What happens when pornography becomes more than sexual stimulation — when it begins to function as a substitute for emotional connection?

In this episode, we explore pornography through the lens of attachment, particularly how people with avoidant attachment can sometimes turn toward fantasy and pornography to soothe loneliness, regulate difficult emotions, and avoid the vulnerability of real intimacy.

For some people, pornography may become a way of meeting attachment needs without having to risk rejection, dependence or emotional exposure. But what happens when that coping strategy begins to enter the couple relationship?

We explore the cycle that can develop between partners, why pornography can sometimes become an attachment substitute, and the important difference between insecure attachment dynamics and pornography being used as part of coercive control.

Because sometimes the behaviour isn't really about sex at all.

It's about what we're trying to soothe when we don't feel safe enough to connect.

What if the answers to our relationship patterns lie beneath the surface of our conscious awareness?

In this special therapist interview, I'm joined by Linda Murrow, EFT Therapist and Supervisor, for a fascinating conversation exploring the intersection of Jungian depth psychology and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT).

Together, we explore how the unconscious shapes our emotional lives and relationships, the role of the shadow in intimate partnerships, and how our closest relationships can become powerful catalysts for growth, healing and greater self-understanding.

Whether you're a therapist, a student of psychology, or simply curious about the deeper forces that shape the way we love, this conversation offers a thoughtful exploration of one of psychology's most enduring traditions.

In this episode we explore:

• The foundations of Jungian depth psychology
• How the unconscious influences our relationships
• The shadow and its role in intimate relationships
• How our relationships become mirrors for growth, healing and self-discovery
• Where Jungian depth psychology and Emotionally Focused Therapy intersect
• What it means to move towards wholeness and authenticity

Further Reading

Linda kindly shared the following books for listeners who would like to delve more deeply into Jungian psychology, trauma, and the themes explored in this episode:

• Memories, Dreams, Reflections – Carl Gustav Jung
• Meeting the Shadow: The Hidden Power of the Dark Side of Human Nature – edited by Connie Zweig & Jeremiah Abrams
• The Inner World of Trauma: Archetypal Defences of the Personal Spirit – Donald Kalsched
• Understanding and Healing Emotional Trauma: Conversations with Pioneering Clinicians and Researchers – Daniela Sieff
• Soul's Body: Active Imagination, Authentic Movement, and Embodiment in Psychotherapy – Tina Stromsted
• Addiction to Perfection: The Still Unravished Bride – Marion Woodman

Is silence always a sign that things are getting better?

Sometimes, it's a sign that the person who has been fighting the hardest has simply run out of hope.

In this episode, I explore pursuer burnout—why anxious partners eventually stop reaching, what emotional exhaustion really looks like, and why a pursuer's withdrawal is often one of the most significant turning points in a relationship.

Drawing on attachment theory and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), I'll explain what happens beneath the surface when the protest ends, and what couples can do before it's too late.

Just Listen To Me explores love, attachment, trauma and relationships through the lens of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), helping you build more secure, connected relationships.

What makes us human?

As a couples therapist, I spend every day thinking about the relationships that shape us. But one of the most profound explorations of attachment, belonging and emotional growth isn't found in a psychology textbook—it's found in the wonderfully quirky world of Resident Alien.

In this episode, I explore Harry Vanderspeigle's extraordinary journey from detached outsider to someone capable of friendship, compassion and love. Through the lens of attachment theory and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we examine what Harry, Asta and D'Arcy teach us about emotional safety, curiosity, belonging and the relationships that quietly change who we become.

Whether you're a fan of Resident Alien, curious about attachment theory, or simply interested in what great storytelling can teach us about being human, this episode is for you.

This is the first episode in my new series, Attachment Lessons from Pop Culture, where we'll explore the psychology, relationships and attachment dynamics hidden inside the television shows and films we love.

Why do so many intelligent, self-aware people stay in situationships that leave them feeling confused, anxious and emotionally exhausted?

In this episode of Just Listen To Me, couples therapist Julia Shay explores situationships through the lens of attachment theory.

You'll learn why people with anxious attachment often find it so difficult to leave, why avoidant attachment can make ambiguity feel safer than commitment, and how these attachment dynamics can create a painful cycle of hope, distance and uncertainty.

This episode also explores an important distinction that is often overlooked: when is a situationship an attachment dynamic, and when might it actually be coercive control? We'll unpack why uncertainty can sometimes become a tool of power, why attachment theory should never be used to explain away abuse, and how to recognise the difference.

