IN THE UNKNOWN with Alyonka

"There's a phrase: ‘the church is not supposed to be a country club for perfect people it’s supposed to be a hospital of healing for broken people’. In God's economy brokenness and weakness are way more powerful than strength."

24. TIM HOLDRIDGE | On Religion, Anxiety, Fear + Receiving Love

IN THE UNKNOWN with Alyonka

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photo via: Woodside Detroit

"Some use the Bible and God in a really absurd way, like, ‘if you don't do this God’s gonna do this’. Like he’s going to get you. So what it does is create this view of God that isn’t a loving Father, per say. He is more of a regulator. That then causes you to live more out of fear.You’ll do things out of fear and out of shame instead of out of love and out of desire."

HERE'S WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW.First and foremost, Tim is a friend. I'll be honest - as I usually am - I was skeptical at first. Of the religion part of him. Of the Church part of him. Of him acting as a Pastor. Especially in the way people gravitated towards him.In my opinion, and in the experience that I've had growing up as a daughter of a famous man, I know that fame can make or break a person. It takes A LOT of discipline, self-evaluation, and honesty for someone to remain in the space of humility, especially when one is in service to others. It is so easy for the person to become bigger than the purpose, which is why I decided to attend one of his services. I wanted to form a clear un-biased opinion of the man standing in front of me.I was raised Russian Orthodox, so the way in which I viewed and experienced religion is different than what I felt at Woodside. I did not connect with the entirety of the experience, however, as soon as Tim stepped onto the stage and began speaking, I felt a sense of desire to connect to his words and his message. It was all very relatable. God didn't seem like a distant idea, someone to fear as I tried to navigate my space in this world. Instead, Tim made Him feel like Me, and I like Him. I thought, well if God is just like me, then so is Tim. He too has flaws, fears, insecurities. He too struggles with the human condition. He too suffers just like me. I saw people nodding. Heard them audibly agreeing. People's shoulders relaxed. Their phones put away. Their bodies still as they listened. It's a skill - I know in doing my workshops - to capture the attention of a room and to impart a meaningful lesson in a short period of time. It's even more of a skill to step off of a stage and to continue giving when you're already spent. I waited by the outskirts of the Church. I wanted to give my thanks. Tell him that he's nudged me in a different direction. It took some time for me to reach him. Swaths of people wanted to shake his hand, speak with him, hug him, relay their lessons-learned and/or remaining fears. Finally, Tim walked up to me.How'd I do? This struck me. How should I know? Great! In my opinion. For someone who's a non-believer...I had a moment where I started to believe. You were wonderful, Tim. Totally and truly relatable and of this Earth. Not some Godly being standing on a pedestal preaching. He difficultly took the compliment and changed the subject to me. That is when I realized that inside there is a person. Someone who is seeking like me. Struggling to make sense of the World. Bravely showing up to do the work even though there is much he doesn't know.That is Tim Holdridge. From there we struck up a friendship. The kind where we can sit and talk openly about anything. He is not there to act as a pastor. I am not there to act as a guide. We simply listen and hear and speak because we care. About our well-being, about our path, about our friendship. Labels aside, we are two souls who aid in the paths that have been laid out in front of us. As you'll here in this conversation, I am openly and honestly challenging Tim on some of the most difficult questions surrounding the meaning of Religion and Church. He speaks about his own ways of leading, being, believing. He tells us about his personal battles with anxiety and depression. He emphasizes the power of community and the ways in which Love trumps Fear. Mostly he speaks about being a Human. Just a regular guy, doing a regular job, going through regular ups and downs of being Human.That's the greatest part about Tim. He is, just like, you and me. All labels aside.

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"People live in fear. Fear that they are not enough. They live in fear that people don’t really love them. They live in fear that the world’s not going to continue. They live in fear of war. They live in fear of so many things because actually the world has set up society to almost live in that way. It's easy to follow what the world wants us to do. We are constantly bombarded by it."

 CONNECTTWITTER: @tholdridgeINSTAGRAM: @tcholdridge

 

 

VISIT WOODSIDE DETROIThttps://woodsidebible.org/detroit

 

"I think when you’re in a role of a spiritual leader within a Church it’s even harder [being open about anxiety + depression] because everyone looks at you as part of the role of a pastor: that you’re there to help them. Which is fine. That is part of it. But what I think I realized is that my brokenness actually helped way more than my strength."

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23. ERIC NYSTROM | On the NHL, Masculinity + the Power of Positive Thinking

IN THE UNKNOWN with Alyonka

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Taken at the Detroit Foundation Hotel | Detroit, MI.

“Everything in my life — everything that I’ve really wanted and visually seen happening, it really did come true. I could say the same thing about the other side.  Everything that came in negatively in my mind those things came true.Its all about thinking positive, having the right mindset and having goals. Knowing what you want. What are the steps to get there?  If you keep your eyes on what you’re trying to accomplish you can get there. There are going to be hurdles. Its the nature of the beast. Nothing is going to get handed to you. If you have a goal and you want it bad enough—you can literally have it. But if you let that negativity creep into your mind and have that doubt in your head, you’re going to have a hard time reaching that goal. It’s really about believing. It’s 100% the truth, from my experience. The mind’s a powerful thing. You have to control it in the right direction because it really can negatively affect you.”

