Joy@Work Podcast

When I was a young junior hotel manager, I knew it all. I knew everything about running a hotel, the restaurant, the kitchens, and the rooms. After all, I was studying for a degree in hotel management and had worked in every department. When a member of staff had a problem, I had a solution. When a guest had a question about something, I always had the answer. Not just any answer, I had the best answer! At the time I thought that I was a terrific leader. After all, everyone did what they were supposed to do and they did it quickly, or they faced the consequences, or I would yell louder until they got the message. I tell you, I knew every solution to every single questions, problem, difficulty. I was an excellent hotel manager and a total twat of a leader because I neglected to ask questions. Take a moment to think about one person in your life who was a great leader. Perhaps your boss, maybe a parent or an uncle. That individual who helped you grow and whom you willingly followed. I am completely certain that they asked you questions. See, there I go again, giving you the answer. So let me re-phrase that. This individual, who you remember as a great leader in your life, did they ask you questions? Are you listening, really listening? When your Doctor is listening to the slight murmurs of your heart, you know they need to listen real closely. Politicians and many bosses seem to have forgotten how to listen to the undercurrent of opinion. In this past year of 2016, we've witnessed a sea change in the world that has taken many by surprise. The rise of popularism in politics has placed Duterte in charge in the Philippines. We've seen the belligerence and nationalism in the Brexit vote, and now we have Donald Trump as President-elect of the US after a campaign that tapped into the desire of many in the US to overturn the establishment and blame anyone and everyone else for all that ails society. The more liberal voices are appalled that their society, their fellow citizens, their neighbours could be swayed by voting for expressions of bigotry, misogyny, racism and nationalism. After all we live in a truly connected and global world. Surely rationalism will prevail… but no, emotions won the day. And somehow, we are surprised. The simple fact is that the established powers that be had stopped listening to the murmuring. They didn’t like what they heard and discarded it as the mutterings of a few disenchanted people who truly couldn’t possibly believe what they were saying. Just because those in power stop listening does not mean that the feelings aren’t true. Perhaps it wasn't a real problem, but it became a problem because the leaders stopped listening because they didn’t like what they heard, It didn’t fit with their belief system, let alone their politics. The assumption in Brexit was that the citizens of the UK would realise how rational and sensible it was to stay in Europe, and anybody who disagreed was a racist, bigot or any other label of 'badness'. It matters not whether the anti-immigration argument is good or not. What matters is that no-one was listening. When I was a kid and my mum would nag me about something, I learned the art of not listening. It was a fantastic ploy. She would ask me to do some chore. I would ignore her. She might try again and again, each time raising her voice. I could easily continue to ignore her shouts until I heard movement and the threats would start. I would usually end up complying but filled with resentment and inside, I would be muttering loud enough to be heard but with the words indistinct. Have you ever been in a conversation with someone and whilst they're speaking? You're waiting with eager anticipation for a pause so that you can launch in with your opinion? Of course, you haven’t, because you are a much better person than I am. Perhaps your boss is misguidedly suggesting that you have not performed well enough and you are just aching to leap to your own defence. Or one of the pe

"Leadership is influence" according to John C. Maxwell (Maxwell, 2010), and you can raise your level of influence with others. The Five Levels of Influence The higher your level of influence with someone, the easier it is to lead them. The 5 Levels express a way to understand and organise your leadership growth. Each of the levels build on the previous one and you can only progress to the next level once you have mastered the previous level. As you go higher it is easier to lead because your influence grows as well, as your leadership becomes more service oriented. Maxwell says it takes longer than you think to get to the top level—and many never do. At the same time, you can go down very quickly. But if you have developed the right kinds of relationships with others, they will support you through your missteps and fumbles. In this episode of the Leadership AdvantEdge, I'd like to begin by sharing about the five levels of Influence, and then suggest ways that you can raise your level of influence with the stakeholders who matter to you right now. About the 5 Levels The 5 Levels express a way to understand and organise your leadership growth. As shown above, the first level is POSITION. At this level, people follow you because they have to. Your influence comes from your position. While that’s