Most people think being a good spouse means being selfless, accommodating, and easygoing.

But what if those same habits are quietly creating resentment, frustration, and disconnection?

In this episode, we're joined by Stu Murray, a men's leadership coach, to discuss the "Nice Guy Pattern"—the tendency to suppress your own needs, avoid conflict, and hope your partner will magically figure out what you want.

Together we explore:

• What covert contracts are and why they create resentment • Why people-pleasing often leads to less intimacy, not more • How unspoken expectations damage emotional safety • The connection between honesty, desire, and attraction • Why many men struggle to express what they really want • Practical steps to stop self-abandoning and start showing up authentically

If you've ever thought, "After everything I do, why don't I feel appreciated?" this episode is for you.

You'll learn how greater honesty, responsibility, and authenticity can create stronger connection—and often more intimacy—in your marriage.

Episode Resources

Come cruise with us this fall!

Don't miss out on the International Lovemaking Day Challenge going on now in the Intimately Us app!

Find Stu on Youtube (https://www.youtube.com/@iamstumurray) and Instagram: @iamstumurray

Disclaimer: The opinions and values expressed by guests on the Get Your Marriage On! podcast are their own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and values of the host. Appearance on the podcast does not imply an endorsement of the guest or their products by Get Your Marriage On or its host. While we work hard to bring you quality and valuable content, listeners are encouraged to use their own best judgment in applying the information or products discussed on this podcast.

Differences in sexual desire can feel deeply personal. One spouse feels rejected. The other feels pressured. And both end up wondering if something is wrong with their marriage.

In this episode, Dan shares three principles that can completely change the way you think about desire differences in marriage. He talks honestly about the hidden power dynamics couples fall into, why conflict around sex is actually an opportunity for growth, and how sometimes "low desire" is actually a wise response to unhealthy meanings attached to sex.

You'll learn:

• Why every marriage has a higher and lower desire spouse
• The three unhealthy ways couples typically handle sexual conflict (and how to do it better)
• Why vulnerability is often more powerful than pressure
• How to stop using sex for validation and start creating truly good sex together

This episode is honest, hopeful, and deeply practical for couples who feel stuck in painful intimacy patterns.

If you've ever felt lonely, rejected, pressured, unseen, or exhausted by the pursuit-withdraw cycle in your marriage, this episode is for you.

And if you'd like personal help implementing these principles, our program can help you take those first steps, even if your spouse isn't on board. After all, "personal responsibility and growth is the solution to most s*xual difficulties" and our program is designed to address just that.

And if you'd like to bring more eroticism and play into your marriage, you can join us on our cruise this October! Get all the details on our website.

Better sex isn't just about what happens in the bedroom.

In this episode, Dan sits down with Zach Watson to unpack the hidden emotional and mental work happening inside many marriages — and why it has such a powerful impact on intimacy.

They talk about invisible labor, mental load, emotional safety, and the loneliness that can build when one partner feels like they're carrying everything alone. Zach shares practical ways couples can better share responsibility, communicate more clearly, and create more trust and partnership at home.

You'll also hear:

• Why "helping" can sometimes create more frustration
• The difference between doing a task and owning it
• How emotional labor affects desire and connection
• Why empathy matters so much in sexual intimacy
• Simple ways couples can work more like teammates

This episode is honest, practical, and full of moments that will help you better understand your partner — and yourself.

Episode Resources

Thriving Together: How to Share the Mental Load in Marriage (GYMO Guide)

Get ready for International Lovemaking Day with Intimately Us!

Come cruise with us!

Zach's Free Mental Load Basics Skool Community

Find Zach on Socials: @zachmentalloadcoach (Instagram) and @zachthinkshare (Facebook)

Disclaimer: The opinions and values expressed by guests on the Get Your Marriage On! podcast are their own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and values of the host. Appearance on the podcast does not imply an endorsement of the guest or their products by Get Your Marriage On or its host. While we work hard to bring you quality and valuable content, listeners are encouraged to use their own best judgment in applying the information or products discussed on this podcast.