HERE'S WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW.I pride myself in having a good judge of character. I can suss out someone's authenticity and genuine, sincere nature immediately, and ulterior motives even quicker. It's part of the fight-or-flight nature Eric talks about in the podcast. Some of us have it fine-tuned better than others. The latter isn't an excuse to let the mishaps slide. At the end of the day, we're all a product of our imagination. What we think and believe, becomes. I didn't know Eric's mindset and way of thinking when we first met, but I could sense a genuine care for humanity. That was enough to spark a friendship which eventually led to us sitting down to record this conversation. He is (best-known) as the son of Hockey Legend and Mr. Islander, Bob Nystrom. I, too, share this honor. Being seen, first, for our last name prior to us developing as individuals.“Of course being the son of a former Islander and Stanley Cup Champion, I lived it my whole life. I was stuck with that sigma. People are gonna say I made it because of my last name but what NHL manager is gonna draft a player just because of a last name when they’re trying to win a Stanley Cup? You know what I mean? It’s just one of those stupid things I had to face. The, ”he’s doing this because of his dad, Bob.“ People who think that, they’re just ignorant. They want to make an excuse because people don't like seeing others being successful. That’s the type of world we live in. And it’s sad.” The difference between Eric and I is that he didn't let that define him. He wore his last name with pride and continued his life in stride, laser-focusing on his own love for the game of hockey, playing because he loved it not because of his pursuit to reach a particular destination.“I was totally committed to the game.  And I think that was a big reason why I ended up making it and it was because I dialed in on it. I wanted it so bad. And it wasn’t that I set the goal— hey I need to play in the NHL. I just loved the game so much that I worked hard and that opened doors. I just wanted to win, I wanted to play. And I played with passion.“ What I find particularly refreshing about Eric is that he's not your typical a-list athlete. He knows his skills and lack thereof, and he focuses on being a "team" guy versus an individual with individual goals. It's why when one asks former teammates and media members about the kind of guy Eric was in the locker-room, they come back with a "a locker-room guy. The glue. The one who makes it about the whole experience versus an individual pursuit."“I think that’s why the reporters did come over and want to talk to me.  It’s because I was actually going to tell you something outside the box a little bit - never say something stupid - but I’m going to give you an honest answer. I think that’s one of the reasons why I stuck around in the league for as long as i did - to be in the locker room and lighten the mood, and mentor young guys and give advice. You know, be a teammate in that way. I think that was definitely part of my package. Definitely when I was being shopped around as a player and trying to find the right fit. I took pride in that. I Always took pride in being a good teammate and speaking my mind.” Now, as a retired player, not much of his optimism or his truths have changed. He's still the same guy except he's now pursuing a different life, one that allows him to scratch his curiosity which was often stifled while in the world of hockey.“On game days it’s a physical beating. Schedule’s demanding - you play a lot games but man, we spend a lot of downtime on the plane. We could have read some books a little more. Lessened the card games or tv series and actually informed or educated ourselves. I never did anything until I was thrust into school and I had to. On non-game days, you practice at 10:30, end at 1:00 . You’ve got a lot of time left. Of course tons of guys had families. I never had a kid or anything like that when I was playing so that’s a little different. I just wish there was a little more education and awareness for sure. I wish I could say I was like the poster child for that but I was right in the mix of everybody else. When you’re making that much money and you see those paychecks coming in, you think you’re on top of the world.” He's now using his lessons-learned to advise others in the game and openly talking about gender roles, masculinity, and locker-room talk.“You can imagine what’s being talked about in the locker room or when you put 20 or 30 hockey players onto a plane. We’re always around each other. You definitely get stuck in a little bit of a box. It’s good to have outside interests. Just for your own sanity. I just keep saying there’s so much out there! You don't want to be the oddball that everybody's kind of making fun of, but at the same time why are guys being made fun of for being themselves and for trying to better themselves as a person.” It's inspiring. Ice-breaking (pun intended) as it's extremely RARE to hear a professional athlete, especially an NHL'er talk so candidly and openly about the importance of Vulnerability.“If you’ve never experienced [vulnerability] I don’t think you’re human. We’ve all been vulnerable at times and feel that at our lowest. I think the one thing that does affect men - if we’re going to connect the two - is how scared they are to show it. .And I’m a victim here. Looking at it. I’m guilty. I’ve been like that. I’ve thought, you’re not supposed to show that because you’re a man. Men aren’t supposed to be vulnerable. But you’re lying to yourself if you’ve never felt vulnerable.” There's a lot here. A lot to learn from. A lot to listen to. A lot to soak in. I walked away feeling inspired and excited to share this with a group of Men who desperately need some guidance. If that's too much pressure to put on Eric, I'll take the brunt of it. Whether he recognizes it or not, he's facilitating a space for conversation, for truth-talk. Hockey world. Sports world. You paying attention?

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“Right now I’m doing some real estate deals and learning all about that. I've got a wife that’s pregnant. I've got a family that’s on the way and i have to find ways to provide for them.  Yes, Hockey’s always been that crutch.Once you’re put into that fight-or-flight situation you’ve got to figure out how you’re going to feed the mouth that is going to be entering our family soon. And hockey’s not gonna be the way right now. That part’s over. I want to keep growing. I want to keep supporting my family and the lifestyle that I want them to live. That’s going to be a lot of hard work.I’m starting from zero again.  And that’s the motivation.”

CONNECTTWITTER: @enystrom23INSTAGRAM: @enystrom23 websitehttp://www.nystromrentals.com/ Note**reach out to Eric if you need advice // his offer is sincere**

EPISODE NOTES:

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22. RYAN RUOCCO | ESPN + YES Network Broadcaster, Play-by-Play Man + Podcaster

IN THE UNKNOWN with Alyonka

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HERE'S WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW.

"I think our biggest problem in society is the way we communicate, or they way we don't communicate."