not bad—you probably got the position because of your leadership potential—you don’t want to stay here. Leadership is about relationships and leaders will make it their business to develop them. At this level, people follow you because they have to. Your influence comes from your position. While that’s not bad—you probably got the position because of your leadership potential—you don’t want to stay here. Leadership is about relationships and leaders will make it their business to develop them. The second level is PERMISSION. People follow you because they want to. Permission is about building relationships. It focuses on the value of each person and opens up communication. Connecting with others begins with connecting with and growing yourself. Understanding that the first person I must get along with is me, the first person to cause me problems is me, the first person that must change is me, and the first person that can make a difference is me. People follow you because they want to. Permission is about building relationships. It focuses on the value of each person and opens up communication. Connecting with others begins with connecting with and growing yourself. Understanding that the first person I must get along with is me, the first person to cause me problems is me, the first person that must change is me, and the first person that can make a difference is me. Level three – PRODUCTION This level recognises that relationships alone are not enough. A leader is tasked with getting things done. Production level leaders are followed because of what they have done for the organisation. They get things done. Their credibility is based on their example. The ability to get results alone doesn’t make you a leader. Leaders are measured by what the entire group accomplishes and not by the individual efforts of the person in charge. Leaders develop their people into a team to get results. To get to the next level you must develop your people. The fourth level is PEOPLE DEVELOPMENT. Leaders become great because they empower others. They develop more leaders. "Production may win games, but People Development wins championships.” People development assures that growth can be sustained. Self-centered, insecure leaders neglect this stage in their development. Maxwell estimates that less than 1 percent of all leaders ever reach Level 5 – THE PINNACLE. We are at different levels with the people in our lives, including our family members (though I hope that you at least have a relationship with them.) Leaders at this level understand that the highest goal of leadership is to develop more leaders, not to gain followers or do work. Level 5 le

In this episode you will recognise dysfunctions observed in your business, organisation or team and be able to remedy them relatively easily and quickly. But first, let me share a moment in my own life when my personal situational awareness was severely compromised: I was teetering on the edge of the abyss, the breeze felt like it was gently mocking and luring me over the cliff and down to the unwelcoming rocks beneath. It was so tempting to just let gravity take charge and give over to the fate of failure. I snapped out from the dangerous thinking and checked my wrist computer. I'd stayed too long hovering here, I needed to return to the surface before the poisonous nitrogen made me lose all perspective. I pressed a tiny blast of air into my jacket to lift me upward to the waiting boat.  Scuba diving is a tremendous example of having complete situational awareness Scuba diving is a tremendous example of having complete situational awareness: To enjoy the experience, you need to be trained and be completely aware of everything that is going on with you, your buddy, other divers, the creatures of the deep, your depth, your air, the time, your breathing. Oh, and watch out for that Conga eel lurking protectively under that rock. And is that a white tip or a tiger shark in the distance? And because you never dive alone, that situational awareness needs to be shared with your buddy and everyone else in the water with you. Scuba diving has the potential to show you the most awesome creatures and places on this beautiful planet and the potential to crush you. We all have, within us, that same potential. To show the world something awesome or to crush ourselves into insignificance. So what was happening to me as I teetered on the edge of that abyss being tempted to slip over the edge and dive down deep when my conscious mind should be screaming at me to avoid such danger? Why had my mind slipped into some sort of reverie - an almost dreamlike momentary lapse of concentration? The Five components of effective teams are integrated and together create this thing we call "synergy". Performance issues in teams are rooted in one or more of five distinct areas: The first is the command instruction(s) for the team. The second is shared experience. Third (and most neglected) is shared situational awareness shared values. and lastly Effective and engaging communication In each area, there are common key issues. This is not meant to be an exhaustive list of the symptoms, just an overview of the top and most frequently uncovered issues. A lack of clear direction, which can be a lack of clarity and, or lack of