our country's federal government.

And I walked a very careful path so that my students were never able to guess what my personal preferences were when it came time to vote.

I've continued to follow politics as best as I can as I've raised my babies – the oldest of whom will be able to vote for the first time in this election.

And just know, before you decide to tune out, that this is ABSOLUTELY about politics.

This is all just part of that musing I've been doing, as I think about what I want to instill in my kiddos. And as I look at the world we're immersed in, I confess that I'm dismayed by what I see. Mostly because I feel like so much of it is the opposite of those things I'm trying to teach them. That life, decision-making, relationships, and being human? They're all so MESSY.

There are very rarely clear-cut instances of black and white; most of the time, life comes at you in various shades of gray.

There is a duality that's in all of us that is not represented in what we see in the news or the political arena.

Duality is uncomfortable, frustrating, and crazy-making.

Ironically, I think it's the space our teens are living in as they sort out who they are and who they aren't and who they want to become.

They're right in the middle of the stream, bouncing back and forth between wanting to remain and kid and trying to emerge as an adult, and it's painful. (Sometimes for everyone involved!)

But this duality we experience is the human condition. And it's the part of us that's the catalyst for change.

Some fancy-pants people might call it a paradox, this duality I'm talking about. Some talk about it as wanting to have your cake and eat it too. Regardless of how we name it, it's still having multiple fears or desires or beliefs that conflict with each other.

And it all boils down to having to make a choice. Or does it?

There's a duality there too because sometimes you must make a choice – and sometimes you don't.

Sometimes, it's okay for things to be BOTH . . . AND instead of EITHER . . . OR.

A friend pointed that out to me recently, as I talking about wanting my teens to be independent BUT wanting them to live within my boundaries (Let's be real here: what I really meant was listen to and follow my good advice).

I worry that my teens are not going to move into independence BUT I also want to keep them safe from the harsh consequences of bad decisions.

She pointed out that by changing that one little word – "but" – to "and" I'd be having a whole lot of grace with myself. So, I did. I worry that my teens are not moving into independence AND I want to keep them safe from the harsh consequences of bad decisions.

That's duality. Wanting my teens to fly free AND listen to this momma bird.

That is not what's being represented in our world right now. This ability to sit with contradictions, with uncertainty, with compassion for all the MESSY.

One of the things I'm committed to? Digging into that messy with my teens. Asking questions and going deep to discover what, exactly, our dualities are. Then embracing all of it.

And showing them that messy is okay – more than okay. Because none of us is only one thing. Everyone being one thing would certainly be easier, but then we'd all be robots. And we wouldn't have the beauty that deeply flawed, conflicted people bring into the world. The ones that Emma Stone sang about in La La Land:

Here's to the ones who dream,

Foolish as they may seem,

Here's to the hearts that ache,

Here's to the mess we make.

Right now, our teens are those dreamers. And the messaging they often get is that their duality, their messiness is not okay. And that can make for some fierce anxiety – this pressure to choose, to hurry up and decide who you're going to be, to get it right the first time, to decide your whole future, right here, right now, today.

If you're listening to this, whenever it may be, I would love for you to stop what you're doing and sit with this for a minute. Think about your own duality. Your own contradictions. And embrace them. Adopt AND as your new favorite word. And share with your teens. They need to know that their duality is okay. To be celebrated. Congratulations, you're part of the human race.