Ryan's a friend. A good friend. One of my best. So this was an absolute privilege for me to be able to sit with him in studio and to pick his brain as an interviewer. Focusing not on his career, where he's been and where he's headed, but on the person that he is on a day-to-day basis. His voice, his take, his view, his personality and his evolution as a human being is something nobody can take away from him. That's what makes him successful in his industry. And as a human. But, I'm biased.

What I find most interesting about this pod is his willingness to engage in a conversation in the best kind of way: by applying the art of listening. Ryan actively chooses to hear before making any decisions or statements.

Choose dialogue over debate. Debate is often presented as an ego context. Are you right or am I right? And, who is right at the end of it? It’s not a learning experience. It’s not a listening experience. For me, dialogue is really about learning, and listening, and hearing what someone else has to say and I think that is how we become more productive. Allow yourself to hear before you decide.

He's also able to tap into his vulnerabilities, his flaws, his fears. In these moments, he is able to separate his ego from authentic-self, and to pull out his truths, which lead him to self-betterment. It's in those moments of holding up a mirror to self that he seems himself flawed and human, practicing kindness as he learns about himself, gradually making changes.

It’s like- what causes you more pain?  The parts of you that you don't love? Or the negative energy when you resist those parts? I often think the second. It’s the fact that you’re keeping it bottled up inside and resisting instead of letting that out. It's okay to have those parts of you. It’s part of the human experience. 

If I were to describe Ryan to others, the first word I'd use is "kind". As we discuss in the pod, kindness, especially on men, is often seen as a weakness. But he shuts down the idea.

Feeling shouldn’t be something you’re ashamed of. It’s a beautiful thing of life.  It should be something you feel totally comfortable with. I feel like guys feel similarly when talking about crying, in that you’re not supposed to be crying. ‘You’re a guy.’ I think it's beautiful to see anybody cry. Because it's just a real reaction to things. To see men cry is a really powerful and important thing.

It's a rare thing to hear from a man, let alone a man in the broadcasting industry, let alone a man who works in and around sports. But that's Rukes. He's a learner. A listener. A curious soul. Like me, he looks to use all that he soaks in to help others in their personal journeys. 

TY Ry. For your openness, your kindness and your willingness to listen. Your insight and lessons-learned are what the world needs to hear more. Grateful to have been able to focus on you the human vs. you the label (broadcaster, play-by-play, man, etc.).

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"Can i use a great Star Wars quote I love? ‘The stronger you tighten your grip, the more star systems slip through your fingers.’ I love that. The more you try and control, the less you control. That’s an analogy I try to come back to and I have to remind myself of all the time."

 CONNECTTWITTER: @ryanruoccoINSTAGRAM: @ryrukes 

 

PODCASTR2C2 Is UNINTERRUPTED

EPISODE NOTES:

R2C2 Is Uninterrupted Podcast 

YES Network

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21. KACEE MUST | Founder of Citizen Yoga, Business Woman + Yoga Teacher

IN THE UNKNOWN with Alyonka

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HERE'S WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW.

“A trauma as a child is a need not being met. In that moment. You disconnect from yourself. You disconnect from your needs, your body, your mind, your intellect. So the answer to all trauma is reconnection. A reconnecting back to self.”

Kacee is the Founder of Citizen Yoga. She is an entrepreneur. A business woman. A Yoga Teacher. A student of Philosophy. Those are some of her labels. She's also been labeled skinny, intimidating, honest, and sensitive (too sensitive). However, like most of the people on the TELL YOUR STORY Pod, she is not defined by labels.

“There are very few labels that I overly identify with. I try to decide to be more than a label and to live my life in some ways more measured but also less reactive to what people place on me, and more proactive to who I want to be.”

In the suburbs of Detroit where Kacee and I grew up the community is small. Wo when someone amongst our peers makes a large impact, their name becomes household. Kacee is just that. Because she's built and is continuing building a successful business, but also because in the way she conducts her business, herself, and her interactions with anyone who comes in her door. 

“Say Hello. The courage to look at somebody and say hello, to me, is so gratifying. Why. Can’t we do that more?”

Say Hello is a recent mantra for CY. It was created by the community but it stems from Kacee. In some ways, I assume that she would have benefited from the phrase during her darkest days. During her years at Northwestern, she suffered from depression. She later lost her sister to suicide. Afterwards, she embarked on a journey to India.

“I think I was running from my sister’s death and the loss of my family dynamic. I didn’t feel connected to anything so I was sort looking for the answer to why I was suffering. That would be a reason I left.”

Friends were flabbergasted by her desire to leave. But she felt she needed to find something. However, upon return, it felt like her void had not been filled.

 “I think in my head I had a promise of deep transformation and actually it didn’t happen when I moved back home. That was sort of a bummer. 

Kacee speaks openly about her suicidal thoughts, in fact, she speaks openly about the entirety of her story. Like me, she believes there are valuable lessons to be learned in our suffering which allow us the opportunity to share with and teach others. 

I’ve had my own suicidal thoughts. Those are definitely apart of my story. Especially after college I had some serious suicidal thoughts. After I moved home from India, as well. I think that’s important for people to know. Because I don’t have that anymore. Truthfully. When you do the right work for an extended period of time. There’s no quick fix. Philosophy is not a quick fix. It takes time for it to sink in but we have to be patient enough to allow for all of those changes to occur.”

Although she claims that she is still a work in progress and there is much for her to learn, in my eyes, she is a more or less, complete person. Someone who is individually whole, grounded, still, at peace, and in wonderment of the world. From here arrive incredible pearls of wisdom, ones that if Oprah got her hands on, she'd shout "tweetable moment!"