direction. Frequently, there are team leadership roles missing within the team. The team themselves may function reasonably well, but without leadership, they falter under pressure. Just watch any football or rugby match when the skipper is injured or sent off. Many teams work in silos, individuals or small groups working independently from the others. Sharing little information, knowledge or expertise. This situation is often exacerbated by unhealthy rivalry between team members or sub groups. The third, and often neglected factor of team cohesiveness is, shared situational awareness. Team members may cooperate, but they do not collaborate. Essentially, team members can be nice enough to each other and say that they agree, but their actions defy their words. Many teams have something of a blame culture. This is when individuals give as much or even, more time, covering their own backsides, and when anything goes wrong, it is always someone else who is to blame. Shared values are the foundation of any team. Whether it is the pride in representing country, or the simple desire to make every single day your masterpiece. When personal values are in conflict with the presumed shared values, the personal values will win out every time. When a footballer's livelihood depends on his performance in the EPL next month and nothing to do with

In almost every workshop I run, someone will raise their requirement for empirical evidence or “solid proof” before they will commit to applying the tools and techniques that will bring them benefit. We often desire more evidence that something will work before we are prepared to commit resources to it. Being willing to trust something without certainty is a red flag to the brain. Specifically, your anterior cingulate cortex is struggling to find an amenable memory connection to success and raising your cortisol levels preparing your body for avoidance. It's like being a kid in the playground Sometimes you have to let go to move forward. At other times, you simply have to believe that someone else will hold on tight. Holding onto the monkey bars for dear life. You have to be prepared to let go, in order to move forward. (Let Go and Gain Control - episode 16) It's what you believe might, could, maybe happen that is more or less likely to be harmful or waste something you consider to be more valuable, like time or effort. Beliefs are similar to values in that they are part of our personal guidance system Beliefs often inform values, and values, in turn, reinforce our standing in regard to our beliefs. Beliefs are a critical part of what makes us who we are, but there is a distinction that I find helpful. A belief is something that we have no tangible, undeniable evidence to support. It is impossible to measure beliefs. We simply believe this to be so. Values, on the other hand, are measurable and quantifiable in some form – this does not make them all tangible, but the very fact that we place the word ‘value’ on something means that we can measure it in relation to other values. Bear with me as we delve briefly into the world of quantum physics Have you ever heard someone, perhaps yourself, say ”I’ll believe it when I see it!” Whatever this is about, from the belief in God to the belief that someone will do as they have said they will do, matters not. According to quantum physics, we have to believe it before we see it. (In fact, according to the Bible, we have to believe first, then we will see! Much like that kid holding on tight to that monkey bar, you'll find that many times you have to allow yourself to believe first so that you can do. Do whatever you need to do and then you'll see the evidence or "proof" that it works for you. Well, your belief in yourself and using these tools and techniques is critical to their success Let me take an example from the game of golf. Your belief informs your unconscious mind about any particular shot in golf – and this will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. your belief in your strategy, the alignment of the resources (people, tools, money) and that the market will respond in a particular way... It is a belief. The evidence comes AFTER the fact... never before! However much you might like to blame the tools, it is your mind that controls the club. You step up to the tee on your least favourite hole on the course. You prepare for the shot, you utter to yourself “I will make this drive, this time, it will be different, this time, I will strike the ball square on, the ball will soar through the air, and following a graceful arc it will land right smack in the middle of the fairway exactly where I’m aligned”. Your unconscious mind is informed by this belief and promptly provides you with a swing that will support your belief. How do you train yourself to do this? You spend several practice sessions building a new belief about your ‘nemesis’ hole (any hole for that matter). You visualise making the stroke, sending the ball to exactly where you want it. You do this in your mind’s eye, calmly, cool-ly, mindfully. Not only have you seen what you will see with your own eyes, you’ve heard what you will hear with your own ears, you’ve felt how you will feel having made the shot, you’ll taste victory and smell success, exactly as if you had achieved it. I’ll repeat that, exactly as if you had

