Jingle Bells, Tapan yells, takes us down a peg, the temp of veal makes Mike squeal and Josh is a dunk tank, hey! That’s right, folks, it’s time for our first Instead Of holiday special. Also, Tapan gives new meaning to the phrase “like father, like son,” Josh gets his comeuppance, and Mike shuts the fuck up.

Pairings: an adorable puppy with a big red bow on it; Weird Al’s virtuoso accordion classic “Angry White Boy Polka;” some sort of penis cloth

Brought to you by Kepler, the cutest dog on Instagram: @kepseattle

Instead Of has spread love and shedded red blood over whack crackpot tall tales with a lack of tact like a smack-talking mack daddy Jack Black attracting flak racking up fat stacks in a blackjack comeback to bankroll his black Cadillac.

Tapan aims blame at gaps in lame names on maps of lands with bland crap that sounds the same. Josh chimes in with prime advertising rhyming within and stumps his cohost chumps with talk of frumpy Trump's fair jeering at bear hearing. Mike's depressing confession raises pressing questions over his ongoing solitary obsession.

Brought to you by Munchies, kind of.

Pairings: hustle, flow; opinions about cheese; the paw-dacity of hope

Here at Instead Of, we don’t like to think of ourselves as smut-peddlers. That said, in this one we direct the most rule-heavy porno ever filmed at sea, Josh terrifies you to orgasm in the world’s most existentially horrifying theme park, and we—very sexily—fire Tapan as show CFO. Tune in next week to learn about a cool dog who everyone really likes.

Pairings: a 2-liter of cotton candy Faygo; shitty clothes and shoes; a fashionable bicep workout

We ain’t cheesin’ this week, folks. We ain’t cheesin’ one bit. We’re coming at you crust-first with another classic Instead Of foodie episode. Josh flings cat food all over his apartment, Mike has the tiniest, fluffiest Thanksgiving, and the boys stumble into Seattle’s most delicious underground fight club.

Pairings: Something to push the poop and guts out of the worms before you eat them; no robbers at all, ever; a cat!

Just a fair warning, everybody: We do some crimes in this one, and it gets pretty hardcore. Tapan takes his driving talents STRAIGHT TO JAIL, Mike is rude to someone who WORKS WITH CHEESE, and Josh learns to play the SOUSAPHONE.

Pairings: An odorous Limburger; a sound-proof condom; incredulity in spades

We get our druthers this week, and you know what that means: Slander! Libel! Thumb-fives! Just kidding, what we really do is invent a really personal and cruel version of Baggage, catalog the fauna of Florida, and read our very first on-air advertisement (its great you’ll love it).

Pairings: transatlantic floaties; a secret handshake; a record deal for Tapan, hot damn

Sup, ya jerks! In this one, Mike gets a weird boner for a dragon, Tapan hiyups it up at The Moth, and Josh literally stalks an iPhone X. Here’s a fun listening challenge: can you detect the subtle undertones of incontinence running throughout the episode?

Pairings: Official Instead Of chili gloves; a Spamburger; blood red contacts

Hey, it’s week 19! In honor of this, our milestone 19th episode, we just kind of happened to nibble on a couple of nostalgic topics, including: that old chestnut where you fall off a Razor scooter, getting stung by a bee in the face, and baking desserts against your friends way before Paul Hollywood, piercing as his gaze may be, ever laid eyes on anybody’s bake.

Pairings: the hottest new position in the sex game; no shirt, $12, and a ride to Target; shawl pain ointment

Special shout-out to all our Mandela Effect fans—we really bump it up in this week’s timestream! Tapan goes on a one-dog adventure in a seven-horse town, Josh is definitely way smarter than Adam Sandler, and Mike is literally the only person who gets to have a cliffhanger in the post-credits sting (stick around, they’re great).

Pairings: a pair of righteous danglers; Pepto Bismol (please send it c/o Josh); seriously, all you need is a potato

As the old saying goes, it’s not how many times you fall down that counts, it’s how many times in a row. We’re up to some classic highjinks in this one: Tapan’s on his geisha grind, Josh pulls a great prank and we all laugh, Mike tells a non sequitur about clowns, and we learn just what the heck Black Sabbath was talking about all this time.

Pairings: Heaven and Hell; an infrared jammer; some gum I guess?