In the Middle of It with Amy Kelly, The Ish Girl

Welcome to Episode 50 of The Podcast!!

I've reflected a lot about why I started the podcast in the first place – and how I want it to impact you, and your teens. I know all the reasons I began, and why I keep showing up, but I don't always lay it out there and share with you guys.

And sometimes talking about it just feels weird, because

1. It feels a little self-promotional and icky and
2. I just don't think about it. It's easy to get into a rut where you assume everyone feels the same way you do, or knows what you know, or believes what you believe.

My Bestie to the Rescue

This week, I thought it would be fun to invite my best friend on the podcast, to interview me about why I started it.

Claudine Phillips has been my dear friend and soul sister for 12 years. We met at a Bible Study and quickly developed a friendship. She and her husband moved away from Dallas 7 years ago, and we've been very intentional about staying in touch – usually daily! (Just a side note - we use this really great video texting app called Marco Polo.)

Our friendship has survived numerous trips together, lots of truth-telling, a pregnancy (hers, not mine! 😉), tons of laughter, a few tears, some hard-core venting, and immeasurable love and encouragement.

Claudine recently started her own podcast, The Claudine Phillips Show, that focuses on Wholistic Wellness. She's a registered dietician, a yoga instructor, and an amazing human being. I'm proud to call her my friend.

Our Conversation About Parenting Teens

• Mentors who are a few steps ahead of you in parenting are SO important.
• Teens develop at different rates.
• The main message of the podcast is that it is worth it to try to connect with your teen.
• If every teen was known and understood by an invested, connected adult (a parent or teacher), it would change the world.
• There's a pervasive negativity toward teens in our culture, but they are capable and worthy of connection.
• Even when they're at their worst, we still love our teens and want to connect.
• It takes a toolbox of many different strategies to try to connect with teens, and it's a constant exercise of trying to find things that work.
• Young adult books are great tools to add to your toolbox and can help you show up for your teens.
• Cultivating trust is SUPER important – pretty much every decision either builds trust or breaks it.
• Teens are amazing human beings!

PARENTING TEENS - MY 3 BIGGEST TAKEAWAYS:

• It is POSSIBLE to have a great connection and relationship with your teen – and still hit rough patches.
• It's not going to be PERFECT – it's all about how you come back together when you hit those rough patches.
• It's not PERSONAL! Even though it can feel like a personal attack, what's happening is developmentally appropriate for your teen. They are going through the process of separating from you.

Thank YOU!

Again, thank you so much to Claudine for rocking that interview. And just so you know, our conversation was waaay longer than 25 minutes, so you'll be hearing all the other things we talked about on an upcoming episode.

I want to thank you guys as well – you are the reason I'm so passionate about this podcast. It's not an easy thing to parent teens, and I want you to feel understood, supported, and encouraged whenever you tune in.

Now, let's talk about . . . .

The upcoming CNP Summer Book Club!

I'll be doing a FB Live next week to reveal the first book, so stay tuned to find out what we'll be reading and where to sign up. Like last year, I'll be providing discussion questions, and doing FB Lives to talk about the book together. I can't wait, and I hope you're excited too.

If you're one of my email subscribers, I'll be sending out an alert before I go live, so be on the lookout for that. If you're not one of my subscribers, sign up! I don't want you to miss out on a single thing, and I share things in my emails that you won't find anywhere else.

So, until next time, just remember, it's all about connection, not perfection.

Referenced in this Episode:

Claudine Phillips

The Claudine Phillips Show

Ebook: How to Be the Grownup They Need

Marco Polo App

The Ish Girl on Facebook

The Ish Girl on Instagram

For exclusive content, Sign Up for The Ish Girl's Weekly Email!

Today, I'm featuring Ally Carter, author of the Gallagher Girls series, the Heist Society series, and many more. Her books feature kick-butt heroines and fast-paced action, with a lot of mystery thrown in for good measure.

I've had the privilege of seeing Ms. Carter speak at a couple of teen book festivals. I'm happy to report that she lives up to the wit, humor, and intelligence that is found in her books. (Sometimes that doesn't always happen when you meet your heroes, am I right?)

I LOVED hearing her talk about her goal to write mentoring characters for her heroines, guides who had gravitas and gumption. And I loved reading those characters even more – like Eleanor Chancellor, in her Embassy Row series and Cammie's Mom, Rachel Morgan, in the Gallagher Girls series.

Ally Carter's work empowers readers, as she walks us through the issues that characterize most of her work:

• Dealing with the loss of a parent
• Trusting yourself
• Trusting the people around you
• Relationships with parents
• Friendships
• Girl Power

Her twisty endings, her brilliant weaving of history into her plots, and her clever, nail-biting cliffhangers are all reasons why I love her fantastic body of work.

Which is what I want to dive into now. The first Ally Carter book I ever read was "I Could Tell You I Love You, But Then I'd Have to Kill You." How's that for a title?!

It's the first in her Gallagher Girls series, and as soon as I finished it, I wanted to read everything she ever wrote.