Ideas are the currency of the 21st century. The ability to communicate your ideas persuasively is the single greatest skill you need to accomplish your dreams Spreading your ideas in the 21st Century requires a 21st Century model of communication Let me introduce you to HUGS To Communicate with Impact we need to use HUGS Neuroscience research using brain scans reveals that stories stimulate our brains, enabling the speaker to connect with the audience and making it likely that the audience will agree with the speaker’s point of view. So what’s happening inside the brain? Once we know this, we can deliberately structure our communication to engage our audience and, stand a greater chance of helping them understand a new point of view. PFC Theatre Your Pre-Frontal Cortex is like a theatre stage where you direct the play. Your Pre-Frontal Cortex (PCF) is like a theatre stage. When you focus on one thing, it’s like an actor on stage. And we can keep 3 or 4 actors on stage at most at any one moment (consider how you remember phone numbers). Information from the outside world is like actors invading the stage from the wings. Information from your inner world is like audience members climbing on stage. At any given moment, millions of bits of information are vying for your attention. Getting Attention We give attention to anything unusual, new or potentially threatening. This is the role of your Anterior Cingulate Cortex (ACC). When something novel or unusual is perceived in the ACC, it triggers the production of cortisol (our main stress hormone) from the Amygdala making us feel distress. And we immediately pay attention to something threatening. Your Anterior Cingulate Cortex is like a trigger-happy guard on full alert for threats. To keep attention we want to trigger Oxytocin and Cortisol in their brain. Keeping someone’s attention We can sustain someone’s attention by increasing the tension in the story. We become anxious to know “what happens next…” Once we have sustained attention long enough we become emotionally attached to the characters in the story, we empathize with them, thanks to another neurochemical, Oxytocin (our ‘love’ hormone). And the Nucleus Accumbens triggers the production of Dopamine (our ‘Happy” chemical) when our story gives little wins of satisfaction. Making us feel happy and satisfied. If your communication is just facts and figures, Ill fall asleeppp zzzzzzz..... Most communication is Dull and Boring Because there’s no emotional connection. Just facts. When we do not connect to the facts emotionally, there’s no Dopamine to help consolidate the memory, and hence we forget most of it. And there’s no heart to facts, we don’t empathize with facts… so no oxytocin to help the audience trust the speaker. Making boring communication a thing of the past… To keep someones attention, tell them a good story To make your communication exciting and interesting, you need to tap on the way the brain works. Use the story line to increase tension to produce Cortisol and gain the brain’s attention. Increase tension to keep your audience’s interest to find out ‘what next?’ Keep their attention long enough to help your audience empathize with the characters of the story, which produces Oxytocin and thereby trust in the speaker. Make sure your characters gain little wins that bring your story to a positive ending, producing Dopamine which helps both keep their attention and helps consolidate memory of the facts within the story. Where do I start? The most impactful speakers are people who are passionate about what they are sharing. It’s the fuel on which their story feeds. You need to find your fuel. Remember the most impactful speech you ever listened to? It was a story. Remember your most loved film? It was a story. Now remember a significant event in your life. It’s your story. Start there. What next? Join me on my coaching programme “90 Days to Message Mastery” and I’ll guide you on your journey to

All through life, Alex has always felt that other people, schoolmates, friends and later colleagues, seemed to have it easier. Dad was never quite satisfied. It was hard to live up to his standards. Aunts and Uncles always knew a cousin who was better, brighter, richer, faster. Alex, like you and me, would like to earn more, be recognized and respected. To enjoy life and have fun. To simply succeed.  Is it really so difficult? Alex wants to provide for others. Family is very important and the good of society is too, but Alex feels stuck on a hamster wheel, running from paycheck to paycheck with some left over, but it's never enough. And let's face it; the job sucks most of the time. Alex's boss rarely has a good word. Sometimes, when Alex has achieved something out of the ordinary, the boss notices, but most of the time Alex feels like the effort is unnoticed. Alex was in a rut. Where's my MOJO? For the past couple of months, Alex's has been feeling drained, both emotionally and physically. Without that 'get up and go', Alex accepted to sit down and stay. A friend mentioned a wonderful seminar that they had attended. A famous motivational guru was in town and the flyers promised life transformation and heart alignment and immediate recharge and success. So Alex forked out the high price of a ticket and went with great expectations. Oh what a terrific day it was. An atmosphere charged with promise and laughter. Alex returned home with a renewed desire to re-ignite passions and eager to progress with living life to the max.   