In the Moment with Mamoon

When it comes to relationships, if there's one thing I hate to see people suffer with… it's LIMBO. Where things don't seem too bad to change, but you're nowhere near the dream of where you want to be.

So instead of staying stuck in Limbo, because it's the day before X-Mas, that special time of year where Muslims all around the world… watch movies! Let's do a quick Thought Experiment...

Let's be honest: every marriage faces challenges. But sometimes, we can get so caught up in the day-to-day drama of misunderstandings, arguments, or unmet expectations, that we end up missing the bigger picture.

The question is: Is your marriage passing the "bare minimum" test?

The last couple of weeks I've been going around Marrakech with a pair of orange tinted glasses that Rachida gave me. And as I walked around seeing palm trees and beautiful scenery with these tinted glasses, it reminded me of the great Tony Stark.

It got me thinking that in some ways, I used to be a bit like Iron Man....

There's a major downside to all the spiritual insights & relationship strategies I teach: they KILL drama. And let's face it: sometimes people get a real kick out of drama. The highs when you win a point and the lows when you're mad or upset - it can all get kind of… addictive.

Sometimes the whole marriage feels like it started as a Rom-Com but they changed screenwriters half way through and it ended up as a soap opera that just... Never. Stops.

Here's a quick checklist of exactly what to do if you looooovve all that drama and you want to keep the soap opera going forever…

Sarah was on her way to one of my live events, mentally rehearsing how she'd tell her husband she wanted a divorce. Years of resentment had piled up. Every argument left her feeling more defeated. Even small conflicts spiralled into days of tension and silence. She'd tried everything - therapy, advice from family elders, and even seeking help from an imam. But nothing brought her peace. As she drove, she thought, "This is my last shot. If this doesn't work, I'm done." But during the event, something pretty cool happened...

One of the most common mistakes I see in marriages is trying to fix your partner's (seemingly countless) flaws. And one of the most common objections to me pointing this out is that the person I'm coaching will say: "Oh no, but you don't understand, they even [insert typical human flaws]". It often sounds something like this:

• "If only they'd be more affectionate, then I'd be happy."
• "Why can't they just be more supportive?"
• "If they would change, everything would be better."

Now you might be thinking... What's wrong with that? They should be more affectionate, supportive and change their bad behaviour, right? Maybe. The problem is that this mindset creates resistance, not connection. No one likes to feel judged or "not good enough," especially in a marriage. As the old saying goes: "Everyone loves chocolate; but no-one loves having it shoved down their throat." Here's a Reality Check:

• You can't control your spouse's behavior.
• You can't force them to change.
• But you can transform your own mindset — and when you do, it often has a positive ripple effect on your relationship.

The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) showed us this wisdom time and again. He didn't lead by just telling people to do what he wanted. He always lead by example, not by trying to change others. His kindness, resilience, and spiritual presence inspired transformation in his family and companions. So instead of trying to fix your partner, ask yourself:

1. How can I bring more presence, love and deep listening to this relationship?
2. What expectations can I let go of that would be a relief for my partner? (And am I conscious enough to let go of the illusion that I need them to do XYZ for me to be happy?)
3. Do I feel better when I focus on what's wrong with them, or when I focus on what's right with them and all the blessings Allah gives me through them?

When you shift your focus inward, something amazing happens: Your partner feels it. They sense your love, your ease, and your presence — and often, they naturally start to lighten up and respond in kind. If you're tired of trying to "fix" your marriage and are ready to transform it from the inside out, I'd love to show you how. My brand new "Marriage Made Easy" program is designed to make 2025 the year that turns your marriage around and sets you up for love that literally lasts forever. It's available now for email subscribers only at a 50% discount with a suite of bonus gifts - go here to join my list and get all the good stuff: www.mamoonyusaf.com/marriage

What I'm about to share with you is not the be-all and end-all of marriage challenges and conflicts… but it does work fast and remarkably well.

If you want to have a long-term, successful marriage where you and your partner both get what you want, then use this "quick-fix" as you learn some of the more important, long-term insights and skills I share with you in my in-depth coaching programs. (And if you're already a relationship coach, you'll definitely want to add this one to your toolbox and share it with clients.)

Imagine your partner is mad at you about something. (I know, very difficult to imagine, right?) Or, imagine that you're in a conflict because you're not seeing eye-to-eye about a situation. He thinks you're wrong and you think he's wrong… and you're going to get to the bottom of it tonight, by the end of this argument. (Or so your ego would like you to think).

