Sex for Saints

Most of us keep score in our marriages without ever calling it that. We track who got up with the baby, who apologized first, how many times we reached over and got turned down. It starts as a way to get something to change, and it ends up making sure nothing does. In this episode I talk about what scorekeeping actually is, what it looks like around the house and in the bedroom, and why your count is almost always wrong. We look at the research on why you cannot see most of what your spouse contributes, how confirmation bias keeps a wrong count feeling accurate, the two places resentment comes from, and the over functioning and under functioning pattern sitting underneath a lot of this. Then we talk about what it takes to move a marriage back from transactional to an equal partnership.

The men in my comments say the same thing over and over. She was one way before the wedding and another way after, and they feel like they were sold something that never got delivered. Women tell me the same thing from the other direction. He wanted to know everything about her before marriage, and now the only time he comes looking for her is when he wants sex. Both of them believe they got the bait and switch, and both of them are partly right. In this episode we look at what actually changed, which is not the people and not the facts, but the meanings underneath them. The way out is not deciding who lied. It is getting curious about what all of this means to the person you married.

Get the worksheet at: www.amandalouder.com/podcast/441/

Somewhere along the way, a lot of married couples stop really kissing. It turns into a quick peck at the door, or it only shows up as the first step toward sex. And the spouse who misses it usually decides that means something about whether they are still wanted, which is almost never what is actually going on.

In this episode I get into why kissing disappears from a marriage, what the research says about how men and women experience it differently, and what it takes to get it back. I also say the thing nobody wants me to say about why your spouse might be keeping it short.

Here is the worksheet for this episode.

Most couples who come to me have already tried. They have read the books, taken the courses, sat with a therapist, and walked out with a plan they both believed in. And it worked, for a few weeks, maybe a few months, before everything slid back to exactly where it was. In this episode I use an iceberg model I heard Brene Brown describe to explain why that keeps happening. The problem you can see is only the tip. Through the story of one couple who made the same plan five separate times, I walk down all four layers and show why the changes you make never last, and what actually has to shift for them to hold.

The Iceberg Under Your Marriage Graphic

Many conversations about improving your sex life focus on what men can do differently. But there's another side that rarely gets talked about: women who can't receive. In this episode, Amanda breaks down two distinct patterns — the wife who checks out and endures, and the wife who keeps redirecting everything back to her husband — exploring why each happens, where the need for control comes from, and what it actually takes to change. Whether you're the one struggling to receive or the husband who's stopped trying, this episode offers a way forward.

Get the worksheet here

After thousands of hours on Zoom with couples, I can usually tell by the second or third conversation which marriages are going to make it. It has almost nothing to do with the size of the problem. In this episode I walk through the six patterns I watch for, what each one sounds like on a call, and what to do if you see your own marriage in one of them. Recognizing one is not a verdict. It's information you can work with.

Here is this episode's worksheet.

Most of us have heard of the seven deadly sins, but I'd never heard them reframed quite like this. In this episode, I dig into Elizabeth Oldfield's idea that these old sins aren't really about morality checklists, they're about disconnection, and I bring that lens straight into marriage and the bedroom. The part I can't stop thinking about is a mistranslation in Matthew 5 that's convinced a lot of good, married people they should feel ashamed just for wanting their own spouse. I also discuss how President Benson's "Beware of Pride" talk works within Oldfield's work, and for every pattern that pulls you apart, I give you what actually brings you back together. I invite you to listen and see if anything makes you stop and think about your own relationship. You might be surprised.

Here are the questions for this week's episode.

Here is the link to the book I talk about, Fully Alive.

Most of the fights in your marriage aren't problems to solve. They're paradoxes, and we get stuck the moment we try to pick a side instead of accepting both. In this episode, I dig into why our faith is built floor to ceiling on paradoxes, why the Stockdale Paradox (brutal honesty plus unshakable faith) separates couples who heal from couples who quietly erode, and why even the word "cleave" asks you to cling and stand apart at the same time. I share how my clients broke a three-year standoff not by resolving their paradox but by stepping into the middle of it. If you've been waiting for the tension in your marriage to disappear before things get good, this one's for you.

What if the problem in your sex life isn't really about sex at all? In this episode, I'm talking about emotional safety and the powerful role it plays in both your marriage and your sexual relationship. We'll look at the patterns that slowly break down emotional safety, including criticism, defensiveness, dismissal, and shame, as well as what both partners can do to rebuild trust and connection. I'll also help you recognize when you may be contributing to an emotionally unsafe environment and show you how curiosity, accountability, repair, and consistency can begin to change those patterns. Because the deepest intimacy happens when both partners feel safe enough to be fully known.

Have you ever stopped yourself from feeling close to your spouse because you were worried about where it might lead? In this episode, I explore why arousal, or what the ancient Greeks called Eros, is about so much more than sex. I talk about how learning to experience desire without pressure or expectation can create deeper trust, stronger emotional connection, and a more vibrant marriage. If you've ever felt like affection automatically comes with an agenda, this episode will help you discover how allowing Eros to simply exist can transform both your relationship and your intimate connection.