“You can’t take a spiritual journey or a professional journey to get to the end of something. Cuz the end is the end. And then you’ve missed all the good parts. It’s a combination of looking forward to and having an ideal of but also learning how to extract what already exists. Like, what’s important about what already exists. It’s such a good balance.”

I'll let you listen. So beyond grateful for this amazing conversation. Thank you, Kacee.

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“The insanity of us is: in the beginning we’re so excited, in the middle we want it to be over, and at the end we cry about it being over. So there’s no enjoyment in the process itself. In some ways we think that enjoyment just occurs, or appreciation occurs. Appreciation is not a natural state for us. Appreciation is something you have to train yourself to feel. You have to learn how to extract it. It’s a faith thing too. See. You can’t see what’s to come. But if you know that you’re doing the right thing in the present moment then it’s going to happen. Then, once you get there, it will be like it never wasn’t. I think we just are a little impatient in our own process of wanting to be at the end. It’s the same thing with a partner. You long for a partner. You’re like, ‘I want to meet the man of my dreams’. And then you meet them and you’re like, ‘that’s all it took?’ And then you have them and you can’t remember a time without them. I think we just are a little impatient in our own process of wanting to be at the end.”

CONNECTINSTAGRAM: @iamcitizenyogaINSTAGRAM: @citizenyoga  WEBSITE

https://www.citizenyogastudio.com/

EPISODE NOTES:Kacee's TEDTalk

Dr. Gabor Mate on Tim Ferriss Podcast

Brene Brown on Belonging

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20. DECLAN MICHAEL LAIRD | Actor + Mental Health Advocate

IN THE UNKNOWN with Alyonka

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HERE'S WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW.

“It’s very important on a daily basis to check yourself and realize what you do have in your life and be grateful for it.”

Declan's an interesting character. In that, he's an actor, so by default he's a character. He can switch in and out of accents. He plays different roles. Different careers. Different, well, characters.

“Growing up I always loved movies - loved movies. I saw them as an escape, probably because when I went to the cinema and I was watching a movie, your mind shuts off for two hours and you’re not thinking about anything else and I used to see it as an escape. I used to watch the movies and think, I could do that! I could act like that. I could be that character.”

When I first met him, I assumed him to be a budding producer. After all, he came into the VICE offices to pitch something to our team. In my haste to be prepared for the meeting, I googled the guy. Actor. Football player. Scottish. Producer? I don't get it. Which one am I dealing with right now. That was me, then. Fearful of The Unknown. Wanting to set myself up for success. Playing my cards right. 

Last summer, as I was freshly embarking on my Recovery, Declan's instagram profile popped up. Mental Health Advocate. Hmph, I thought. Was that always written there? Or had I not paid much attention to it. Selective Learning. We miss a lot when we're trying to predict the situation and its' outcome. 

I reached out. We talked on the phone. He told me his story, similar to the one you'll hear on this podcast. Raw, Transparent, Honest, Vulnerable. All the things I was striving towards. It's funny, right? How much choice we have in what we see? It was there all along, that Declan character, but I didn't want to see it. Perhaps, couldn't. But I could see him now. Clearly.

We set a date and in the summer of 2017 we recorded this pod. I edited it a few weeks back, the content even more relevant than before. Now, with 25 Workshops in my belt, I have spent enough time with Men to fully understand the gems Declan was throwing my way.

Like this

"The conversation needs to be opened up to things like mental health. To things like addiction. Because nowadays, especially with social media, the rates of depression, bi-polar disorder, of any of these inner turmoil conditions that people are facing are going up dramatically."

And this

“Things like social media - no one puts the truth to what’s going on. It’s a highlight reel of their life, of their very best moments of every day, or every week, or every month. People then start to compare their insides to other people’s outsides and I think that’s a very dangerous place to be.”

And this

“My friend might call me and say, ‘hey how are you doing’ and you tell the truth, you go, ‘you know what man I’m actually having a really shitty day’ and that person on the phone goes ‘fuck so am I’, and you talk about it together on a real level. Then suddenly you get on a level where you’re a lot more comfortable talking about it with everyone.”

There's plenty more. His life trajectory is quite fascinating, filled with characters, roles, changes, ups + downs, and most importantly, failures.

“Not being excellent in everything that you do is okay. Nobody’s excellent at everything. Nobody’s great at everything. And constant failure is the key to success.”

I'll let him take it from here.

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“There is a kid, like me, who is getting off the plane today - who is alone, who is a little scared, who doesn’t know what he’s doing - every single day in Los Angeles. And I what I definitely make sure to do is when I meet people like that, I put my hand out and I introduce myself and I make them feel completely welcome. I’ll give them my phone number and I’ll say if you’re ever feeling lonely or if you’re ever feeling doubt - just call me.”

CONNECT

 

TWITTER: @declanmlaird INSTAGRAM: @declanmlaird FACEBOOK: @declanmlaird IMDB: Declan Michael Laird

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19. MADDIE FLANIGAN | On Loss + Grief, Building a Business + Failure as a Must

IN THE UNKNOWN with Alyonka

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HERE'S WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW.

It's the very exact flaw Maddie carries which made me feel seen when I needed it most.

"Too open with people at first. Be careful with who you let in."

It's that, right there, which saved me. I had just moved to Fort Lauderdale, Florida. I was in 7th grade. I knew no one in the state. No one in the town. No one at my new Catholic School. I was just starting my transition into becoming a woman and fresh off of a year of home-schooling. I was nerd-central. Not in the cute way. In the socially debilitating way. I did not fit in. And I didn't know how to find my place in this new space. In comes Maddie. Smiling. Kind. Taking me straight under her wing. Open. I never forgot that. 