In this final session with Peggy and Steve, things feel different.

The wall Peggy used to feel during intimacy—the fear, tension, and resistance that would suddenly shut everything down—is starting to soften.

And for the first time in a long time, both of them are beginning to relax.

In this episode, you'll hear Peggy and Steve reflect on the progress they've made over the last few months, what still feels difficult, and what they're continuing to work through together.

You'll also hear conversations about:

• learning to let go a little more
• why sex can start to feel overly serious
• the role playfulness has in intimacy
• stress, emotional overload, and connection
• and what it means to feel truly free with your spouse

This episode is a hopeful ending to a deeply honest coaching journey—and a reminder that growth usually happens gradually, one small shift at a time.

If you'd like some guidance to shift your marriage, check out our coaching options at getyourmarriageon.com/program or getyourmarriageon.com/work-with-me/

ATTN: Women's only coaching cohorts starts today, May 12! Don't waste another day wishing things were different in your marriage. Sign up here:

Women's coaching: https://getyourmarriageon.com/womens-small-group-coaching/

In this fourth session with Peggy and Steve, something important finally clicks.

Peggy begins recognizing the exact moment her brain hits the "kill switch" during intimacy.

Not consciously. Not intentionally. Just years of conditioning kicking in automatically.

As the conversation unfolds, Peggy starts connecting the dots between anxiety, "good girl" conditioning, fear, pleasure, and the unconscious belief that enjoying too much might somehow be wrong.

In this episode, you'll hear:

• Why some people unconsciously shut pleasure down
• What happens when your brain treats pleasure like danger
• How anxiety can quietly disconnect you from your body
• Why rewiring sexual patterns takes more than just "thinking differently"

You'll also hear one of the biggest mindset shifts of the series so far.

This episode is about learning how to stop fighting yourself in intimate moments, and starting to trust that pleasure, connection, and desire were never the enemy.

ATTN: Men's and Women's only coaching cohorts start this week, May 12! Don't waste another day wishing things were different in your marriage. Sign up here:

Women's coaching: https://getyourmarriageon.com/womens-small-group-coaching/

Men's coaching: https://getyourmarriageon.com/mens-coaching/

***

In this third session with Peggy and Steve, the conversation shifts in a deeper direction.

What starts as a discussion about intimacy and confidence quickly turns into something much bigger:

👉 learning how to actually like yourself.

As Peggy opens up about body image, control, "good girl" conditioning, and the stories she's believed about herself for years, it becomes clear that these patterns don't just affect how she feels about her body.

They affect how she shows up in her marriage, in intimacy, and in her relationship with herself.

In this episode, you'll hear:

• Why self-acceptance matters so much in intimacy
• How negative self-talk quietly affects connection
• The hidden cost of "clamping down" your sexuality
• The difference between confidence and self-acceptance
• Why good sex requires trust, courage, honesty, and faith

You'll also hear a personal story from Dan about a moment that completely changed the way he saw himself—and why learning to like yourself is some of the most important work a person can do.

This episode isn't just about sex.

It's about what happens when you stop fighting yourself and finally begin stepping more fully into who you already are.

Why do so many couples feel stuck, even when they're both trying their best?

In Part 2 of this real coaching series, Peggy and Steve come back after working on making intimacy more fun and less performative.

And for a while, it works.

But underneath the progress, a deeper pattern starts to surface—one that keeps pulling them right back into the same frustrating gridlock.

Inside this episode, you'll hear:

• How "needy" energy shows up in subtle, unintentional ways
• Why looking to your spouse to fix how you feel creates disconnection
• The difference between wanting connection and depending on it
• How both partners can feel powerless—even in a loving marriage

This episode gets to the core of a pattern many couples don't realize they're in:

👉 When you rely on your partner to regulate your emotions, intimacy starts to feel like pressure—not connection.