This is a series that is appropriate for middle-grade readers on up, and it's all about a girl's school that looks like a snotty prep academy on the outside, but inside, it's actually a spy school for girls. The Gallagher Academy for Exceptional Young Women is equipped with an underground training facility, former government agents for instructors, and classes like Hacking the CIA 101. The staff and the girls keep their secret at all costs – and the way that plays out is super fun! Think alarms that trigger bookcase flipping, automated accessory swapping (paintings flipping over on the wall by themselves,) and drills to make sure it all runs like a well-oiled machine.

Now, that description alone may sound formulaic, but Carter elevates it with her relatable characters and their baggage – specifically, Cammie Morgan, whose father (a secret agent himself) has died under mysterious circumstances. And did I mention her mother is the headmistress? Yeah. Throw in her tumultuous love life (or lack thereof), a terrorist organization determined to kidnap her, and teachers who may or may not be double agents, and you have the recipe for a complex, tug-at-your-heartstrings series.

The books in the Gallagher Girls series are:

I'd Tell You I Love You, But Then I'd Have to Kill You

Cross My Heart and Hope to Spy

Don't Judge a Girl by Her Cover

Only the Good Spy Young

Out of Sight, Out of Time

United We Spy

You can find them (and all the others I'll be talking about) in the show notes.

The next Ally Carter series I devoured was The Heist Society books. And let me throw in here – I really hate to start a series when the books haven't ALL been released! But with Ally Carter, I wait on pins and needles until her newest drops. That includes this series – and I still have hopes that she'll put out a 4th book.)

So, Heist Society. This is a series probably best for older teens because there is some sexual tension – nothing overt, but it's there, and also, there are some complex historical factors woven in that touch on things like the Holocaust.

These books feature Katarina "Kat" Bishop, who is part of a long line of art thieves. Carter paints the picture of a "royal" family of con artists that's been around for centuries. Kat is part the newest generation, and from an early age, she's been taught all the ins and outs of running scams and, well, heists, by the best in the business.

With a crew that consists of her beautiful, sophisticated cousin (Gabrielle) , a set of brothers (Angus and Hamish Bagshaw) who are a cross between the Weasly twins and the two brothers in Ocean's 11, a tech whiz (Simon), and an ever-mysterious boy billionaire (Hale – specifically, W.W. Hale the Fifth. Hale is her friend of several years, there's definite tension between them – as in the attraction kind of tension.)

Kat and her team travel the world to pull off their heists, and she's often reluctant participant. But she's also one of the best, and extenuating circumstances keep pulling her back into the family business.

There are mysteries within mysteries – like, is Nick (the charming teen who tried to pick Kat's pocket) a good guy or a bad guy? And what is the WW part of Hale's name? And who is Vasily Romani?

While this may sound like the teen version of the Ocean's movies, or The Italian Job, what makes it really come alive are the very flawed characters (much like in the Gallagher Girls.) They may look like cookie cutouts on the surface, but their complexities and weaknesses are what makes these stories great.

The books in the Heist Society Series are:

Heist Society

Uncommon Criminals

Perfect Scoundrels

The Grift of the Magi (This is a short novella.)

Okay, I also have to mention another novella that Carter wrote that's a crossover between the Gallagher world and the Heist Society world, Double Crossed: A Spies and Thieves Story. If I didn't already love Ally Carter, this book would definitely seal the deal!

Okay, I'm just going to touch briefly on the next series, the Embassy Row books. I have to be brutally honest here and say I'm not as excited about them as I was her first two series. I think it's because I found the main character, Grace Blakely, so unlikeable. Which is harsh, I admit, but as a reader, I have a hard time connecting with victim-y characters. Which Grace definitely seems like, as she tries to navigate the aftereffects of her mother's murder, and the amnesia she's had since the night it happened. Grace is one of Carter's most deeply flawed characters, and it was difficult for me to read – sort of like watching a train wreck – you don't really want to see, but you can't look away.

Moving on, as Grace faces the challenges of trying to get her family to believe she's not crazy, make a place for herself in her Grandfather's world (he's the American Ambassador to fictional Adria,) and remember the details of that awful night her Mom died, she slowly starts to trust the group of kids who surround her. Kids from all over the world, who like her, live on Embassy Row in Adria. They're a motley crew, and of course, there's a love interest there. One that is layered and complicated, in true Carter fashion.

One of the best parts of the Embassy Row series is Grace's Grandfather's Chief of Staff, Eleanor Chancellor – I mentioned her before, as one of the mentoring women that Ally Carter talked about during a teen book festival I attended. It's unclear if Ms. Chancellor is a hero or villain, but regardless, she has the gravitas to help Grace get back on her feet.

As Grace gets closer to solving the mystery of who killed her mother, another secret starts to unravel – one that not only impacts Grace but the country of Adria and the whole world.

And while it's not my favorite, The Embassy Row does have Carter's trademarks: high suspense and twisty plotlines.

Here are the books in the Embassy Row series:

All Fall Down

See How They Run

Take the Key and Lock Her Up

Ally Carter has several other stand-alone novels, but I'm going to stop here today. Except for adding that one of her most recent books, Not if I Save You First, is also awesome.

These books really encompass her complex, girl-powered, fast-paced style. And, they're really great for jumping into conversations with your teen with questions like:

• What does it mean to be able to trust someone?
• When is it okay to keep secrets from the people you're closest to?
• When you're facing a crisis, when should you go to an adult for help?
• How do you know who your "true" friends are?
• What can you do if you've made a big mistake – one that's caused a lot of damage not only to yourself but to others?
• How do you know when to fight for justice?
• What does it mean to be a strong woman?
• What's the best way to learn how to trust yourself?

