Joyfully Married After

What we're discussing today.

 

• "I said what I said."- Rules of Communication

• Question of the week -  Hey if you are married and your spouse doesn't tell his family what does that mean for your relationship?

• Doing it Well -A Sexless Marriage is a vulnerable Marriage 

 

3 Rules of Communication that leads towards connection.

Many couples make the mistake of assuming that their problems are due to poor communication.  That is not (or rarely) the case. Why do couples think this? Because someone told them, or they read it in blog…

But communication is merely the method of passing information. A pipe-a conduit. But it doesn't change the information you are moving.

The connection is the issue… not communication.

When we feel connection to someone we are more willing to hear their point of view.

Three rules:

 

• Seek to Understand

• Focus on the perspective of your partner.

• Admit any difficulty in understanding or explaining.

In this episode Heath and Tracy discuss

1. Getting your husband or wife back after separation.

2. Question of the week - "My husband is always checking for an Ex on Facebook, Is this a problem?"

3. Doing it Well - Kill the routine. "Inside or Outside?" 

Discussing the DO's of how to save the relationship, we talked about the DON'Ts last week. The first thing we want to say is NO Manipulation. There are many out there that make manipulative suggestions and we don't abide by ANY. It will only lead to destruction. Stay Calm, try not to be reactive. Panic is the enemy. You have to stay calm, even if your partner is not. There is no excuse to not control your emotions. Would you stomp into your boss's office and yell and scream at them? Probably not, but we do it with our partners all the time. We all choose how we are going to respond.

Be Consistent

Be Constant

Work on Yourself

Try not to separate

Slowly Reconnect

If none of this works you are still in a good place. You've worked on and improved yourself, reconnected with friends and family. Seen a therapist. You thought about what you want out of life, and how to handle crisis. This is good. If you don't get your marriage back on track it will at least help improve YOUR life. Try and we wish you great success!

If you enjoy this episode and it inspired you in some way, We'd love to hear from you and know your biggest takeaway.

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We want to invite you to contribute to this podcast. Help us by submitting a question for the Listener Question of the Week edition of Joyfully Married After. All you have to do is click http://bit.ly/VoiceMailtoHeathandTracy HERE and record a question (under 3 minutes or less) that could be featured on an upcoming episode!

What we're discussing today. 

• 5 Things NOT to do when your partner wants out of the relationship.

 

• Question of the week - "Is it appropriate for a married man to be part of private group chats with other men that share nothing but VERY pornographic/explicit videos and pictures of women?"

• Doing it Well  - Is it "Hump" day yet? Scheduling Sex

 

 

Two people marry more than each other – they marry a set of circumstances.52 Becoming aware of how their two worlds combine on a practical level is essential to making sure they don't collide on an emotional level. 

Booth, A., Johnson, D., & Edwards, J. (1983) 

Social - Financial - Expectations

Social- There are four aspects of a couples social world. Friends and Family Support - In- Laws Relationships -Level of Investment - Faith Community Page 49.

Financial - Money Style(Spender/Saver) - Budget Skills - Financial Fears - Debt

According to a survey by the American Institute of CPAs, more than 27% of people who are married or living with a partner cited money as the topic most likely to cause an argument. That makes it the most volatile topic for couples – far more sensitive than children, careers or friends.

Expectations - Roles

Perhaps the biggest piece of baggage that a person brings into a marriage is their bundle of expectations. Uncovering these expectations – especially the ones that are rarely articulated or even unconscious – is an instant insight for engaged couples. 

What is WellBeing? It is measuring the psychological health for both individuals + caution flags as well as the emotional health of your marriage together.

Why does it matter?Your relationship can only be as healthy as you and your partner.

What we're discussing today. 

• 5 Marriage Mindsets

 

• Question of the week - He is still on a dating website, but asked me to get off. What should I do?