In the day's ahead motivation surges Alex continues to feel upbeat for several days after the seminar. There's even a framed photo of Alex and the speaker with a motivational quote and signed sitting on the desk. Work seems effortless and progress feels assured until the boss sends the last customer presentation deck back with a note describing it as "unusable". Not quite the type of attention Alex had desired from the boss.   Within moment, all the encouragement and promises of the motivational seminar evaporated like a morning mist The boss referred Alex to HR to get trained in putting presentations together properly. And soon Alex was enjoying a couple of days away from the office in a fun and lively workshop.  In spite of a couple of long interruptions of teleconference calls that "just had to be done", the workshop was very good. Alex learned and had a chance to practise the skills and get feedback from the facilitator. Back in the office, Alex stared disbelievingly at the increased mountain of urgent tasks and slowly worked through them, never quite coming to the end but at least trying to use the newly developed skills. All was well until a curt email described Alex's latest presentation deck for the boss as "utterly unsuitable" and questioning the point of training someone if they weren't going to use the training properly. Alex knew that it would be a waste of time explaining that there had been no opportunity to use the skills What Alex needed now was some clear guidance on what to do next. Alex was stuck again. That encouraging feeling of regaining motivation and purpose from the seminar was gone. Alex had developed skills but with no proper feedback at work and regular guidance even the new skills weren't being used effectively. What to do now? And how do I get unstuck? Alex wanted help, but talking to a family member or the boss felt too difficult and risky. Friends, well they just seem to be caught up in their own successful, busy lives. So Alex looked online and decided to risk everything and speak to a stranger. A coach who seemed to have helped a few people in similar situations get unstuck. Some Alex contacted just tried to sell a solution; a few took the time to listen and genuinely appeared to care. However, what Alex needed was a plan to get from here to… well, somewhere a whole lot better, and someone who would be a guide on the side. After checking out a couple of potentials, Alex cho

Have you ever wondered why it's so tough to influence change? Why is it, that with our very best intentions, we still find it difficult to make changes that we know would be good for us? It seems that it’s down to our inner elephant. I’ve borrowed the analogy used by University of Virginia psychologist Jonathan Haidt in his wonderful book The Happiness Hypothesis. Haidt says that our emotional side is an Elephant and our rational side is its Rider. Perched atop the Elephant, the Rider holds the reins and seems to be the leader. But the Rider’s control is precarious because the Rider is so small relative to the Elephant. Anytime the six-ton Elephant and the Rider disagree about which direction to go, the Rider is going to lose. He’s completely overmatched. Most of us are all too familiar with situations in which our Elephant overpowers our Rider You’ve experienced this if you’ve ever overeaten, slept in, said something you regretted, procrastinated, tried to quit smoking and failed, skipped the gym, gotten angry and lost your temper, refused to speak up in a meeting because you were fearful, and so on. Good thing no one is keeping score. Or are they? For those of you with a very large ego and oozing with pride, you are already disagreeing with me. Yes it is possible for the rider to have control over the elephant. No doubt you’ve seen circus elephants and even know that they are trained from young by being tied to a small stick. Later in life they are controlled with a nasty hook wielded by their trainer. I’ve met people who have been similarly trained from young. Their parents keep a very tight control and strict discipline. In later life they are highly disciplined and keep a tight lid on their emotions. Sure it happens. All of those I have met, are sad, lonely people. All of us have a constant tension between our Rider, and our Elephant The weakness of the Elephant, our emotional and instinctive side, is well known: It’s lazy and skittish, often looking for the quick payoff (one scoop of ice cream more) over the long-term payoff (being slim). When change efforts fail, it’s usually the Elephant’s fault, since the kinds of change we want typically involve short-term sacrifices for long-term payoffs. (We cut back on expenses today to yield a better balance sheet next year. We avoid ice cream today for a better body next year.) Changes often fail because the Rider simply can’t keep the Elephant on the road long enough to reach the destination. The rider’s intention to delay gratification is outmatched by the desire for the “just this once” payoff. The Elephant’s hunger for instant gratification is the opposite