Picture this, you have three children, it’s summer vacation and all the routines have changed and now your extended  family is coming for a visit. Sounds great and getting irritable and frustrated is also really understandable.  In today’s third and final session with Karen, who is a mother of three children, she is asking herself  the question: Shouldn’t this be easier?   The discussion also focuses on understanding the "people pleaser" the sensitive child, and some of the myths that we believe about ourselves and others.   Karen and her husband are bothered by her son's passion for watching animals fighting which is something we unpack through dialectic thinking and curiosity. 

Time Stamps

3:22 Understanding factors contributing to a parent’s irritability and frustration and what to do about it

5:00 How to respond to stress and anxiety?

6:49 Take a look at your “core beliefs” which can be myths or mistaken beliefs.

8:15 Parents have an opportunity to break a generational cycle of judgment or shame

10:46 Do you believe everything you think?

11:16 Shame and Blame often go hand in hand.  

• Shame makes us feel vulnerable and blame can be something we do when we feel vulnerable
• The urge to hide is associated with shame
• Anger is a secondary emotion to the shame

13:28 Guilt vs Shame distinction

15:10 People pleaser don’t want other people to get upset (another core belief)

• People pleaser who worries about judgments
• Challenging our mistaken beliefs 

20:05 A thought substitution is a way of changing your perspective 

22:25 “Finding another interpretation” game

26:36 Coping skills can “calm you down” and distract you

27:00 The difference between distress tolerance skills and emotion regulation skills

• Distress tolerance skills - go slow  - tolerate the emotion without making things worse
• Emotion regulation skills - check the facts skill and challenging myths skill

28:05 When the environment doesn’t fully understand a sensitive person it can feel invalidating - 

30:52 Discussion about her son who watches animal fighting videos and what that means

• Ask the question…when does it work? and when does it not work?
• Physical touch, compression can be soothing to a child’s nervous system
• Go below the surface to understand your child’s interests and behaviors

38:20 Discussion of vulnerabilities and prompting events

39:20 A DBT Assumption:  People are doing the best they can with the skills they have in the present moment AND people need to do better

40:45  Finding balance between acceptance and asking what can I/you do differently next time?

43:28 Compassion and gratitude are essential for parents.

Leslie-ism: You and your kids are doing the best you can with the skills you have at the present moment.

Resources:  

Kristin Neff’s video: The Three Components of Self-Compassion

Tara Brach’s Resources and Meditations on Gratitude

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by