I saw her a few times thereafter. Majority of what I knew about her was cultivated through the narrative of social media. I knew she became a brand maven of sorts. Super photographer, in-house graphic designer, blogger for Urban Outfitters, Antrhopologie + Free People. Then there was sewing, and sewing kits, and teaching. Then I found Madalynne Intimates.

“At my core I’m a problem solver. People are always like how are you so creative? How do you get so much work done in the day? I’m a problem solver. So whether it is sewing. Whether it’s photography, graphic design, whatever you throw at me, that’s what I’m made out to do. You give me a problem. I want to solve it. I’m a creative problem solver.”

Maddie is killing it, I thought. Really. I was so impressed. I did not, however, remember an artistic side when we were kids. That's when I read about her Mother's breast cancer.

“I remember saying to myself she’s probably not going to be alive in a year. At the moment I just couldn’t imagine what my life would be like without my mom. It’s just like how would I live without my right arm? You know? At the age of 12 my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. We didn’t talk about it much when I was a teenager but I think it was still subconsciously there. When I was 17 her spine collapsed and she passed away two weeks before my senior prom of high school. ”

How does one move through grief and make it to the other side?

“My motto in life is that I just keep going. I just keep going. My Mom died but okay, it’s a new day. The world doesn’t stop for you. And no offense, I don’t mean to sound pessimistic but the world really doesn’t care about you. We’re so wrapped up in our own lives. You just keep going. You just put one foot in front of the other because those days are limited. The more that you grieve and stop living, you’re wasting time and nobody - nobody - can give you time. Nobody.”

After her Mother's passing she found her old sewing machine. And then she found Mishka (you'll hear a lot about her) and that was that. To say the least, Maddie is pragmatic. She has no time for bullshit, negativity, or wasteful energy. She clears house, making way for positivity and light.

“Anybody who doesn’t bring me up and support me. If this is a parasitic relationship rather than a symbiotic. It’s funny. I just won’t respond to your texts. I just won’t answer your calls. I will literally remove you from my life."

She has many life hacks of the sort. We talk about mastering failure and rejection.

“I think one of my biggest strengths is that I really don’t care if I fail. I just don’t. I fail 90% of the time. It’s just the 10% I succeed gets recognized. Failure, to me, is a learning opportunity. So if you fail - what happens? You try again or you try something different.”

About adhering to a schedule which allows for meditation and decluttering the mind. And most importantly, how to STEP INTO THE FEAR - like, FULLY embrace it. Hug it. Love it. And to know that you'll come out okay.

“I get paralyzed when I feel like I have no options or when I don’t have control. But there are always options. If Madalynne doesn’t work out what do you do? You go get a job. Okay. So I have a plan B. Just knowing that I felt like I gained control back and I didn’t feel paralyzed about uncertainty.”

You get the drift. Like I said- Maddie has no time for bullshit. And this podcast is for people who are looking to make a change in their life. "You decide," as she puts it. So listen up and learn, and then start Living!

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“I feel that the only person that’s going to help yourself is yourself. Even if you have a therapist or if you have a support system. they’re not going to fix you. They’re not going to help you. They’re going to be there to listen but it’s up to you to make the change. It’s up to you to move on.”

 CONNECTTWITTER: @mmadalynneINSTAGRAM: @mmadalynneFACEBOOK: @maddiemadalynnePINTEREST: @mmadalynneYOUTUBE: @madalynne WEBSITE

www.madalynne.com

EPISODE NOTES:

Bra-making workshops: click here.

MADDIE'S TOOL KIT

1. Life is a choice.

 

2. If you don't like where you are, move. You are not a tree. 

 

3. A flower doesn't think about competing with the flower next to it. It just blooms.

 

4. What you allow is what will continue.

 

5. A million likes will never be enough if you don't like yourself.

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18. JULIE STEWART-BINKS | TV and Radio Host, Sports Reporter + Feminist

IN THE UNKNOWN with Alyonka

Download

iTunes: click here.

HERE'S WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW.

How do I say this? Julie is not your typical girl. Or maybe she is. I'm not sure. But there is certainly a perceived perception of her, and then there's the Truth. The real Julie. The one who's willing to show up as herself with flaws, mistakes, and lessons-learned without recoiling back into the safety of her on-air personality. She's learned things the hard way, the difficult way, and in a very public way - remember "the Gronk lap dance incident"?

“When it first came it out it was like, wow that was pretty edgy and crazy. And then It was women coming after me in droves. Saying that I had essentially ruined journalism for women. Feminism. That I was disgraceful. And it was really difficult to read.”

Although there were difficulties, she's come out of it victorious in that she's learned a lot about herself. And now? Well now she knows who she is and because of that, she is unapologetically herself.

That is why I'm attracted to her story, to her work, and to her truth. That is why this conversation happened. And that is the lesson here. Never judge a book by it's cover. There are always two sides to a story - if not three.

“Some people came to me and said, why wouldn’t you when Gronk said ‘oh give you a lap dance’, say no? I said, say no?! Are you kidding me? I would have been fired in that commercial break.

In that idea that you can’t handle that I guess. That sensitivity or having a boundary is a negative.”

Women have been pinned against one another for far too long, and we've stayed silenced out of fear of losing our jobs. The more we compete, the less we accomplish. And it's time that we all do a better job of listening, and looking into facts and personal stories, before we cast judgement for what is perceived.