As you're 'talking' (or ranting like raving lunatics at each other), take a moment to notice something so obvious about the situation that it may have, in the moment, escaped your attention. What does the body language of the couple look like? Are they sitting or is one of them standing? Are they breathing deeply from their bellies in a calm, relaxed way, or do they have short, panting breaths designed to get enough oxygen in to shout their next point out loud? What's the tone of voice like?

Here's they key:

Are they touching?

Or are they standing on opposite sides of the room, with a hostile space in between them, as if to say 'if I was near you, either you or I would not be safe'.

Whenever there's a conflict, there's always a lot going on beneath the surface. The partner feels misunderstood, not heard, not seen, not loved. If the partner can have re-assurance that underneath it all, they are loved, it changes the whole dynamic.

Trying to 'say' that in the middle of an argument won't work, because it'll likely get lost in the midst of all the other communication that's happening.

So what's the 'trick' to de-escalate the conflict, reassure your partner that they are loved and move things in a positive direction, no matter what issue you're fighting over?

Simple:

Touch.

Go over to your partner and maintain physical contact with them in a way that feels natural and makes sense in context. It's a way of firmly saying, in no uncertain terms: "I love you more than I'm mad at you".

You might notice that when you do this, your tone softens and you both 'loosen up' and re-connect, putting the relationship first, instead of the 'issue' that you were arguing about and letting come between you.

This doesn't 'resolve' the conflict, but it does start to save the real victim of the conflict: the love and connection you feel between each other.

This is another gem I learnt from one of the best relationship coaches on the planet, my friend and colleague Annie Lalla and she explains it in-depth on page 21 of her new mini e-book guide called:

"Mastering Love, Passion & Conflict."

You can download it here:

www.mamoonyusaf.com/heart-guide/

I recently came across an interesting definition of the word 'love', in the context of a loving relationship:

"The capacity to feel the full spectrum of human emotion in service of being present in this current moment (the only place you can actually be with another)."

I don't know how technically accurate of a definition that is, but it's an excellent description of what it means to be loving to another human being - especially during a conflict.

This morning my wife was inexplicably mad at me. I say 'inexplicably', but she could certainly explain it. Turns out the night before I was tired, grumpy and acting like a grouch. I had an attitude and just about managed to get myself to bed as early as possible.

This morning I woke up early, as chipper as one of the birds outside that wakes us up for the pre-dawn prayer. I got the boys to school and came home, curious about what was on Rachida's mind. I had completely forgotten how grumpy I was acting the night before… but Rachida certainly hadn't!

This brings up the quintessential challenge of relationships in general, and marriage in particular. How can you bring presence, a quiet mind and a loving heart to an interaction, especially when there are intense negative emotions like hurt, anger and a sense of righteous indignation?

This is as important when it comes to living with your partner, as when it comes to living in a country and a world split by political divisions. How can you be with the 'other' in a way that shines the light of the divine onto the situation?

Here's what works best for me:

• The moment feelings of hurt, upset, sadness or anger come up in me, I move away from the temptation to 'blame' them on the other person, their stance, or their opinion

• Instead, notice the feelings and thoughts arise within yourself and observe them

• The moment you do this, you might notice that the edge is taken out of them; they're not as hard to handle any more. They may even dissipate or completely disappear as you pay attention to them.

• The more conscious awareness you can bring to your feelings and thoughts, the better you can re-focus on what is actually being said and the more deeply you can listen

• More often than not, you'll soon find that they are also dealing with some hurt, upset and frustration, which they might be perceiving is a result of your behaviour. Instead of getting caught up in that assumption, increase the intensity of your own presence

• Notice how, just as your harmful thoughts and feelings dissipated through the light of your conscious awareness, your partner's hurt feelings dissipate as you give them space to express themselves, while deeply listening.

• Your presence is now shining its light so brightly that your partner is now feeling fully seen and heard, because they truly are.

This 'marriage' stuff is a work in progress and I don't have any expectations of ever doing it 'perfectly', if there is such a thing. I am, however, very aware that the more presence I can bring to the 'conflict', the more I'm pouring water over the fire instead of oil.

To me, that's what love is.

There is a perfectly rational reason to acknolwedge the existence of God. Unfortunately it is largely unknown in the West and was certainly never taught to me (or your kids) in school.

It's the argument of the categories of existence and it's explianed comprehensively in this video.

I recently received this 'classic' philosophical question from the son of a close friend and figured I'd answer it in a video for everyone.

There's a remarkably simple, comprehensive, logical answer, which (weirdly enough) I was never taught in school.