of the Rider’s strength, which is the ability to think long-term, to plan, to think beyond the moment (all those things that your pet can’t do). But what may surprise you is that the Elephant also has enormous strengths and that the Rider has crippling weaknesses. The Elephant isn’t always the bad guy. Emotion is the Elephant’s turf—love and compassion and sympathy and loyalty. That fierce instinct you have to protect your kids against harm—that’s the Elephant. That spine-stiffening you feel when you need to stand up for yourself—that’s the Elephant. And even more important if you’re contemplating a change, the Elephant is the one who gets things done. To make progress toward a goal, whether it’s noble or crass, requires the energy and drive of the Elephant. And this strength is the mirror image of the Rider’s great weakness: spinning his wheels. The Rider tends to overanalyze and overthink things. Chances are, you know people with Rider problems: your friend who can agonize for twenty minutes about what to eat for dinner; your colleague who can brainstorm about new ideas for hours but can’t ever seem to make a decision… The trouble is we think that the Rider is in control…

You know that stress is bad for you. Yet you endure it every day. Modern life is stressful. Whether it's work, your boss, your spouse, your kids, your parents, driving or simply trying to fathom what to eat today. Your life is filled with stressors. So what can you do about it? Imagine you are visiting a theme park The best rides always have a long queue and you look with disdain at a group of ‘bullies’ who cut the line and push in front of you. Instantly your threat response fires up and you feel the urge to fight back, or perhaps give up and walk away from the spot you have been holding onto for the past hour. Most people say nothing externally, muttering to themselves about how unfair it is and what they would like to do. Yet meek and mild you keep your head down in case the ‘bullies’ turn on you. Hope – the positive expectation of future good Many people scoff at the notion of remaining optimistic in light of the “facts” presented daily in the news, at your workplace, in your bank balance. Suggesting that highly optimistic people (like me) are deluding themselves. Facts is facts right? Yes facts is facts. But, and this is where it gets really interesting… The amygdala is the emotional centre of your brain. It is well known that it responds ever so quickly to fear and anxiety. And there is another part of your brain involved: the Anterior Cingulate Cortex (ACC), which I have likened to a trigger-happy security guard constantly on the lookout for threats.

Courage is the root of all freedom. It takes courage to dream big dreams… no matter your past, circumstances, or what others tell you. It takes courage to go after what matters. And when the going gets tough and obstacles crop up (as they always will), it takes courage to press on. Any time you go after what you really want, your doubts and fears will surface. That’s just part of the experience. You must ignore the voices that say “turn back” or “give up now” or “this is too hard.” It is courage that keeps you moving forward. It's easy to label ourselves with excuses. Especially if we believe everything (bad) that people have labelled us with in the past. So when you think about it, moving towards freedom requires daring, every step of the way. Daring to dream. Daring to begin. Daring to keep going, and stick with it until you reach your goal. And as you exercise your muscle of daring and courage, you will find freedom on the other side. And it’s the sweetness of that freedom that is worth the sacrifice it took to get there Five way to let your courage set you free Don't Label Yourself with an Excuse Be careful how you use labels on yourself (and others). If you ever say "I am a weak-willed person" or "I am a fearful person" or "I am not strong" or "I am always unlucky" or anything similar, you are labelling yourself with a past (possibly true) behaviour. Once you begin to believe the label, it becomes you. It controls you. Your tongue is like the small rudder that controls the ships direction, speak what you want to be from now. This isn't namby-pamby positive psychological babel, it's choosing to train your brain to think differently. Make Courage a Habit Courage, like fear, is a habit of thinking If you had no fear at all, you would be dead. Courageous people are doing something that they fear. Courage, like fear, is a habit of thinking. You can choose to think "I am afraid, therefore I will not". Or you can choose to think "I am afraid, therefore I will do it afraid". Choose the first and you will not do anything, get bored and eventually become a timid thing hiding in a corner somewhere. Choose the latter and sure you are going to be afraid, you might even achieve something too. Power of the First Step There is only one difficult step to take. It is the next one. There is only one difficult step to take. It is the next one. When we are faced with something fearful, two things in our brains cause us to freeze: Your particular response to something fearful for you will trigger your freeze, flight or fight response. That is, you stay still and shrink your body (dropping your head is common), or you'll