Joyfully Married After

The best way to handle money in your Marriage

Begin with a plan to move your family and your future in building a legacy.

This is the way to solid finances.

1. You want to start with an abundance mindset. Not a scarcity mindset.
2. Be Ok, plan. Watch your spending on the necessities. Rent/Mortgage, Transportation and food. My dad calls it “Food, clothing and shelter. 
3. Be Secure. This is where you are going for the 6 months or more savings.
4. Build a Wealth plan. This is when you can have fun. Look for those deals to invest in. 
5. Meeting on a regular basis with your partner to go over your Philosophy and what are the goals and objectives you are moving toward. 
6. Stop keeping up with the Joneses. This is hard. Why are you buying this? Do you really need it?
7. Overspending. When you use credit, do you pay more than you would if you paid cash. 
8. Face the past bad decisions you have made. 
9. Lending money to friends and family. Does helping them change their relationship with money? Does it fix their problem? 
10. Credit Cards. Build credit with only 2 credit cards. Or are you trying to live beyond your means? 
11.  Student Loans- What is it going to really cost you? 
12. Figure out how to save your money. Pay yourself first. 
13. Talk about money as a couple. Come together. 

Marriage isn’t a fifty-fifty proposition. Conducting your relationship as a business deal will get you in a lot of trouble. Since we live in a competitive culture, we see things thru a capitalist lens, prompting us toward seeing things as quid pro quo or tit for tat rather than giving more freely and less conditionally. 

Instead of real giving of yourself, you see relationships as an investment, expecting a return,  and if you don’t get a return you feel resentment.

What you need to agree on: 

• Finances: Who is going to earn? Both? How much do we need? What is she makes more? What if he makes more? Who is responsible for paying the bills? 
• Children: Main Care giver, Main teacher, Main disciplinarian. Also decide What are we going to share at each phase. Baby, who wakes up, changing, feeding. Toddler, teaching, discipline Teen, Discipline, instruction. 
• Should be a team effort. Who is better at what?

When the flow of giving stops, both people suffer and the relationship suffers. The climate of the relationship deteriorates, and a downward spiral can spin out of control.

Ask yourself is your relationship person or is it transactional?

Figure out each other’s Love Languages.  

Our greatest joy begins to come not from getting what we want, but from seeing the delight in our partner’s eyes when they receive our offerings. 

 It is more important to meet His needs and Her Needs than to focus on splitting finances.

Focus on giving 100/100 to the RELATIONSHIP to maintain the connection and intimacy.

 What is a Healthy Relationship?

• The easy answer is that it looks different for every couple. However, I realized a long time ago that if we didn't grow up with parents who had wonderful ways of relating to one another, that there was virtually nowhere else to turn to find a healthy couple to learn from. 
• This leaves the ways that happy and healthy couples relate as secrets that many of us don't get to experience. 

Where This Comes From

The following principles are a combination of three lines of research on relationships. 

• The first is from something called relationship "minding", which was developed by Harvey and Omarzu (2011). 
• The second is from the Gottman Institutewhich studies how couples communicate and interact in positive and negative ways. 
• The third is from current attachment research from Will Meek Phd

But First  Unhealthy Relationships

• verbal and emotional abuse (name-calling, intimidation, threats, shaming, belittling);
• Financial abuse
• patterns of control and isolation; 
• violence of any kind; 
• violation of boundaries; 
• and emotional manipulation. 

If you are experiencing things like this in any of your relationships, I would suggest getting help right away to address it.

• Also think about a variety of relationships in your life
• a close friend, 
• your partner, 
• your ex, 
• a family relationship, 
• or others. 

Each point will work out differently depending on the relationship, and each may also reveal an area for improvement. 

Also remember that no one can do these perfectly all the time, and most relationships have issues in some dimensions.

8 Keys to Healthy Relationships

1. Taking Interest
2. Acceptance & Respect
3. Positive Regard
4. Meeting Basic Needs
5. Positive Interactions
6. Solve Problems
7. Rupture & Repair
8. Reciprocity

If you are doing the following things, you are cheating:

• If my partner asked me about my chats, comments, and messages to others on social media, do I hide some messages?
• Do you sometimes like to chat or message ex’s online?
• Sometimes, instead of going to my partner, Do you share deep emotional or intimate information with others online?

Do the above statements apply to you? 

Spending time with another person outside of your relationship is time spent away from a partner, which is one of the elements that affects judgments of infidelity. 

The top ways Social Media is driving you apart.

1. Time spent on Social Media is time NOT spent with your partner. 
2. Couples spend time on social media, even when they are together.
3. Social Media is the perfect opportunity for you to compare your partner with others.
4. Social Media makes you irritable and annoyed. This is the first sign of addiction.
5. Social Media makes it easier to go beyond what is normally acceptable.
6. Using Social Media to deal with relationship problems instead of facing them head on and talk about them.

Healthy Relationships vs Unhealthy Relationship

 What is a Healthy Relationship?

