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Mirror, mirror on the wall…Who’s the fairest Of Us All?

The answer to that question, is definitely Miss Julia Roberts, who plays Snow White’s (Lily Collins) evil stepmother/queen, in director Tarsem Singh’s new film, ‘Mirror Mirror’.

Ms Roberts absolutely nails the part.

In fact, she is the only reason, to see this remake of the classic fairytale, but she is one good enough reason. I think this is one of her best performances in a long time.

For those of you not familiar with the story…Yes, it is possible…Snow White’s daddy, the king (Sean Bean) disappeared one dark and stormy night…maybe it snowed, but in any case, he was never seen or heard from again…

The king’s wife, aka the evil one, has been ruling the land ever since and, has all but destroyed the kingdom and its people.

You see, Miss Queenie is your basic narcissist…obssessed with her looks and size 2 figure. I’m sure we’ve all run into that type once or twice…

She’s also verbally abusive to Snow, who really doesn’t seemed all that bothered by it…until…

Snow finds out that the Queen, has bled the people dry, by taxing them to the hilt. Hey, spider venom is expensive…and this Queen needs a ton of it.

Okay, so Snow, unbeknownst to the Queen, sneaks out of the palace and heads for town. Miss White wants to see for herself how bad things really are.

Well as fate would have it, Snow runs into…none other than…Prince Charming…(aren’t they all).

And of course, she meets…The Seven Dwarfs…but they’re no longer the seven little guys we’ve come to know and love. For some reason, they’ve been renamed…Gone are Happy, Dopey, Sleepy, Mopey…etc…They’ve been replaced by…Grimm, Napoleon, Pint-size, Butcher, Chuckles, Grub and Wolf…If you stay past the credits, you will find out why…

Does this new take on ‘Snow White’ work? Yes and no…Visually it’s beautiful…Loved the sets and the costumes.

Armie Hammer as Prince Charming is…charming…Nathan Lane as Brighton, the Queen’s punching bag man-servant is fine…Nathan does Nathan and that’s always enjoyable.

Lily Collins (daughter of Phil) is slightly bland as Snow. I would have liked her to bring some quirkness to the part.

‘Mirror Mirror’ is a bit edgier and hipper but unfortunately it misses being a ‘Shriek’ or even a ‘Princess Bridge’.

However, the film is still fun and at times funny. So if you have kids, are a kid, have a kid inside of you, then ‘Mirror Mirror’ which opens in theatres Friday, March 30, 2012, is the perfect movie to see this weekend.

I gave it 3 bagels out of 5 and John…the other half of ‘Two Jews On Film’ was, as usual, less generous. Check out ou

So what’s a demigod to do when all he wants, is to live a quiet life with his son, and do a little fishing, but his daddy has other plans for him?

That’s the predicament Perseus (Sam Worthington) finds himself in, when a war breaks out among the gods. Families…Can’t live with them…Can’t live without them.

Seems Perseus father, Zeus (Liam Neeson) has been kidnapped by his brothers Hades (Ralph Fiennes) and Poseidon (Danny Huston) and he’s being held captive in the underworld, where his bad ass dad, Kronos, is sucking the life out of him.

To make matters worse, us humans, being the fickle creatures that we are, have lost interest in the gods causing them to lose their power….Sort of what happened with the t.v. show ‘Desperate Housewives’.

Anyway, if Perseus doesn’t help rescue Daddy Zeus, all hell will be unleased on earth. We’re talking…when monsters attack…and these are some really ugly monsters, with way to many arms and extremely bad breath.

Luckily Perseus has Poseidon’s half son, fellow demigod, Agenor (Toby Kebbell) along with warrior Queen Andromeda (Rosamund Pike) to help him on his quest to save big daddy.

Along the way, our little group meets up with the fallen god, Hephaestus (Bill Nighy) and a few gigantic Cyclops with major anger issues.