“Regardless of how you felt, it was an entire gender that came after me. Not one single person even reached out to me. No one called. No one messaged. No one nothing before writing articles before jumping to conclusions about the type of person that I was or the type of goals I had. To even know that there was so much behind the scenes.”

Even when that judgement is seemingly rightful, it's almost always better to practice compassion, kindness and empathy first. At least in the book of Alyonka.

Julie and I recorded this podcast in the Barstool studios in NYC. Barstool is her new home. Controversial, yes, as they're known for their bro-tastic culture of sports, booze, women, and sex. Their CEO? A woman. Although the office is filled with men, Julie is adamant about Barstool's environment being one which encourages and supports women. 

“So the irony of the situation is that although people might see a place like Barstool, because it is predominately dudes, as being a frat, as being all these stereotypes that we see…ironically, it’s the FOX Sports 1’s and the ESPN's that almost put women in a smaller role. Here [barstool] they’re saying: do whatever you want. Be a big personality. Have a platform. Whereas, if I tried to do those things [at ESPN] they would say, 'no, you can be the sideline reporter. You can be the host that gets to ask Skip Bayless and Shannon Sharpe a question and then you lay out for five minutes.' You don’t have the opinion in that show.”

As a former employee, it's a bold statement. But it's an important one and something that isn't getting enough attention. It's statements like these that will create cultural shifts and changes. Silence kills. Silence continues unjust behavior and societal norms. Julie is fighting that by speaking out.

 “When you walk by guys warming up behind the scenes and they all stop and whistle and slam their sticks on the ground - is that harassment?

Yeah. That is harassment if you don’t feel comfortable walking by athletes you’re going to cover because they’re going to whistle at you. That’s not appropriate. But some people would say, well that’s just how they are. That’s just part of the job.”

There's fun in this conversation too. It's not all about #metoo and #timesup and being Feminist AF. We talk about Julie's upbringing, the relationship with her family, her parents' divorce and its' effects on her dating life.

“I’m starting to think more about it [the divorce] now as I try to have relationships with men. I haven’t really dated a whole lot of guys. Why do I have a hard time getting close to people? I’m starting to realize that I think it’s because of that. Probably slightly abandonment issues.” 

She has deal-breakers. She's also fiercely independent. Career focused to a fault. I found myself in a lot of her story. And that's why this conversation is important. Because, at least for me, if I hadn't gone through all the changes I've made in the past year, this would have never happened. I would have remained in my competitive, distant self, unable to see Julie as a fellow human, a fellow Woman, and a fellow being. I would have seen her as my competition. That saddens me. However, it also fills my heart with warmth because it's proof that ALL OF US WOMEN have the capability of loving each other and fighting for one another, and creating supportive communities where we can thrive and grow. 

So, thank you Julie. You might not know this but I'm a fan of you on and off air. And I think we need more Women like you. I stand beside you, trusting your story and your truth. Keep doing you.

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“This one woman - whom I’ll never ever forget - wrote this article about me in the Chicago Tribune, Shannon Ryan. I forgot the title but it was like: disgraceful, disturbing. Basically saying that I was setting women back. That I had no morals. That I was a floozy that ended up hurting journalism for women.That hurt my feelings so much because anyone who would even talk to me or know who I was, would know that that was the antithesis for everything that I’ve been my entire life.”

CONNECTTWITTER: @JSB_TVINSTAGRAM: @juliesb_FACEBOOK: @jsb989 ONLINE

Julie Stewart Drinks

Barstool Sports

EPISODE NOTES:

The Chicago Tribune Article by Shannon Ryan

'Sexism on the Sidelines' Article

The Gronk Lap Dance

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17. LEAH VERNON | Model, Speaker, Writer, Muslim Feminist + Body-Positive Activist

IN THE UNKNOWN with Alyonka

Download

iTunes: click here.

HERE'S WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW.

Photo Courtesy of Jenna Belevender Photography

Sometimes, life brings in people when you least expect them and they become the exact person that you need most. That is Leah V for me.

We met at a diner in Detroit. Rose's Fine Food. I grabbed us a table. It was in the early stages of my Recovery from my Eating Disorder and so I sat nervously glancing through the decadence that was the menu. Pancakes. Bacon. Eggs. All of it looked good. None of it I could have. Yogurt, I thought. I'll just do yogurt. Leah came shortly thereafter. "Thanks for checking on the bathroom situation. I have IBS, you know. I've always got to make sure an establishment has a bathroom in the case I need it." Interesting, I thought. She doesn't know me and yet here we are talking about what I would consider a very intimate subject. "You're welcome."

Leah grabs the menu. She takes a gander. The waitress approaches, "what'll it be?" "Yogurt for me! Leah?" "I'll have the pancakes, eggs (not too runny, not too dry), bacon." She looks at me, "I'm hungry." My stomach dropped. I probably am too. The waitress leaves us. "I wish I could do that. That is my dream meal." "You'll get there." And we switch topics into what turns into a two-hour conversation.

You'll get there. That subtle, yet strong phrase has stuck with me since. I, like Leah, can overcome anything as long as I put my mind to it. 

Flash forward 7 months later, Leah and I find ourselves in the Podcast Room of the Detroit Foundation Hotel, looking into each other's eyes, as we dissect her Story.

“I never felt like I belong. I remember being very young and feeling like, do I belong here?

What is my place on this earth? Why am I here?”

Me too. 