Okay, I can't wait to hear how you and your teen enjoy Ally Carter's books! Please be sure to DM me or reply to my email this week.

Referenced in this Episode

The Ish Girl on Facebook

The Ish Girl on Instagram

For exclusive content, Sign Up for The Ish Girl's Weekly Email!

FREE EBOOK: Be the Grownup They Need

I there's one thing I know about parenting them, it's that it's not just a thankless job – it's one where I'm being critiqued. Often, and harshly.

I want to give you a super huge reminder that you are doing a great job with your kids. You totally don't suck at it – no matter what they're telling you.

And while that might sound funny and very tongue in cheek (cause it kinda is) I know that there's a voice inside you that's probably wondering – "really? are you sure?"

And my answer is YES, YES, YES!

I know about that part of you because I have it too. (I actually talk about it in episode 9 & episode 10, if you want to hear more about it.) The more isolated I am, and the busier I am, the louder that voice gets in my head. And when I have conflict or friction with my teens – regardless of where it's coming from or why – that voice seems to scream loudest of all.

I've found that the best way to combat that voice is to be intentional. With my thoughts, and with my actions.

Given that this is something that's ongoing for me, I thought I'd share how I handle those moments when I hide out in my room, wondering if, in fact, I'm ruining my teens' lives.

First, remind yourself of what's developmentally appropriate in teens. Seriously, having this information, about why your teens are acting like they do can be invaluable. If you're not sure what I'm talking about, check out episode 35 & episode 36, or download my free ebook at theishgirl.com/ebook. I do a deep dive into it with my friend Tami Schow. The big idea though is that knowing they are separating from you and becoming their own selves in the only way they know how (until you teach and model otherwise) is super helpful and gives you that extra push of patience when you need it. This is especially true for me when I've made a big-time mistake. They don't have the brain development or emotional capacity to always know when – or how – to have grace. Especially when it's the parent they expect to be perfect who's disappointed them.

Second, take some time to be intentional with your self-care. (You can check out episode 27 if you want some ideas and direction.) I know myself well enough to realize I need regular time alone to process – for me, it's usually journaling, taking a nap, or (of course!) reading a good book. It's super important to figure out what that looks like for you – and understanding that it will help you be a better parent if you practice it. I must admit, sometimes my self-care is escaping my teens for a little while, so I can regroup and clear my thoughts.

Assessing how you've been in your interactions with your teens is another way to wrench yourself from feeling like you suck at parenting them. Ask myself questions like; have I been actively listening to them? Have I checked in to see what's going on in their friendships? Their academics? Am I affirming and validating their concerns?

Also, making sure you've spent quality one on one time with them – for me, this is a lot harder now that my teens in high school rather than middle school – it's not as easy to have "dates" with them as it used to be, but we try to connect a couple of times a month to stay plugged in.

Another action to take is leaning into your village. (For more on villages, check out episode 28) Those people who know you AND your teens and love you all. For me, that looks like reaching out to a good friend (again - one I know loves my teens regardless of how they act right now) and run the current situation by them. I can't tell you how many times I've been encouraged and affirmed, but also – because we are committed to being honest and encouraging the best version of each other – calling me out for being unreasonable or unfair. Not sucking, mind you – just misstepping. Just a side note here – make sure some of the people in your village are a few steps further along in the parenting game. Really be intentional in cultivating your relationships with fellow parents in the trenches – and be that person for someone else too. Especially the ones a few steps behind you.

Reconciling if you've been in the wrong – apologizing and making amends OR explaining why you made the choice you did. To me, this "Bonus #6" is probably the most important of all. It's having the humility to admit you were wrong/made a mistake and it's modeling how to do that for your teen, OR it's explaining what you want for your teen and why you're good with what you did to get them there. And then modeling for them what it looks like to agree to disagree or to change their position with grace and dignity.

So, that's the process.

1. Remind yourself what's developmentally appropriate in your teens.
2. Practice some good self-care.
3. Assess how you've been interacting with them.
4. Spend some quality one-on-one time with them.
5. Reach out to your village.
6. Reconcile by apologizing or explaining your actions/choices.

Please know that you do not suck at parenting your teen! How do I know? Because the people who DO aren't actually wondering if they do. The fact that you're asking yourself that question means that it's an automatic no.

I want to go back to the beginning for a second and focus on the fact that sometimes our teens are our harshest critics. If that's something you're struggling with, I have a great freebie that will walk you through a conversation you can have with your teen. It's a quick flow chart that will help you out with what to say and how to say it. You can grab it here.

I really can't express how much I want to encourage you on this journey with your teen. It can be tough in the trenches, especially when you're feeling isolated or lonely. Know that you are a better parent that you think you are, and you are doing amazing things in the lives of your teens.

I'd love for you to reach out and share how YOU know you don't suck as a parent of teens. You can find me on Facebook or Instagram, or you're welcome to leave a comment below. But the BEST way to contact me is to join my weekly email list and replying to one of my emails. I respond to those personally, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE hearing from you.

