Jaffa Takes

Episode covered: The Torment of Tantalus

Kree to all of you cool jazz cats (?), and welcome to this slightly 40s-infused Stargate episode. This week, remember Catherine? From the movie? We check up on her and her old boyfriend, whom it turns out oops, we may have possibly stranded on an alien planet 50 years ago. Our bad.

So we head there and what do we find? Lore! Piles and piles of lore! More lore than you could possibly absorb in a lifetime, not that it’s gonna stop Daniel from attempting the archive binge to end them all. Literally, as it turns out, as everybody’s favorite humanities experts starts to err on the side of fuck my life if I can just get to all this content. Out of this adventure, we get a slight consolidation of two separate plot threads from past episodes (not that you’d know this yet), the first allusion to a BIG plot thread for later down the line, and we learn literally everything we’re ever gonna know about the Furlings. Except their name. Which I just told you. You’re welcome.

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Episode covered: Thor’s Hammer

Kree, mortals, and see the mighty Thor smite the enemies of Midgard! This week, Daniel comes up with a theory that has some, PROBLEMS, regarding which gods are good and which are bad, but then it turns out to be 100% accurate. Oops. So Teal’c knows about this one planet the Goa’uld are afraid of, which the team immediately decides is worth a visit. Turns out, oops.

We’ll talk about the Asgard and the Unas, the weird blind spot this security system has for Jaffa, James Earl Jones’ stunning but short performance, thunder on a nice sunny day, Daniel and his wife guy energy, and we’ll court SEO by giving you our impressions of the recently released Thor: Love And Thunder. Also, we ran into some audio sync issues in this podcast, so you might hear some overlapping talk or awkward silences, apologies about that.

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Episode covered: Brief Candle

Kree everyone, and let me tell ya, it’s really hard to talk around the fact that O’Neill fucks a baby in this one. Just gonna put my cards on the table right now about this. Someone went hey, we should have Colonel Jack O’Neill eat a roofie flower pizza and then accidentally have sex with a baby. Then he turns into a prospector and they spend 40-something minutes talking about it.

Over the course of this terrible episode, we’ll also discuss the fact that Dan-El sounds like a kryptonian name, we’ll question how the Argosians can possibly learn anything or have a functioning society in the short lifespans they have, we’ll also notice how quickly they are to turn their entire belief system upside-down as soon as an angry colonel tells them to, and we’ll point out that Pelops is Lovin’ It.

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Episode covered: The Nox

Kree with us, SG-1 and Apophis to a magical forested fairyland where everyone’s favorite Ferengi will tell everyone that he would really like if they all just got along already and stopped it with all the fighting. Please leave our planet. Please stop dying and killing us and just leave. For the love of— LEAVE, SG-1, GOD DAMN IT.

We’ll also talk about the frankly unreasonable secretary of defense, Shak’l’s lovable shittiness, the Air Force’s advanced level 3 fletchery training regimen, the Nox’s frustrating and confusing principles, their mysterious technological level, how Teal’c can possibly not know about Apophis’ personal shield, and how Apophis straight up tortures a child to death in this episode.

Daniel Jackson death count: 2

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M, Jimmy-Dean and special guest Jack take over the show to talk about the first episode of everybody’s favourite Vancouver filmed 90s Sci-Fi tv show about Wormholes. That’s right, Sliders (1995).

We talk about Jerry O'Connell’s surprisingly extensive career, bad physics and the physicists who take no responsibility, the friendzone, why more sci-fi needs washed up Motown singers, half remembered plots of other Sliders episodes, systemic societal problems that have not changed since the 90s and CONTROVERSIAL OPINIONS. They left three very digressive people in charge of the show, I don’t remember everything we said.

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Episode covered: Cold Lazarus

This episode is so sad! Seriously, it wrecks me every single time. This week, Stargate SG-1 tackles grief, and deals with some real heavy, complicated human emotions, relationships being torn apart by tragedy, guilt, and hiding your emotions behind a sense of humor as a man who’s been raised not to show weakness. It’s a lot!

But fear not, we also get Carter and Daniel being some total nerds who spend their weekend at the office doing science, Teal’c really desperately wanting to see the sights and sorta getting his wish (and his first funny hat), we discuss the distance between Chicago and Cheyenne Mountain and O’Neill’s frequent flyer status, and Jimmy-Dean mentions The Boys and I hear The Voice and go on a nonsensical tangent. I was pretty tired towards the end there. Big week-end.

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Episode covered: The First Commandment

And lo the Lord spake, Kree my children, and welcome to Stargate’s very blatant, let’s say homage, to the classic war novel Heart of Darkness.

Meet SG-9, or what’s left of it, after their leader has gone absolutely bugnuts, killed their Daniel, had their Carter go along with it, and had their Teal’c just barely manage to call for SG-1 to come bail them out of both their Jonas Hanson problem and their Bad Sun problem. We’ll get to see the sky turn orange, enjoy a lot of scenery-chewing, see Teal’c try and fail to seem friendly, and in a question-raising first, see a horizontal Stargate.

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Episode covered: The Broca Divide

Ooga booga kree, cavespeople, and wonder as our heroes once again bring something dangerous back home through the gate! It won’t be the last time.

This week, we also meet Dr. Fraiser, see an interesting astronomical phenomenon they don’t do anything interesting with, and Daniel gets really into the bulls, phrenology, and getting his face mauled in repeatedly. Plus, please stop calling Teal’c Lucy, that is plainly and evidently not his name. Please.

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Episode covered: Emancipation

Kree, I’m gonna level with y’all, it’s a real bad one. An absolute dogturd of an episode. We got Mongols and they’re sexist as hell and it’s even worse than you think.

But we have a good time dissecting this particular pile of puke, in large part because Shang Tsung is in it. But so’s a lot of assumptions about non-white people and the threat they pose to white women, Daniel being a real shithead in the name of anthropology, bad gender assumptions copy-pasted on a culture it didn’t fit, good cute puppers being dubbed over with angry dog noises, honor fight to the death genre blindness, and Teal’c asking what an Oprah is.

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Episode covered: The Enemy Within

Kree! (means Listen, and is not the name of this Goa’uld) This week, we conclude the opening run of arc episodes leading us to the show’s initial status quo, with a very sad, grim episode. Everything kinda sucks right now. The Goa’uld are mean, the Pentagon is mean, everyone is mean. Teal’c is good though, even though this week he might have good reason to wonder if maybe joining with these Tauri was such a good idea.

Topics will include 90s CG computer scanners, the startling lack of security in the control room, the now weekly So Just How Do Stargates Even Work Anyway, Daniel being a so very sleepy sleepy boy, and we’ll treat you to our very good Bill Clinton impressions, lucky you.

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