• The easy answer is that it looks different for every couple. However, I realized a long time ago that if we didn't grow up with parents who had wonderful ways of relating to one another, that there was virtually nowhere else to turn to find a healthy couple to learn from. 
• This leaves the ways that happy and healthy couples relate as secrets that many of us don't get to experience. 

But First  Unhealthy Relationships

• verbal and emotional abuse (name-calling, intimidation, threats, shaming, belittling);
• Financial abuse
• patterns of control and isolation; 
• violence of any kind; 
• violation of boundaries; 
• and emotional manipulation. 

If you are experiencing things like this in any of your relationships, I would suggest getting help right away to address it.

• Also think about a variety of relationships in your life
• a close friend, 
• your partner, 
• your ex, 
• a family relationship, 
• or others. 

Each point will work out differently depending on the relationship, and each may also reveal an area for improvement. 

Also remember that no one can do these perfectly all the time, and most relationships have issues in some dimensions.

8 Keys to Healthy Relationships

1. Taking Interest

2. Acceptance & Respect

3. Positive Regard

4. Meeting Basic Needs

5. Positive Interactions

6. Solve Problems

7. Rupture & Repair

8. Reciprocity

Each year Tracy and I go through this exercise to plan our year. We break it up into 2 parts. ( The first 6 months of the year and the second) 

Additionally we do this with each of our adult children as well to get them accustomed to reflection and goal setting.

If have a business or you're creating a brand, it's great to create a calendar for your content creation as well so you have dates and time frame targets to keep you on track...

1. Brainstorm Ideas-Business ideas, personal goals-I will drop 20 lbs by June 1st with a healthy diet and exercise while maintaining weight through December.

"I will complete my research and launch my podcast by March 1st."

1. Non-Negotiables- That truck will not sit in the driveway all year this year. It will be gone by January 31st.

"I'm not cooking 6 times a week this year."

1. How much will we make this year? I will make $300k this year. 

1. Look Back to Move Forward last year I made $100k. I gained 15 pounds, I got a new job.

"I wasn't as happy as I've been in the past or I found myself happier, etc."

1. How will we make money in 2021?

"I will earn 150k from my job with salary, commissions and bonuses. I will start a Shopify Store and net 50k. I will learn to do F/B ads and hustle on FiVR to earn $50k or whatever your answers are."

1. The year of exposure. Brought out the best and worst in our relationships. What we loved grew and what we hated grew. Go back to the beginning and remember what drew you to each other. Think about what happened. Don't play a blame game. Put yourself in their shoes.
2. Communication but start with how not what. What's the process to get us back to where we were. Focus on the process.
3. Be the bigger person. Be responsible for your emotions. Don't take it personally. It's time to be the responsible adult the room. Think present NOT past. That's easy to find receipts to fuel your arguments. Ask the question what can you do now?
4. Take baby steps and look for small wins and small improvement.

Focus on small acts of kindness. Boosts your mood. Do t be stingy with each other. You need some water?

Pay attention to your inner voice that creates distance. Don't listen to negative/critical voice on your shoulder. No self sabotage with the inner voice. Don't allow it prevent you from being vulnerable.

Be aware of fantasies you may form. An illusion of oneness vs 2 distinct people working together to create a great marriage. "We don't do this", "we don't do that"...instead of honoring differences and celebrating yin and yang; respecting and celebrating differences while working together.

Help your partner feel secure. Not all the focus on yourself. Breaks down empathy and understanding. How can I make them feel more secure? Cell phone not in bed? Are they feeling heard? Cutting down social life if she feels threatened by it. Finding the balance of feeling understand and balanced.

Willing to be vulnerable. We have a lowering tolerance for love than we think. Feel your sadness and stay vulnerable. Great joy comes with great sadness. It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

We are being asked your most pressing questions by Gary Jones of the "Get With the Program" Radio show. 

A key component that threatens trust is fear.

Our son's action earlier this week broke the trust and its primary cause was fear. 

Leaving the house without telling us was caused by " a fear that we'd say no".

A fear of missing out on some perceived fun with a buddy.

This action unknowingly broke the trust that was built up over the years.

Then avoidance and shame kicked in about what he'd done ✅ and he hid avoiding the consequences and confrontation.

This is a great analogy for primary or spousal relationships too.

1.Be open to keep the trust. The person who was lied to gets a pass to ask any questions, check phone, check whatever at anytime. This seems invasive at first but will minimize naturally with time. The person that lost trust needs to let this happen without getting in your feelings or retaliating.

2.Discuss items that bother you or that you're concerned with. Bring why you are suspicious and what the person vando to alleviate your fear.

3. Talk through issues even if you're scared or uncomfortable; you'll be so glad you did. Do this when there is no emotion involved. During basic tasks, cooking, running errands. Or just sitting down with a glass of wine or over dinner to talk thru it. Not being up and throw in the others face but talk thru the issue openly to take trust to the next step. Ask questions and answer them openly and without hesitation.

4.Get help. A coach, a professional, to walk through it with you if necessary.

5.Meet things head on and never hide from the challenges. If you've already gone down the wrong road, stop 🛑. 

Admit your wrong and work through it. 

You can do it. You can push through.