start to run away, or you'll be pumped to fight the threat. How you respond to a situation depends on many factors, but in this modern society, many people freeze. Unable to hake themselves out of it until the cortisol and adrenaline pumping through their veins subsides. The second reason we freeze is due to overloading our decision-making. We can readily choose between two or three options, but as soon as you add more scenarios it can quickly overload your pre-frontal cortex. You need more energy and oxygen to get moving again. Deep breaths work wonderfully well to achieve this. The longer you stand there in trepidation, perhaps it's getting on stage, perhaps deciding to take ownership of an error made, the worse it gets. Force yourself to breathe and take action. Take that first step. Build your Pillars Hold on to the knowledge that you have overcome many obstacles already Everyone had been courageous. Many times. That moment as a baby when you stood up for the very first time. The time you raised your hand to answer a question in class. When you asked your partner on a date. The first time you negotiated with a salesman. Or you drove a car alone for the first time. There are many 'firsts' in your life, and as you think about them, each one took courage. Write down a list of them. Who helped you believe in you

There's something not quite right. Something just isn't sitting well in your gut. You can't quite place it exactly, but there is something wrong between the words and something else. Have you ever heard the adage that communication is only 7 percent verbal and 93 percent non-verbal? Well, much of it is a pernicious myth, but there is some truth in the idea of congruence between what you say and how you say it. And when we witness a lack of congruence (in our perception) it is often that 'gut' feel, that sense of unease that causes us to mistrust what we are hearing. We've all hidden something about ourselves from others. We're all tempted to "spin" to protect ourselves from some vulnerability or difficult situation. Sure, I have plenty of hidden parts, thank you. My recent intimate relationship with death has led to a great deal of mind spring-cleaning. In so doing, I've come across three common fears that cause us to hide some of our authenticity: rejection, exposure and vulnerability. Fear of being rejected Rejection makes us feel unloved, unwanted and exhausted. No-one likes to be rejected We don’t want to let people see what we’re really like because we fear disapproval. We fear rejection. The easiest way to avoid rejection is to make sure that you're not in a position to be rejected. If I don't ask you for help, I don't have to worry that you will refuse. If I do the job myself, I only have to rely on myself. Much safer. If I don't ask for your opinion, I won't have to deal with your disapproval of my thinking. And yet. In my mind, I'll still be wondering what you think about my idea, or if you think I've done that job well. Even if I don't actually know you, but catch you looking in my direction. Why do we fear the opinions of other people, even people we don't know? Because we all have a deep, burning desire to be loved. Actually, we need to be loved. The feeling of being loved, and loving, is the result of oxytocin production. It's the hormone that encourages mothers and babies to bond. It is the hormone that increases the desire to gaze lovingly at your partner. Oxytocin induces a feeling of trust. If I think that you are rejecting me, not only do I not get a dose of oxytocin, I get an extra dose of cortisol and nor-adrenaline - our favourite stress and fear chemicals. Thus I can have a fear of being rejected that causes me to think that you are rejecting me, which increase my fear of rejection. And all I wanted was to feel loved. And what matters, is what I think you think. What I think you mean by what you say or do, not necessarily what you actually say or do. So, to be on the safe side... perhaps it's better not to expose myself to your rejection... Fear of being exposed Anyone who exposes our inadequacy is in danger of experiencing our wrath. Nobody minds their strengths being revealed. We have no problem with our positive capabilities being exposed. But when it comes to our weaknesses and insecurities, we would prefer these remain behind lock and key. Anyone who exposes our inadequacy is in danger of experiencing our wrath. Even (or perhaps, especially) when it is your spouse reminding you of something you thought was safely stowed in a black box, buried deep. I've worked with many senior leaders who are desperately concerned that anyone will find out that they haven't actually got it all together. Indeed, one of the first questions I get from senior leaders is about confidentiality. It shows a strong need to be open and honest and to dare to expose themselves to someone. We all benefit from talking about our real selves. To admit that we have weaknesses. In these days of Facebook 'friends', it's difficult to keep true and trusted real friends. And if you're used to hiding things from your spouse, you have to find someone to talk to eventually. All good news for the coaching industry but less so, I think, for society. Our pride is at stake when we are exposed. In the brain the chemical principally respon