• Doing it Well

 

 

Top of Mind

Mindset of our Relationships - every person brings a mindset to marriage - What they say, think, and believe when it comes to tying the knot. Basically it's your attitude toward marriage. You already have beliefs, thoughts, feelings and attitudes about the concept of marriage. If you know your marriage mindset it can reveal a wealth of information about you and the future of your relationship.

Research reveals that you have one of the five distinct marriage mindsets:

Resolute

Rational

Romantic

Restless

Reluctant

Why should you try to figure out your marriage mindset?

By identifying your Marriage mindset you can then compare to your partner's mindset it can reveal much about the probable course of their marriage.

 

Doing it Well - Is there a surefire path to her orgasm?

https://www.the-generous-husband.com/2017/10/14/sure-fired-path-to-her-orgasm/

What's next? Navigating Passion to Compassion

The good news is that if couples get past that two-year slump and hang on for an another couple of decades, they may well recover the excitement of the honeymoon period—at a most unlikely time: 18 to 20 years later, when their children have typically left home and, with the freedom of the so-called "empty nest," partners are left to discover one another—and, often, their early bliss—once again.Familiarity may or may not breed contempt, but research suggests that it does breed indifference. Or, as Raymond Chandler wrote: "The first kiss is magic. The second is intimate. The third is routine."

Sonja Lyubomirsky Ph.D.- When love is new, we have the rare capacity to experience great happiness even while being stuck in traffic or getting our teeth cleaned. We are in the throes of what researchers call passionate love, a state of intense longing, desire, and attraction. In time, this love generally morphs into companionate love, a less impassioned blend of deep affection and connection. The reason is that human beings are, as more than 100 studies show, prone to hedonic adaptation, an innate—and measurable—capacity to become habituated or inured to most life changes, positive or negative.There are evolutionary, physiological, and practical reasons why passionate love is unlikely to endure for long. If we obsessed, endlessly, about our partners and had sex with them multiple times a day—every day—we would not be very productive at work or very attentive to our children, our friends, or our health. When married couples reach the two-year mark, many mistake the natural shift from passionate love to companionate love for incompatibility and unhappiness. For some, the possibility that things might be different—more exciting, more satisfying—with someone else proves difficult to resist.

Top of Mind for US

Jeff & MacKenzie Bezos' Divorce - Billions won't fix this marriage. Sorry for a legacy lost.

Question of the Week

Q&A- What is your opinion on the MGTOW movement that has become so popular and the family court laws that have pretty much scared men from venturing into that union? Blessings to both of you. Glad to see a couple that has made it.

Dopest Couple in the World

The Carter's Beyonce' and Jay Z

Happy 11th Anniversary!

Doing it Well-

Try the "Pause and Rub" technique. Nothing wrong with Lube and toys either.

 

One Minute Word

Be the flame not the moth.

Giacomo Casanova

Variety may be the spice for Passionate Life

Injecting variety and surprise into even the most stable, seasoned relationship is a good hedge against such temptation. In a classic experiment by Arthur Aron and his colleagues, researchers gave upper-middle-class middle-aged couples a list of activities that both partners agreed were "pleasant" (such as creative cooking, visiting friends, or seeing a movie) or "exciting" (skiing, dancing, or attending concerts) but that they had enjoyed only infrequently. Researchers instructed each couple to select one of these activities each week and spend 90 minutes doing it together. At the end of 10 weeks, the couples who engaged in the "exciting" activities reported greater satisfaction in their marriage than those who tried "pleasant" or enjoyable activities together.

Surprise is apparently more satisfying than stability.

The realization that your marriage no longer supplies the charge it formerly did is then an invitation: Eschew predictability in favor of discovery, novelty, and opportunities for unpredictable pleasure. "A relationship," Woody Allen proclaimed in his film Annie Hall, "is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies." A marriage is likely to change shape multiple times over its lifetime; it must be continually rebuilt if it is to thrive.

Top of Mind for US

What's the point of getting married?

"The point of marriage is not happiness. The point of marriage is growth."