Download "When Your Teen is Your Harshest Critic: A Conversation Guide"

Download "How to Be the Grownup They Need"

Recently, I went on an unusual girls' trip. It was four-day journey from Texas to Missouri, and what made it different were the people I was with. My 89-year-old Granny, my 71-year-old Mom, my 44-year-old sister and I make the trek to visit my 60-year-old aunt in Kansas City.

Now, if you know me at all, you know that reading is one of my passions – it's literally the thing I'd choose to do all day, every day, if I could. Who needs to eat or sleep, right? I came by my love of reading honestly – I come from a family of readers. It's something that my Mom cultivated in my siblings (Amanda & Aaron) and me.

It's something that's part of my extended family too, and on our girls' trip I was able to sit down to talk about how it's a big part of our family identity. The five of us sat around a table, all 3 generations of us, and discussed reading – how our love for it started, the books we remember from our childhoods, and why reading is still important to us.

As our conversation wove back and forth, we touched on things like:

the teachers who impacted our reading

my crazy obsession with reading as a kid

the way my Granny has trouble memorizing Scriptures

our favorites among the books we've shared and recommended to each other.

Our talk came at the end of a girls' trip that was full of reminiscing, good food, and lots of laughter. Our time together was a gift, and I'm so glad we were able to make it happen.

Feeling a part of this bigger whole was powerful. Connecting across the generations through books made me feel like a small part of something bigger – and that was powerful.

I'd love for you and your teen to have that too.

So, I'm curious – what kind of reading heritage do you have? How do you show your teens how to connect with the generations ahead of and behind them? I encourage you to talk to your teens about what reading looked like for you as a kid. Share which teacher influenced your reading the most, and what your all-time favorite book was. Maybe your family doesn't have a shared history of reading together, but you want to change that legacy – tell your teens about that too.

As always, I would love love love to hear about those conversations! You can find me on Facebook or Instagram, or leave a comment below.

Referenced in this Episode

Mitford Series by Jan Karon

Miss Julia Series by Ann B. Ross

Debbie Macomber Books

Bible App

Kansas City Library

Erin Condren Notebook

I'm back after a week of traveling with my two teens over their spring break, as we toured colleges and visited family and old friends.

As we made our way across the Midwest, we heard bits and pieces of the scandal that was breaking – ironically – over parents bribing their kids into prestigious universities. I had plenty of time to think about the whole thing - driving 2,000 miles in a week does that for you.

As I pondered over the choices the indicted parents made, I began to connect some dots. Stay with me here, because I think there's a bigger picture that we need to see – especially as the parents and teachers of teens.

Crazy-pants Parenting

Not long ago, I talked about the national trauma we experienced on 9/11. For that episode (#42), I reviewed a great young adult book that was set during the time period immediately following the tragedy.

I'm bringing it up because although it's been almost 18 years, the fall out is still reverberating throughout our society.

If you have teens today, they were born either slightly before or slightly after 9/11. They've never really known a world without stringent airport security measures, talks of the middle east on the evening news, or all-too-frequent stories of terrorist attacks around the world.

And we, as their parents, have been raising them in a world that is significantly different than the one we were raised in.

It seems there's a threat around every corner – from international terrorists and online stalkers to social media bullies and classmates with guns.

I don't know about you, but sometimes, in the dark of a sleepless night, it's enough to make me question why we chose to add more humans to the chaos. Especially humans who are, as the saying goes, my heart outside my body.

And then day breaks, and it's off to the races of our daily routine.

It would be ridiculous to suggest that the events over the past 2 decades have not affected our parenting. The question is, are we aware of the extent it's played a part in our decisions? And what are we doing to counteract it?

Because, if you're like me, it's easy to want to wrap your kids in bubble wrap and stash them in the basement to keep them safe. Of course, I'm being tongue-in-cheek, but really, looking at the news, it's not that far off, is it?

When you have parents bribing their kids' way into prestigious institutes of higher education, tales of wake-up calls so their college students don't miss tests, and stories of bosses receiving calls from their employee's mom and dad, it begins to paint a picture. And it's not a pretty one.

When we parent from fear, it makes even crazy-pants things sound reasonable.

Your daughter doesn't eat sauce on food? Call the school cafeteria to see what can be done.

Your son's roommate issues? Call his RA to try to help work it out.

Cult of Personality Safety

Earlier this year, I was talking to my brother about the number of kids a couple of years older than mine who are staying at home for their first years of college – and beyond. We laughed because we were both hell-bent on getting out on our own, being able to call our own shots.

I voiced that maybe we made it too comfortable for our kids – they wanted to stay at home because it's such a great, relaxing place. There's nothing for them to rebel or chafe against.

He snorted – loudly, I might add, and said, "Riiigght, your supreme parenting skills are keeping them at home."

I cracked up and told him, "Obviously that's not what I meant!"

But I've thought about it a lot since. Truly, my sentiment wasn't that Philip and I are such awesome parents that our kids don't want to leave. It felt like something was eluding me. The more I've thought about it, I've come to the conclusion that it's not about how great our home is. It's about how safe it is.

As a culture, we've elevated safety above all else – and the result is the helicopter/snowplow/bulldozer parenting style that is plaguing us now.

