Topics discussed on today's episode include: Taliban Threatens Girls Who Code, Not Doing Social Media 6 Months in, Marvel Match-up and more!

Airdate: 08/18/21 - https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1122027607

Jack Allison was curled up on the floor of the production van, rocking back and forth and hyperventilating, thinking of a better life than this.

“It’s all wrong man, this is all wrong. I can’t do this man.” He croaked on the verge of tears. The van door was open and daylight filtered through the leaves of the giant oak onto Jack’s puddled form.

“Jack..” Came a patient voice and he knew his producer Van had knelt beside him, half in the open van door and half out. “Look at me.” Jack felt his face in gentle hands move until his watery eyes met Van's. “You can. And you have to, we don’t have very many fans anymore. We have to land this, the exposure could be immeasurable. ” “It just feels wrong man. This isn’t my life, this can’t be my life. Shooting these fucking videos for only thousands of views? Thousands of dollars? I barely make rent. My body is falling apart man, I—” Jack broke out into heavy sobs, and through the glassy haze of his tears saw Van stand up and throw his hands exasperatedly, and soon Dr. Fuzz—part production assistant, part traveling therapist—was at his side. “Shhh, shhh, shhh. It’s okay Jack.”

“It’s not okay Fuzz, this is not my life. Doing this shit? It’s not my life, it can’t be it—“

“No, Jack. Those are called intrusive thoughts, remember? Remember what we developed to handle intrusive thoughts?”

“Bacon-wrap the thoughts?”

“Bacon-wrap the thoughts, that’s right. Gobble it up.” At Fuzz’s prompting Jack chomped down on an imaginary food. Satisfied, Dr. Fuzz clapped Jack on the shoulder. “Now let’s get out there and do a show.“ In a few moments, Jack found himself on his feet and trekking across the church’s parking lot with the crew. Once inside he excused himself to the bathroom and cleaned up as much as he could. When he had finished with that he put on the suit hanging for him off one of the stalls and departed. He reconvened with his crew in the lobby and as they began the short walk into the main area of the church, he was stopped by a man in a suit who was lurking by the entrance. His eyes were bloodshot and rimmed with red.

“I just want to thank yall for doing this.” The man sniffed. “Hayden is...was, such a huge fan of yall's. I know he’s just looking down now. Happy as a clam.” Jack, gave the man an assured smile, shook his hand, and gave him a comforting clap on the shoulder. “Sure thing.” He said.

By the time Jack joined up with the rest of the crew, ring lights and cameras were already set into place, around the attendees who were already there. Jack eyed the two caskets, center-lit, and took his place next to them ready for his cue. When it came and they started rolling, he instantly snapped into his persona. “What’s going on mother f-ers welcome to Meal Broz, I’m Jack Allison and you already know what the F- it is! We’re here in Houston at the funeral of one of our biggest kid fans, Hayden Carter. Awww—!” Jack pushed out his lower lip and used his fists to mime rubbing tears away— “Press F to pay your respects!” After he said this, the production had to halt for several minutes. As one of the funeral attendees,—Hayden's mother apparently— had to be removed from set for sobbing too loudly. But when they came back up Jack was still in his element. “So you know we had to send ya boy off in style. Behind me is a child casket fulla’ meats!" Jack gestured to the first casket. "We’re gonna cook up every one of those bad mama jamas and stuff em into Hayden’s open casket before burial.” Jack gestured to the second casket. “Talk about meat-ing your maker!”

“Cut!” Called Van and Jack dropped character. “That was perfect Jack! Okay let’s get a 360 on the child meat casket.” Jack watched the production team go to work all the while thinking, of a better life than this.

The narrative shownotes for this episode were too long to post via normal channels. So if you're a show notes reader. Feel free to join the Jackam discord, locate the jackam-shownotes-archive channel, and read today's notes!

Topics discussed on today’s episode include: Mall Mondays, total Defeat in Afghanistan, America’s Total Defeat At Covid and more!

Airdate: 08/16/21 - https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1120008930

They made way for him. This way and that, boys suddenly clearing their throats and looking down, stepping out—spilling out— to the sides of him, his periphery. Some even pressing up against their own lockers as he strode past. The boldest among them attempted affirmative head nods and opened up with other opportunities of physical validation. But fists remained un-bumped, hands remained un-dapped and the hopeful lights in their eyes were cast downward, as their efforts brooked no change in that calm face as cool as ice.

The girls performed their own rituals but were no less desperate in their performances, some attempted to walk alongside him books clutched to chest, chattering away, fidgeting, tucking locks of hair behind their ears with a forefinger in one smooth C-shaped motion. Smooth like he was. Smooth like the tinted surface of his reflective black lenses. Showing images of the world around him and if you made the mistake to look. Caught yourself distorted, round, imperfect in those blackened pools well then, that was your problem.

