Why do people have affairs? What lessons can we learn from infidelity?

It's estimated that an affair will impact one in five of us, yet it tends to be a taboo subject.  
So, on this episode, I'm going to break that taboo and explore the hidden world of affairs with psychoanalyst and author Juliet Rosenfeld.

Juliet’s book, Affairs: Stories of Love, Lies, Hope and Desire, is an intimate look at why people have affairs, how those relationships shape us, and what they reveal about the unconscious forces at work in our lives.

Episode Summary
In a fascinating discussion, we talk about the stories she gathered for the book, how she approached them ethically, and what she’s learned about the powerful, often destructive, pull of infidelity.

I also ask Juliet about her own experience as a psychoanalyst; how she balances her clinical insights with the need to write in a way that’s both honest and protective of the people involved. Juliet explains how she turned the consulting room into a space for exploration, not exposure, and how the stories she’s collected show just how deeply affairs touch the lives of everyone they involve. 

From the idea of the couple to the unconscious roots of our desires, we unpack some of the most complex questions about relationships and risk. Throughout our conversation, Juliet brings a refreshingly human — and humane — perspective to a topic that’s often shrouded in shame and secrecy. 

Whether you’ve ever experienced an affair yourself or just want to understand why people cross these lines, this episode offers insights that go far beyond the headlines. 

Guest Biography
Juliet Rosenfeld is an author and a psychoanalyst working in private practice in London. She is particularly interested in the unconscious forces that shape our relationships and behaviours.

Juliet’s second book, Affairs: Stories of Love, Lies, Hope and Desire, explores the complex terrain of infidelity through a psychoanalytic lens, blending real stories with her own reflections and insights.

She is a member of professional psychotherapy and psychoanalysis associations in the UK and is deeply engaged in thinking about the ethical dimensions of her work. Beyond her practice,

Juliet has also been a board member of the UK Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP) and is passionate about making the insights of psychoanalysis accessible to a general audience.

AI-Generated Timestamp Summary
[00:00:00] Introduction to the episode and Juliet Rosenfeld

[00:01:00] Exploring what affairs are really about and how unconscious forces shape them

[00:02:00] Juliet’s background as a psychoanalyst and the role of the unconscious

[00:04:00] How relationship struggles underpin so many issues Juliet sees in her work

[00:05:00] Why Juliet wrote the book and how affairs are inherently risky

[00:07:00] The foundational idea of the couple and how it shapes us from birth

[00:08:00] Ethical dilemmas of writing about real people’s affairs

[00:11:00] Juliet’s approach: interviewing participants who weren’t her patients

[00:13:00] Balancing her clinical mindset with the demands of writing

[00:16:00] The role of supervision in psychotherapy and its relevance to Juliet’s work

[00:18:00] The challenge of anonymising the stories while staying true to them

[00:20:00] Juliet’s thoughts on police requests for therapist notes and patient confidentiality

[00:22:00] The differences in the regulation of therapists in the UK vs the US

[00:26:00] The importance of trust, supervision, and the intense relationship with a supervisor

[00:30:00] Why Juliet believes statutory regulation of psychotherapy is important

[00:34:00] How affairs spark intense public reactions and fascination

[00:37:00] The long-term impact of divorce and affairs on children

[00:42:00] How affairs can be a way of finding solutions to deep personal problems

[00:45:00] The uniqueness of each affair story and the problem of generalisations

[00:47:00] The role of disappointment and the challenges of long-term love

[00:49:00] Juliet’s thoughts on how therapy can help couples

[00:53:00] Why no one comes to see her at the start of an affair

[00:56:00] The emotional investment and secrecy that affairs demand

[00:59:00] The final reflections on why Juliet wrote the book and what it revealed to her

[01:05:00] Closing remarks and where to find Juliet’s book

Links

Juliet’s website with details of her work and books: https://julietrosenfeld.co.uk/

The UK Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP): https://www.psychotherapy.org.uk/