We've swung to the extreme side of wanting to protect our kids, no matter what it takes. We intervene to spare them pain, to keep them from feeling rejected, less than or disappointed. We intervene to pave the way for them and create optimal circumstances for everything we can think of.

I'm going to take a step back here because I am definitely NOT referring to the serious issues teens absolutely need our intervention in – depression, thoughts of suicide or harming others, drug use, etc. Clearly, these are all things that warrant immediate and intensive attention. No, I'm talking about the over-involved, over-protective things that intrude on our teens' everyday lives.

And even though we want to be protective, I don't know that we're successful at it – actually, I know for a fact that we're NOT. Sometimes there are unintentional consequences from our efforts. All this week my mind has been on those kids whose parents cheated them into their schools – I can't imagine the identity crisis those in the dark must be experiencing. But that's a show for another day.

Today's discussion, the point of this rant of mine, is that we are doing our teens no favors when we put safety above all else. Because being safe means no risk-taking. When we keep our kids "safe," we're also keeping them from some really great things –the confidence that comes from problem-solving, the independence of figuring it out by yourself, the resiliency that comes from failing and picking yourself back up.

In one article that a friend shared recently, the author described it as "Parents robbing their children of adulthood."

And let me be the first to say that I'm an offender in this too. It is all too easy to slip into this mindset when your primary goal starts with safety. Because, hello – school shooters and internet predators and terrorists, oh, my.

The problem evolves when it moves from just keeping our kids safe to keeping them comfortable – when it slips into friend drama and social media and mean teachers, oh, my.

There is a fine balance to this. We wouldn't tell our 3-year-old to go play in the front yard on a busy street without supervision – and a set of healthy boundaries and rules. Neither would we let our 16-year-old drive to the nearest big-city venue with a friend to attend a concert at a bar. But we would let our 8-year-old play in that front yard, maybe while keeping an eye on them through the porch windows, at a distance. And we might let our 18-year-old senior go to that concert, as long as her GPS tracking was on and she called when she got there.

It's all in the details, right? When we get too fixated on the bigger threats, the fears that run through our heads like chickens warning that the sky is falling – that's when we lose sight of lighting the path to adulthood for our teens.

There's an interview that Mike Rowe did – he's the guy from Dirty Jobs – that really struck a chord for me. He talks to a reporter about the whole idea of "safety first" – how things have shifted in workplaces over the past few years, and how far from common sense things have gotten. The reporter, in mirroring back Mike Rowe's ideas, says, "When you focus on safety first, you're assuming someone out there cares more about your well-being that you do."

Now, for parents, that's something we do from the moment we first hold our children in our arms. Heck, from the moment we find out we're expecting.

And I know I will always, always care about the well-being of my kids. But at what point do I turn that over to them? Because I want to make sure they understand that most people will NOT be looking out for their well-being. It's their own job. They need to take responsibility for their well-being. They need to speak up for themselves, figure things out, and navigate a world that can often be ambivalent at best, hostile at worst.

How will they know how to do that if I keep intervening in the very circumstances that will teach them those skills? Which leads to another question: How do I know where the line is? When do I intervene and when do I NOT?

These are big questions. And while you are the only one who knows your teen, there are some basic guideposts that can help you find that line.

Guideposts on Your Teen's Path to Adulthood

As I go through the list, ask yourself if this describes your family. If not, it might be time for some adjustments.

1. My teen is responsible for doing whatever they can do on their own. Examples: laundry, driving, organization/time management, schoolwork, planning school lunches (to make or to buy it), managing money for personal expenses like dates or outings with friends, putting gas in the car, making a meal on their own, doing dishes, cleaning bathroom)
2. When my teen does not stay organized or manage his/her time, I do not jump in to rescue him/her. Examples: they forgot to bring a homework assignment to school, they forgot about an assignment and have to rush to do it last-minute, they don't have a clean uniform for the game, or they haven't studied for a test they forgot about and want to skip school.
3. When my teen has an issue with a person of authority (or anyone else, really), I encourage him/her to FIRST speak to the person directly.
4. We have laid out very clear boundaries for our teens. Examples: curfew, chores, attitude, respect – including treatment of siblings and other family members and behavior at school, academic work.
5. When the boundaries we've set are ignored, there are fitting, effective consequences. Examples: loss of privileges like phones, electronics, time with friends; compensation for time lost (if you or someone else had to do their chores); reparation or apologies for disrespectfulness; monitored study time.
6. I stay under my own umbrella and have taught my teens to stay under theirs too. (See episode 16.) We take responsibility for our own emotions, thoughts, actions, behaviors.
7. We encourage creativity and appropriate risk-taking in our family. Examples: extreme sports like rock climbing, roller coasters, exploring new places, discussions about new ideas and theories, trying new creative endeavors like movie-making, art, writing, experiments, etc.
8. When risk-taking doesn't end the way, we wanted it to/expected, we frame it as a learning experience rather than a failure, and we talk openly about our unsuccessful ventures and attempts.
9. In all the above, I am available as a resource/sounding board/support for my teen.