Basically in my opinion, this film plays out like one long video game. There are obstacles to overcome, creatures to defeat, mazes that need to be manuevered and…well, you get the idea.

Some of the 3D effects are pretty cool and even though I haven’t seen the first film, ‘Clash Of The Titans’, I’ve heard that this one is supposedly better.

‘Wrath Of The Titans’ was directed by Jonathan Liebesman, the same dude who directed ‘Battle LA’, another film I wasn’t crazy about either.

This movie opens in theatres Friday, March 30, 2012. I gave it 2 bagels out of 5.

As I mentioned in our video, my favorite part of the film was Pegasus the winged horse. Check out our video to see our version of Pegasus and to find out what John thought.

I’m sure by now almost everyone is familiar with the story of ‘The Hunger Games’. The book was the first in a trilogy written by Suzanne Collins and all three novels have been on the bestseller list for several years.

But for those people unfamiliar with the story of Katniss Everdeen, the 16 year old girl who competes in The Hunger Games….

The time is…the future.

North America is no more. Instead we have a nation known as Panem…which is broken down into 12 districts…These districts exist to provide goods for the wealthy people living in the Capitol. The Capitol is run by a heartless dictator, President Snow (Donald Sutherland). His only goal is to keep the people of the districts in line..aka enslaved.

Apparently 75 years ago, give or take, the districts rebelled and as a punishment, the powers to be got the brilliant idea to create…The Hunger Games. So…

Every year, on Reaping Day, the 12 districts are forced to hold a lottery where they pick two teenagers who must fight to their death until…only one remains. These teenagers are known as ‘Tributes’.

Think ‘Survivor’ meets ‘Gladiator’.

When Katniss Everdeen’s (Jennifer Lawrence) younger sister, Primrose (Willow Shields) is picked for the games, Katniss volunteers to take her sister’s place.

Instantly, she and her new co-Tribute, the baker’s son Peeta (Josh Hutcherson) are whisked to the Capitol where they are thrown into a glamorous world which includes…

A total makeover, new ‘do’, new wardrobe, lots of delicious food, a luxurious hotel suite and…

Hours of gruelling training…How else does one become a warrior?

And most importantly…an appearance on live TV where Katniss and the other ‘Tributes’ introduce themselves to their public/potential sponsors. Sponsors are very cool to have because they’ll send you stuff during the game that could save your life.

All that said, ‘The Hunger Games’ is the story of one girl who must try to survive using her sheer wits and in the process, she comes to realize, that there is more to fight for than just herself.

Jennifer Lawrence is the perfect choice to play Katniss. She embraces Katniss’ strengths, her fears and in the end…her heart.

As I mentioned in our video, my only criticism of the film has to do with the fightning scenes. I think in going for a PG rating, the director Gary Ross, edited them in such a way that you can’t tell who’s fighting who…and by making the battles for the most part bloodless, it takes away some of the emotion and sense of horror that we’d experience watching teenagers fight to their death.

But I’m sure that ‘The Hunger Games’ will not disappoint fans of the book as well as those who haven’t read it.

The supporting cast is excellent…Standouts are…Woody Harrelson as the rarely sober Haymitch, the victor of the 50th Hunger Games and now mentor to Katniss and Peeta; Elizabeth Banks (Effie) the Escort/PR handler, Stanley Tucci (Caesar), TV host and probing official interviewer and Wes Bentley (Senecca) the appointed Gamemaker who has the power of life and death over the 24 young Tributes.

I gave ‘The Hunger Games’ which opens in theatres Friday, March 23, 2012, 4 out of 5 bagels. Check out our video to see John’s thoughts and find out how many bagels he gave this excellent film.

We are all connected…Everyone and Everything…Nothing is random…There are signs everywhere.

Don’t believe it?

Apparently you haven’t seen M. Night Shyamalan’s film ‘Signs’.

Jeff (Jason Segel) has seen it…many, many, many times. In fact, he’s obsessed with it. And so, Jeff waits…for a sign.