“Being dependent on other people is a no-go. And don’t trust people. People are out to get you. I had that mentality growing up really hard because I didn’t know any other way. That’s what I was taught. That’s what I saw my mom doing. She didn’t ask for help. She’d rather struggle than ask for help.  But within that struggle that we put ourselves through we’re destroying ourselves. I didn’t know that so I took on the same thing - like, you needed help? you don’t say anything - You just suffer silently.”

Me too.

“Right now my Truth would be to dive into The Unknown even though you’re, like, super knees buckling, like, I wanna throw up type of fear. Do it anyway. I tell my platform that a lot and I tell my close friends, do it anyway even though you’re scared. Because the things in my life that I have been totally fearful of have been the best decisions I’ve made in my life.”

Me too.

That's the Truth of Leah. All labels tossed onto her - MUSLIM, FEMINIST, BLACK, WOMAN, FAT - she lets fall by the wayside. These WORDS do not define her anymore. Now, she challenges these labels, proving that every human being is allowed to be exactly who they are.

This didn't come over night. After a bad divorce, Leah hit her lowest of lows. 

“I was not eating. I couldn’t sleep. I had, not thoughts of suicide, but thoughts of like, why am I here? What’s the point? No one’s connecting. I don’t connect with them. I have no value. So why am I taking up space on this planet? And I’m going to admit myself to the psychiatric ward. It’s the worst feeling you could ever have to be at the lowest of low. Where you’ve lost everything. Where you don’t see anything good for yourself for the future. You don’t even see the future. It doesn’t exist.”

Reaching out for help, Leah called the Muslim Family Services, where a Somali woman picked up the phone and pulled her out of herself. She saw Life once more. Hope. That is the Power of acknowledging others' stories, truths, flaws, pains, and traumas.

Now, she uses her story, her voice, to shine light on issues that are not nearly talked about as much as they should be. She provides a voice for the unheard. She lends an ear to those who need it most. She bares her soul because within there is the Power of Healing. That is the significance of Leah stating those very simple words to me, "you'll get there." She, unlike me, believe in me. She, unlike most, believes in you. I am humbled and honored to call this gem of a human my friend. Thanks for sharing your Story with me and my listeners.

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Photo Courtesy of Nicole + Daniela Photography

“As I got older I started to be like, okay, so he’s not that good of a person but I still wanted that connection with him. I kind of want a Father but he’s abusive when I go over there. I’d go over there still. I never told my mom that he fat-shamed me. I never told my mom that he bad-mouthed my religion, or made me feel uncomfortable. I never said anything. I don’t think she knows to this day because I thought, she wasn’t going to allow me to go over there anymore, and I’m like, I need a father.”

Photo Courtesy of Eric Puschak

 CONNECTTWITTER: @LeahJVernonINSTAGRAM: @lvernon2000FACEBOOK: @leahvernon20 WEBSITE

http://www.beautyandthemuse.net/

EPISODE NOTES:

Body Image Post from our Photoshoot

She's got a book coming out SOON. 

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16. JESSE ISRAEL | On Mental Health, Meditation + the Power of Community

IN THE UNKNOWN with Alyonka

Download

iTunes: click here.

HERE'S WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW.

Our conversation begins a couple years back during an intimate dinner of friends (his, not mine) where we found ourselves sitting together, discussing his future and what it would look like.

Nearing his 30's, for a person watching from afar, it seemed to me that Jesse, like his group of friends, had it all. In his early 20's he started a record label. On the side, a tech venture studio named Cantora. Then a group called The Cyclones - nothing to do with music - it was a cool kids bike club. Then a burger club. Yes, a club for men to gather round great burgers and to engage in conversation. I suppose, from afar, one should have been easily able to label Jesse as a gatherer. A social animal. A leader of sort, who found pleasure and purpose in bringing people together for meaningful experiences. During that dinner - i'll blame the glass of wine - I was unable to envision his future and next steps. Jesse, however, didn't need to know. He trusted the Process. I wasn't yet ready to understand the meaning behind that powerful statement.

“I didn’t know what I wanted to do next. All I knew is what I didn’t want to do anymore. I really just had two forms to my compass. One was, I know what I don’t want to do. And the other was, what feels right in my gut and my heart. I had a period in my life where my friends were really building dynamic careers for themselves. Buying second homes. Starting families. And in many ways I felt just like I was naked and jumping into the abyss.”

So he jumped. First creating Medi Club - a meditation workshop for all types and levels of meditators - which then evolved into The Big Quiet, a MAJOR production and event, consisting of a MASS meditation held in incredible spaces around NYC. Jesse, of course, credits this new chapter in his life to, you guessed it, his meditation practice.

“My meditation practice really allowed me to listen to and act on  that thing that said: it’s time for the next. It wasn’t a person. It didn’t come from someone else. It was this thing right inside of me that I was able to hear and listen to and honor.”

There has been much written about Medi Club and The Big Quiet, so I focused instead on Jesse the Human. We spoke about the significance his Grandfather "Pa" had on his life, in particular, the words he said to him before he passed, "here I am in my final years and my regret is that I wish I had pursued my dreams more."

Jesse took it to heart:

"When I was thinking of leaving my company, Pa’s words really resonated deeply. I was able to tell him the last time we talked, just the day before he died, that because of his words I had made change in my life and in my career.”

We speak about masculinity and his evolving definition and his incredible attention to detail as it pertains to the definition, which has allowed him to step into leadership roles, guiding Men in the very same conversation he was seeking.

“When you have the space to talk, when you have a circle to talk about  what you’re challenged by or what’s coming up for you, or how you don’t feel like you’re enough in certain ways and you realize that other men go through it as well, it starts to melt. That (anxious) feeling starts to dissipate when you realize others go through it with you."