And when that happens, both people lose.

The goal isn't to stop wanting each other. It's to stop needing your partner to feel okay.

Because that's where real connection—and real desire—can actually grow.

This is Part 2 of a 5-part coaching series where you'll hear what it takes to break out of that cycle and create something better. Make sure you've listened to Part 1 first!

Resources from the episode:

Our Men's and Women's Cohorts are starting May 12! Seats are limited, so grab your spot today!

What if the problem in your sex life isn't a lack of effort…but too much effort?

In this episode, we're trying something completely new.

You'll get a behind-the-scenes look at a real coaching session with a couple (names and details changed for privacy) who are doing everything "right"—but still feel stuck.

They love each other. They're committed. They're trying hard.

But sex has started to feel… mechanical. A little pressured. More like something to get through than something to enjoy.

Inside this session, something important comes to light:

👉 The more sex feels like work, the harder it is to actually feel desire.

In this episode, you'll hear:

• Why "trying harder" can actually make intimacy worse
• The hidden pressure to perform (even in good marriages)
• What it really means to let go—and why that's so difficult
• A simple but powerful shift that can change everything

This is Part 1 of a 5-part coaching series where you'll hear real progress unfold over time.

As you listen, see if you can spot parts of your own relationship in their story.

Because no matter where you are right now—there's a path forward.

Resources from the episode:

Our Men's and Women's Cohorts are starting May 12! Seats are limited, so grab your spot today!

She didn't think sex could be for her.

In this honest conversation, Faith shares her journey from seeing sex as transactional, to walking away from it after finding Jesus, to struggling with disconnected, obligation-based intimacy in marriage.

But something shifted.

She began to understand that intimacy could be connective, meaningful—and even for her, too.

If you've ever felt like sex is something you do rather than something you enjoy, this episode will resonate.

You'll learn how she:

• moved out of "duty sex" and into real connection
• started identifying what she actually enjoys
• began experiencing intimacy in a whole new way

A powerful story of healing, growth, and what's possible in marriage.

Resources from the episode:

Our Men's and Women's Cohorts are starting May 12! Seats are limited, so grab your spot today!

This is Part 2 of a special two-part series exploring the difference between having sex and making love.

If you haven't listened to Episode 300 yet, go start there—it lays the foundation for everything we talk about in this episode.

In this episode, we move from understanding the difference… to learning how to actually create more meaningful, connected intimacy in your marriage.

You'll hear from:

• Dr. Alexandra Stockwell on shifting from transactional sex to deeply relational intimacy
• Trevor Hanson on attachment, safety, and why slowing down changes everything
• Aly Bullock on communication, nervous system regulation, and building connection outside the bedroom

We talk about:

• Why sex doesn't always need to be deeply emotional to be good
• How to move out of "checkbox sex" into something more connected
• The role of safety, vulnerability, and communication
• Why what happens outside the bedroom matters most

This episode is about learning how to bring more heart, presence, and connection into your relationship—one small moment at a time. More about our guests:

Dr. Alexandra Stockwell is an intimate marriage expert and the host of The Intimate Marriage Podcast and the author of Uncompromising Intimacy.

Trevor Hanson's mission is to help people with an anxious attachment style become secure. You can find him on Instagram and his website.

Aly Bullock is a licensed marriage and family therapist and communication coach and has reached millions with her widely-followed Instagram account.

Resources and Events:

We invite you to explore our Get Your Marriage On coaching program. Get ready for our men's and women's groups starting up again in May!

Disclaimer: The opinions and values expressed by guests on the Get Your Marriage On! podcast are their own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and values of the host. Appearance on the podcast does not imply an endorsement of the guest or their products by Get Your Marriage On or its host. While we work hard to bring you quality and valuable content, listeners are encouraged to use their own best judgment in applying the information or products discussed on this podcast.