Seriously Crazy-Pants

Now, you may be thinking to yourself, of course, this is what I do with my teens. You might even be offended that I'm suggesting otherwise. That would actually make me very happy - I kind of thought that way too until I read another article that shares the results of a survey given to parents of 18-28-year-olds. It describes all the ways they're still involved in their adult children's' lives. You can read the article for yourself, but I'm going to share a couple of stats with you here.

76% Reminded their adult children of deadlines they need to meet, including for schoolwork

74% Made appointments for them, including doctor's appointments

15% Called or texted to make sure they did not sleep through a class or test

14% Told them which career to pursue

8% Contacted a professor or administrator to discuss an adult child's performance or grades at college

Okay, I am going to say that there is a huge difference between an 18-year-old and a 28-year-old, and I can understand that you do some of these things (like make appointments) for your kids who are still in college. But directing their careers? Being their wake-up calls? Not so much.

Again though, I cop to sometimes being over-involved in things my teens should be fully responsible. (Even as I write this, I just received a "remind" that my daughter has a biology test tomorrow.) It's become a habit, being hyper-aware of every facet of my children's' lives.

Learning to release the reins a little at a time is a huge part of this parenting journey, and one I don't always do well.

But.

It's a conversation I will continue to have with my teens – because they are quick to tell me when I'm overstepping. Almost as quick as I am to tell them they need to step up and take responsibility in some area, like keeping their bathroom clean.

The Bottom Line

When it's all said and done, what I truly want for my kids – and maybe this is the bottom line we should all be looking at – is for them to be good, responsible, independent, interdependent adults.

Figuring out what your bottom line is can help in making better decisions now. Looking at the guideposts and course-correcting is a much better option than looking back and wondering what could have been.

What is that bottom line for you? Where are you with the guideposts? Where do you fall when it comes to helicoptering or snowplowing with your teens?

I would love to hear about it – and there's no judgment here, friends! Just a journey we're all on. I'd love for you to reach out and tell me all about it – you can find me on FB or IG, or reply to this post.

I hope that you are enjoying your teens' spring break, whenever that may fall! Ours was exhausting (from all the driving) and exhilarating (from our exploring and visiting) all at the same time.

Referenced in this Episode

How Parents are Robbing Their Children of Adulthood

Young Adulthood in America: Children Are Grown, but Parenting Doesn't Stop

Mike Rowe – When Safety and Feelings are Priorities

Episode 16

Episode 40

Episode 42

Miranda Kenneally is a prolific writer who really nails the teen experience. Her books are thought-provoking, entertaining, and riveting - and full of hot-topic issues that are great for discussion with your teen. Here's my scoop on this long-time favorite of mine.

• From Manchester, TN
• Went to school in Washington, DC
• Worked for the Department of State
• If you want to know more, check out her website.

• Her impressive body of work includes 8 books published in 11 years – a crazy-amazing feat in the writing world!
• All 8 books are set in the world of Hundred Oaks
• The books are companions, not a series
• All the books feature strong female main characters who blow stereotypes out of the water
• She asks bold questions through her characters and embraces the messiness of life and people

All Miranda Kenneally's books are fantastic discussion starters and cover a variety of hot-topic issues. I've listed all of her books, including a short description and a list of the issues that come up in each.

This first book in the Hundred Oaks books is about Jordan Woods, the daughter of an NFL pro football player. Jordan quarterbacks for her high school football team and her Dad isn't super happy about it. Up until now, she's not really dated, so when she's attracted to the new guy who shows up and makes the team – also as a quarterback – she's faced with lots of emotions.

Issues in Catching Jordan:

• Athletic Pressure
• Dating relationships
• Dreams and Goals
• Friendship
• Future Plans
• Identity
• Parent/teen relationships
• Sexual activity
• Sexism

In the next book, Parker Shelton is a star student and softball player. Her life seems perfect until her mom leaves her dad for another woman, and she's completely shunned at school and at their church. Acting out, she quits the softball team and starts dating (and messing around with) lots of boys. Because the last thing she wants people to think is that she's like her mom. Her infatuation with the new softball coach – a young, just-graduated-from-college guy who used to go to her high school – isn't helping matters.

Issues in Stealing Parker:

• Dating Relationships
• Friendship
• Identity
• Parent/teen relationships
• Sexual activity
• Sexual orientation
• Teacher/student relationships

In the third Hundred Oaks book, Kate Kelly is grappling with her faith and her identity. A self-described "good girl," she's spending the summer as a church camp counselor, and it's not going as planned. She is very clearly a people-pleaser – she struggles a lot with wanting to make sure she doesn't sound "mean" – and she's terrified that the people around her will find out her terrible secret – that she helped her best friend get an abortion a few weeks ago. Over the course of the summer, she begins to see that what she thinks of herself matters most of all.

Issues in Things I Can't Forget:

• Abortion
• Dating Relationships
• Faith
• Friendship
• Identity
• Parent/Teen Relationships
• Sexual Activity
• Teen Pregnancy

In Kenneally's fourth book, Savannah Barrow tries to fit into a new community when her father moves them to Hundred Oaks at the beginning of her senior year. They moved so he could take a better job as the head racehorse trainer on the estate of a wealthy family. Savannah dreams of becoming a horse jockey, but her father is dead set against it. Throw in the teenaged son of the wealthy family, Savannah's over-protective Dad, and all the drama of being the new girl and you have the story of a girl who must figure out who she is and what she wants.