Nobody could keep up with him, and it was only a matter of time with his long strides. That time always came sooner rather than later and eventually the hangers-on could do nothing but sigh, swoon, or curse their cowardice to his back, which was shielded from their affections with a blue leather jacket not worn, but hung by his crooked forefinger angled over his right shoulder. It swayed as he walked. Steady, timely, like a pendulum. On his way, he passed by a freshman. The Reign machine had eaten the little man’s dollar. Much like him the vending machine appeared unshakable, at least by the hands of this kid. So he stopped his stride for a moment and with his body still facing forward, took a few gliding steps backward toward the machine. The freshman was too upset to notice his presence yet and was startled when one swift donkey kick backward was all it took for his Reign and several dozen more to come tumbling out of the reception chute.

In no time kids were gathered scrabbling for the few cans left, and when the freshman withdrew from the fracas to thank his savior, clutching an ice cold Reign to his chest, his good samaritan was already too far down the hall to be seen.

“Aw shucks how am I going to carry all of you?” asked Jack Allison of all his books. He was a freshman standing before his locker farther down the hall. He was speaking to a rather large stack of Star Wars EU novels he had over zealously selected from the library. The stack was higher than head-height. “Well, you know what they say, leave no book behind!” and then Jack artfully kicked the locker shut with a foot, and spun around to walk right into a force of nature. Jack, his glasses, and his books went everywhere. Dazed, slightly blinded and on the ground, Jack didn’t know what hit him, but he could see and think well enough to know a stranger was knelt down beside him, gathering his books. “Thank you intrepid hero, what do I call thee brave sir?” The stranger handed Jack his glasses and he hastily fixed them to his face.

“Van.” said the stranger and Jack balked, eyes wide. He scrambled backward on his hands.

“V-V-Van? The B-b-bad boy of producing!?” “Just a name little man.” said Van and he stood, the fluorescents above caught the silver rims of his sunglasses. He turned his back to Jack, blue jacket swaying over crooked finger. Jack stared up at him in awe as he strode away. Then shook his head and shot to his feet.

“W-wait, Mr. Van, sir, dude!” Van stopped without turning. “ I think..” said Jack “I think maybe we should work together!” Van laughed, though from anyone else it would have been considered a breathy exhale.

“You know what little man...” said Van as he turned, extending a hand. “I like your style.”

Topics discussed on today's episode include: Gavin Newsom, Free Guy, Afghanistan Withdrawal Deployment, The Ongoing Infrastructure Week, Notes from Van and more!

Topics discussed on today's episode include: Ted Lasso Can't Save Us, Chris Cuomo, and more!

Airdate: 08/11/21 - https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1115008355

Be sure to check out YB's new show!: Thisisatruestory.com

You’re unsure of what compels you through The Wreath, perhaps it is the pull of a dream half remembered tugging at your thoughts daily with its own peculiar gravity. Or perhaps it is a type of knowing, a truth endemic of your very self. The kind that you had once held in your waking mind, and when the trials of this world came mounting and you began to change, it too had shifted fell through your brain like water, soaked through into thirsty bones. Thirsty like the rest of you, like the rest of us.

And so it was. With your bones to guide you—wrapped in flesh, wrapped in a thick still-suit worn to protect from the heat of the outside. You mount your machine, with it’s twin vulcanized rubber wheels (each with a melting point of 200°C), and shoot yourself across what's left of the I-5, weaving out and around the burned out and melted husks of vehicles on the scorched and cracked asphalt toward Burbank. Toward The Wreath.

Nobody knows how The Wreath is able to exist. It formed just as it is now, a giant enduring ring of flame a mile high and twenty miles in diameter, birthed one night during the first bout of major climate disasters that shook the Northern Hemisphere. And after a string of the worst wildfires in California history, The Wreath simply came to be. Unquenchable, indomitably it sits just ahead of you now encapsulating the city of Burbank in its entirety, a hellish physical enforcer of county lines.Your bones guide you, they gun the throttle and your machine lets out a throaty howl of delight. As you near the giant wall of fire, the hammer blow of intense heat is absorbed by your still-suit but you feel a few beads of sweat trickle down your brow behind your goggles anyway. You’re close now, but something moves off to your right, somethings you realize as you blaze past. Your stomach drops: B.R.U’s Body-Water Reclamation Units. The robotic creatures unfurl themselves and charge dog-like after you. They’re after your urine, and you don't have nearly enough to pay all the back taxes you owe. So you take a breath and yank hard on the throttle, straight through the wall of flame.

Inside is a hellish maelstrom of sound and color. You switch coolant dispersal to manual, and flood your machine with just the right amount to keep going as you cut through the inferno.

On the other side of the fire is a single building left untouched, no flame, nor decay, nor any other visible damage has touched this building. So you park your machine and make way to the double doors of the building. ‘Welcome To The Burbank Marriott’ reads the sign out front.