Whether you're currently in a situationship, recovering from one, or simply curious about the psychology behind modern relationships, this episode will help you understand what's happening beneath the surface—and why secure attachment begins with choosing relationships where clarity and emotional safety don't have to be earned.

Just Listen To Me explores love, attachment, trauma and relationships through the lens of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), helping you build more secure, connected relationships.

Most couples don't come to therapy because they can't solve a disagreement.

They come because they keep having the same disagreement over and over again.

In this therapist-only episode of Just Listen To Me, Julia Shay explores one of the most common reasons couples counselling fails: the therapist becomes focused on the content of the conflict instead of the emotional cycle underneath it.

Drawing on Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and attachment theory, this episode explains why arguments about money, parenting, intimacy or communication are rarely the true problem. Lasting change happens when couples learn to recognise and interrupt the negative cycle that leaves both partners feeling alone, misunderstood and emotionally unsafe.

Whether you're a therapist wanting to deepen your practice or someone curious about what effective couples therapy actually looks like, this episode offers a different way of understanding relationship distress—and why treating the cycle changes everything.

We've become much better at talking about trauma—and that's an important thing.

But what happens when our trauma stops being something we heal... and starts becoming something we use?

In this episode, Julia explores the concept of weaponised generational trauma: when unresolved childhood wounds are repeatedly used to avoid accountability, silence a partner's emotional experience, or explain behaviours that continue to cause harm.

Drawing on attachment theory and emotionally focused couples therapy, Julia examines the difference between understanding behaviour and taking responsibility for its impact, why compassion and accountability must exist together, and what healthy healing actually looks like in relationships.

This episode is not about blaming trauma survivors. It's about recognising the point at which explanation becomes a barrier to change—and why true healing requires both self-compassion and accountability.

Have you ever found yourself staring at your phone, wondering why your partner hasn't replied?

Maybe you've sent a simple message and, as the minutes turn into hours, your mind begins filling in the blanks. Or perhaps you've been on the receiving end of frustration because you didn't reply quickly enough.

If this sounds familiar, you're certainly not alone.

In this episode of Just Listen to Me, Julia Shay explores why text messaging has become one of the most common sources of conflict in modern relationships—and why these arguments are rarely about the messages themselves.

Drawing on Attachment Theory and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Julia explains how our attachment system responds to delayed replies, why pursuers and withdrawers experience texting so differently, and how everyday misunderstandings can quickly become painful cycles of disconnection.

Through a realistic case study and practical insights from the counselling room, you'll learn how to move beyond arguments about response times and begin understanding the emotional needs that sit beneath them.

Because most couples aren't fighting about text messages.

They're fighting about what those text messages mean.

About the Host

Julia Shay is a couples counsellor, social worker, and founder of Project Secure Attachment. Through Just Listen to Me, she explores attachment, relationships, trauma, and emotional safety, helping individuals and couples build stronger, more secure connections.

Most couples believe they've identified the problem. Their partner.

After years of arguments, hurt feelings, and repeated disappointments, it's easy to become convinced that if only your partner would change, everything would finally get better.

But what if the real problem isn't your partner at all?

In this episode of Just Listen To Me, relationship counsellor and social worker Julia Shay explores why blame feels so convincing, how our attachment history shapes the stories we tell ourselves, and why Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) sees the negative cycle—not your partner—as the real enemy.

You'll discover why criticism, defensiveness, and withdrawal are often protective strategies rather than intentional attempts to hurt one another, and how replacing blame with curiosity can transform the way couples understand conflict.

Whether you're in a relationship, recovering from one, or simply interested in the psychology of human connection, this episode will help you see conflict through a completely different lens.

Because sometimes the most important question isn't...

"Whose fault is this?"

It's...

"What happened to us?"

Sometimes the patterns we carry in relationships didn’t begin with us.

The way we respond to conflict.
The way we express emotions.
The way we reach for connection.
The ways we protect ourselves from being hurt.

Many of these patterns have histories that started long before us.

In this episode of Just Listen to Me, we explore generational trauma through an attachment lens — not as a story of blame, but as a story of understanding.

Because families don’t just pass down memories, traditions and values.

They also pass down beliefs about love, safety, emotions and connection.

Often, the strategies that helped one generation survive become the patterns the next generation has to heal.

We explore how these patterns show up in adult relationships, why old survival strategies can keep repeating, and how awareness creates the possibility for something different.

Because the past may help explain our patterns...

But it doesn’t have to define our future.