Issues in Racing Savannah:

• Dating Relationships
• Gender Discrimination
• Identity
• Parent/Teen Relationships
• Socio-Economic Differences
• Stereotypes

In the next book, we meet Annie Winters, a teen who is training for a marathon – even though she HATES running. As we watch her train, we discover she's doing it because her boyfriend, Kyle, can't – because he recently died. And she feels responsible. As Annie runs with her training group, she works through her grief and guilt and figures out how to move on without Kyle, and step back into life. (Also, Jordan Woods shows up in this book as a coach at Hundred Oaks HS.)

Issues in Breathe, Annie, Breathe:

• Dating Relationships
• Forgiveness
• Grief and Loss
• Guilt
• Parent/Teen Relationships
• Perseverance

In the sixth Hundred Oaks book, Maya Henry gets to shadow country music star, Jesse Scott, for career day at school. (Maya is Sam Henry's little sister, btw! He's a main character in Catching Jordan.) They do not get off on the right foot, and Maya isn't sure she can learn anything from the arrogant, jaded musician – especially since she hates country music. But as they spend time together, her dreams of becoming a professional start to flutter back to life.

Issues in Jesse's Girl:

• Dating Relationships
• Dreams and Goals
• Friendship
• Future Plans
• Identity
• Teacher/Student Relationships

In this book, Kenneally introduces us to Taylor Lukens, the daughter of a Tennessee senator, whose life is falling apart. She's been kicked out of a private school she adored, thrown off her soccer team, and lost her chance to be the valedictorian – all for something she didn't do. As she bears the brunt of her parents' disappointment and makes the transition to a public school, she has to figure out if lying for her boyfriend was worth it.

Issues in Defending Taylor:

• Academic Pressure
• Choices
• Friendship
• Identity
• Lying
• Parent/Teen Relationships
• Sacrifice
• Sibling Relationships
• Socio-Economic Differences
• Transition

In the final Hundred Oaks novel, Maggie King eats, breathes, sleeps and lives swimming. When she takes a break from Olympic qualification training to visit a college, she realizes all the "typical high school" things she's missed out on. Now it's game on as she tries to fit everything into her senior year, from juggling her new experiences, to the pressure to succeed in swimming, to her changing relationship with her best friend, Levi. (Jordan Woods is in this one as a coach/teacher.)

Issues in Coming Up for Air:

• Athletic Pressure
• Competition
• Dating Relationships
• Friendship
• Identity
• Rivalry
• Sexual Activity

Biggest Takeaways

Building trust is something our teens – and we – do with every choice we make. You're either building trust or breaking it, there's no in between.

How is your teen building trust when it comes to being responsible? Being honest? Having integrity and character?

Your actions, decisions, and expectations communicate your trustworthiness to your teens every day.

How are you building trust when it comes to following through? Listening before jumping to conclusions? Telling the truth even when it's hard? Supporting them through a crisis? Sticking to your decision, once you've made one?

You break trust with your teen when you don't give them clear answers. When you flip flop on your decisions. When you don't lay out clear expectations. When you share things about them without their permission – especially on social media. Not apologizing when you are wrong.

Something that seems like a pebble to you can feel like a boulder to them.

Questions to Ask

Use these questions to do a gut check about how you're building trust.

Ask yourself:

Do I consistently give my teen clear & decisive answers?

Is my yes, "yes" and my no, "no?"

Are my expectations clear?

Do I honor their privacy?

Do I apologize quickly and sincerely to reconcile our relationship?

Have your teen ask themselves:

Do I follow through on my responsibilities?

Am I being honest with the adults in my life?

Do I volunteer information before I'm "caught"?

Do my actions demonstrate integrity and character?

Referenced in this Episode

The Ish Girl on Facebook

The Ish Girl on Instagram

For exclusive content, Sign Up for The Ish Girl's Weekly Email!

FREE EBOOK: Be the Grownup They Need

YA BOOKS ABOUT . . . TRUST

Will they build or break trust? Read to find out!

Two Lies and A Spy by Kat Carlton

Lock & Key by Sarah Dessen

Stealing Parker by Miranda Kenneally

The False Prince by Jennifer A. Nielsen

Happy Birthday!

This week marks the 1-year anniversary of the first podcast episode! To celebrate and show my appreciation for all your support, I compiled the 15 best takeaways from aaalllll the episodes I published during the past 12 months.

Thanks so much for the way you care about teens and want to show up for them. I can't wait to see what we accomplish in the weeks and months ahead!