While waiting, Jeff spends his days, smoking pot and hanging out in his mother’s basement apartment where he lives.

Jeff knows he’s destined for something…He’s just not sure what that ‘something is’…But that’s about to change, after our slacker gets a telephone call from someone asking to speak to…Kevin…

It’s a wrong number of course, but Jeff sees it as a sign. He’s not too sure what to do it about the sign, until…

His mother, Sharon (Susan Sarandon) calls and sends him on an errand to buy glue.

What would you do if you had the chance to go back to high school and do it all over again?

Well, two bumbling rookie cops, Schmidt (Jonah Hill) and Jenko (Channing Tatum) get that chance when they’re assigned to the long time dormant 21 Jump Street unit led by the perpetually pissed off Captain Dickson (Ice Cube)

Their mission: Go back to high school and find the supplier of a synthetic drug, HFS that causes hallucinations and sometimes…death. Piece of cake right? Uh…not so much…

First, our pair, who actually went to the same high school, but travelled in very different crowds, soon find out that things have changed considerably in the last seven years since they graduated.

Jenko, ex Prom king/jock is now considered uncool…especially after he punches out a gay black dude…

And Schmidt – a super nerd, who used to dress up as an Eminem wannabe during his teen years, is now…looked on by his fellow classmates as…the cool one.

In fact, the two of them soon realize that everything is reversed…What was in is now out and what was out is…well you get the idea.

To complicate things even further…our guys, who are posing as brothers, screw up their names and therefore their class assignment.

Brainy Schmidt aka Chad is now assigned to the track team, and airhead Jenko aka Dave gets…chemistry class.

Watching Jenko experience high school from the other side (the unpopular one) is one of the funniest moments in the film and Tatum nails it in his comedic timing. He brings to his character a really nice vulnerability and has great chemistry with Hill….

As I said in our video review, I LMAO and I promise, so will you.

Rounding out the cast is the funny Dave Franco as the politically/enviromentally correct drug dealer, Brie Larson as Jonah’s would be love interest and Rob Riggle as Mr. Walters, a teacher.

Even Johnny Depp, makes a cameo appearance toward the end of the film which worked beautifully, considering it was the 80’s T.V. series, ‘21 Jump Street’ that launched his career.

‘21 Jump Street’ directed by Phil Lord and Chris Miller was written by Hill and Michael Bacall (Project X).

The film, which opens in theatres Friday, March 16, 2012. is not only hysterically funny, but it has great action, exciting car chases, romance and even a sweet message about friendship…And that is why I gave it 4 bagels out of 5.

Of course, John, the other half of Two Jews On Film had a slightly different experience. Check out our video to see what he thought.

Okay, so first I have to say that I loved ‘John Carter’, the Disney 3D SciFi adventure film directed by Andrew Stanton (WALL-E)…

The plot can seem slightly more complicated than it is…so I’ll just give you the main points.

First, there’s John Carter (the very handsome, Taylor Kitsch) a post Civil War Veteran who’s absolutely fed up with war. All he wants to do is find, a certain cave, that is supposedly filled with gold and spend the rest of his life far far away from any kind of conflict. Good luck with that…

While running away from the U. S. Cavalry and a band of Indians, John does find a cave…but not just any cave. This one happens to have a portal that goes straight to…Mars aka Barsoom. Well, there’s also this mysterious bald man that has this little gadget, but I’m not going to go into that. Don’t want to spoil the fun.

So in a blink of an eye, our hero winds up on The Red Planet. Except he doesn’t realize that right away. It’s not until John discovers that he can leap tall buildings at a single bound, that our soldier starts to get the idea that he’s not in Kansas anymore.

Actually what really seals the deal, is when John spots the 10 foot tall, skinny, green men with four arms.