The growth that forces you to confront your weaknesses, insecurities, and fears is exactly what leads to the periods of happiness, trust, connection, passion, and commitment only a small handful of persistent and dedicated couples ever get to experience.

 

• Growth - Something that makes you better. If you don't grow, you don't feel alive.

 

Question of the week

My wife of 14 years doesn't want to have sex with me. When ever I bring it up we get into an argument and she yells..It's not her problem. It's my problem. I feel like she has some leftover resentment from things in the past. What can I do?

 

Dopest Couple in the World

Harry and Meghan - The Duke and Duchess of Sussex

 

Doing it Well

Ladies what does your husband want from you in the bed?

Smile

Be enthusiastic

Be playful

Get completely naked

Touch him down there

Try something new every now and then

Give him signals

Let go and enjoy. Let him please you

Help him please you by telling him what you like

Suggesting a new technique

Have fun!

 

One Minute Word

Develop a passion for learning. If you do, you will never cease to grow

--Anthony J. D'Angelo

Theme of the month

Passion

Definition of passion - strong and barely controllable emotion, the suffering and death of Jesus.

Being passionate is key to the marriage relationship. You can display passion about your life together, about the one you love, about specific parts of life; however the most important thing you should be passionate about is survival and thrift of the marriage itself. Be locked into what's best for the marriage as your north star and you'll always be lead to the proper place.

In 2003, American and European researchers tracked 1,761 people who got married and stayed married over the course of 15 years. The findings—confirmed by recent research—were clear: Newlyweds enjoy a big happiness boost that lasts, on average, just two years. Then the special joy wears off and they are back where they started, at least in terms of happiness.

 

Top of Mind for US

Nipsey Hussle (And Lauren London)

"...I have no words." -Lauren London

 

Q&A

What advice do you have for my husband and I in this season of marriage, being married 4 years with a child?

Came from our #tbt post on IG.

Married 4 years and still excited! Believe it or not, we still had PASSION and we were in the first growth phase of our marriage trying to figure out how to buy a house, buy a nice "expensive" car, not work a job and just be rich. We had strong FAITH and were Grateful for our status in life. Also we only had one child and you couldn't tell us anything!

 

Dopest Couple in the World-Jason Momoa and Lisa Bonet

Doing it Well-Try a sex pillow like a liberator for some fun new spins on sex positions! I'm about to order one!

One Minute Word

You may think the grass is greener on the other side. But if you take the time to water your own grass, it would be just as green.

 

Compassion- A strong feeling of sympathy and sadness for other people's suffering or bad luck and desire to help.

How to rebuild broken trust In any relationship, trust is key. You have to have it. It is foundational.1. If trust is broken, you have to rebuild it. If you don't, the relationship will probably wither away and die.

2. In order to repair it, you have to be open to keep the trust. Be open to rebuilding the trust in a way that helps the person who the trust was broken with. If you're the one who was hurt, it's key for you to compartmentalize your feelings and emotions, so that you can focus as best you can on the exercise of being open in the process of rebuilding the trust. "What does it mean as to how you will engage with each other? Do I need to be able to see into your phone? It's history? I may ask, "who are you talking with?" Where are you going? I may need to track your phone. You need patience, transparency, understanding, and the conviction to get through the tough, uncomfortable period, while working on it, until things get better. You're the offender and you have to take your medicine and help the other party feel better.3. Be prepared to talk about the offense, openly and honestly. What were you thinking? Have you thought about how you are going to handle your emotions and not do this again? What were you thinking? How frequently was this happening? What were you getting out of this? 4. Sometimes you may need professional help with navigating reestablishing trust. You may need a counselor, therapist or some type of professional advice to assist in getting back there...5. If there is fear anywhere, it will lead to a misuse of trust.

Q&A-Question of the week- Why should you have joint bank accounts when you marry?

Dopest Couple in the World-Todd & Kandi (Ace)

Doing it Well-Sex is a skill like any other. The more you practice, the better you get...

One Minute Word-Compassion is the keen awareness of the interdependence of all things.~Thomas Merton