Click. The unmistakable sound of a weapon being cocked, and the unmistakable sensation of a weapon pressed to the back of your skull.“My name is.” Says the voice the weapon belongs to. You’re confused and you say that. The voice just repeats, “My name is...” And suddenly you remember. The knowledge in your bones begins to circulate, make rounds to your head now, your heart. And it’s all you can do to keep from crying. “Kokopeli, that's me.” you whisper. And the weapon is withdrawn replaced with a friend, who leads you into a small room in an underground shelter underneath the Burbank Marriott. In the room is a door with a red light above it, next to a very old man in a wheelchair hooked to a breathing apparatus that sounded like the ocean.

“Price of admission is 0.5 liters” croaks the old man and you walk up to the receptacle. The old man looks pointedly away from you as you dispense even though genitals aren't involved in this, even though the urine is kept in a pouch inside your suit. But some things, some people, are just polite. You empty your pouch in the receptacle, watch as it filters through the tubes, coming out as clear blue water at the end. A light above the door turns green with a buzz and the old man says. “Welcome to Bugcon 2050. We’ve been expecting you.”

The Cuomo brothers were confident that their natural charm and affability could sway any crowd, and it was with this confidence that they chose to perform before one stunned silent.

“15 Counts?” asked Chris Cuomo, “I mean come on this Jabroni can't even count that high!”

“Oh that high, huh?” Replied Andrew Cuomo, who thumb-pointed toward his brother. “He’s gotta be high if he thinks he’s smarter than me!”

“That’s what separates you and me big bro, I think!” Chris tapped his head for emphasis.“Therefore I am, betta’ than you!”

“Why You—!” said Andrew and before a shocked crowd, put his brother in a headlock and started to give him an affectionate noogie. He stared up at the crowd then, mouth agape in a panting smile that asked, get a load of us huh?

With his head still under his brother’s armpit, Chris addressed the crowd. “And what’s all this about assault? Look at this mook, he can’t a-salt anything, not even his own gravy!”

“Oh!” Andrew said and dropped the headlock. He took a few steps back and thrust his hands into the air, kept them spaced apart like a football goal post. “You’re gonna hurt an Italian’s pride talking like that, what’s a matter ‘witchu? Ma might be out there!”

“Yeah, out there’s right!” Replied Chris, “Like when I’m at his house and he starts cooking, I’m out there!”

“C’mon wiseguy!” Said Andrew and he put his fists up and pumped them in a way that evoked the image of the fighting Irish.

“Come on old man!” said Chris, and they both put up their fighting Irish stances, really committing themselves to the act. Bobbing and weaving, and placing fake jabs.

They went on like this for several moments before Chris went in for what seemed to be a real punch to Andrew’s face but at the last minute, the fist slowed and converted to a closed hand with two fingers sticking out, pointer and middle extended like a pair of scissors. Which Chris used to poke each of Andrew’s eyes simultaneously. Had the demonstration been a cartoon, the poke would have no doubt been accompanied by a doink! Sound.

“Yowch!” cried Andrew who stumbled back theatrically, temporarily blinded. Unrelenting in his assault, however, his brother Chris finished the act by yanking Andrew’s pants down to his ankles —red heart boxers exposed to every silent soul in the crowd.

Andrew made a yelp at this and pulled his pants back up. His sight returned to him a few seconds later and with full visual clarity restored, he returned the favor by poking his smug-faced brother’s eyes and pulling his pants down in much the same manner. When Chris finally recovered his sight and pants and all, he returned the favor to his brother who in turn re-visited the assault on him, and so on and so forth for several, long, excruciating moments. And during this all, not a soul beyond those two made a sound.

The ordeal would have lasted much longer had the duo not been interrupted by three sharp cracks from a Judge’s gavel.

“ENOUGH” commanded the stern-looking judge. “Gentlemen return to your seats, or I will have each of you on contempt!”

The brothers returned to their seats, heads low.

The judge then motioned for the clerk of the court to repeat herself, free now of any future interruptions on the threat of being held in contempt. “Thank you, your honor,” Said the clerk and she cleared her throat before continuing. “The ladies and gentleman of the Jury find, Andrew Cuomo guilty on all 15 counts of sexual assault and sexual misconduct—”

Topics discussed on today’s episode include: Eviction Wave, eBay Pinkertons, The Luv Guv, Pod Save The Internet, Slashing Pandemic Plan, and More!

Airdate: 08/03/21 - https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1106804344

Topics discussed on this episode include: Fuzz Moves In!, Eviction Moratorium Over, Matt Damon, Obama's Martha's Vineyard Birthday, Jacks Cooking Kitchen and more!

Airdate: 08/02/21 - https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1105788005

Topics discussed on today's episode include: Tiny Toon on Other Tiny Toons, Black Widow vs Disney, Bernie Panders, House of Gupdate, Notes From Van and more!

Airdate: 07/30/21 - https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1102772983

Topics Discussed on Today's Episode include: Infrastructure!!!!, Kids In Cages Covid Outbreak, Pelosi On Canceling Student Debt, Newsome Recall Gaining Steam and more!

Airdate: 07/28/21 - https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1101736079