These primitive and at times, super vicious dudes are called the Tharks and they’re led by Tars Tarkas (Willem Dafoe) They give John a potion to drink and viola…he understands their language. Same thing happened to me in Italy but my potion came in a Chianti Bottle.

When the Tharks see how high our boy can jump, they decide to keep him as a pet. Of course John has other plans. Especially when…

He meets a hot, sexy Princess Dejah Thoris (Lynn Collins) who comes from the Planet Helium. (There’s always a hot sexy princess, right?)

History lesson: Helium has been in war with the Zodangans for a very, very long time. The Helium people are the good guys…The Zodangans…Bad…Really, Really Bad. The Zodangans are led by the Evil Sab Than (Dominic West) who is hungry for power and hunger for our Princess.

There’s also these three mystery guys called the Therns, who are shapeshifters and trust me, they get around.

Still with me? Hope so because ‘John Carter’ based on Edgar Rice Burroughs serial novels, is a super exciting, romantic and fun film definitely…worthy of the four and a half bagels I gave it.

This film cost over $350 million and I know from the people I’ve talked with and some of the reviews I’ve read, people will either love it or hate it.

Watch our video to see which side John landed on on and how many bagels he gave to ‘John Carter’. The film opens in theatres Friday March 10, 2012 and I think, you will definitely enjoy the adventure to Barsoom as much as I did.

Three high school seniors throw a birthday party that spirals out of control and their lives will never be the same.

Okay, right off the bat, I have to say that ‘Project X’ directed by Nima Nourizadeh, written by Matt Drake and Michael Baldwin is crazy hysterical, outrageous fun and super clever.

I loved this film.

Shot in the ‘found footage’ style, it tells the story of three teenagers, Tom (Thomas Mann) Costa (Oliver Cooper) and JB (Jonathan Daniel Brown) who yearn to be ‘popular’.

Costa, who could be cast on the reality show ‘Jersey Shore’ puts together a party…but not just any party. Using ‘social media’…facebook, twitter, craigslist, to get the ‘word out’ this becomes an epic party or ‘party of the century’.

We’re talking…sex, drugs, topless gorgeous girls, an angry dwarf who punches guys in the groin (well, you can’t really blame him. He does get stuffed in an oven) a pissed off ecstasy dealer who sets an upscale residental Pasadena neighborhood on fire…and a killer soundtrack…

But besides all that…’Project X’ shows us what it means to be a teenager…wanting to fit in and realizing what really matters in life…

Yes, there are many over the top, outrageous scenes, brilliant editing, great camera work and most importantly…fully drawn characters. ‘Project X’ is an original for sure.

I gave this movie 4 bagels out of 5 and to my surprise, John was pretty close with his bagel score. Yes, Mr. Critical actually liked it. Check out our video to see what he thought.

‘Project X’ opens in theatres, Friday March 2nd. This is one party you don’t want to miss.

Things aren’t going well for married couple Linda (Jennifer Aniston) and George (Paul Rudd)

HBO has rejected Linda’s documentary on Penquins suffering from testicular cancer. They felt it wasn’t sexy or violent enough…And…George’s company has just been raided by the FBI. Oh…he’s also been fired.

To make matter worse, Linda and George can no longer afford their West Village ‘micro loft’ that they moved into two days ago. They were assured by Real Estate lady, Shari (Linda Lavin) that in today’s market, it was a steal. Of course, when they tell Shari they want to sell it, she laughs in their face…without moving a muscle.

So…now that our two upscale New Yorkers are broke and on the verge of being homeless, there’s only one thing left for them to do…

Get in the car and drive to Atlanta, Georgia where George’s brother resides.

What follows is a very long, and very funny car ride set to music. When the couple gets too tired to drive, they come upon a lovely little bed and breakfast to spend the night.

The place is called Elysium and George and Linda soon discover, this is not your every day B & B.

No sooner have they bed down for the night, when they’re awaken by the sound of drums. George wanders downstairs to investigate and he’s soon followed by Linda. What they find is…

A whole bunch of weird, wonderful, eccentric hippies having a party…smoking pot, dancing, singing and it doesn’t take long before George and Linda join the fun.

