Just Listen To Me

As therapists, we care deeply about our clients. We prepare, reflect, research, analyse and constantly think about how we can help them move forward.

But when does caring become over-functioning?

In this therapist-facing episode, we explore what happens when you start taking too much responsibility for a client's therapeutic process — working harder than they are, trying to find the “right” intervention, filling the silence, rescuing, or feeling responsible for an outcome you can't control.

We also look at what happens when we get caught in a client's relational system, including how countertransference and our own nervous system can pull us into patterns we're trying to help the client understand.

Most importantly, we'll look at what secure therapeutic practice actually looks like: staying engaged without taking over, trusting the client's agency and pace, and knowing when to intervene and when to step back.

Because being a good therapist doesn't mean working harder and harder.

Sometimes, the more skilled intervention is to stop carrying what was never ours to carry.

What happens when you've spent so long pursuing connection that you start feeling ashamed of the way you're trying to get it?

In this follow-up to my Season 3 episode on pursuer burnout, we look at the shame that can develop when your attempts to reconnect repeatedly leave you feeling unheard, rejected or alone.

You may find yourself asking:

Am I too needy? Am I asking for too much? Why can't I just let it go?

Over time, shame can make you question not just your behaviour, but your need for connection itself.

In this episode, we explore the cycle of disconnection, pursuit, escalation, shame and self-criticism — and how both partners can end up misunderstanding what is really happening beneath the surface.

Most importantly, we look at the difference between shame and responsibility, and what it means to move toward a more secure way of expressing your attachment needs.

Because having needs doesn't make you “too much.”

And pursuer burnout isn't necessarily proof that you've stopped loving your partner. Sometimes it's evidence that you've been trying to connect without enough emotional safety for too long.

If you've ever felt ashamed of how hard you've tried to be heard, this episode is for you.

Can you have an affair without ever having sex?

Emotional infidelity can be one of the most confusing forms of betrayal because there are often no clear boundaries. A close friendship isn't automatically an emotional affair—but when does emotional intimacy with somebody else begin to threaten the safety of your relationship?

In this episode, we explore what emotional infidelity is, how an innocent connection can gradually become something more significant, and why emotional affairs can be so deeply painful for the person who discovers them.

We'll also look at what can make someone vulnerable to emotional infidelity, why understanding vulnerability isn't the same as making excuses, and whether a relationship can recover after emotional betrayal.

In this episode:

• What emotional infidelity actually is
• The difference between friendship and an emotional affair
• How emotional affairs often develop gradually
• Why “we never had sex” doesn't necessarily remove the sense of betrayal
• Emotional replacement, attachment and loss of trust
• Vulnerability without blame or excuses
• How couples can rebuild emotional safety and trust

Because sometimes the most significant betrayal isn't physical—it's discovering that somebody else has quietly become the person your partner turns towards instead.

What do you do when one partner simply won’t engage in couples therapy?

They say “I don’t know” to every question. They shut down when emotions come up. They blame their partner for everything. Or they’re physically present in the room, but emotionally somewhere else.

For therapists, this can be one of the most challenging dynamics to navigate. Is the client resistant — or are they protecting themselves? Are they overwhelmed, ashamed, burnt out, ambivalent, or simply unwilling to participate?

In this therapist-facing episode of Just Listen To Me, Julia explores how to look beyond apparent non-engagement, track what happens in the couple’s cycle, and avoid becoming another pursuer in the room.

We’ll also look at when individual work or a pause may be more appropriate — and when we need to ask the bigger question: Is couples therapy actually appropriate here?

Because the goal isn't to make someone engage.

It’s to understand what their non-engagement is telling us — and what this couple needs from us as therapists.

What if withdrawal doesn't look like withdrawal?

When we think about a relationship withdrawer, we often picture someone who goes quiet, shuts down or walks away. But some withdrawers don't go silent—they become angry, defensive, critical or argumentative.

In this episode, Julia explores the world of reactive withdrawers: people who may look like they're pursuing connection because they're highly activated and engaged in conflict, while emotionally they're actually moving away from vulnerability.

We explore what can sit underneath the anger—including hurt, fear, shame, inadequacy and feeling overwhelmed—and how this creates a painful cycle where one partner reaches for connection while the other reacts by creating distance.

You'll also hear a case example that brings this cycle to life, and we'll look at the important difference between understanding someone's protective response and excusing harmful behaviour.

Because sometimes the person who looks like they're fighting with you is actually fighting to protect themselves from what they feel when they get close to you.

If you've watched Orange Is the New Black, you probably have a complicated relationship with Piper and Alex's relationship.

They love each other deeply. They also hurt each other deeply.

Their relationship is marked by betrayal, separation, emotional volatility, reconciliation and moments of intense connection — a cycle that raises an important question: are Piper and Alex experiencing a trauma bond?