Of course, Jesse is human. Like all of us, he still carries self-doubt, and questions his path at times. But that's where the magic happens. For in those spaces, we are given the opportunity to practice kindness, to cultivate awareness, and to step back into ourselves.

"Being gentle with myself because I think that it’s really easy for me to go to a place of feeling like I need to be crystal clear about my purpose. More times than not, I’m challenged by the process and wanting to know what’s around the next bend, and how I’m going to get around the next bend. I’m wanting to control elements of where I’m going and how I’m getting there. When that happens it’s unenjoyable. Life starts to become less colorful when I’m in a place where I’m so focused on arriving, that I’m not able to appreciate the process of moving and growing and evolving, like we always are, at every moment.”

Now that's Vulnerability.

I'll stop yapping and suggest you simply Listen. There's a lot here. Too many quotable moments to mention. And as I mentioned in the intro of this episode, listening back to this conversation happened at the very moment I needed it most. Trust the Process, Alyonka. Okay, I will. This will help you do the same.

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“I’m never the only person in the room who feels like I’m not enough. Most people -  despite what it seems in regard to their careers, their relationships, or their new baby, or their new home, whatever - are experiencing some sense of lack. Not everybody but most people.Part of what I really feel called to addressing in my work right now is that because we are not speaking about these things and because there isn’t permission to communicate about these challenges, specifically around feeling like we’re not enough in comparison to others. We don’t realize that other people are going through things like we are and that’s incredibly isolating.”

 CONNECTTWITTER: @jesseisraelINSTAGRAM: @jesseisraelFACEBOOK: @bigquiet.nycMEDIUM: @jesseisrael website

http://www.bigquiet.nyc/

EPISODE NOTES:

BOOK RECOMMENDATION:

The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida

THE BIG QUIET | MASS MEDITATION

THE CATERFLIES VIDEO (must watch)

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15. TARA LIPINSKI | On Success at a Young Age, Trusting Love, + Reinventing Yourself

IN THE UNKNOWN with Alyonka

Download

iTunes: click here.

HERE'S WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW.

As of late, Tara Lipinski has been making the rounds talking about her incredible Olympic Gold Medal Winning moment on pretty much every national television morning show possible. The reason? She's heading to South Korea for the 2018 Winter Olympic Games as a host for NBC. This is Tara 2.0. Or, maybe it's 3.0. Could be 4.0. Point is: this woman is never one to shy away from a momentous opportunity to start a new chapter in her life. Wildly aware of when to step away from something which no longer serves, unlike most, Tara sprints into the Unknown, ready to conquer any road she finds herself on.

“It’s been 20 years. I almost feel like I’ve lived a second life. I’m glad I sort of accomplished all my goals at such a young age that it forced me to shed my skin and start a new life."

Of course we know her as the young faced beauty who scored Gold 20 years ago...in fact, I start this interview speaking about that moment, fresh on my mind, as I watched her win on YouTube - a moment I hadn't seen since the day it happened live. Goosebumps is all I can say for two reasons. 1. The confidence, poise, and strength she carried at such a young age. 2. How had I not brought this up with her before!?

We met when Tara was still living in NYC. She, like I, was single and dating. We met for dinner and drinks, talking about everything but skating; relationships, men, women, vulnerability, strength. I had been bewildered then that she was nicknamed Tara the Picky. 

“I landed the nickname picky. If you know yourself as a woman you kind of know your boundaries and what you want and what kind of life is going to make you happy and by 30 years old, I knew what I wanted in a guy. And I wasn’t gong to settle."

This attitude then is still the reason now that I love speaking with this Woman. She is unapologetically herself, she knows what she wants, and she'll make it happen, one way or another, whether that's in her professional or personal life. 

We speak about her figure skating career, of her working for and winning an Olympic Gold Medal, and touring as a professional skater..

“I did miss out on all these milestones that most people get to experience. But I had this obsessive drive to be at the rink every day. It’s all I needed. I had a relationship with skating. I was in a full-time relationship with skating. It was a love-hate relationship but it was something that I wanted to do and wanted to pursue so badly.”

But then, more interestingly, we move through the transition of Tara the Girl into Tara the Woman...

“I realized, oh my god, I’m so behind in real life. It was hard. I was so completely lost. Finally my Mom called me and she was like, Tara, you cannot go to the rink anymore. That’s over. Figure out your life. You’re smart. You’re outgoing. Go out there and experience it.”

Experiencing life for the very first, especially when she made a choice to move to New York.

"It was so nice to be like screw it! I want to make friends and I want to go out and I’m going to date a lot and I just don’t care. It was this very freeing, fun couple of years for me.”

And then there's her recent marriage to Todd Kapostasy. I'll let you listen to how things evolved with them. Hint: trust the process and lose the butterflies.

This truly is two girlfriends having a conversation about life and what it means to be a modern woman in today's society. Thank you Tara for sharing your Story, your Truths, and your Flaws. You're imperfectly perfect just the way you are!

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"The greatest thing about Todd is that above all things in my life he makes me happy. I realized that none of my success, none of the exciting work projects, none of that means anything without that connection and that love that I found.”“So many people said that to me ‘oh when you don’t think about it that’s when it’s going to happen'. What’s funny is that I always thought about it because I knew it was something that was missing in my life."

CONNECTTWITTER: @taralipinskiINSTAGRAM: @taralipinskiFACEBOOK: @taralipinski WATCH

NBC Interview / 2018 Olympics

WEBSITE

http://essentiallytara.com/

EPISODE NOTES:

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