Of course when morning comes, they have to say goodbye to their new friends and head for…

Atlanta…where George’s super obnoxious, wealthy brother Rick (Ken Marino) lives with his angry son and alcholic, pill popping wife, Marissa (the very funny, Michaela Watkins) Rick is more than happy to give George a job in his Porta-Potty business, but not before rubbing his success in George’s face.

It doesn’t take long before Linda and George make a mad dash out of there and drive straight back to…

Elysium…where after a little debate, they decide that this place is home. A home that includes a very different life-style…that eventually makes Linda and George question…how free they really want to be.

Director and writer David Wain along with co-writer Ken Marino have populated their script with a lot of very funny bits as well as wonderful, colorful characters…including Alan Alda, Justin Theroux as the self-appointed Guru/ladies man, Lauren Ambrose, Kathryn Hahn, Malin Akerman and nudist Joe Lo Truglio, just to name a few.

Is ‘Wanderlust’ a film with a big, deep message…?…Not really, but it is a movie that will definitely entertain you. At least it did that for me and that’s why I gave it 3 1/2 bagels out of 5.

Check out our video to see how many bagels John, the other half of ‘Two Jews On Film’ gave ‘Wanderlust’ and what he thought of it.

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Okay, so we have this cute girl who meets a sexy guy for coffee and they hit it off. A few minutes later (give or take) the same girl, meets another sexy guy, and they also hit it off.

Now in any normal situation, the girl would probably date both guys, right? Well, in ‘This Means War’ directed by McG…that’s not so simple.

The girl is Lauren Scott (Reese Witherspoon) and the two guys are FDR (Chris Pine) and Tuck (Tom Hardy). They happen to be, unbeknownst to Lauren, BFF’S and…CIA operatives.

Lauren has a successful career as a senior product evaluator for a leading consumer advocate publisher. It’s really much more interesting than it sounds. She has a very cool apartment and her own BFF, Trish (Chelsea Handler). What Lauren doesn’t have is a boyfriend and…Trish is determined to fix that.

Trish signs Lauren up to an online dating service, and as fate would have it,…or at least the screenwriters, Timothy Dowling and Simon Kinberg, Tuck has also recently joined.

Tuck spots Lauren’s photo and he’s instantly hooked. They meet at the local mall for a quickie (date) and sparks fly.

After they say their goodbyes, a smitten Lauren wanders into a video store to rent a movie and…bumps into none other than…FDR. Note: The dude prowls video stores for women. It sounds worse than it is. Okay, FDR is a player.

Lauren and FDR also have instant chemistry. And….

What follows is Lauren trying to juggle both guys, and Tuck and FDR competiting with each other for her affection. And that’s where all the fun comes in.

I have to say that, what could have been perceived as, super creepy, is actually super funny.

Remember, these two guys are CIA agents…And what do CIA agents do? They spy…

FDR and Tuck not only place bugs, cameras and listening devices in Lauren’s apartment, so they can spy on her and each other, but they get their fellow CIA operatives to help them out in their…Who’s gonna get the girl first, mission.

Of course, you can’t have a spy movie without car chasses, kick ass fights and one or two nasty bad guys…Thanks to Henrich (Til Schweiger)an international arms dealer, who wants Tuck and FDR dead, we get all that as well.

Is ‘This Means War’ brilliant? Of course not. It’s not meant to be. But it is zany fun and yes…it’s definitely a chick flick. But one that guys will like as well…Especially when they see how romantic their date gets, afterwards.

Of course, that didn’t matter to John, the other half of ‘Two Jews On Film’. Check out our video to see what he thought and his bagel rating.

I gave ‘This Means War’ which opens in theatres, Friday, February 17, 2012, 3 1/2 bagels out of 5 because it made me laugh…a lot.

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