In this episode, we explore their relationship through the lens of attachment and trauma bonding, looking at why genuine love doesn't necessarily make a relationship safe, why leaving can be so difficult when the person who hurts you is also the person who provides comfort, and how the cycle of harm and reconciliation can create an incredibly powerful attachment.

We'll also explore the difference between insecure attachment and trauma bonding — because not every dysfunctional relationship is abusive, and not every painful attachment is a trauma bond.

Ultimately, Piper and Alex teach us an important lesson about relationships:

Intensity isn't the same thing as security.

A relationship can contain profound love, genuine attachment and extraordinary connection — and still be harmful.

And sometimes, understanding the difference is the first step toward understanding what secure love actually looks like.

A little note from me: I’m taking a week off after this episode to recharge, reset and enjoy a little breathing room. I’ll be back after the break with Season 4 of Just Listen To Me, with plenty more conversations, insights and attachment lessons. In the meantime, there’s a whole back catalogue waiting for you to explore! ❤️

What happens when pornography becomes more than sexual stimulation — when it begins to function as a substitute for emotional connection?

In this episode, we explore pornography through the lens of attachment, particularly how people with avoidant attachment can sometimes turn toward fantasy and pornography to soothe loneliness, regulate difficult emotions, and avoid the vulnerability of real intimacy.

For some people, pornography may become a way of meeting attachment needs without having to risk rejection, dependence or emotional exposure. But what happens when that coping strategy begins to enter the couple relationship?

We explore the cycle that can develop between partners, why pornography can sometimes become an attachment substitute, and the important difference between insecure attachment dynamics and pornography being used as part of coercive control.

Because sometimes the behaviour isn't really about sex at all.

It's about what we're trying to soothe when we don't feel safe enough to connect.

What if the answers to our relationship patterns lie beneath the surface of our conscious awareness?

In this special therapist interview, I'm joined by Linda Murrow, EFT Therapist and Supervisor, for a fascinating conversation exploring the intersection of Jungian depth psychology and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT).

Together, we explore how the unconscious shapes our emotional lives and relationships, the role of the shadow in intimate partnerships, and how our closest relationships can become powerful catalysts for growth, healing and greater self-understanding.

Whether you're a therapist, a student of psychology, or simply curious about the deeper forces that shape the way we love, this conversation offers a thoughtful exploration of one of psychology's most enduring traditions.

In this episode we explore:

• The foundations of Jungian depth psychology
• How the unconscious influences our relationships
• The shadow and its role in intimate relationships
• How our relationships become mirrors for growth, healing and self-discovery
• Where Jungian depth psychology and Emotionally Focused Therapy intersect
• What it means to move towards wholeness and authenticity

Further Reading

Linda kindly shared the following books for listeners who would like to delve more deeply into Jungian psychology, trauma, and the themes explored in this episode:

• Memories, Dreams, Reflections – Carl Gustav Jung
• Meeting the Shadow: The Hidden Power of the Dark Side of Human Nature – edited by Connie Zweig & Jeremiah Abrams
• The Inner World of Trauma: Archetypal Defences of the Personal Spirit – Donald Kalsched
• Understanding and Healing Emotional Trauma: Conversations with Pioneering Clinicians and Researchers – Daniela Sieff
• Soul's Body: Active Imagination, Authentic Movement, and Embodiment in Psychotherapy – Tina Stromsted
• Addiction to Perfection: The Still Unravished Bride – Marion Woodman

Is silence always a sign that things are getting better?

Sometimes, it's a sign that the person who has been fighting the hardest has simply run out of hope.

In this episode, I explore pursuer burnout—why anxious partners eventually stop reaching, what emotional exhaustion really looks like, and why a pursuer's withdrawal is often one of the most significant turning points in a relationship.

Drawing on attachment theory and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), I'll explain what happens beneath the surface when the protest ends, and what couples can do before it's too late.

Just Listen To Me explores love, attachment, trauma and relationships through the lens of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), helping you build more secure, connected relationships.

What makes us human?

As a couples therapist, I spend every day thinking about the relationships that shape us. But one of the most profound explorations of attachment, belonging and emotional growth isn't found in a psychology textbook—it's found in the wonderfully quirky world of Resident Alien.

In this episode, I explore Harry Vanderspeigle's extraordinary journey from detached outsider to someone capable of friendship, compassion and love. Through the lens of attachment theory and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we examine what Harry, Asta and D'Arcy teach us about emotional safety, curiosity, belonging and the relationships that quietly change who we become.

Whether you're a fan of Resident Alien, curious about attachment theory, or simply interested in what great storytelling can teach us about being human, this episode is for you.

This is the first episode in my new series, Attachment Lessons from Pop Culture, where we'll explore the psychology, relationships and attachment dynamics hidden inside the television shows and films we love.