The 15 Best Takeaways from our First Year:

1. No one knows your teen the way you do – and it's your job to "stay in the know" with them because as teens, they shift and change frequently
2. Be intentional about building a support community. Not only for yourself but for your teens too.
3. Sometimes, when your teen can't receive something from you, they can hear it from other adults in their lives – cultivate that community and ask them to speak into your teen's life. {PRINTABLE – Letters to My Teen}
4. Don't jump in to solve their problems – although this may seem counterintuitive, especially when your teen is anxious. Solving things for them won't help them in the long run.
5. Do support them and be a coach as they work through challenges. The goal is to help your teen develop resiliency and the ability to advocate for themselves.
6. Keep your eyes on the bigger picture – while living in the moment
7. This is not who your teen is – it's how they are becoming an adult.
8. Pick your battles. Remember it takes 2 to argue - avoid getting sucked into arguments that aren't your battle.
9. Being a united team as you co-parent, whether with a spouse or an ex or otherwise, is HUGE for your teens. It gives them a stability and security that they will value later on.
10. Stop "thrashing" yourself with that critical inner voice. Be deliberate about positive thinking and have grace with yourself.
11. Reframe your thoughts by using "THINKS" (true, helpful, inspiring, necessary, kind, something you'd say to a friend) {PRINTABLE – THINKS Graphic}
12. You have your own umbrella (so does everyone else) and underneath it are your own thoughts, feelings, values, etc. {PRINTABLE – Healthy Boundaries Umbrella }
13. My responsibility as a parent is to train, model, and reinforce with the hope that my teens will adopt my values and beliefs – they have the freedom to adopt or reject them
14. Be quick to apologize – everyone will mess up, and it's all in how you come back together and reconcile
15. When I know it's developmentally appropriate for teens to go through certain stages as they're changing from kids into adults, I can now respond to their misbehavior rather than react to it. {EBOOK – Be the Grownup They Need} Seeing our teen's behavior as developmentally appropriate can help us reframe it and respond, rather than react, to it. Defining a behavior as developmentally appropriate doesn't excuse inappropriate or unhealthy behavior. Understanding what is developmentally appropriate frees parents and teens from condemnation and shame.

Referenced in this Episode

Episodes used to compile the 15 best takeaways

The Ish Girl on Facebook

The Ish Girl on Instagram

For exclusive content, Sign Up for The Ish Girl's Weekly Email!

FREE EBOOK: Be the Grownup They Need

Biggest Takeaways:

Tahera Mafi's A Very Large Expanse of Sea is a beautiful book that is perfect for springboarding into meaningful conversations with your teen.

The Context

Fear and mistrust might be knee-jerk reactions, but how we act and think afterwards is our choice.

When we can understand racism as a system we're born into rather than an attitude held by a "bad person" who wants to harm others because of their race, we can begin to be open to recognizing problematic racial patterns in ourselves.

It's important to me that I model for and instill in my teens a compassion and an empathy for others, regardless of any perceived differences.

Post 9/11, many Muslims in the United States were harassed and persecuted. (See the articles below.)

The Book

This story puts us into the mind of a 16-year-old Muslim girl, a year after the 9/11 attacks.

Shirin is miserable, isolated, and bitter because of her post 9/11 experiences. She has been harassed, bullied, and literally attacked. She's withdrawn into a prickly shell, using her hadjib and her headphones to block out the world around her.

As she navigates her first love, Shirin slowly starts to open up and make friends. She discovers that by closing herself off, she's become the very thing she most despises.

The Issues

• Academic Pressure
• Body Choice
• Bullying
• Friendship
• Discrimination/Stereotyping
• Dating Relationships
• Parent/Teen Relationships
• Sibling Relationships
• Teacher/Student Relationships
• Trauma

Referenced in this Episode:

Discussion Questions for A Very Large Expanse of Sea

A Very Large Expanse of Sea by Tahera Mafi

White Fragility by Robin J. Diangelo

Episode 20

Facing Muslim Stereotypes after 9/11

Assaults against Muslims in U.S. surpass 2001 level

How 9/11 Changed These Muslim Americans' Lives Forever

The Ish Girl on Facebook

The Ish Girl on Instagram

For exclusive content, Sign Up for The Ish Girl's Weekly Email!

FREE EBOOK: Be the Grownup They Need

Biggest Takeaways:

The Fight, Flight, or Freeze Response

Your body is programmed to react to danger and stress, usually with a "fight, flight, or freeze" response.

Your brain doesn't always recognize the difference between imminent danger and conflict with the people around you – which means when you're faced with a confrontation, your adrenaline spikes and your body kicks into that fight, flight, or freeze mode.

We don't do our best thinking when we're in fight, flight, or freeze, because all our body's resources – like blood and oxygen – are redirected from the thinking, rational parts of the brain to the instinctual, protective parts.

Learning how to calm yourself in moments of fight, flight, or freeze can go a long way in helping you stay connected with your teen – and anyone else who might trigger you.

When you're in the moment, you can help calm yourself by:

Breathing – making sure your exhales are longer than your inhales

Using your senses to bring you back into the moment

Taking a break or a time out

In a calm state, you can help speed up your ability to calm yourself by:

Doing something like yoga, tai chi, or meditation to practice your breathing

Identifying your triggers

Learning about what's developmentally appropriate in teens

Teaching your teen these same strategies for when they are in fight, flight, or freeze mode.

Have grace with yourself!

You're not going to always get it right – but the way you come back together when you've blown it is HUGE in creating a connected relationship with your teen.

Resources in this Episode

How the Fight or Flight Response Works

Understanding the Stress Response

6 Ways to Switch Off the Fight or Flight Response

This is Your Body on Fear

Change Your Brain, Change Your Life by Dr. Daniel Amen

AWARE: The Science and Practice of Presence by Daniel J. Siegel, MD

The Ish Girl on Facebook

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FREE EBOOK: Be the Grownup They Need